Overthinking Yourself

Hey, y'all --

Have you ever found yourself "overthinking" yourself?

That's what I think I'm doing to myself today.

I think I'm depressed. No, I'm not depressed. I don't want to be depressed. Ok, if I'm not depressed, what am I? I'm tired. No, well, I got enough sleep, so I can't be tired. Well, if I'm not tired, what am I? Hmm... bored. Ok, I'm bored. Well, I should do something then. But there's nothing to do. I could do laundry, but the laundry's caught up. I'll watch TV. But there's never anything on TV I want to watch. Besides, that's being lazy.

See what I mean? Overthinking.

Next thing you know, you're feeling all anxious, because you've got all these racing thoughts running through your head fighting with each other for your attention! And then you've got to be careful, because racing thoughts can lead to a manic episode.

I think I'll just sit here and stare out my window at the birds in my yard...

And try not to think of anything at all. :)

I wish you health and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Date Night

Hey, y'all --

Well, it's Friday, and Date Night! Even though my husband and I are married, we still have Date Night every Friday night --gives us an umph in our marriage, and gives us something special to do each week.

It's not always a big thing (we don't have a lot of money, after all) -- sometimes we go out to dinner, sometimes just to the mall to eat at the food court and watch the people (we love to people watch), sometimes drive to the mountains... as long as we get out of the house and do something. Well, not always out of the house. One of our favorite things to do is to "slumber party." We get some pillows and blankets, rent a movie and eat popcorn, right in our living room!

We started this a long time ago and are still doing it. We think it's one of the things that keeps us so close as a couple. Everyone else that we've told it to and has tried it has said the same thing.

Anyway, so it's Date Night, but that's not till later. In the meantime, I still have work to do, and a whole day to get through.

I've stopped taking the Chantix, and am feeling soooo much better! I was so scared I was going to go into a bipolar episode. You know, that's the second time I've taken Chantix, and the second time I've had the same symptoms. So now I'm feeling better and feeling like myself again. Hubby's real happy about it, too. He said it changed my whole personality, and definitely NOT for the better! All I know is, I went from being happy (like I am all the time now) to being depressed and irritable. So I know it was the Chantix. That's why I wrote that last post, to warn y'all.

Well, it's back to work for me!

I wish you happiness, stability, and a GREAT weekend (and for those who also do Date Night, a good Date Night, too!).

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Chantix and Bipolar Disorder

Hey, y'all --

I want to warn you - be very, very careful if you take Chantix. As a matter of fact, if there is any other way for you to quit smoking, DON'T TAKE CHANTIX IF YOU HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER!

This is coming from someone who has taken it twice. The first time was about a year ago, and it was directly before I ended up in the hospital for that manic episode. I didn't think the two were connected, because one of the side effects of Chantix is depression. But I have since read a blog where another woman said it also sent her into a really, really bad manic episode where she had to be hospitalized, too.

I did quit smoking, but I started again 6 months later. This was 6 months ago, and now I wanted to quit again (since I thought it was a fluke with the Chantix last time), so I asked my doctor for another prescription for Chantix.

About 5 days into the Chantix, I started getting depressed for no reason at all, no trigger. My personality started changing -- I was irritable, anxious, agitated, and often angry. Totally opposite my "normal" self.

Then starting the 6th day I thought I had a stomach bug. I started feeling really nauseous and wanting to vomit all the time. I couldn't eat for 2 days. I lived on ginger ale and crackers. I spent the days in bed or on the couch.

I didn't think it could be related to the Chantix, because the first time it gave me migraines, but I wasn't getting any this time. I finally took out the package insert anyway, and read it word for word. That was the big revelation, and why I'm writing this post to warn you.

The package insert says that the most frequent adverse reactions are: nausea, sleep disturbance, constipation, flatulence, and vomiting. (I had all those). The sleep disturbance they're talking about is that you have these crazy dreams.

The package insert also talks about adverse reactions directly related to psychiatric disorders, and I quote:

"Frequent: Anxiety, Depression, Emotional disorder, Irritability, Restlessness. Infrequent: Aggression, Agitation, Disorientation, Dissociation, Libido decreased, Mood swings, Thinking abnormal. Rare: Bradyphrenia, Euphoric mood, Hallucination, Psychotic disorder, Suicidal ideation.

How many of those symptoms are directly in proportion to symptoms of Bipolar Disorder??!!
And yet there is no warning NOT TO TAKE CHANTIX IF YOU HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER!!!

I called Pfizer, the drug company that makes Chantix, and spoke to their medical representative directly, and they were not exactly friendly. All they would say is that they did no clinical trials with subjects who had bipolar disorder. I told them that I did have bipolar disorder, that I had tried Chantix twice, and that I was telling them that both times it had exacerbated my bipolar symptoms -- and that I thought there should be a warning put on the pamphlet that says not to take it if you have bipolar disorder.

This man told me that there IS a warning! He says it ISN'T on the PATIENT package insert, however! It's only on the doctor and pharmacist insert. That if you have "it" (now, he didn't specify bipolar), you should be closely followed by a doctor if you take Chantix.

Well, I'm telling you, please learn from not only my experience, but the hundreds and hundreds of people who are posting on the Internet who have bipolar disorder of their bad experiences (some horrible, even suicidal) with Chantix-- and DON'T TAKE CHANTIX IF YOU HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER!

You know that I usually don't take such a hard stand on anything -- I just don't want to see you get hurt or go into a bipolar episode. One woman put it this way: "You are better off dying from smoking than taking Chantix." Now that's a strong statement.

If any of you have had any experiences with Chantix and your bipolar, please post back.

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Doctor Accepts Bipolar Disorder

Hey, y'all --

I took my husband to the neurologist this morning because he has something wrong with his head called occipital neuralgia (try saying THAT 10 times fast!). He gets these headaches, like migraines but they aren't migraines (still, they're real painful), 2-3 times a week.

Well, the thing is, you know how when you go to a doctor you have to list all your medications? So Bill had to list all his, and of course they were all bipolar medications. So then the doctor knew he had BP.

Sometimes when doctors find out you have bipolar disorder, they treat you like you have the plague, do you know what I mean? I've had doctors that treat me that way. I mean, not my regular family doctor, of course, or my mental health professionals. But other doctors I've had to see for physical problems.

It's just part of the overall picture of society's stigma against mental illness in general and bipolar disorder in particular (I preach about this all the time). What people don't know about, they fear. So sometimes, they fear us. It just isn't fair that it seems like we have to be the ones to educate other people about our disorder.

But this morning, the doctor treated my husband with the utmost respect and dignity. You have no idea (well, you probably do) how refreshing that was.

Well, I just wanted you to know that. That there are some good doctors out there, so don't give up!

I wish you happiness and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Blessings of Stability

Hey, y'all --

Thank God our thunderstorms are over! For awhile there, we were getting them every day, with power outages and everything -- it was really frustrating, because I had to keep turning my computer off and on again.

But the sun is shining again, and I'm glad. I can see outside from my office window where my computer is, and since we live in the country, I can even hear the birds outside that window, which really makes me happy!

Ah, the blessings of stability! There was a time when I couldn't have seen the sunshine or listened to the birds outside my window, because I was isolated in bed, struck down with bipolar depression. It took a long time to get to where I am today. A lot of therapy, and a long time's worth of medication.

But it was all worth it. Today I appreciate what I have. Every day I go without an episode is a good day.

I wish you happiness and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Feeling Spiritual

Hey, y'all--

I've been working on writing my next devotional, and feeling very spiritual lately. Ya know, dealing with bipolar disorder on a daily basis, sometimes it feels like I've got control of it, and sometimes it feels like it's got control of me. But feeling spiritual, feeling close to God, feeling like He's right there in the fight with me, well, I feel like I've got more control than ever before. Like I'm not alone any more. Do you know what I mean?

It sure isn't easy living with bipolar disorder. But then, nobody ever said it would be. I used to have suicidal tendencies because of the disorder -- I was messed up spiritually, and I used to go to bed every night and cry out to God all right, but I used to pray that He would just let me die, because I just couldn't imagine living like this one day longer.

But that time passed. And because of God, I eventually wanted to live again. Now I have stability, and a wonderful life.

So I wanted to encourage those of you who are still struggling. The Bible says that "God is no respecter of persons." That means that what He's done for me, He can do for you, too. So hang in there -- it does get better.

Remember God loves you, and so do I!
Michele

Don't Take Ownership of Other Peoples' Problems

Hey y'all --

I had something happen to me recently that made me think of something I want to warn you about:

DON'T TAKE OWNERSHIP OF OTHER PEOPLES' PROBLEMS!

As people with bipolar disorder, we have enough problems just trying to manage our own disorder without taking ownership of other peoples' problems. Now, I'm not saying not to be compassionate when someone pours their heart out to you about their struggles, or cries on your shoulder, or just plain expects you to be their friend. Please, please don't get me wrong.

But there is a difference between listening to someone's problems and taking OWNERSHIP of them! Taking ownership of them means that they are dumping their problems onto you and you are receiving them, and then you're running into all kinds of problems, not only unneeded stress upon yourself, but issues like codependency and enabling. Then you're not only NOT helping them, but you're not doing yourself any good as well.

And you're certainly not doing your bipolar any good. You have enough stress to deal with. Let your friends and family share their problems with you. Even offer them advice if you have it. But DON'T play therapist, because you aren't one! And DON'T let them expect you to be! A therapist gets paid good money to let people dump their problems on them -- you don't! :)

And, for your own sake, DON'T TAKE OWNERSHIP OF OTHER PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS!

I had a woman do this to me recently, and I felt so sorry for her that when she cried, I cried. And I carried HER problems around with me all day! Later I found out that she felt so much better after dumping her problems on me that she went through the rest of her day as if she had a brick taken off her shoulder. Well sure -- she had placed that brick on MY shoulder!

But you know what? That wasn't HER fault, it was MINE! Because I did it willingly. That's when I realized I had made a big mistake. And that was when I wanted to warn you not to do what I had done.

I hope you don't repeat my experience. I hope you think long and hard about this post.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele