One Single Puzzle Piece

Hey, y'all--

Please forgive me for my absence. I went in search of my mind. Unfortunately, all I found were bits and pieces. If any of you find it, I would appreciate its return.

Today I feel as if I've been putting together a 1000 piece puzzle, only to get to the end of it and find one single piece missing. And now I'm so frustrated, and I think, "All that effort, wasted!" One single piece can disrupt a whole, beautiful picture! One, tiny, single puzzle piece, in and of itself so insignificant... yet look at all the havoc it can cause.

Have you ever heard the expression "upsetting the apple cart"? It's kinda like that, I guess... what I've been going through the past couple weeks. My life was going along fine, I was happy, life was great, then...BOOM! It was like an explosion went off in my world and all of a sudden I was in an episode that I never saw coming, and I didn't even know what was what, or who I was any more. Everything was different, and I didn't know how to handle it.

And in the middle of it all, along comes a man who I thought was Prince Charming, who turned out to be nothing but a frog in a fake white outfit, but who managed in a two week period to steal my heart and my life. I can't blame him completely, tho--I'm the one who fell for all his lines (and, boy, some of 'em were pretty darn good!).

And I know I should've been sharing on here, but I guess I was like the ostrich in the sand--if I don't see it, well, it just doesn't exist. Yeah, right. Ain't that a great philosophy. And it accomplished exactly what you might think it would accomplish. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

But I did cry alot. And sit on my pity-pot. I even cussed a few times, which is really a big deal for me, because I try so hard not to get angry! None of those things helped either. So...seeing's as pretending that the problem didn't exist didn't help...and hiding from the problem didn't help...and being angry at the problem didn't help...I guess that that left only one thing--the very thing I absolutely did not want to do--FACE THE PROBLEM!!!!!

I just did not want to admit I had made yet another mistake. That, once again, I had to pick myself up and try again. I'm just so darned tired of doing that. Every time I think I'll know better for the next time, but I never do. Before this recent bout of BP cycling, I had been stable for over 2 years! And I have not been in a relationship in longer than that!! So how come I didn't see this coming? Where was the chip in my wall? That's what I've been asking myself.

I was at an AA meeting yesterday, and the topic was "becoming part of the solution instead of the problem." And I spoke up and said, "But that's where I struggle, because I AM the problem!!" So how do I do it? How do I change myself so that I start being the solution and not the problem? Especially since I've done so well hiding from myself for a lifetime? Ashamed of who I am, feeling like having bipolar makes me somehow "less than," or "not as good as," or defective somehow.

It's like being in a boxing ring with God. I lead with a right jab and pout, "It isn't fair." He counters with, "I never said life would be fair." I come back with, "But life's too hard!" And God says, "Cast all your cares upon Me, for My yoke is easy and My burden is light." My left hook to His jaw is accompanied with, "You don't know what I have to go through just to get through a single day!" He grabs my hand just as it is about to connect with His jaw, and pulls it to His heart, as He lovingly says to me, "I know what I had to to through just so you could have this day." I fall to my knees in tears, speechless...

And He raises me to my feet, lifts up my chin so that I can look into His face, radiant, peaceful, more loving than any love I have ever known, and He places a single puzzle piece in my hand.

God always answers prayer. Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes the answer is no. But sometimes the answer is WAIT. Wait until He puts the puzzle piece in your hand.

So maybe Prince Charming was a frog. At least it only took me 2 weeks to find out. At least it wasn't 2 months! So maybe I'll just have to keep on waiting some more until God brings my soulmate into my life. Waiting's not always so bad as long as it's waiting on God. At least I know I'm not alone, huh?

Blessings,
Michele