ECT Blues

Hey, y'all--

I know I haven't written for so long, and for that I apologize. Every day I have thought to write, but every day I procrastinated to the next, until it was a long stretch. So many bad things happened in a row...plus having been in a manic cycle in my last writing, obviously as you all know from having BP, I crashed and burned into depression. Bad, bad depression. You know, the kind where getting out of bed is an effort, and getting dressed an accomplishment. A whole week of constant crying--why? what's wrong? my son would ask. My only answer, "Everything and nothing." Because I wish more than anyone else that I had an explanation for why I am so depressed.

Then last week, I was driving him to school, and we had a spat, and he said, angrily, "How do you think it feels to live with a mom who is constantly cycling?" (I am a rapid cycler) Oh my God, I thought, how awful it must be for Tyler to live with me. I hadn't realized how bad it/I was. So pile on the guilt and shame, and just coming off a manic, and I plunged deep...then deeper...

Until recently, I had been stable for so long, it hadn't been an issue. But then I started cycling again. The manic high is so high high, and I want to stay there (only when it is the elated kind, NOT the violent kind, and I have had both)...but the higher the high, the lower the low, and now I feel like if I were any lower, I would have to reach up to touch bottom.

I called my psychiatrist, because I was just so saddened by the fact that this medication, like ALL the others before it, seems to be failing. And I was doing so well, and for so long...but I had to tell my psych. That's our deal. When I start to have those "crazy thoughts" again, I call. He wanted me to go back into the hospital, but I refused, because I don't have anyone to watch Tyler. So we compromised, and he upped my meds and I am staying home, monitoring the results. There was a little change, at least I don't want to die today, and that's always a good thing :). And no more voices. So I'm not at the bottom, and I definitely am not at the top, but this in-between, this pergatory, feels like nothingness...like I'm one of the "walking dead." So as I preached to y'all, so I had to do for myself. I called my psych back and reported the results of upping the meds, and that it helped, but didn't work to bringing me out of the depression.

The only thing left to try for me is ECT. This is the second time he has wanted me to do this. This time, tho, I don't see that I have a choice. I mean, I know it is my choice, but it is the only one left to me, considering I have been on every BP med there is, and if this one, too, is failing, well... so I am wondering if any of y'all have had ECT, and what you can tell me about it. As far as what they are telling me about it, they say the only side effect is temporary memory loss. That kinda scares me. On the positive side, however, there are several things I WANT to forget! :)

At any rate, I will be writing more often, as I go through this, but right now I feel really alone, like no one has done this before, and no one knows how I feel. This is my last chance at being happy. Nothing else has helped my depression. And they can't keep upping my anti-depressant and/or my BP meds forever. It sure would be great to be happy. I wonder what that's like?

I hope I'm not alone in this,
Michele