Thursday, January 15, 2009

Up And Down And Back Again

Hey, y'all --

Well, I have something to confess. I know this blog is supposed to be about the ups and downs of being a survivor with bipolar disorder, but I've still found myself trying to the Superwoman of all bipolar survivors anyway. I try to write about the good stuff without ever writing about the bad, and I apologize for that. So here's my confession.

The past few days have been very hard for me. I've tried to be so strong for everyone else, including y'all, not letting anyone know what was really going on inside me. And what was really going on inside was that I was depressed.

There's been so much going wrong with all the people I cared about, and I was internalizing all their problems -- I just couldn't seem to let anything go. Work seemed to be such a pressure to me, even though I work for the best boss in the world, and it wasn't his fault. It wasn't that the assignments were too overwhelming for me, it was just that I was feeling overwhelmed by everything.

I was crying at the drop of a hat, and I just couldn't understand why my emotions were so out of control. ME? I thought. Me, who's always so strong. Me, who's not only strong for myself, but for everyone else as well. Me, who doesn't let anything get to her. Me, who hands out advice like candy, but doesn't let other people's problems get inside her except to pray for them.

Yes, ME. I've been so physically sick for over 2 weeks, ending up in the ER, as I think I told you. I blamed it all on the physical exhaustion of being sick. I was just so tired, I thought. But never attributed it to depression. I NEVER get depressed, I thought.

2 days ago, I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. Over everything. Over nothing. I got the news that my cousin's son, who has bipolar disorder, was unmedicated, had started on alcohol and drugs, had crashed his car, and died. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I started crying, and couldn't seem to stop.

My husband was there, and he was so comforting. The perfect supporter. He said all the right things, without babying me. He told me to go back to work, because when I'm working, I'm fine. I'm able to shut everything else out, and just get into my "zone." I put away all my emotions, and just threw myself into my work. And it worked.

Then yesterday, I went to see my therapist. The minute I walked into her office, I broke down in tears. She asked me what I was crying about, and I told her everything I've told you. I just told her I needed a safe place to cry. I just needed a good cry.

She knew this wasn't like me, and asked me what was different. To make an already too long story shorter, she asked about my illness and about my medication. Suddenly I realized that somehow, I had stopped taking one of medications without even realizing it, sometime during the time that I was sick. And this was a REAL important medication for the depressive side of my bipolar disorder.

She told me to call my psychiatrist as soon as I got home, which I did. I talked to the nurse, who told me to call the pharmacist. I did, and the pharmacy tech told me the prescription had never been filled! Somehow, there had been an error in the filling of this medication, believe it or not.

Anyway, I got the medication filled, took last night's and this morning's dose, and I can already feel the difference. I know medication isn't supposed to work that fast normally, but I remember when I first went on it, it worked from the first day on, so I'm not surprised.

I don't feel depressed today, and I no longer feel like crying. I have more energy than I've had in the three days before it, and I'm encouraged that this was the problem all along.

It just makes me mad at myself, though, that although I preach it to everyone else to always check your medications, I didn't practice what I preach. Well, you better believe this girl is going to do that from now on!

Well, I hope y'all are doing well with your own bipolar disorder. Don't make the same mistake that I did. Learn from mine. And always call your psychiatrist if you feel "off" in any way, like I did.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

4 Comments:

At 5:31 AM, Blogger Wendy Love said...

Michele,
Thanks for sharing your crisis which had a good ending! What a reminder to all of us who are receiving support with medication to stay on top of it. We can't control our life around us but at least we can be consistent about our meds. I have had a few dives a little like yours, and they have worked out to be lessons in disguise. The biggest lesson of all for me is how close I always am to either depression or manic, how fragile I am, how vulnerable I am, what a fine line there is between sanity and insanity and so it is a vigil which cannot be ignored. I am thankful for a husband who keeps vigil with me. Sometimes it seems like he is picking on me when he says "maybe you should just rest today" but I know he has my best interests at heart.(And I have to remember that if I get sick it makes his life miserable as well!) Thanks for your honest sharing!
Wendalyn Love

 
At 1:44 AM, Blogger Melissa said...

Dear Michele,
My condolences on he loss of your cousins son. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Don't beat yourself up to much on the rest of things. I am like you and tend to care to much about people and want to fix or solve all their problems. I am learning to step back. I can be real good about dishing out the advice but I sometimes forget to listen to my own advice.
thank you for sharing what is going own in your life with us. That is what we are here for to help each other through difficult times. I am so glad that you got your medication straightened out and are back on the right track. I also am learning to be more careful with my medication. Just missing one pill will throw me off track and I tend to forget to call in the refill or to tell my husband to pick the med up when he goes to work. I am going to really work on that.
Your a wonderful person and you have the right to have some off days here and there. Don't beat yourself up over it. I am here for you anytime you need to talk. Just email me angeleeyore1971@yahoo.com.
your friend
Melissa

 
At 8:59 AM, Blogger Michelle said...

Wow! I am so glad that you were able to get your medication straightened out. That's kind of scary that you had no idea that you weren't taking an important one. What a wonderful therapist to ask about something like that and help you get taken care of.

I had never really realized how much my meds helped me until now, being off of them. It has been eye opening just what "that time" of the month can do to me and my mood. I never recall being so depressed and apathetic before! Part of me hated it and wanted so badly to call my doctor, tell her I changed my mind about the whole baby thing, and get put back on immediately. The sane part of me told myself to wait and see if it was hormone related, and that I have an appointment in Feb anyway. I also started talking to the insurance people about options for a behavioral therapist. Now I just have to decide if I want a phsychologist an hour away, or a mental health counselor right in town...

 
At 7:29 AM, Blogger Michele said...

Dear Everybody,
You have all touched my heart more than you know. I feel such unconditional love. It's wonderful how we are all helping each other, and how you are there for me when I need it, too. I took a risk in revealing what I did about myself, and it paid off. Thank you so much for understanding, and for all your comments.

Michelle, be careful being off your meds. I do know how much you want a baby, but your stabiity does come first. Your depression is already starting, and I'm very worried about you. Either counselor or therapist can help you with talking about your issues, but you need psychiatrist to help with meds, should you go back on them. Keep posting about all this so we can keep a close watch on it, ok? You need to keep being accountable - it seems to help you very much as far as monitoring your bipolar.
Michele

 

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