SUICIDE vs. SURVIVAL

Hey, y'all--

For those who are new to this blog, I'll just let you know the short of it: my sister Deb, the "twin of my heart", who also had bipolar, at age 44, this past April, off her meds, killed herself.

Her husband, Bill, who comments here at times, sent me a link to the website he started in her memory. I know none of you knew her, but I ask you to visit this site anyway. So many of us who struggle with bipolar must also struggle with agonizing thoughts of suicide. I know that I do, anyway. To the point, sometimes, that it scares me, because I don't know what I am capable of doing. When Deb killed herself, I didn't know what to think. I judged her, thinking I could never do that. But one day since then, in a deep and dark depression, and even ON my meds, I knew what she felt at that moment. I had those thoughts. I knew I could do it. And it scared me, thinking that I really must be crazy. I have lived with that "secret" since. Scared that I might have an episode where I might face that decision--the one my sister faced--and that I, too, would make the wrong decision.

This is what I wrote my brother-in-law after I visited the site:
"...when it opened with that picture of Deb, my heart literally skipped a beat...I couldn't breathe. I felt like someone punched me in the gut, and all air went out of me at once. I just didn't expect it, I guess. That one picture captured the very essence of who she was. Like she was still alive. And then I remembered...she's dead. And all of a sudden, I missed her so much all over again. What you wrote was so poignant. It was a beautiful testimony to her... but then you wrote, "SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION TO A HEALTHY MIND" That one line is the dividing line between mental illness and mental health. Remember we talked about, "How can a sick mind even know that it's sick?" That's the answer. A healthy mind would not even consider suicide. You answered a big question for me. A secret I have been carrying for some time. But now I know the answer. When my thoughts go to suicide, I will know it is my disease speaking, and not me. And I will know that I need help."

Please visit this site:
www.fordeb.com

Michele