Score: SUICIDE - 25, SURVIVAL - 75

Hey, y'all--

Most of you, if not all, know that besides BP, I am also a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I just got back from an AA meeting, and wanted to share with you something I heard:

This man had been in a horrible depression--so horrible, in fact, that at one point he could not get out of bed. He had been in bed for 5 days, staring at the ceiling, thinking about how awful his life was. On this day, his fifth, he was thinking, "What's the use? It's just not going to get any better."

He actually had an out-of-body experience, where he was taken to the top of a mountain. He was shown three views of beautiful clouds and mountains; to his right (25%); to his left (25%); and in front of him (25%). Then he was shown one view of absolutely dark, stormy clouds (25%). He understood it to mean that although 25% of his life was terrible--his PAST--what he had been so depressed about; the baggage he had brought into his present life; the things that were keeping him so depressed--75%, his PRESENT, everywhere he was able to look while standing in that spot without turning, was beautiful. So that it was his choice whether to enjoy what was right in front of him (75%), or to turn around and look at the past (25%).

Wow! What a thought. Especially since I have been stuck in this depression for so long that I am actually facing ECT next month. I have cried so much about my past--so much I wish I could change--so much guilt, remorse, and shame... and thinking my whole life has been so bad, I have never done anything right, everything I've done has turned to s---, etc. Basically everything we think when we are on our pity pots. But I never thought that in the great scheme of things (the old "forest through the trees), the past is really only 25%, while the present is 75%, and really, the present is all we have. We don't know if we will have tomorrow. All we have is today.

One day at a time. Just today. All I can do is my best today. Some days that best is just getting out of bed and actually getting dressed. Or making it from the bed to the couch. For me, especially, it is doing the dishes, since that is a sign to my son that I am headed for an episode (when I stop doing them).

Today I will try to enjoy the 75%. At least I will SURVIVE the 75% of today. And I will CHOOSE not to dwell on the 25% of yesterday. So, if you will, Score: Suicide-25, Survival-75.

Just for today, we are not alone. We will help each other survive.
Michele