Forgiveness is not a Feeling

Hey, y'all!

Hope you had a Happy New Year! I, of course, never even made it to the dropping of the ball, which is no surprise, since it's been more years than I can count since I did! 10:00 is about as late as I can stay up these days. So...anybody make any New Year's resolutions? I usually steer clear of that, as I do making promises, as I inevitably break them, so I just don't make them. So this year my only resolution is to stay clean and sober, one day at a time. Figure the one day thing can't be too hard, and seems to be working pretty well for me so far.

Got a new cliche for y'all, heard at an AA mtg this week: "Forgiveness is not a feeling." I thought that was really cool. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it's true. It's not a feeling, it's a decision. In order to deal with the depressions I've had to face, many of them having to do with my past (specifically issues with my father), I've been advised by counselors and friends that I had to learn to forgive him. Forgiveness, of course, being the very last thing I wanted to do for him. But I have learned, firsthand, that unforgiveness leads to bitterness, and bitterness leads to depression, and for someone with BP, depression can lead to suicidal thoughts and/or institutionalization. And that is no fun. Absolutely no fun. I know!

But...if we think of forgiveness in terms of a decision, and not a feeling, it goes more like this: I made a decision to forgive my father for the things he'd done to hurt me. I could do that, because I know he was/is a very sick man. I could do that, because thinking in terms of decision vs. feeling takes the emotion out of it, and I don't feel hurt, anger, sadness, or depression. And as long as I can keep the emotions/feelings out of it, I can forgive him. So I can decide to forgive him, because he was/is a very sick man. But I can also decide to have nothing to do with him, thus never giving him another chance to hurt me again. And I don't have to feel bad about that decision, because my emotions (like guilt) are not involved!

Anyway, I thought that was kinda cool, and wanted to pass it along to you, because anything that can help us in our battle with depression, no matter how cliche or small the input, to me is worthwhile sharing.

Have a happy 2006!
Love y'all,
Michele