Apology

Dear Friends,
Please forgive me for not posting for so long. My New Year's resolution is to do better, and I'm starting that early. Part of the reason I've been gone is the ECT--altho it went very well, I did have some memory problems, but that still was no excuse to be gone for this long, so I do apologize. I know y'all have been waiting to hear about it, so I'll tell you.

I ended up having 8 sessions of ECT, which is actually 2 more than a normal first course. By the time I had the course, I was basically suicidal, so I really needed the extra 2 sessions. My medication was failing, and I was on the highest dosage of all the medication you could take--just nothing was working. That's also part of the reason I had stopped posting on here, because I had nothing good to say, I was soooo depressed, and I'm not the type of person that passes that onto others, that whines or gripes or complains--I just get quiet and withdrawn. But I just go further and further down, into a black hole. In the past I've always been able to come out of it, but this time I just couldn't. No amount of positive self-talk, counseling, medication, encourage-ment from friends or loved ones, prayer, or anything else helped. So I just gave up. And then I became suicidal. And I knew I was in trouble. So I contacted my psychiatrist and told him what was going on, because I was desperate, and he said the only thing left was ECT.

This was the second time he had suggested ECT. The first time I refused, because of the awful memories of when my mom had it when I was 12 (I'm 47 now, you can do the math)--she didn't even remember her own children when she came home, among other things. And she has never been the same again. So the side effect of memory loss scared me to death, and I refused ECT the first time it was offered to me. But this time, I felt it was either ECT or death--my BPD had gotten that serious. And I was desperate. I was still reeling from my sister's death, and the finality of it, and the pain it caused me, and I didn't want to do that to my children, so I chose the ECT, even if there would be some memory loss.

I met with the ECT doctor and she explained the process of the ECT to me, and I was able to express my fear of the memory loss to her, and she told me that yes, although there would be some memory loss, it wouldn't be much, it would be short-term, and my memory would come back. She told the truth--it does come back--most of it, anyway, at least the important stuff.

It's been a strange kind of memory loss--mostly because of its unpredictability. My son gets impatient with me, because he has to tell me things more than once--for instance, he was on the computer, and I asked him what he was working on, and he said he was doing his project for school, and I said, "I didn't know you had a project for school," and he said, "Mom, I just told you yesterday that I did!" Things like that.

Here's a biggie--we went to my boyfriend's grandmother's house for Thanksgiving dinner, big affair, right? I have absolutely no recollection of it at all. None. I've tried to remember it, but I can't even remember going in the car, much less the event itself--eating, meeting his family, coming home--nothing at all. It's just the strangest feeling. And it frustrates me.

The other biggie is that, well, y'all know I'm involved with AA. Well, I'm on the Corrections committee, which helps bring AA meetings into the jails. The committee meets the first Thurs. of each month, and I'm the secretary. Well, I've got these written minutes of this month's meeting, but have no recollection of ever having been at the meeting at all! Again, it frustrates me.

But other than those two things, I can't think of any other bad episodes of memory loss. Of course, I may have forgotten what I've forgotten! LOL

The main thing I wanted to share, tho, is that in spite of the memory loss, I wish I had done the ECT long ago. The difference it has made in my life is like night and day. No, it hasn't cured my BPD, there is no cure--but I have peace in my life like never before, and things don't bother me like they did. The same problems may be there, but I have no anxiety over them. People are commenting over the changes in me, saying things like I am smiling all the time, I am soft-spoken now, where I wasn't before, I am positive, always have encouraging things to say, and the most important thing--I AM HAPPY! I really am.

I still have BPD. I will always have BPD. But now it does not have me! I have peace in my life instead of stress. I have solutions for my problems instead of anxiety over them. My medication is working. I sleep well. I have stopped crying all the time! And that is a miracle for me. Finally, I have come to terms with my sister's suicide. I still miss her, but it is not destroying my life. And I no longer think about suicide.

And here's the best news--after being best friends for 3 yrs, I have finally agreed to a relationship with Bill. See, I was always scared before. But after the ECT, I am not afraid to take a risk.

Wow! This has been a very long post--hope I haven't bored you. But I did want to catch you up on everything. If I've forgotten anything, just ask!

Much love,
Michele