Loving Someone with Bipolar

Hey, y'all--

Yesterday, I went back into the archives of my blog to the first few posts on here and was reading some of your old comments to the entries I wrote--specifically about how hard it is to love someone who has bipolar, and what you have to put up with. It made me think, to say the least. Especially because I, myself, am in love with a man who has bipolar disorder. I haven't said anything about it, because things have been going well. But the past two weeks, he hasn't been "himself", and that has bothered me. Reading thru old posts on this blog, I read that many of you have gone thru or are going thru the same thing.

When I was young, my mother told me, "It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is to fall in love with a poor man." So, then, it's just as easy to fall in love with someone who does NOT have BP as someone who DOES have BP, right? Well, unfortunately, I didn't listen to her in either case. Because the heart doesn't abide by any rules. It falls in love with whomever it chooses.

But I was reading about people who, if it weren't for the children, would have left their spouse a long time ago...about people who say their spouse never told them they have BP until after the marriage, and it's like they're a totally different person now...people who have fallen out of love with they're spouse because of the difficulties of loving someone with BP...people who talk about how it's just too hard to take care of someone with BP...people who just cannot understand BP at all...people who are just stressed out trying to "control" someone with BP... people who are broke because of someone's mania...people who are angry...people who are lost... people who are sad...people who are confused...people who are helpless...people who just don't know what to do anymore...people who have given up...

If you want to see what I'm talking about, click on the archives of this blog. Read some of the old posts. Or you may not even have to. You may know firsthand what I'm talking about. This may be happening in your own relationship/marriage even as I'm writing this. I know the feeling. These past two weeks my boyfriend has been depressed, and has slept most of the time, and pretty much a zombie the rest of the time. At any rate, he sure wasn't acting like the man I fell in love with, and I was...well, suffice to say, I ran the gamet of emotions, none of them positive. He says it's the medications (his doctor put him on some new medications). And that may be true. Those with BP do have to cope with what I call the "medication merry-go-round", where our doctors change our medications, add new meds, or up dosages of current meds, and we do react in different ways and, yes, it is frustrating for us as well as the people who love us.

But because of the way he was acting, I reacted as well. And I began to fall into a depression, and that wouldn't be good for either of us. But I prayed about it, and I remembered that I committed myself to love him NO MATTER WHAT--to have unconditional love for him, as he does for me. This may sound cliche to most of you, even impossible to some of you...and maybe it is easier because we both have BP, so we can make allowances that others in relationships cannot do. Because we understand the disorder.

Try going back to the beginning. If you don't understand the disorder itself, you will never understand your partner. Go back to the articles I've written, or to bipolarcentral.com and learn. It has nothing to do with love at all--in fact, your partner probably loves you more than you can ever know. But BP has a way of taking control of us like a lassoo around a rodeo bull, and we cannot help ourselves at times. That's when we need our loved ones the most, even tho it probably seems like we're rejecting help.

Was I angry that my boyfriend slept all weekend? Yeah. Was I frustrated that he wasn't himself? Yep. Did I feel helpless because he was depressed? You betcha. But, in spite of all the downsides of bipolar disorder, I love this man with all my heart, and I made a choice that I will be there for him, no matter what. And so I hung in there, no matter how I "felt". I know it isn't the easy way. Nope--it is definitely NOT easy, as I'm sure ALL of you can attest! But it's worth it to me. In spite of all the ups and downs, it's worth it to me.

It still boils down to a choice. It takes a LOT of love to stay with someone who has BP. A WHOLE lot of love. And a very strong commitment. If you can't do it, that's understandable. If you can, no one will give you a medal. But it's still your choice in the end. I still say, to make the right choice, you must have all the information, and it is readily available on this website. And pray about it. And share about it on here, because YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There are others out there struggling with the same thing you are!

And, always, remember that God loves you, and so do I.
Love,
Michele

This Too Shall Pass

Ouch. Bad day. And it isn't even Monday! Yeah, guess what? I get depressed, too, and today is one of those days. I went too far into my head--a place I should never go without parental supervision, anyway. But I did...and went into my past, and the next thing you know, well, we all know what happens when we dwell on something we have no place dwelling on...yep! You got it! Instant depression, just like we can pour it out of a box and pour some milk over it, serve it with a spoon and voila! Instant breakfast. Sorry for the sarcasm, but hey, if I don't at least try to inject a little humor into this, I may spiral down into this thing and go where no man has gone before! (insert Star Trek theme here).

Anyway, I started thinking about my dad, who was physically abusive, and started thinking the "it's not fair" thing...then jumped right onto that ole pity pot...and yeah, Mr. Depression came a-callin' just like I had set out the cold cuts and party platter! Started crying so hard I ended up with a migraine (naturally) and had to take a migraine pill, and so anxious I had to take one of "those" pills as well. You know the ones--the cute little white or yellow ones they give you to take "as needed"--yeah, those, the ones you have to take when you feel like kicking the dog! (or cat, or spouse, or [insert choice here]).

Ok, so then I'm calmer, at least, laying in bed, counting the holes in my ceiling tiles, trying to get some gratitude. Well, the only thing I can feel grateful for right now is that I'm counting the holes in MY ceiling tiles instead of the ceiling tiles in the institution! But hey, I think to myself, it could be worse.

And that's when things start changing. That one thought--"It could be worse." Because then I think, "Hey--I've been here before. I've felt like this before. I've been depressed before. I have felt "crazy" before. The key is, I have always come out of it. Yes, however dark this depression feels right now, however strong these emotions are, however crazy I feel right now... I have been here before. AND I HAVE ALWAYS COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE!!

So there you have it. No great Shakespearean quote, no great Einsteinean theory... just a little bit of hope from one BP to another. When we are in a depression, no matter how bad it seems at the time, it helps to remember: THIS TOO SHALL PASS! Think to yourself, just as I have had to do today--I have been here before, and I came out on the other side. I can do it again. Sometimes that's the best we can do, but at least that's something!

Hey! Guess what? I feel better now! Really! I do! Maybe that's another thing--talking it out (or writing it out, like I just did) may help during a depression. Ya think?

Anyway, God loves you and so do I. Hope at least that thought helps.
Love,
Michele

The First Time

Hey, y'all--

I know that so many of you are struggling with depression right now, and I know what that's like, you know I do. So many years of it, so long the struggle, so deep the pain... and today, no matter how long you've been depressed, or how deep that depression is, I want you to consider one thing. One simple thought. Even if you are laying in your bed with the covers over your head, you can still do this. I want you to think of this one simple thought:

THE FIRST TIME

That's it. That's all I ask. Think of THE FIRST TIME.

"When we can live our lives as if it is always the first time--the first time we made love, the first time we gazed upon the face of our beloved, the first time we tasted ice cream, the first time we saw a bird--we won't have to try to experience a sense of gratitude. It will be there, automatically, as a natural response to the beauty and the bounty." (excerpt from the book Attitudes of Gratitude).

Let's go back to the NTS idea I shared with you the other day. Your next small step can be simply, right where you are, to think of THE FIRST TIME. Think of the first time you heard music that swept you away. Remember that tune, that voice, that group, and let it play in your head--let it wash all over you.

Think of the first time you held your newborn child in your arms, thinking what a miracle that was. Dwell on that thought for a little while, until you have re-experienced that memory in your head.

Think of the first time you did something you were proud of--your first achievement--and remember that.

Think of the first time you...well, I'll leave the rest up to you. There are so many "first times" that have already made up your life up to this point. They are each a happy memory. Even if you cannot even get out of your bed at this point in your depression, your thoughts can take you to a happier place just by remembering your own "first times." But it is your choice. Only you can do this. I pray that you will make the right choice for yourself today.

May today be an even better day for you than yesterday was!

Remember, God loves you, and so do I!
Love,
Michele

True Richness

Hey, y'all--

Many of us with BP have had to go on disability and, thus, have had to struggle with surviving on very little income, so financial hardship is a big part of having bipolar disorder. With that in mind, I'd like to share with you what I wrote in my journal this morning:

"Richness" is not calculated in dollars and cents but, rather, by the condition of the spirit. If one's spirit is content and one's heart full of love, peace, and joy, that person has richness beyond which any amount of money could purchase. On the other hand, if one is spiritually bankrupt, continually seeking accolades, attention and financial rewards from the world for his efforts, yet finds his heart cold and empty, that person is in such poverty that all the money in the world could not make him "rich."

I hope each of you realize that you are richer than you realized you were, and I pray that today would be an "up" day for all of you.

God loves you and so do I!
Love,
Michele

Next Tiny Step (NTS)

Hey, y'all--

I've discovered a teaching that could help all of us coping with depression (whether now or in the future), and wanted to share it with you right away. I know there were times when I was in the depressed end of a BP episode when I couldn't even get out of bed, that had I had this thought in my mind, I may have been able to at least get out of bed, or even gotten to the shower, either of which would have been NTS as viewed by others, but major steps for me at the time.

NTS = Next Tiny Step

We can always initiate some change, no matter how small. God doesn't ask us to take big steps... just the NEXT TINY STEP (NTS).

In Winning Life's Toughest Battles, Dr. Julias Segal writes of the importance of taking action, no matter how small, in times of great stress and difficulty. The more difficult the trouble, he says, the more important it is to take some small step--to act, and hence, reduce your feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness...Segal insists that the smallest action can be the key to survival.

I think this is an encouraging thought because, had I known it during my last BP depression, it may have made a difference, however small.

As my depression became deeper and deeper, I felt more and more overwhelmed by the thought that I couldn't do anything to stop it! I felt like the depression was in control over me, and not the other way around. No matter how many doctors, no matter how many pills, that feeling of helplessness and hopelessness just seemed to cover me like a dark cloak, threatening to choke out the very life in me. And I just could not describe this to others. So I kept it to myself, which made me feel even more isolated and alone. Until I just couldn't get out of bed at all, not even to take a shower. (NTS...Michele, just take the next tiny step. Just get out of bed. Maybe take a shower. Don't worry about what you will do after that. Just NTS. Just do that, only that. Get out of bed and maybe take a shower. That's all...)

What a difference NTS would have made. I hope it makes a difference for you.

Remember, God loves you, and so do I!
Michele

Regarding Depression and Grief

Hey, y'all--

For those who are new to my blog, you may not know that my sister, who also had bipolar disorder, went off her meds and killed herself last April. I am still having a hard time about this, because she was my best friend and "the twin of my heart." I still miss her so much, and am still having a hard time with, as someone told me, "getting over it." I know about the 5 stages in the grief cycle. Problem is, no one can tell you how long it will take you to get through those five stages. It's different for everyone.

The first stage in the grief cycle is anger. Oh, yeah, I've been through that, all right! (still go through it). Mad at her for doing that to me, leaving me alone, etc. Mad that I don't know WHY she did it. Mad at God for letting it happen, etc. And then, past the anger, is always the depression, because I feel the loss so deeply, it's like someone stuck a knife in my heart. I feel like telling that person who said I just "need to get over it" to tell me that when they have lost someone they loved as much as I loved my sister!

Sometimes it's better than other times, just like all of us with BP--sometimes the mood swings are better than other times. Still, they seem to be there. Well, of course they are! We have a disorder that involves mood swings! With the right treatment, including the right medication, the disorder can be managed, and we can live a relatively normal life, but that doesn't mean we are ever "cured." Some days are better than other days. And for us, that's good. We learn to enjoy the good days, and just get through the bad days.

For those of us with BP, depression is something we have learned to live with. But coupled with grief, however, it can kinda blow us over like a palm tree in a Florida hurricane. So is there any encouragement we can find in that kind of situation? May be a small thing, but in light of everything I've said, I want to share with you something from one of my readings this morning that a woman wrote after the death of her son:

"I realize how lucky I am, not to have lost my son, but to have had him for as long as I did. I'm lucky to have known the importance of certain moments that catch your soul and may never come again."

For those of us with BP, there are some things we cannot control, like the fact that we will never be "cured" from this disorder. But there are some things we can control, and one of those things is our attitude towards our disorder and towards life, loss included. We can decide to take control of our BP, and not let it control us. We can have a positive and grateful attitude toward life, accepting that although we will still have depression at times, those times will pass, and will not rule our lives as they did before--that we can overcome depression, or at least learn how to manage it.

And we can accept that loss is a natural part of life, and the way we receive that loss will determine how hard it is on us--thinking about the quote above may help with that. Having a positive attitude in life, in general, will help in all the areas with which we struggle. Medication and therapy can only go so far. The rest is up to us.

Love,
Michele

The Greatest of All Miracles

Hey, y'all--

Here's a quote from one of my readings this morning I thought might inspire you.
It's by a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who now lives in exile in France, after experiencing horrific suffering, and yet is inexplicably still filled with peace and joy:

"Suffering is not enough. Life is both dreadful and wonderful. How can I smile when I am filled with so much sorrow? It is natural--you need to smile to your sorrow because you are more than your sorrow... The greatest miracle of all miracles is to be alive."

No matter how depressed you are today, remember what this monk has said:
THE GREATEST MIRACLE OF ALL MIRACLES IS TO BE ALIVE.

If you still feel depressed after reading that, remember my own simple quote, and keep it close to your heart, reminding yourself as often as you need to, sticking it up on your bathroom mirror in bold letters to see every morning if you have to: "It won't always be this way."

Love,
Michele

We Are Only Human

Hey, y'all--

I wanted to share with you a new insight I learned this week about depression. Like other lessons I've learned, this, too, I had to learn the hard way (surprise!). I had thought that after I had the ECT treatments, I would never be depressed again. I don't know why I thought that, but I really did. So, needless to say, I've been depressed a few times since the ECT. The first couple times really threw me, and I kept them secret, believing there was something still wrong with me. And also scared that if I told anyone about the depressions, I would have to go back for more ECT sessions (a huge error in thinking, as I'll tell you about shortly).

When I finally told my boyfriend about my depressions, and expressed my fear that because of them, I thought the ECT hadn't worked, he surprised me by saying, "What did you expect? You're only human!" So, after I picked myself off the floor... I asked him to explain. See, he has BP as well, so I value his opinion. First he acknowledged that the ECT had, in fact, worked, and that I have been soooo much better than I was before. Then he told me that it was unrealistic to expect that I would never be depressed again, as even non-BP people get depressed. And that it was only fear that was causing me to think that the ECT had failed and that I would have to go back for more sessions. Finally, he told me that my mistake was in not sharing how I was feeling, which was the same mistake I had always made when I got depressed--that I would keep all those feelings inside, spiraling downward to the bottom of a BP depression, until I ended up in the institution.

Now that I am talking openly about my thoughts and feelings when I get depressed, I find that I AM only human, and that other people have these same thoughts, and that I'm ok! I'm (relatively) NORMAL, in fact! What I've learned is that it was my isolation that was my biggest enemy. When I kept everything to myself, my own thoughts had no outlet, so they turned on me, having me believe things that really weren't true, but I had no way of knowing that, because I didn't share them.

Now it seems like such a simple solution for such a complicated problem. And it works! Believe me, friends, it really does work. As soon as I start feeling depressed, I share my thoughts and feelings with someone I trust (or my journal, if no one is around), and get feedback (usually, they tell me I'm not as crazy as I think I am!!). By doing that, I have learned one of the greatest lessons of all--to PUT THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE. And by doing that, I have learned that WE ARE ONLY HUMAN. We are not as different from "everyone else" as our disorder would have us believe.

From one "only human" BP survivor to another,
Have a great week! Let me know how y'all are doing, ok?
Love,
Michele

Forgiveness is not a Feeling

Hey, y'all!

Hope you had a Happy New Year! I, of course, never even made it to the dropping of the ball, which is no surprise, since it's been more years than I can count since I did! 10:00 is about as late as I can stay up these days. So...anybody make any New Year's resolutions? I usually steer clear of that, as I do making promises, as I inevitably break them, so I just don't make them. So this year my only resolution is to stay clean and sober, one day at a time. Figure the one day thing can't be too hard, and seems to be working pretty well for me so far.

Got a new cliche for y'all, heard at an AA mtg this week: "Forgiveness is not a feeling." I thought that was really cool. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it's true. It's not a feeling, it's a decision. In order to deal with the depressions I've had to face, many of them having to do with my past (specifically issues with my father), I've been advised by counselors and friends that I had to learn to forgive him. Forgiveness, of course, being the very last thing I wanted to do for him. But I have learned, firsthand, that unforgiveness leads to bitterness, and bitterness leads to depression, and for someone with BP, depression can lead to suicidal thoughts and/or institutionalization. And that is no fun. Absolutely no fun. I know!

But...if we think of forgiveness in terms of a decision, and not a feeling, it goes more like this: I made a decision to forgive my father for the things he'd done to hurt me. I could do that, because I know he was/is a very sick man. I could do that, because thinking in terms of decision vs. feeling takes the emotion out of it, and I don't feel hurt, anger, sadness, or depression. And as long as I can keep the emotions/feelings out of it, I can forgive him. So I can decide to forgive him, because he was/is a very sick man. But I can also decide to have nothing to do with him, thus never giving him another chance to hurt me again. And I don't have to feel bad about that decision, because my emotions (like guilt) are not involved!

Anyway, I thought that was kinda cool, and wanted to pass it along to you, because anything that can help us in our battle with depression, no matter how cliche or small the input, to me is worthwhile sharing.

Have a happy 2006!
Love y'all,
Michele