After Christmas - Back to Normal?

Hey, y'all --

Well, Christmas is officially over. I know, because yesterday we took down all our beautiful Christmas decorations. (Had to, I work M-S, so Sun. is my only day off). We tried to keep a positive attitude about it, but it was still kind of a let-down after all the "high" of the holidays.

Oh well, at least we didn't get depressed, or go into episodes, or anything. That's a good way to look at it. I feel so sorry for the people who did this year, and there are many. Did you know that the holidays are the highest rated time for hospitals to be filled with people in bipolar episodes? I hope y'all are doing ok with your own bipolar disorder, I really do.

Ok, so things are back to normal. We're back to our regular schedules. Although I have to confess that it's not only hard to get back to work after Christmas, it's also hard to get back to work on a Monday. Monday's are hard enough as they are! Just because I work from home doesn't make it any easier, ya know. I still have to discipline myself as if I were going to a job outside.

Today I feel kind of blah. Don't just not feel like working, just don't feel like doing anything but lazing around, maybe reading a good book or watching a chick flick or something. But I'm afraid if I don't work, I'll have to clean up the house or something dreaded like that (yuck and double yuck!)!!! So...I guess I'll just have to pull myself up by my bootstraps and go ahead and work despite my less than enthusiastic mood.

It's hard to be a writer. Sometimes I just don't feel like writing. Or I get writer's block. It's not like when I was a medical transcriptionist. I could just go to work, sit down at my desk, put my headphones on, turn myself into an automaton, and just let my fingers type whatever I heard, letting my eyes watch whatever appeared on the screen. A no-brainer. For 8 straight hours, 5 days a week. (No wonder I flipped out!)

So, no matter how much I might be griping about it today, I'm grateful that I have this job which allows me the freedom to express my creativity, where I can work in the peaceful environment of my own home, doing a job I love, for a great boss, and that helps others with bipolar disorder. That's the best thing of all.

On days like this, when I just don't feel like working, or on other days when I just feel discouraged, or that my work just doesn't mean much, I think about all the people we're helping through www.bipolarcentral.com, and hopefully all the people I'm helping through this blog... and I remember what it's all about when you get to the roots of it all. I'm not really here for me. I'm here for you.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

Hey, y'all --

Just had to pop in and wish every one of you a very, Merry Christmas!

I hope y'all are enjoying your day as much as I'm enjoying mine. I got up at 5 this morning, because I was so excited. More for Bill, than for me -- I couldn't wait for him to open up his presents. He was so happy - I really did good.

He was so romantic with mine - he got me this silver ring band that says Bill (heart) Michele, and inside is engraved "Forever and Always." And then he got me this snow globe with an engraved plaque on it that says, "Michele, What would I do without you? Bill" God, how grateful I am for such a wonderful husband, best friend, and supporter as him.

Like I had said the other day, we may not have gotten each other gifts that cost a whole lot of money, but we got "heart" gifts, the best gifts of all. Now you see what I mean. I will always cherish the gifts he got me this year, but more than that, I will cherish the time we spent last night...

Snuggling together on the couch, dimmed room lit by the Christmas tree, listening to Christmas music, reminiscing about how bad things were last year at this time when we had cancelled Christmas and were both in mini-episodes, we were so depressed and at each other so much.

We talked about how this year is so very much better, about how stable we are, how peaceful things are, how our lives have changed, how good things are going for us. A simple life, but such a good life.

This year is so much different. I am so much happier now. So much more content -- not so much for what I have, but for my stability and for my life in general.

I pray that y'all share the peace that I have today on Christmas, the birthday of our Lord. May He be in your hearts and in your lives.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Be Grateful for Your Blessings, Even the Small Ones

Hey, y'all --

Boy, am I in the holiday spirit! I feel like saying, "Hi, I'm Michele, and I'm addicted to Christmas!" I sure feel different than last year, when I almost went into a bipolar depressive episode at this time.

But this year I am so grateful for my blessings, even the small ones. I think especially for the small ones. Mostly that I'm stable. That's my greatest blessing of all. I think about how hard it was to get to this point, and how grateful I am for each day that I stay here. And also how sad I am for every person who writes to me about their struggles with stability, how I wish I could help them all, how I wish I had all the answers, and how frustrating it is that I don't.

I'm so very grateful for a wonderful husband who loves me as much as Bill does. He makes me feel so special in so many small ways, every day. Nothing extravagant, just his being here, supporting me. He has bipolar disorder, too, so he understands me in a way that nobody else could. So there's a companionship there that makes him more than just my husband. He's my best friend, too.

I'm grateful for my little double-wide trailer. When you walk inside, you'd never know it was a trailer. It's a beautiful home. At least it is to me. It's my home. I'm grateful for any home, because I remember when I was homeless, sleeping in my car, because I was addicted to alcohol and drugs (self-medicating my undiagnosed bipolar disorder). It's warm and cozy here, especially tonight, when it's freezing cold outside.

I'm grateful for our beautiful little 4' decorated Christmas tree that I bought for $1 at a yard sale last summer. Looks like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, but it's beautiful to me! :) And the gifts under it are beautiful too, because they're gifts from the heart. We live on disability, so I know they aren't much to anyone else but us, but "heart-gifts" are always better anyway.

I'm grateful for our dog, Princess. She's a cross between a hound and a, well, hound, I guess.LOL But she's beautiful to me. She loves me unconditionally, as all dogs do. You know that old expression, "May I someday be the person my dog already thinks I am." I hope I am.

I'm grateful for three beautiful, wonderful, healthy, grown sons who I love with all my heart. I wish they could all be with me for Christmas this year but even though they can't, they still will be in spirit. And I have my memories of other Christmases when they were little.

I'm grateful for parents who love me. I won't get to see them, because they live in FL and I live in TN, but we talk on the phone quite a bit. They're Jewish anyway (I got saved when I was 21), so they don't celebrate Christmas, but they're happy for me. And they understand my excitement. It's also special for me because when I was drinking and drugging, I destroyed my relationship with my parents, and didn't make amends with them until just a few years ago, so I am so grateful that I have such a wonderful relationship with them now.

I still mourn the loss of my sister due to her suicide from bipolar disorder, but I'm grateful that her story has saved so many lives. And I'm grateful for the many happy memories that I have of her, especially at this time of year. Her birthday was Dec. 14th, so she is always on my heart and mind at Christmastime.

I'm grateful for my friends, especially Lisa and Michael. New friends, but wonderful friends. I feel like I've known them for all of my life. Lisa is like my soul sister. She is the one who wrote that last comment that I posted on my blog. Isn't she a fantastic writer? And the post before that, the one with the clock on it? That was Michael, her husband. He has a great website at everyminute.org. They do great work for NAMI, too -- I met them at the In Our Own Voice workshop I went to that one weekend I wrote about. I couldn't ask for better friends. They are so very special to me, and I love them so much.

I'm grateful for my best friend, Dolores, who I've known since the 10th grade (35 years now). No one could ask for a better best friend. I love her so much. And even though she doesn't have bipolar disorder, she is still so compassionate towards me for mine.

Believe it or not, I'm grateful for my therapist. She's gotten me through some pretty tough times. I can't say she's the best therapist in the world (although I think she is), but she is the perfect therapist for me. I look forward to going to see her every week, and I know she is a big part of why I stay so stable.

I'm grateful for my boss. I know most people can't say that, but I can. David Oliver is an incredible man (and no, I've never even met him!). I've worked for him for over 3-1/2 years now, and I've never had a better boss. He is so understanding of my bipolar disorder. He gave me a chance to work within its limitations when no one else would. I'm grateful for his website, which gives us all the chance to learn, to be empowered, to share, to grow and, hopefully, to become stable. He even gave me this blog, through which I've been able to help so many others with bipolar disorder, and I am so very, very grateful for that.

Most importantly, though, I am grateful for my Lord, without whom I wouldn't have any of these other things to be grateful for. God is the center of my life. I would have no life without Him, for without Him I would have succeeded in my (several) suicide attempts. Bipolar disorder would have killed me for sure. But with Him I have a life filled with so many blessings I can't even count them. It may not be a life filled with a lot of money, but it is a life filled with riches untold, one in which love abounds. Life is good. Very, very good.

I wish you all the blessings that I have, and more.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Within Every Bad Situation is a Gift

Hey, y'all --

I got a comment to one of my posts that I thought deserved a post of its own. When you read it, you'll see what I mean. Her words say my thoughts better than I could say them myself:

goodenough said...
Recently I have reflected on stressful situations that are occurring in my life. At first I was feeling really overwhelmed and alone. Then I remembered a book that I read last year at the request of my wise husband, Michael. It said that within every bad situation is a gift. So, I decided that my gifts in this are that I have the opportunity to become more resourceful; to hone my skills at work; and the opportunity to learn to rely more on the One who gives me breath.The other night I dreamed that I would die in 5 months. And while there were many ways I could interpret this dream, I didn't take the obvious one that this was in fact a prophecy. Instead last night when I couldn't sleep, I reflected on how I would treat other people if I knew that I only had a few more months on this earth. I believe I would be more forgiving; I would make sure that everyone that is close to me knew how very much I love them and how I appreciate the impact that they have had on my life. I reflected on how other people might treat me. Perhaps their reaction would be the same to me. So, why don't I do that everyday - as the song says "Live Like I was Dying"? What is the variable? I believe it is certainty. With certainty, we react differently than we do when things are uncertain. Our plans are clearer. Our acts, more deliberate and intentional. With uncertainty I become a variety of things - anxious, overwhelmed, complacent and take things for granted. But with uncertainty, I am given great opportunities. The opportunity to learn and improve my situation. To change me in order to survive and thrive. The One from above can provide strength, comfort and energy if in these times I recognize the gift. We are really like 3 year olds. There are certain things that are just on a need to know basis with kids. Thank God that I don't have complete certainty all the time. Then I would know the fullness of tragedy and hurt deeply. I would become lazy and unmotivated to change, improve, love and appreciate. So the gift today in all of this is uncertainty. Certainty can bring a sense of peace, but it is synthetic and transient peace. It is not organic and authentic nor long-lasting. True peace for me comes from a surrender to a power greater than I. In this season of doubt, fear and incredible uncertainty, praise the gift.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Demo - Personal Cause Widget

Demo - Personal Cause Widget

Holidays Shouldn't Overwhelm Your Bipolar Disorder

Hey, y'all --

I was just thinking how different I feel this year at this time than I felt last year at the same time, when I felt so overwhelmed and almost went into a bipolar depression.

This year is different, though. I don't feel so overwhelmed (thank God). For one thing, last year at this time, I had my middle son and his girlfriend living with us, so it was kind of crowded here. On the other hand, this year, I have my youngest son back living with us, so I don't know which is worse! :) But the point is, I'm not even letting my son (and his drama -- he's 19) overwhelm me this year.

We don't have to let the holidays overwhelm us with our bipolar disorder. We can stay calm and relatively stress free, at least as much as we are able. For one thing, like with my son, I don't let him get to me.

This is something you can do with your family members at gatherings. If you can't get away from that one family member who always annoys you at every gathering every year (you know the one I mean), first of all try to stay as far away from them as you can. But if they do seek you out, try to spend as little time with them as you can. Try to stay calm, be patient, and use every stress-relieving technique you know.

Deep-breathing helps, and can be done even without the other person knowing about it. If your hands are under the table, here's another technique you can use: Make fists with your hands (all the time keeping a smile on your lovely face! :)), hold for about 3-4 seconds tightly, then release. Do this as many times as you need to, until the stress has passed.

If the anxiety and stress become too much, excuse yourself and go to another part of the room, making the excuse that you have to "spread yourself around, and don't want to be rude to the other family members." That usually works, and the person won't feel offended. It's a polite way of saying "I've had enough of you." LOL (Works all the time with my husband's cousin, who drives us crazy at holiday time!!!)

