Living On The Edge Of Insanity

Hey, y'all --

First of all, let me say that although I felt like I was taking a risk sharing about my near-bipolar episode in my last post, I appreciated so much the comments I received. I felt so much support, warmth, and unconditional love, as well as some good advice, and I wanted to thank you.

Today's blog, in fact, is in response to one of those posts. It made me think long and hard, and reminded me how true some things are about having bipolar disorder and, if not reminded about them, can be very dangerous for us.

For example, what happened to me recently. So close to a bipolar episode, and not even realizing it. And even my supporter (my husband) not seeing it, because it was being masked by my being so physically sick.

It took a truly insightfuly therapist and nurse to see objectively what was going on, and I'm grateful for that. I can see now how very important it is to have a good support system, not just one person on whom to depend. One person (including yourself) can miss something important, while other people can catch it.

Anyway, I hope this person doesn't mind my quoting her post, but I don't want anyone to miss her words, because they are so crucial, in my opinion.

She talked about lessons in disguise. She said, "The biggest lesson of all for me is how close I always am to either depression or manic, how fragile I am, how vulnerable I am, what a fine line there is between sanity and insanity so it is a vigil which cannot be ignored."

Wow. I haven't been able to stop thinking about those words ever since I read them. I am so convicted by them. I have taken my stability for granted, and I have to confess that. I guess that's why I was reminded of it these past few weeks. Like this woman said, "How close I always am to either depression or manic..." My mistake was that I forgot that. And forgetting that can be very dangerous to those of us with bipolar disorder.

I hate to think of myself as fragile. I like to think I have power over my bipolar. But I guess I never will, although I can manage it. I had learned in Alcoholics Anonymous that I have no power over my alcoholism in the very first step, and I accept that. So why is it so much harder to learn to accept that about my bipolar disorder?

I also learned that alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It always lies in wait. It doesn't matter if you've been sober for 5 minutes, 5 years, or 50 years. As soon as you start drinking again...it's on!

Well, that's how I see bipolar disorder. It NEVER lets its grip loose on you. If you stop taking your medications, stop going to therapy, stop following your treatment plan, stop doing the things you do that keep you stable...it's on! And the disorder will move in and start managing YOU instead of the other way around!

"...how vulnerable I am..." this woman posted. I always have to remember that. I kind of resented it when I read it at first, because remember, we're talking about ME here, the woman who has that big S tattooed on her chest? Little Miss Superwoman? But she is so right. I AM vulnerable when it comes to bipolar disorder. We all are. We can't let down our guard.

But here's what really got to me: "...what a fine line there is between sanity and insanity and so it is a vigil which cannot be ignored."

I have a coffee cup that says, "I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it!" I usually think it's funny. Not today. Not when I'm reminded of all the times I've been locked up, called crazy, labeled "insane," and even one time taken before a judge and thought I'd never be let out of the institution. It was one thing when I called myself insane - I thought it was funny. It was quite another thing when other people started taking it seriously. It scared me - what if they were right?

So yes, it truly is a fine line. Without medication, a fine line that my mind would cross. And that truly is a frightening thought. I have the type of bipolar disorder that involves hallucinations and delusions. So without medications, my mind does turn insane. It turns on me. It turns on others. It turns on itself. There's that fine line again between sanity and insanity.

But there is hope. If I were to live every day in this fear, I really would go insane. The hope is the "vigil which cannot be ignored." I don't have to keep vigil and live in fear. I have to keep vigil on the things I do to control my bipolar disorder. I have to keep vigil and make sure I take my medications (ALL of them!).

I have to keep vigil on that fine line between sanity and insanity. I HAVE to! Because I never want to go insane again. Sanity is too precious to me. And I never want to take it for granted again. It's a place you can go to and take a chance on never coming back from.

Thank God for bipolar support systems (and the people who love us unconditionally), and places we can go for help (like bipolarcentral.com, and this blog and the people who post on it). Thank God for doctors, psychiatrists and therapists. Thank God for medications that keep us stable. Thank God for sanity.

And thank God for God. Because without His grace, I wouldn't be here.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele