Don't Take Stability For Granted

Hey, y'all --

The other day I gave a talk for the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illnesss) In Our Own Voice program at a day drop-in center for people who were mostly homeless or in a group home for people with mental illnesses, and boy, was I humbled. I guess I had gotten to the place where I took my stability for granted.

I remembered when I wasn't stable -- when I used alcohol and drugs to medicate my bipolar symptoms. When I was homeless and living in my car. When I had to live in a halfway house. When I had pushed my family so far away from me, lost all their respect for me, when I think they had given up hope for me to the point that when my sister killed herself because she went off her bipolar medications and we got the call about her, my mom said, "We always expected the call about you, Michele, but never about her."

That was a real wake-up call for me, and I got some help. I've been stable since. I do the things that I need to do to stay stable today. I take my medications daily, see my psychiatrist bimonthly, see my therapist weekly, and do all I can on my own part to manage my bipolar disorder -- eat right, get the right amount of sleep, keep to a routine, use good coping techniques, etc.

Now, that doesn't mean that there aren't breakthrough depressions or bouts of mania, or even an episode once in awhile, but I handle those the right way when they do crop up. To believe that we're never going to have another bipolar episode just isn't realistic.

My mom had one after 12 yrs, and it lasted 6 months! But I think that's because she didn't want to go into the hospital. My last one only lasted a week, because I went into a very good hospital, where they treated me right, and I was ok. I haven't had an episode since. But I keep a daily mood chart online (you can, too, at www.moodchart.org) which helps me to notice if I'm falling into a pattern, and keeps me from going into an episode.

If I see, through the mood chart, that I have too many depressed or manic days in a row, I call my psychiatrist and report it. It usually just means a "tweak" in my medications, and I avoid the full-blown episode. That works very well for me.

But anyway, back to the IOOV presentation. All I did was tell my story, from "Dark Days" to recovery. Going back to my darkest days, from before I was diagnosed, was hard. But looking out at the faces of the people I was talking to, I could tell that they could relate.

I remember when people would look at me like I was some kind of trash, to be kicked to the curb like I was nothing. I just wanted to be "normal." I wanted people to see me for who I am (only I didn't even know who I was at the time).

It's important for me these days, when I give these talks and through my writing for www.bipolarcentral.com to tell people that we are NOT our diagnosis! In other words, it's not "I AM bipolar," but "I HAVE bipolar disorder." That means that there is a difference between who I am and what I have -- that there is a ME inside here! That the bipolar hasn't taken me over --that I control IT instead of it controlling ME! It took me a very long time to understand that.

And that's one of the main points that I make. It's like you don't say, "I AM diabetes," you say, "I HAVE diabetes." Or try it with asthma, or cancer. You don't identify yourself with what you have. You are still who you are despite your disorder or illness! I am NOT mental illness! I HAVE mental illness (several, if you want to be technical about it :))

Another thing I found out on the streets is that I AM NOT ALONE! The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) says that 1 in 17 people have a diagnosable mental illness, and I have seen statistics as high as 1 in 4! I never knew that before, and from early childhood, I kept this secret that I knew there was something really bad wrong with me, I just didn't know what it was (but I thought I was crazy, for sure). And there wasn't anyone I could tell my secret to, because I was afraid they'd lock me up and throw away the key.

Today, there is still stigma surrounding mental illness, so alot of people are afraid to tell people that they have it. So there are still people on the streets, in these homeless shelters and day centers, group homes and other places, not going for treatment. Or using drugs and alcohol to mask their symptoms, like I did, to feel "normal," when all they need is help. All they need to do is to reach out and ask for that help, but too many are still too scared.

So the next time you see a homeless person, think about the fact that maybe they are one of those people who have an undiagnosed mental illness. That maybe they have bipolar disorder like you do, but just haven't gotten treatment.

And never take your stability for granted. Remember what it took for you to get here.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele