Bad Bipolar Day

Hey, y'all--
In the interests of honesty, I have to tell you about the day I had yesterday, because my last post was so upbeat and positive, and I didn't want y'all to think I was just oh so perfect and you aren't, or that I don't have the same struggles that you have or anything (yeah, right). Because yesterday it just plain sucked to be me. Sorry about the crudeness, but I just can't say it any better.

First I take Tyler with me to the car insurance place, as he's 15 and has his permit now, and they tell me on the phone the other day that he now has to be listed as a household member, but (and this is key, here) it WON'T cost me anything to do this. OK, so $270 and double my monthly premium later...well, you get the picture...mental images of the psych. hospital intake worker sugar-sweetly asking me, "Are you homocidal?" running through my head...my hands involuntarily moving up from my sides toward this woman's neck...

So now I find I have to follow my own advice about anger management before I end up in mental illness court myself, so I begin to deep breathe until I find the creature's (oops, excuse me, the insurance agent's) head return to normal size...and tell her that no way can I afford that money, that the agent over the phone had told me this would not cost me anything, etc. Ok, now this gets good...

Now the Geico commercial slogan starts going through my head (seriously!), and I ask her, "Am I being rated for anything?" (thinking of what I will have to tell Geico when I call them), and she tells me I am rated FOUR POINTS for accidents that happened on Jan. 2 and Jan. 9 of this year. I look at Tyler. He looks at me. We both look at the agent. And my head looks like one of those cartoon characters whose face turns red and inflates like a balloon and blows steam out its ears, as I say, "WHAT???" and I find out I have been rated and (over)charged for something that NEVER HAPPENED!!! Oh, and the best part is, this has been going on since I renewed my policy IN FEBRUARY!!!

So, you can imagine how, in my calm, cool, and collected way (NOT!) I straightened out the situation. Ok, this is what I really did--I did say to her (in a menacing tone, but calm), "This is what you are going to do. You are going to call your claims adjuster. And your claims adjuster is going to determine exactly how much I have overpaid from February until, and including today's payment in August. Then your claims adjuster is going to take that money and apply it to the $270 down payment on my son's insurance AND the increased monthly premium, as all of that should be covered. Then you will call me up this afternoon and tell me this has all been done. I will look forward to hearing from you later then." And I gave her a dirty look, stood up, and walked out.

Then we stopped to get Tyler his backpack for school. He had to get a clear, see-through backpack, a requirement in the high school (he is a junior this year). Well, $40 later...

And at that point, the depression hit. Because I looked in my wallet and found that I had a total of $40 left until my next disability check, with 2 whole weeks left in the month. And that $40 has to cover gas and food. And I can't let Tyler know we are that broke, because then he worries. So I have to keep up a good front. But all I want to do is cry, because I am the only parent he has, and I have no way to get more money, and I don't know how we are going to make it, and I feel so alone, and, well, you get the picture. But I can't show any fear in front of him, nor any depression, and certainly not any tears. So I have to stuff all this.

Oh, but the day just got so much better after that...(NOT!) I then had to wait 2 hours at Tyler's school in a line of 20 highschooler's (none of which had their mother with them) just to change one of Tyler's courses. Oh, but there was a counselor who could make "simple" changes right there in the hallway, but he told me this was not a simple change, so we had to wait for the other counselor. 2 hours later, I had had it. I went up to the "simple change" counselor, slapped Tyler's schedule down on the desk in front of him with my hand, causing him to look up, startled, and, using my insurance company's voice, said, "Ok, now, this IS going to be a simple change. You WILL drop my son's physical science course, and you WILL add his chemistry course." I think I may have intimidated him a little. Yeah, maybe just a little (ya think?). He took one look at me, and said, "Yes, I believe I can do that." And made the change.

And, true to form, the day continued to just get better and better, including a migraine, and other wonderful, enjoyable events of that kind. See? Like I said, yesterday it just sucked to be me. It's not that I have forsaken my "new lease on life" that I found because of the motorcycle accident last week, it's just the regular old "bipolar blues" (hey, what a great name for a song!)-- I have a tendency to forget that I myself suffer from the disorder. I enjoy sometimes long periods of stability, so that the depression sneaks up on me and cold-cocks me, sneaking up on me out of nowhere. But that's the nature of the beast. And, just like I tell y'all, I just have to wait it out. And hope and pray that the next day will be better.

So today is the next day. And I woke up. So, that in itself, makes this day better. Because for one thing, I didn't kill myself yesterday, and that's always a plus! I love the lyric from the old hymn that says, "STRENGTH FOR TODAY, BRIGHT HOPE FOR TOMORROW." I will let those words run through my head today and let that lift me up and sustain me. And I will remember that I am not alone. And that somehow I and my son will make it through this month financially, because somehow, we always do. I just have to have faith, and walk in the dark, one step at a time.