Even on the Worst Day...

Hey, y'all--
Please forgive me for not posting for so long. I really have no excuse but busy. But even that is no excuse, and I promise I will do better. I've been reading alot lately. Next to yard sales, it's my favorite thing to do. Really! I guess because before I was stabilized on medication I could never concentrate, was off the walls all the time, could never stay in one place for long, could never finish a project, and could definitely NOT read a book. If I did attempt it, I would find myself reading the same paragraph over and over, because I would notice that my mind had drifted (again). It was so frustrating! I hated that I wasn't able to read for so long. I mean, it was bad enough that the bipolar kicked my butt so bad in all the other areas of my life, and for so long, ya know? I think we all went thru that (or are going thru that right now).

I think the worst thing is the damaged relationships, don't you? Or at least that's tied for number one, right up there with the loss of your sanity! I used to kid around and say to people, "I've lost my mind. If you find it, please return it to me, as I've grown very fond of it, and would appreciate its return." I really did say that! And say it with a smile, I did. It took some of the sting out. But people still looked at me like I was crazy (which I was), trying to figure out if I was serious or not (which I was). Well, maybe I was only half-serious. But things sure were crazy for a while, back there in the beginning. So when I had to go thru the medication merry-go-round for two years, I hated having to give up, or struggle with, those things I loved most.

I didn't have any friends (I had pushed them away many years ago, if I ever had them to begin with), so I didn't have to worry about that. And, by then, things in my family were...well, let's just say...for lack of a better word...crazy? The only ones still talking to me were my mother and sister, and they both had bipolar, too! So, you can just imagine the conversations, can't you?

Anyway, it's ok to go back and think about how things were in the beginning, IF I use it to remind myself of how far I've come in my recovery. Any more than that, and I become sad, and that is dangerous, because with this dragon called bipolar, that waits patiently in the shadows, waiting for me to visit it, waiting for just that vulnerable time, for me to let down my guard... if I become depressed, even just your everyday, "normal", garden-variety, depression...well, I just can't let myself go there for very long. I just can't! Because I just won't let this disease get the best of me again. Like I said before, it really kicked my butt. And right now, I am the one doing the butt-kicking, and I want it to stay that way. So, I may let myself stay on the pity-pot for a little while, but not long. Too chancy for me.

So, I heard this quote, and I wanted to share it with you. "Even on the worst day, the sun will still set." I thought about it in relation to my recovery from substance abuse--that if I should want a drink or drug, and you know we say "One day at a time," well, for me at times in the past it was "one HOUR at a time," if that compulsion to drink or drug should ever return... well, I can just think of that quote, and if I can just (hour by hour, if necessary) get thru the day till it's time to go to bed, I will make it. At least thru this day. Tomorrow I'll worry about tomorrow.

But then I thought of that quote in relation to bipolar disorder. "Even on the worst day, the sun will still set." Especially with thoughts of suicide. Don't know about y'all, but when I am in an episode (not manic, but depressed, usually), I don't want to be suicidal, but the thoughts are still there. And sometimes it's all I can do just to get thru the day not doing it. Just not doing it today.

Sometimes just getting thru today is the best we can do. And that's ALL we can do. So what? There were times during my bipolar depressions that I didn't think I could even get thru the next 5 minutes without committing suicide! And I wanted to shout to the world, "Leave me alone! I didn't kill myself today, what more do you want from me!" Really, cuz they just couldn't understand how big a deal that was for me, ya know?

And I worked my way up from that. One day I actually made it from the bed to the couch. If I'da been able to bake, I'da made myself a cake to celebrate. I mean, that day was really a big deal. But not as big a deal as the day I was able to actually leave the house and go to the grocery store. Wow--what incredible progress!

So, maybe if we look back today, and see how far we've come with this disorder... we won't be so overwhelmed at how far we still have to go. Remember, we are survivors--we WILL make it thru this day. No matter what your thoughts are, you do NOT have to kill yourself TODAY--just TODAY. And always remember--you are not alone!

Michele