If worse comes to worse at holiday gatherings, however, and you do feel that your bipolar disorder is getting out of control, make an excuse and leave the gathering altogether. Your own health and safety is the most important thing. Yes, being with family is important, but not worth an episode. You have to take care of yourself and your disorder first.

As far as shopping, if the stores and malls overwhelm you, do your shopping online. This way, you can stay home and, in the comfort of your own home, you can still get your shopping done and not have to deal with all those (real) crazies out there! LOL Seriously, holiday shopping is a real trigger to many people with bipolar disorder, and online shopping has been a godsend to them as far as keeping their stress at a manageable level.

Decorating your home should be a fun thing. Just don't go so far as to stress yourself out. Your home does NOT have to look like a "winter wonderland," just whatever you want it to be. You are not in competition with your neighbors here, you know. Decorating your home is just a reflection of how you feel about the holidays. It can also change the way you're feeling.

If you are feeling depressed, it can make you feel happier. If you are bored, it can give you something to do. If you haven't been very productive lately, it can give you a sense of accomplishment. But you do NOT have to go overboard! Just a few simple decorations, or a small tree with a few ornaments can put you in that Christmas spirit!

Whatever you choose to do, from visiting family to shopping to decorating your home, please don't let the holidays overwhelm you this year. Try to stay as stress-free as possible while still enjoying the spirit of the season.

Remember that the main thing is maintaining your stability.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Bad Weather Doesn't Mean Bipolar Depression

Hey, y'all --

Well, it's a gloomy, stormy day outside here today. And it's supposed to snow later on. But that doesn't mean I have to get depressed about it. It all depends on your attitude.

There's something called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) that affects people with bipolar disorder during the winter months and causes them to be depressed, because of the gray weather with no sunlight most of the time.

But I think much of the time we can choose our moods. Oh, I'm not saying that there still isn't a biological element to it. Sometimes those chemicals just fire off whenever they want to and we just get depressed anyway. But like on days like this, I could easily get depressed looking outside my window at all that gray gunk.

Today, though, I choose to be positive. I've spent too much time in my life being the opposite. And I do mean choose. I had so much going for me (especially according to my mom, who says that I wasted every opportunity I ever had)... but I threw it all away. All because I made poor choices and bad decisions. Well, of course I did -- I had/have bipolar disorder!

Now I am stable, though. And with stability comes the ability to make better choices and decisions. So now I can choose to be positive and optimistic. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm not realistic as well. I know that I still have the ups and downs that come with bipolar disorder itself, and the normal ups and downs that come with life itself. No one's life is perfect.

But I can still have a good attitude despite it all. That IS my choice. So today, despite the weather, I can put on my coziest pajamas, snuggle up with a good book, turn up the heat, and enjoy the warmth of my beautiful home... thriving upon the simple things in life. Like the fact that, today at least, I am NOT depressed!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Don't Overreact Just Because You Don't Feel Well

Hey, y'all --

I'm sick today. Actually, I've been sick for two days now. My throat burns, I've had that kind of croupy cough, I feel like sleeping all the time, and my head feels like it's in a deep fog. Like I said, I'm sick. And I feel depressed, because I can't do any of my usual things, like work or do anything around the house. I feel useless.

But I am NOT in an episode.

Just because you don't feel well, you shouldn't overreact and assume you're in an episode. It's ok not to feel well. Even if you're depressed because of it, it doesn't necessarily mean you're in a bipolar depressive episode. Even if it goes on for a day or two.

I mean, if you've got more than just "cold" symptoms, and you've got more of the signs and symptoms of an actual episode, you might want to look at the fact that maybe you might be going into an episode, I'm not discounting that, don't get me wrong.

But, like, in my case, I know I'm just "regular" sick, and thinking I'm going into an episode at this point would be an overreaction on my part.

It's ok to be sick, and not to be in an episode. People without bipolar disorder get sick, too! Now I'm kicking myself because I didn't get my flu shot. So I made an appointment for one for after this "bug" is over.

One thing we have to do is watch our health. That's an important part of managing our disorder. If our body runs down, we do take the chance of going into an episode, because it can cause all kinds of havoc with our emotions and all. But we have to balance that, like in my case, with the reality of how sick we are -- whether it is "emotional" sick or just "physical" sick, as in just a cold.

For example, too much stress can lead to headaches, stomach aches, and the like, and these are all physical ailments that come from not taking care of your bipolar disorder. And these are real physical things that you should be managing on your own before they get out of hand, because they can lead to episodes if you don't.

But for me, today, I'm just sick. So if I've rambled, forgive me. It's this fog I'm trying to type through. :)

Anyway, I hope you're all healthy and doing well.

I wish you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Upcoming Autobiography - Watch for it

Hey, y'all --

Well, it's not even 2009 and time for New Year's resolutions, but I've already started mine. See, I had started writing my autobiography 5 years ago, but haven't touched it since -- I don't know, fear of failure, fear of success, that sort of thing.

But recently I was contacted by a publicist to review a book written by a man whose daughter has bipolar disorder (the book review will be posted on bipolarcentral.com the first week in Jan.), and I sent her an excerpt from the book, and she was very encouraging to me, so...

I am newly inspired to work on the book again. Scared? You bet! But since I went on that In Our Own Voice weekend, it's been important to me to put a face on mental illness, and I know this book could be important for that.

You see, I not only have bipolar disorder, but at one time I had multiple personality disorder as well. And this book has to do with that part of my life. Although it is resolved now, I think there are so many people who struggle with this disorder and have no voice, and I believe that if they read about someone else who had the same disorder and was able to overcome it, that it would give them hope. At least that's what's inspiring me to write it now.

I write this blog to help other people with bipolar disorder, like me. But I don't write about my other disorders (of which I have several). But usually, people who have BP have other disorders as well.

My first one appeared when I was 12, and I was sexually molested by an acquaintance of my father's. That was PTSD. Then at 16, I was diagnosed with chronic major depression (which I now know was only half the story and was most likely bipolar disorder, even at that age), then anxiety/panic disorder. At 19, schizophrenia, which later was amended to be schizoaffective disorder. I also have borderline personality disorder.

And, of course, the everpresent OCPD (which is different from OCD) -- Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. That's where I get my strive for perfectionism. But I'm still working that out in therapy.

None of us is perfect, least of all me. We all have our daily struggles, some worse than others. Bipolar disorder alone can be debilitating for some people -- for them, just getting through a day without losing it is almost a miracle. Some are grateful just for stability with their disorder.

But we are all survivors (thus my name, bipolar survivor). Every day we get through without an episode is by the grace of a loving God (and a lot of work on our part to maintain our stability). Never downplay the strength you have to be a survivor. Every difficult day you have, remind yourself of that fact. YOU ARE A SURVIVOR! You have gotten through worse days and survived them, and you will get through this day, too.

If you ever doubt it, look at me. I have/have had 10 mental illnesses. Some I still have, and some have been resolved. Every day is nothing less than a miracle for me. I am not the same person I was before. I am a survivor. I am an overcomer. I am a miracle.

I am who I am. I am who God made me to be. There have been times that I have questioned that if God loves me so much, then why hasn't he healed me of my mental illnesses? Do I not have enough faith? Am I not a good enough Christian? But now I understand that if I were healed, I wouldn't be able to encourage others with my faith and support like I can on this blog and the articles I write... and now with this book I'm going to write.

Some people are lucky enough to know their mission in life. I know mine. To pass along God's love and encouragement through my writing and teaching, to be a good example of how you can overcome life's adversity... of how you can take everything this life throws at you and still believe, still pick your head up each day and try again... and come out ahead in the end -- to survive. To better than just survive. To be a success at your own life.

There's a quote I keep taped to my computer: "When you stop making excuses, stop listening to the naysayers and stop fearing failure, only then can you start making your dreams come true."
(Meredith Maran).

Guess I should start writing that book, huh?

Wishing you peace and stability,

God loves you and so do I,
Michele