Up And Down And Back Again

Hey, y'all --

Well, I have something to confess. I know this blog is supposed to be about the ups and downs of being a survivor with bipolar disorder, but I've still found myself trying to the Superwoman of all bipolar survivors anyway. I try to write about the good stuff without ever writing about the bad, and I apologize for that. So here's my confession.

The past few days have been very hard for me. I've tried to be so strong for everyone else, including y'all, not letting anyone know what was really going on inside me. And what was really going on inside was that I was depressed.

There's been so much going wrong with all the people I cared about, and I was internalizing all their problems -- I just couldn't seem to let anything go. Work seemed to be such a pressure to me, even though I work for the best boss in the world, and it wasn't his fault. It wasn't that the assignments were too overwhelming for me, it was just that I was feeling overwhelmed by everything.

I was crying at the drop of a hat, and I just couldn't understand why my emotions were so out of control. ME? I thought. Me, who's always so strong. Me, who's not only strong for myself, but for everyone else as well. Me, who doesn't let anything get to her. Me, who hands out advice like candy, but doesn't let other people's problems get inside her except to pray for them.

Yes, ME. I've been so physically sick for over 2 weeks, ending up in the ER, as I think I told you. I blamed it all on the physical exhaustion of being sick. I was just so tired, I thought. But never attributed it to depression. I NEVER get depressed, I thought.

2 days ago, I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. Over everything. Over nothing. I got the news that my cousin's son, who has bipolar disorder, was unmedicated, had started on alcohol and drugs, had crashed his car, and died. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I started crying, and couldn't seem to stop.

My husband was there, and he was so comforting. The perfect supporter. He said all the right things, without babying me. He told me to go back to work, because when I'm working, I'm fine. I'm able to shut everything else out, and just get into my "zone." I put away all my emotions, and just threw myself into my work. And it worked.

Then yesterday, I went to see my therapist. The minute I walked into her office, I broke down in tears. She asked me what I was crying about, and I told her everything I've told you. I just told her I needed a safe place to cry. I just needed a good cry.

She knew this wasn't like me, and asked me what was different. To make an already too long story shorter, she asked about my illness and about my medication. Suddenly I realized that somehow, I had stopped taking one of medications without even realizing it, sometime during the time that I was sick. And this was a REAL important medication for the depressive side of my bipolar disorder.

She told me to call my psychiatrist as soon as I got home, which I did. I talked to the nurse, who told me to call the pharmacist. I did, and the pharmacy tech told me the prescription had never been filled! Somehow, there had been an error in the filling of this medication, believe it or not.

Anyway, I got the medication filled, took last night's and this morning's dose, and I can already feel the difference. I know medication isn't supposed to work that fast normally, but I remember when I first went on it, it worked from the first day on, so I'm not surprised.

I don't feel depressed today, and I no longer feel like crying. I have more energy than I've had in the three days before it, and I'm encouraged that this was the problem all along.

It just makes me mad at myself, though, that although I preach it to everyone else to always check your medications, I didn't practice what I preach. Well, you better believe this girl is going to do that from now on!

Well, I hope y'all are doing well with your own bipolar disorder. Don't make the same mistake that I did. Learn from mine. And always call your psychiatrist if you feel "off" in any way, like I did.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele