Back to Bipolar Normal

Hey, y'all --

Sorry I missed my last post, but I've been sick all week -- ended up in the ER with severe dehydration and blood pressure of 88/64. Not so great, huh? And I just thought I had the drasted flu that just wouldn't go away! Anyway, I'm on the mend now, and back with y'all (and the rest of the world).

Well, it's back to bipolar normal now. Holidays over, new year to face, and optimism toward the future. I didn't get off to a great start, being sick and all, but that hasn't changed my optimism. Hey, it could've been worse, right? It could've been a bipolar episode instead of just dehydration.

So, things are pretty much back to normal around here. Which pretty much means nothing much to say.

Sometimes I think those are the best times of all. When things are just going along like they should. No high highs... no low lows. And definitely no rollercoaster ride. I read a saying one time that said, "If you like rollercoasters, you'll LOVE bipolar disorder!" (hey, I think I made that up! or maybe I didn't). Anyway, I thought it was hilarious. But seriously, I remember in the beginning, it sure did feel like I was on one. It took a long time for me to be stable.

So for me to be grateful now for just a "bipolar normal" day is saying alot.

Remember those beginning days? Oh gosh, it was hard. The initial diagnosis, just taking that in. The joy of finally knowing what was wrong with me was replaced by the horror of, "Oh my God, now what do I do?"

And then, of course (self-centered person thatI was) I thought that I was the only person in the world who felt like I did. Back then, I didn't know that a place like bipolarcentral.com even existed, much less that there were others out there with the same disorder and same feelings that I was going through. And I didn't even know what a blog was, and there was no blog like this for me to go to.

And then from the doctor to the psychiatrist to the therapist. I went through several therapists. Kind of like going from zero to 60 in about 5 seconds. Either they didn't like me or I didn't like them. Or my insurance wouldn't cover them. Or I'd get one, then she'd get pregnant. Or I'd get another, and then she'd be overloaded and couldn't see me. Or she'd have to leave for whatever reason. Then I finally found one and she left and the new one could only see me once a month. Once a month? At that time, I needed one once a DAY! I thought I was going totally insane.

Then I found one that I totally related to, and I stayed with her for three years. But then I got the news -- she was dropping me because "I just don't feel like I can take you any further." What kind of an excuse is that? I felt like saying. There was plenty more I had to tell her! But I felt abandoned.

Next I got a therapist who was fine for the first few months at once a week, then every other week, then only once a month (her scheduling), then she took on another therapist's load (the other therapist got pregnant), and couldn't see me but every 2 months. Guess what? Time to go therapist shopping again!

Well, I went into a manic episode during this time (told you I needed a therapist once a week!) and ended up in the hospital, and upon discharge, they recommended the therapist I still have. And, let me tell you, if I had had her all along, I'd probably be completely, totally, and perfectly SANE! (of course, I think we all have a little insanity in us, bipolar or not). But she is the most wonderful therapist, and the perfect therapist for me. And she sees me every week, with no end in sight. Not that I'm grateful for that manic episode, because if I hadn't had it, I wouldn't have the therapist I have now. See? God has a way of turning even the worst things around for good.

My psychiatrist I've had for over 4 (maybe 5) years now, and I couldn't have handpicked one better. He really manages my medications the best for me.

It was horrible in the beginning, though. I had doctors that, I swear, I must have had the words "guinea pig" stamped onto my side or something, because they tried everything on me (at least once). Always changing doses, always changing medications and combinations of medications. And this went on for a two-year period! And it seemed like every time my medication was changed, they had to put me in the hospital to do it (nothing but fun for me).

But finally my medication stabilized, and so did I.

So it's been a "fun" ride, but I'm stable now, and totally, totally grateful for it.

Well, for not having much to say today, I sure said a mouthful!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele