Accepting Your Bipolar Disorder
Hey, y'all --
I had a nice, quiet weekend, how about you? Got to watch 3 old movies (I love old movies, especially Fred Astaire movies), and truly relax. It's hard to relax when you've got bipolar disorder. I mean truly relax.
It seems like we're on this constant vigil, always watching for signs and symptoms so we don't go into an episode. Like we're in a constant war, always watching the enemy.
I hate this disorder. I mean, I really hate this disorder when I'm in a mood like I am today. I want to be "normal." I know, I know, normally I'm so positive, and I preach at y'all to be positive, too. I'm not saying I'm not positive, I still am, at least about life, but I'm very much negative about bipolar disorder today.
It's not that anything specific happened, really. Just in one of those agitated moods that come from having the disorder itself. Sometimes I just get mad at the bipolar. Like it's something outside myself (something I would strangle if I could).
It's like natural enemies. Like, say, dogs and cats. Ever see them together? See the cat hiss at the dog and have its claws out, ready to fight? Yeah, picture that. That's kind of how I feel.
Like bipolar disorder is like this big dragon just preying on me, and I'm the damsel in distress. So where's my hero? My knight in shining armor? Who's going to rescue me from this big, bad dragon? No one. Because I carry this big dragon around inside me. 24/7. Always. Always have. Always will. For the rest of my life.
The good part is that this dragon can be controlled. I can hold it at bay. IF I take my medications. IF I see my psychiatrist and therapist regularly. IF I do all the things I need to do to take care of myself and manage my disorder.
But, God help me if I should slip up! This dragon will swoop in and take away my hard-earned stability faster than I can blink my eyes!
So I don't dare let down my guard. That's why I'm so mad at it today. Because some days I get tired of it. Some days I want to let down my guard and want not to have to try so hard. I want to be lazy, like "normal" people. I want to have a day off. But I don't dare! Do you?
We can't. We just can't. And that's just a fact of life when you have bipolar disorder.
I have to accept the fact that I have bipolar disorder. I have no choice. It isn't my fault, but there are things I can do about it. The biggest thing I can do about it is to NEVER give up the fight. To NEVER let the dragon win.
I have fought long and hard for my stability, and I'll be darned if I'm going to let anyone or anything (especially that dragon) steal it from me. I'm not even going to let myself stand in my own way.
Of course, I'm going to have days like today. I have to be realistic and realize that they're going to happen. I'm human. I have bipolar, and my moods are going to fluctuate. But anger is easier to handle than depression. I'll get over the anger. Actually, this kind of anger is healthy for me -- at least it's anger against the disorder, and not someone else. I can use this anger to keep the bipolar from controlling me, and I can keep controlling it, keeping it in its place.
It helps me to think of the disorder as something outside myself. To call it the dragon. It helps me to accept my bipolar disorder that way.
Whew! I feel alot better getting all that out. Thanks for listening!
What about you? How do you accept your bipolar disorder?
Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele
posted by Michele @ 8:58 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
Oh, I so know what you're saying and going through. I've struggled mightily to accept my bipolar and get on with life, but it's hard. If bipolar was a dragon, I would slay it and have done, but it's inside me and there's nothing I can do. Like you, I'd like to have a day off, too. Best of luck to you.
Nick --
Hello, and welcome to my blog. I'm glad you responded, but there's one thing that concerns me. You said, "but it's inside me and there's nothing I can do." But, Nick, there IS something you can do! There is always something you can do, and that is to NEVER let bipolar get the upper hand. YOU can control your own disorder. Take your medication, see your psychiatrist and therapist regularly, follow a good treatment plan (good sleep, healthy diet, exercise, low stress, etc.), and you can defeat that dragon! I do hope you didn't misunderstand my blog post. I do want you to understand that there ARE things you can do to control your own bipolar disorder.
Keep coming back. Don''t give up! You'll find others struggling with the same things, and you'll find great encouragement from them as well.
Blessings,
Michele
I still struggle with accepting the different moods that come with bipolar. I have to sit and really think and search to figure out if my mood is just a normal mood or if it is caused by the bipolar. I think I accept the bipolar. I just can't accept having to second guess every mood. I can't accept people saying oh its just her bipolar when I am having a normal reaction about something. I get upset over something and it is blamed on the bipolar when it is a normal reaction. That just makes my blood boil and it happens daily. I just don't know how to accept that.
I view my bipolar as something that makes me special. It is a part of what makes me, me. Don't get me wrong it is not what I am or who I am but it is a part of me and it does influence who i am as a person. I am one of Gods children that has a disorder that makes her unique and very special. I look at the past in pretty much the same way. I regret nothing. Every action and every step brought me to where I am now. It influenced who and what I am now. I know I have a strange view of things but I honestly believe that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Plus it helps me to cope with things that were done to me as a child, teenager, and adult. As I always say Forgive the past, accept the present, and embrace the future.
Melissa
Melissa--
Wow! As always, you amaze me with your positive attitude. You teach me so much. You're right - bipolar does make us special, and I like the way you put it. Most days I see it like that (I guess I was just having a bad day) -- especially how creative it makes me. I, too, believe I'm a child of God, and don't believe He makes mistakes. He knew I would have BP, and knew I would be strong enough to deal with it, as you do. I believe that nothing happens in God's world by mistake. And especially in what you said: That what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. You go, girl! You have a fantastic, positive attitude! We can all learn a lot from you.
Michele
Hi Michele-
I know there are things I can do but I was caught up in the part about getting a day off from this crap. Having a day when I didn't have to take meds to make me feel better, or go to the doctor, or have people looking at me strangely. But you're right, we have to stay positive, just like anyone else with a medical problem. I find self-pity is one of the worst things to combat. It's so easy to fall into.
Hey, Nick--
Thanks for sticking around! You reminded me that self-pity is a luxury that I just cannot afford. Yes, I too wish I could take just one day off and not have to take my meds, or do any of the other things that keep me stable, but also things that are luxuries I cannot afford. I need to maintain my stability at all costs. It's like a child who has to take his or her awful tasting medication cuz "Mommy knows what's best." I don't want to stay sick, know what I mean?
Michele
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