Bipolar Depression Because of Dropping Medication

Hey, y'all --

Well, I spent one truly depressed day yesterday, due to dropping a bipolar med. Don't worry, I discussed it with my psychiatrist first. Today, I feel the same, so that's how I know it's the medication, and not the bipolar (going into a bipolar depressive episode) or me myself (just being in a bad mood) or just having a funky day.

That's what I wanted to talk about today.

You know how I'm always talking about NEVER going off your medications without talking it over with your doctor or psychiatrist first, right? Well, I did talk about this first with my psych.

I'm on alot of bipolar meds, and sometimes it gets to me. I wish I could take one magic pill and I'd be stable with my bipolar (but don't we all! :)) Usually, I'm ok with it, because my "sanity cocktail" works for me, and it took a long time to get the combination of meds I'm on now, and the stability I so cherish. It's just that sometimes, I look at all the bottles and think about how many I'm taking, and wish for that one magic pill, you know?

Oh, well, I have to deal with reality. And the reality is, I do have to take all those pills to remain stable. And, as I always say, I'll do whatever it takes to stay stable -- I fought too hard to get here.

Well, anyway, I was telling my psych about all this, and we talked about which of my meds we could drop, if any. And he said that, if I wanted, we could drop this one, "on a trial basis," and see how I do. I should say, emphasis on "and see how I do." Because, apparently, I'm not doing very well off this medication.

For a few days, I was doing pretty well. Actually, very well, since I didn't notice any difference. But some medications stay in your system, at a certain level in your bloodstream, for 24-36 hours, some even more. This one, I guess, stayed the 36 hours. Then, the depression set in yesterday, and is there again today.

I'm on mood stabilizers, but this one is specifically for depression only, and combined real well with them. We thought I'd do ok without it. At least "on a trial basis." We also talked about only going down to 1/2 a pill. My point was, if I only go down to 1/2 a pill, I'm still taking the pill, which defeats the whole purpose -- I still have to take a pill! :)

Ok, so here's the point (points):

Point #1: I already knew not to mess with my meds without talking to my psychiatrist about it first. Now, I have a great psych, who lets me be a part of my own treatment (as all good docs should). He left the decision up to me.

Point #2: He said we'd do it on a "trial basis."

Point #3: We had a Plan B (go to 1/2 pill instead of a whole pill). We even had a Plan C (I could go back to a whole pill if the 1/2 pill didn't cut it).

Point #4: I noted my signs and symptoms. One time, or one day of depression, does not a bipolar episode make. Even people without bipolar disorder get depressed from time to time. You can't judge by a single time. But today I have the same symptoms. (I could give it another day to just make sure, but two days is enough for me, thank you very much!)

But tonight I'm going back on that med. I appreciate my psych letting it be my decision, I really do. And I know it's my body. It's also my bipolar disorder, and I've learned to manage it well. Part of that management has been learning how to manage my bipolar meds -- so this is all part of that. I did the right thing -- I talked to my psych first, we worked out a plan, and I followed that plan.

But it's not worth the depression. I HATE being depressed, don't you? Like the world drops out from under you? I much prefer stability, where maybe there isn't that "high high" excitement from a bipolar mania, but there isn't that "low low" from a bipolar depression, either. I like being "normal," somewhere in between.

I wish I didn't need medication, don't you? But if it helps us stay stable, isn't it worth it?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele