Regarding Depression and Grief

Hey, y'all--

For those who are new to my blog, you may not know that my sister, who also had bipolar disorder, went off her meds and killed herself last April. I am still having a hard time about this, because she was my best friend and "the twin of my heart." I still miss her so much, and am still having a hard time with, as someone told me, "getting over it." I know about the 5 stages in the grief cycle. Problem is, no one can tell you how long it will take you to get through those five stages. It's different for everyone.

The first stage in the grief cycle is anger. Oh, yeah, I've been through that, all right! (still go through it). Mad at her for doing that to me, leaving me alone, etc. Mad that I don't know WHY she did it. Mad at God for letting it happen, etc. And then, past the anger, is always the depression, because I feel the loss so deeply, it's like someone stuck a knife in my heart. I feel like telling that person who said I just "need to get over it" to tell me that when they have lost someone they loved as much as I loved my sister!

Sometimes it's better than other times, just like all of us with BP--sometimes the mood swings are better than other times. Still, they seem to be there. Well, of course they are! We have a disorder that involves mood swings! With the right treatment, including the right medication, the disorder can be managed, and we can live a relatively normal life, but that doesn't mean we are ever "cured." Some days are better than other days. And for us, that's good. We learn to enjoy the good days, and just get through the bad days.

For those of us with BP, depression is something we have learned to live with. But coupled with grief, however, it can kinda blow us over like a palm tree in a Florida hurricane. So is there any encouragement we can find in that kind of situation? May be a small thing, but in light of everything I've said, I want to share with you something from one of my readings this morning that a woman wrote after the death of her son:

"I realize how lucky I am, not to have lost my son, but to have had him for as long as I did. I'm lucky to have known the importance of certain moments that catch your soul and may never come again."

For those of us with BP, there are some things we cannot control, like the fact that we will never be "cured" from this disorder. But there are some things we can control, and one of those things is our attitude towards our disorder and towards life, loss included. We can decide to take control of our BP, and not let it control us. We can have a positive and grateful attitude toward life, accepting that although we will still have depression at times, those times will pass, and will not rule our lives as they did before--that we can overcome depression, or at least learn how to manage it.

And we can accept that loss is a natural part of life, and the way we receive that loss will determine how hard it is on us--thinking about the quote above may help with that. Having a positive attitude in life, in general, will help in all the areas with which we struggle. Medication and therapy can only go so far. The rest is up to us.

Love,
Michele