Avoiding Confrontations with Bipolar Disorder

Hey, y'all --

Last night I had what could have been a confrontation with my teenage son (well, he's 19, but is back living at home, after 2 aborted tries at living on his own), but didn't, because of my bipolar disorder.

First of all, because I avoid confrontations like the plague. Second of all, I'm no good at them. And third of all, I have bipolar disorder, which means I have to avoid stress, or it could mean bad news for me (an extra pill I have to take to calm my nerves at the least, or a bipolar episode at the worst).

Or I guess I could even add a fourth of all -- I HATE confrontations! Nobody wins. Even if someone wins, nobody wins. There are bad feelings on both sides, no matter what.

So, to keep the peace, I just kept my mouth shut. Then I started feeling resentful toward my son. And I learned in AA that we can't afford resentments (and that is very true). So I had to do something about it, for my own sake. Because of course, my son wasn't going to do anything about it, like apologize or anything (him? No way!).

It was all over a laptop computer. I know, dumb, right? There's worse things to get stressed over. Alot worse things. But ours isn't working, and he's just a whiz with computers. And since we live on disability and can't afford to pay someone to get it fixed, we thought he could help us out to save us some money. Emphasis on "thought." I shouldn't have assumed anything, that was my mistake.

Well, it started with him needing my mouse and keyboard from my office computer. I was needing to do something important for work, which would have only taken 10 min. to do, so I told him I needed to do that first, then he could take all the time he needed. He says I told him to go ahead and take them. Now tell me, how do you misinterpret that? I walked away for a second (just a second, mind you) and the next thing I know, he's set up in the living room with MY keyboard, and MY mouse! And when I said something about it, he said I told him he could!

That's when I was faced with the FIRST confrontation. Should I or shouldn't I? I had to decide.

Ok, so I'm a chicken. I figured I better keep my mouth shut, just to keep the peace. But I still sat there, pouting and resentful.

Finally, I quietly said something to my husband about it, but my son overheard, threw down the keyboard and mouse in a fit, and stormed off with them, attaching them back to my office computer. Angrily he said something under his breath (obviously intending for me to hear, it wasn't that "under his breath") like, "You said you wanted my help, but you think THIS is more important," or something like that.

I did what I had to do for work, which really was that important. And it did only take about 10 or 15 min. But when I came out, my son was storming out the door (even tho he had seen that I was done), and wouldn't help with our laptop, making that obvious.

Second attempt at confrontation on his part. Second decision on my part. Should I or shouldn't I? Second time I chicken out. I HATE confrontations!!!

Especially with him. Even if I think I'm right, he always wins. He has this way of pushing my buttons that stress in small letters becomes STRESS in huge letters and upsets me and my bipolar disorder and, like I said earlier, I just can't afford that. So, just like always, I let him think he won.

So... he storms out. Now my husband and I are both aggravated. And our computer is still broken.

A few minutes later, though... hubby and I have let go of our resentments (not worth it), we're sitting quietly and contentedly watching TV, and our bipolar disorders are intact (thank you, Jesus!). A little later, we went peacefully to bed.

Now, I guarantee you, my son carried his unsatisfied confrontation with him. He is short-tempered and angry, as most teenagers are. He is probably still carrying that resentment with him. But you know what? Maybe he can afford to. I can't.

This has happened before, and will probably happen again. It has too -- we live in the same house. And, like I said, he is a teenager (why are they so angry, anyway?).

But here's the moral of the story:

Having bipolar disorder, I've had to learn to pick my fights. I can't afford the stress. I've decided it isn't worth it. I've learned to let go of all the things that used to push my buttons, that used to upset me, cause confrontations, cost me sleep, stayed in my mind and memory as deep resentments, etc. Some of these things even caused me to get depressed. And that depression led to bipolar episodes.

I don't want to have episodes. As you know, they are the most horrible things for us. So, like I said in the beginning, about how I avoid confrontations at all costs, I mean that for bipolar episodes, only a hundredfold!

I much prefer living peacefully. I cherish my serenity much more than winning a fight that I'll forget later. And someday, my son will appreciate our relationship (every mother's dream). And when he (finally) matures, maybe he won't find the need to confront people so much. At least I hope that for him.

Peace and serenity are just so much better, aren't they? And crucial for those of us with bipolar disorder. Don't you agree? I think I made the right decision.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele