On the Merry-Go-Round

Hey, y'all --

Remember when we were kids, how when we went on the merry-go-round, we'd grab which horse we thought would be the "fastest," or go the "highest" (what did we know, right?) :)

We thought the people who sat in the seats that didn't move weren't going to have as good a time as WE were, didn't we?

Well, lately I feel like I'm back on that merry-go-round again -- the bipolar merry-go-round, that is. I've been so up and down lately, I wonder when I'm going to meet myself in the middle! Now I envy those people in the seats that don't move.

It's not that I'm not stable, just that I've been very emotional lately. I just wonder what's up with that. I've ruled out several physical things, so I know it isn't "female-related," or anything, so I think it has to be related to my bipolar, and that bothers me more.

I hate not having control over my own brain. Know what I mean?

I always thought I had control over myself and my life (turns out I really never did). But I really hate this. I hate not having control over the chemical imbalance of bipolar disorder -- those cute little buggers they call synapses in my brain that can fire off at will and cause me to have mood swings just like that!

To top it off, I'm a rapid-cycler, so things can really be fun sometimes. Yeah, real fun.

Mood swings and bipolar disorder are like this (crossing fingers). They just go together. And usually I can be very cool about it all. Just accept it. But lately, with the merry-go-round going off in my head, I don't think so.

It's these times that I really hate this disorder. Don't get me wrong, I accept that I have BP. But I don't have to like it. That's nowhere in the rule book. Nobody ever said I had to like it. I just have to accept it.

So I have to manage it, in order to stay stable. And I do that.

So where are these conflicting emotions coming from, then? These ups and downs of late? I can even look back at my posts and see them manifested. I myself am confused by it, so I feel sorry for y'all! :)

But the point is, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, my work, my marriage, or my life in general! Nothing to point a finger at and blame for these mood swings!

Nothing that I can say is definitely responsible for this overwhelming feeling one minute so bad that I want to have a crying jag, and the next minute I want to scream my head off!

Have any of you ever felt like this?

I sure wish you'd tell me about it if you have. I'd hate to think I'm the only one.

Usually I just laugh it off. Humor is one of my greatest coping techniques. But it seems to be failing me the past couple of days.

Well, if anyone has any feedback, I'd sure like to hear it.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele