Avoiding Confrontations with Bipolar Disorder

Hey, y'all --

Last night I had what could have been a confrontation with my teenage son (well, he's 19, but is back living at home, after 2 aborted tries at living on his own), but didn't, because of my bipolar disorder.

First of all, because I avoid confrontations like the plague. Second of all, I'm no good at them. And third of all, I have bipolar disorder, which means I have to avoid stress, or it could mean bad news for me (an extra pill I have to take to calm my nerves at the least, or a bipolar episode at the worst).

Or I guess I could even add a fourth of all -- I HATE confrontations! Nobody wins. Even if someone wins, nobody wins. There are bad feelings on both sides, no matter what.

So, to keep the peace, I just kept my mouth shut. Then I started feeling resentful toward my son. And I learned in AA that we can't afford resentments (and that is very true). So I had to do something about it, for my own sake. Because of course, my son wasn't going to do anything about it, like apologize or anything (him? No way!).

It was all over a laptop computer. I know, dumb, right? There's worse things to get stressed over. Alot worse things. But ours isn't working, and he's just a whiz with computers. And since we live on disability and can't afford to pay someone to get it fixed, we thought he could help us out to save us some money. Emphasis on "thought." I shouldn't have assumed anything, that was my mistake.

Well, it started with him needing my mouse and keyboard from my office computer. I was needing to do something important for work, which would have only taken 10 min. to do, so I told him I needed to do that first, then he could take all the time he needed. He says I told him to go ahead and take them. Now tell me, how do you misinterpret that? I walked away for a second (just a second, mind you) and the next thing I know, he's set up in the living room with MY keyboard, and MY mouse! And when I said something about it, he said I told him he could!

That's when I was faced with the FIRST confrontation. Should I or shouldn't I? I had to decide.

Ok, so I'm a chicken. I figured I better keep my mouth shut, just to keep the peace. But I still sat there, pouting and resentful.

Finally, I quietly said something to my husband about it, but my son overheard, threw down the keyboard and mouse in a fit, and stormed off with them, attaching them back to my office computer. Angrily he said something under his breath (obviously intending for me to hear, it wasn't that "under his breath") like, "You said you wanted my help, but you think THIS is more important," or something like that.

I did what I had to do for work, which really was that important. And it did only take about 10 or 15 min. But when I came out, my son was storming out the door (even tho he had seen that I was done), and wouldn't help with our laptop, making that obvious.

Second attempt at confrontation on his part. Second decision on my part. Should I or shouldn't I? Second time I chicken out. I HATE confrontations!!!

Especially with him. Even if I think I'm right, he always wins. He has this way of pushing my buttons that stress in small letters becomes STRESS in huge letters and upsets me and my bipolar disorder and, like I said earlier, I just can't afford that. So, just like always, I let him think he won.

So... he storms out. Now my husband and I are both aggravated. And our computer is still broken.

A few minutes later, though... hubby and I have let go of our resentments (not worth it), we're sitting quietly and contentedly watching TV, and our bipolar disorders are intact (thank you, Jesus!). A little later, we went peacefully to bed.

Now, I guarantee you, my son carried his unsatisfied confrontation with him. He is short-tempered and angry, as most teenagers are. He is probably still carrying that resentment with him. But you know what? Maybe he can afford to. I can't.

This has happened before, and will probably happen again. It has too -- we live in the same house. And, like I said, he is a teenager (why are they so angry, anyway?).

But here's the moral of the story:

Having bipolar disorder, I've had to learn to pick my fights. I can't afford the stress. I've decided it isn't worth it. I've learned to let go of all the things that used to push my buttons, that used to upset me, cause confrontations, cost me sleep, stayed in my mind and memory as deep resentments, etc. Some of these things even caused me to get depressed. And that depression led to bipolar episodes.

I don't want to have episodes. As you know, they are the most horrible things for us. So, like I said in the beginning, about how I avoid confrontations at all costs, I mean that for bipolar episodes, only a hundredfold!

I much prefer living peacefully. I cherish my serenity much more than winning a fight that I'll forget later. And someday, my son will appreciate our relationship (every mother's dream). And when he (finally) matures, maybe he won't find the need to confront people so much. At least I hope that for him.

Peace and serenity are just so much better, aren't they? And crucial for those of us with bipolar disorder. Don't you agree? I think I made the right decision.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Accepting Your Bipolar Disorder

Hey, y'all --

I had a nice, quiet weekend, how about you? Got to watch 3 old movies (I love old movies, especially Fred Astaire movies), and truly relax. It's hard to relax when you've got bipolar disorder. I mean truly relax.

It seems like we're on this constant vigil, always watching for signs and symptoms so we don't go into an episode. Like we're in a constant war, always watching the enemy.

I hate this disorder. I mean, I really hate this disorder when I'm in a mood like I am today. I want to be "normal." I know, I know, normally I'm so positive, and I preach at y'all to be positive, too. I'm not saying I'm not positive, I still am, at least about life, but I'm very much negative about bipolar disorder today.

It's not that anything specific happened, really. Just in one of those agitated moods that come from having the disorder itself. Sometimes I just get mad at the bipolar. Like it's something outside myself (something I would strangle if I could).

It's like natural enemies. Like, say, dogs and cats. Ever see them together? See the cat hiss at the dog and have its claws out, ready to fight? Yeah, picture that. That's kind of how I feel.

Like bipolar disorder is like this big dragon just preying on me, and I'm the damsel in distress. So where's my hero? My knight in shining armor? Who's going to rescue me from this big, bad dragon? No one. Because I carry this big dragon around inside me. 24/7. Always. Always have. Always will. For the rest of my life.

The good part is that this dragon can be controlled. I can hold it at bay. IF I take my medications. IF I see my psychiatrist and therapist regularly. IF I do all the things I need to do to take care of myself and manage my disorder.

But, God help me if I should slip up! This dragon will swoop in and take away my hard-earned stability faster than I can blink my eyes!

So I don't dare let down my guard. That's why I'm so mad at it today. Because some days I get tired of it. Some days I want to let down my guard and want not to have to try so hard. I want to be lazy, like "normal" people. I want to have a day off. But I don't dare! Do you?

We can't. We just can't. And that's just a fact of life when you have bipolar disorder.

I have to accept the fact that I have bipolar disorder. I have no choice. It isn't my fault, but there are things I can do about it. The biggest thing I can do about it is to NEVER give up the fight. To NEVER let the dragon win.

I have fought long and hard for my stability, and I'll be darned if I'm going to let anyone or anything (especially that dragon) steal it from me. I'm not even going to let myself stand in my own way.

Of course, I'm going to have days like today. I have to be realistic and realize that they're going to happen. I'm human. I have bipolar, and my moods are going to fluctuate. But anger is easier to handle than depression. I'll get over the anger. Actually, this kind of anger is healthy for me -- at least it's anger against the disorder, and not someone else. I can use this anger to keep the bipolar from controlling me, and I can keep controlling it, keeping it in its place.

It helps me to think of the disorder as something outside myself. To call it the dragon. It helps me to accept my bipolar disorder that way.

Whew! I feel alot better getting all that out. Thanks for listening!

What about you? How do you accept your bipolar disorder?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Balance and Bipolar Disorder

Hey, y'all --

I just got back from my physical therapist, and I think I'm in more pain now than before I went to see her! She's supposed to be getting my shoulder and arm back into "balance." But some days I'm not sure the pain is worth it, really. I just wish it were fixed.

I saw this episode of "House" the other night, and House's shoulder was hurting, too, and they were saying that it was all in his head, that it was because he was feeling guilty inside about something. Huh? Well, I assure you, I don't feel guilty about anything! This thing is purely physical (and I've been going to therapy for months to prove it to you!).

But it made me think of balance, anyway, something I want to talk about today.

I'm always saying you should take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in order to manage your bipolar disorder. In other words, you should be balanced. If anything is out of whack, you could go into an episode.

For example, let's just look at one thing--physically. I was so sick, and stayed sick for about 3 weeks. Usually, I take very good care of myself physically. But this "virus" (that's what they finally said it was, when I went to the ER, which usually translates as "we don't know what it is") just held on and held on and just wouldn't go away.

For a whole week there, I couldn't eat anything but ginger ale and crackers. Which led to my extreme dehydration and low blood pressure. I was just so weak that I couldn't think straight. And because I couldn't think straight, I made a mistake with my medication.

Because of that mistake in my medication, I was "borderline bipolar episode," according to my therapist and my psychiatrist's nurse.

See? My physical side was out of whack, and that affected me physically, mentally, and emotionally, and almost caused me to go into a bipolar episode. Very almost. Had we not caught it in time, I would have ended up back in the hospital.

Now let's take another example. Sleep is such a simple thing to let get out of control. A late night. A good movie to stay up and watch. A good book that you just can't put down. Then a couple nights of lost sleep. You don't even see it happening. But before you know it, your sleep schedule is off. Then it's really off. And you know what that can lead to? Yep. A manic episode. And you didn't see it coming! All because something in your world got out of balance!

We work very hard to learn to control our bipolar disorder. We build systems. We work at maintaining schedules and routines. We learn BALANCE! It's one of the biggest ways to de-stress our lives and manage our disorder. And it works!

But we have to balance so much -- not only ourselves (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually), but for those who are working, we have to balance home and work as well. For those in relationships or who are married, we have to balance our personal needs with those of our partners as well. For those with children, we have to add that into the balance equation as well.

Trying to keep our lives balanced can be overwhelming sometimes!

I don't mean to be funny (well, maybe just a little), but I kind of look at it like trying to balance a dinner plate at Thanksgiving. I don't know about you, but everything always looks so good that when I go to fill it up, something is always overflowing it! For me, it's usually the mashed potatoes falling over the side of the plate -- just can't get those things to set right! But, really, who can get a Thanksgiving dinner plate balanced just so? I sure can't!

So now try balancing a life filled with life responsibilities, home and personal responsibilities, work obligations and stressors, relationship or marriage, children, parents/siblings, friends, social life, church life, financial obligations (and/or pressures), health, sleep, etc. etc. etc. and it's an endless cycle, so endless that some people just can't handle it and they break.

Because when you add bipolar disorder into the mix above, if you can't find balance, if you don't find peace, all of life's stresses and anxiety will beat you down, and cause you to go into an episode.

Balance is CRUCIAL to managing your bipolar disorder and your emotional, physical, and spiritual health.

Balance is the key to beating this disorder. Balance is the key to stability.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Living On The Edge Of Insanity

Hey, y'all --

First of all, let me say that although I felt like I was taking a risk sharing about my near-bipolar episode in my last post, I appreciated so much the comments I received. I felt so much support, warmth, and unconditional love, as well as some good advice, and I wanted to thank you.

Today's blog, in fact, is in response to one of those posts. It made me think long and hard, and reminded me how true some things are about having bipolar disorder and, if not reminded about them, can be very dangerous for us.

For example, what happened to me recently. So close to a bipolar episode, and not even realizing it. And even my supporter (my husband) not seeing it, because it was being masked by my being so physically sick.

It took a truly insightfuly therapist and nurse to see objectively what was going on, and I'm grateful for that. I can see now how very important it is to have a good support system, not just one person on whom to depend. One person (including yourself) can miss something important, while other people can catch it.

Anyway, I hope this person doesn't mind my quoting her post, but I don't want anyone to miss her words, because they are so crucial, in my opinion.

She talked about lessons in disguise. She said, "The biggest lesson of all for me is how close I always am to either depression or manic, how fragile I am, how vulnerable I am, what a fine line there is between sanity and insanity so it is a vigil which cannot be ignored."

Wow. I haven't been able to stop thinking about those words ever since I read them. I am so convicted by them. I have taken my stability for granted, and I have to confess that. I guess that's why I was reminded of it these past few weeks. Like this woman said, "How close I always am to either depression or manic..." My mistake was that I forgot that. And forgetting that can be very dangerous to those of us with bipolar disorder.

I hate to think of myself as fragile. I like to think I have power over my bipolar. But I guess I never will, although I can manage it. I had learned in Alcoholics Anonymous that I have no power over my alcoholism in the very first step, and I accept that. So why is it so much harder to learn to accept that about my bipolar disorder?

I also learned that alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It always lies in wait. It doesn't matter if you've been sober for 5 minutes, 5 years, or 50 years. As soon as you start drinking again...it's on!

Well, that's how I see bipolar disorder. It NEVER lets its grip loose on you. If you stop taking your medications, stop going to therapy, stop following your treatment plan, stop doing the things you do that keep you stable...it's on! And the disorder will move in and start managing YOU instead of the other way around!

"...how vulnerable I am..." this woman posted. I always have to remember that. I kind of resented it when I read it at first, because remember, we're talking about ME here, the woman who has that big S tattooed on her chest? Little Miss Superwoman? But she is so right. I AM vulnerable when it comes to bipolar disorder. We all are. We can't let down our guard.

But here's what really got to me: "...what a fine line there is between sanity and insanity and so it is a vigil which cannot be ignored."

I have a coffee cup that says, "I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it!" I usually think it's funny. Not today. Not when I'm reminded of all the times I've been locked up, called crazy, labeled "insane," and even one time taken before a judge and thought I'd never be let out of the institution. It was one thing when I called myself insane - I thought it was funny. It was quite another thing when other people started taking it seriously. It scared me - what if they were right?

So yes, it truly is a fine line. Without medication, a fine line that my mind would cross. And that truly is a frightening thought. I have the type of bipolar disorder that involves hallucinations and delusions. So without medications, my mind does turn insane. It turns on me. It turns on others. It turns on itself. There's that fine line again between sanity and insanity.

But there is hope. If I were to live every day in this fear, I really would go insane. The hope is the "vigil which cannot be ignored." I don't have to keep vigil and live in fear. I have to keep vigil on the things I do to control my bipolar disorder. I have to keep vigil and make sure I take my medications (ALL of them!).

I have to keep vigil on that fine line between sanity and insanity. I HAVE to! Because I never want to go insane again. Sanity is too precious to me. And I never want to take it for granted again. It's a place you can go to and take a chance on never coming back from.

Thank God for bipolar support systems (and the people who love us unconditionally), and places we can go for help (like bipolarcentral.com, and this blog and the people who post on it). Thank God for doctors, psychiatrists and therapists. Thank God for medications that keep us stable. Thank God for sanity.

And thank God for God. Because without His grace, I wouldn't be here.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Up And Down And Back Again

Hey, y'all --

Well, I have something to confess. I know this blog is supposed to be about the ups and downs of being a survivor with bipolar disorder, but I've still found myself trying to the Superwoman of all bipolar survivors anyway. I try to write about the good stuff without ever writing about the bad, and I apologize for that. So here's my confession.

The past few days have been very hard for me. I've tried to be so strong for everyone else, including y'all, not letting anyone know what was really going on inside me. And what was really going on inside was that I was depressed.

There's been so much going wrong with all the people I cared about, and I was internalizing all their problems -- I just couldn't seem to let anything go. Work seemed to be such a pressure to me, even though I work for the best boss in the world, and it wasn't his fault. It wasn't that the assignments were too overwhelming for me, it was just that I was feeling overwhelmed by everything.

I was crying at the drop of a hat, and I just couldn't understand why my emotions were so out of control. ME? I thought. Me, who's always so strong. Me, who's not only strong for myself, but for everyone else as well. Me, who doesn't let anything get to her. Me, who hands out advice like candy, but doesn't let other people's problems get inside her except to pray for them.

Yes, ME. I've been so physically sick for over 2 weeks, ending up in the ER, as I think I told you. I blamed it all on the physical exhaustion of being sick. I was just so tired, I thought. But never attributed it to depression. I NEVER get depressed, I thought.

2 days ago, I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. Over everything. Over nothing. I got the news that my cousin's son, who has bipolar disorder, was unmedicated, had started on alcohol and drugs, had crashed his car, and died. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I started crying, and couldn't seem to stop.

My husband was there, and he was so comforting. The perfect supporter. He said all the right things, without babying me. He told me to go back to work, because when I'm working, I'm fine. I'm able to shut everything else out, and just get into my "zone." I put away all my emotions, and just threw myself into my work. And it worked.

Then yesterday, I went to see my therapist. The minute I walked into her office, I broke down in tears. She asked me what I was crying about, and I told her everything I've told you. I just told her I needed a safe place to cry. I just needed a good cry.

She knew this wasn't like me, and asked me what was different. To make an already too long story shorter, she asked about my illness and about my medication. Suddenly I realized that somehow, I had stopped taking one of medications without even realizing it, sometime during the time that I was sick. And this was a REAL important medication for the depressive side of my bipolar disorder.

She told me to call my psychiatrist as soon as I got home, which I did. I talked to the nurse, who told me to call the pharmacist. I did, and the pharmacy tech told me the prescription had never been filled! Somehow, there had been an error in the filling of this medication, believe it or not.

Anyway, I got the medication filled, took last night's and this morning's dose, and I can already feel the difference. I know medication isn't supposed to work that fast normally, but I remember when I first went on it, it worked from the first day on, so I'm not surprised.

I don't feel depressed today, and I no longer feel like crying. I have more energy than I've had in the three days before it, and I'm encouraged that this was the problem all along.

It just makes me mad at myself, though, that although I preach it to everyone else to always check your medications, I didn't practice what I preach. Well, you better believe this girl is going to do that from now on!

Well, I hope y'all are doing well with your own bipolar disorder. Don't make the same mistake that I did. Learn from mine. And always call your psychiatrist if you feel "off" in any way, like I did.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Don't Get Overwhelmed By Others

Hey, y'all --

Well, I have to tell you -- life being a person with bipolar disorder can get pretty complicated sometimes. Whether it gets complicated for us, or whether we make it complicated for ourselves, I'm not sure.

But today just feels like one of those complicated days. Like everything is going wrong. Not necessarily in my life, but in everyone's around me.

I hate to sound so cold, but here's the deal. I have enough problems of my own without worrying about everyone else's. But here's the problem. I DO worry about everyone else's, because I care so much about everyone else. Maybe too much, I don't know.

Sometimes I think I worry about their problems more than my own. Too busy playing Superwoman, too busy trying to be strong for everyone else.

So much of that that I drove myself into a state of exhaustion and ended up in the ER last week. I just can't keep doing this, but I just can't help myself, either.

The thing is, tho, that I do know it isn't good for my bipolar disorder, so something has to change.

There are things that overwhelm us just naturally by our bipolar alone. Then there are things that just overwhelm us by life, just like people who don't even have the disorder. And like I said earlier, things that come upon us, and things we bring upon ourselves.

But if we are going to stay stable, we have to take control over the things that overwhelm us, or they are definitely going to take control over us.

Like take for instance my best friends. Something terrible is happening in their lives right now of a physical nature. My heart absolutely bleeds for them. But I am helpless to do anything about it but to pray for them and to be there if they need a friend to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. Not that I'm saying that prayer is a small thing -- it certainly is not. I've seen miracles happen (and I'm praying for one in this instance).

But I've been so heartbroken over this, cried off and on about it all morning, and for what? Over something I can do absolutely nothing about. I practically made myself sick over it. And do you think my friends would want that? No, they wouldn't. They would want me taking care of myself, not stressing myself out, and taking care of my bipolar disorder so that I stay stable, and not get overwhelmed on their account.

There are things we can control, and then there are things over which we have absolutely no control whatsoever. Those are the things we have to turn over to God and trust the outcome to Him.

We can care about our friends and family. We can care about their problems. But we can't hurt TOO much for them, or that will overwhelm us to the point that our own stability is in jeopardy.

And they wouldn't want that for us, any more than we should want that for ourselves.

So I told my friend that I'm there for her, and that I would pray for them. Then I talked to my husband (my supporter) about the situation which was upsetting me horribly. I cried like a baby. But my husband told me to "let it go," because I couldn't do anything about it.

Now, I'm a stubborn woman. (Aren't many of us with bipolar disorder?) I held onto it for a little while longer. But eventually I realized that what my husband said was true and for my benefit, and because he loves me, and also because he has bipolar himself.

I had to let it go. There's nothing I can do. Because if I didn't let it go, it would hurt me and my stability. And these things always have a way of working themselves out without our interference anyway.

Anyway, I wish you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Back to Bipolar Normal

Hey, y'all --

Sorry I missed my last post, but I've been sick all week -- ended up in the ER with severe dehydration and blood pressure of 88/64. Not so great, huh? And I just thought I had the drasted flu that just wouldn't go away! Anyway, I'm on the mend now, and back with y'all (and the rest of the world).

Well, it's back to bipolar normal now. Holidays over, new year to face, and optimism toward the future. I didn't get off to a great start, being sick and all, but that hasn't changed my optimism. Hey, it could've been worse, right? It could've been a bipolar episode instead of just dehydration.

So, things are pretty much back to normal around here. Which pretty much means nothing much to say.

Sometimes I think those are the best times of all. When things are just going along like they should. No high highs... no low lows. And definitely no rollercoaster ride. I read a saying one time that said, "If you like rollercoasters, you'll LOVE bipolar disorder!" (hey, I think I made that up! or maybe I didn't). Anyway, I thought it was hilarious. But seriously, I remember in the beginning, it sure did feel like I was on one. It took a long time for me to be stable.

So for me to be grateful now for just a "bipolar normal" day is saying alot.

Remember those beginning days? Oh gosh, it was hard. The initial diagnosis, just taking that in. The joy of finally knowing what was wrong with me was replaced by the horror of, "Oh my God, now what do I do?"

And then, of course (self-centered person thatI was) I thought that I was the only person in the world who felt like I did. Back then, I didn't know that a place like bipolarcentral.com even existed, much less that there were others out there with the same disorder and same feelings that I was going through. And I didn't even know what a blog was, and there was no blog like this for me to go to.

And then from the doctor to the psychiatrist to the therapist. I went through several therapists. Kind of like going from zero to 60 in about 5 seconds. Either they didn't like me or I didn't like them. Or my insurance wouldn't cover them. Or I'd get one, then she'd get pregnant. Or I'd get another, and then she'd be overloaded and couldn't see me. Or she'd have to leave for whatever reason. Then I finally found one and she left and the new one could only see me once a month. Once a month? At that time, I needed one once a DAY! I thought I was going totally insane.

Then I found one that I totally related to, and I stayed with her for three years. But then I got the news -- she was dropping me because "I just don't feel like I can take you any further." What kind of an excuse is that? I felt like saying. There was plenty more I had to tell her! But I felt abandoned.

Next I got a therapist who was fine for the first few months at once a week, then every other week, then only once a month (her scheduling), then she took on another therapist's load (the other therapist got pregnant), and couldn't see me but every 2 months. Guess what? Time to go therapist shopping again!

Well, I went into a manic episode during this time (told you I needed a therapist once a week!) and ended up in the hospital, and upon discharge, they recommended the therapist I still have. And, let me tell you, if I had had her all along, I'd probably be completely, totally, and perfectly SANE! (of course, I think we all have a little insanity in us, bipolar or not). But she is the most wonderful therapist, and the perfect therapist for me. And she sees me every week, with no end in sight. Not that I'm grateful for that manic episode, because if I hadn't had it, I wouldn't have the therapist I have now. See? God has a way of turning even the worst things around for good.

My psychiatrist I've had for over 4 (maybe 5) years now, and I couldn't have handpicked one better. He really manages my medications the best for me.

It was horrible in the beginning, though. I had doctors that, I swear, I must have had the words "guinea pig" stamped onto my side or something, because they tried everything on me (at least once). Always changing doses, always changing medications and combinations of medications. And this went on for a two-year period! And it seemed like every time my medication was changed, they had to put me in the hospital to do it (nothing but fun for me).

But finally my medication stabilized, and so did I.

So it's been a "fun" ride, but I'm stable now, and totally, totally grateful for it.

Well, for not having much to say today, I sure said a mouthful!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Hey, y'all --

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Well, it's New Year's Day, and I'm feeling very optimistic about this coming year. I had a great birthday yesterday, despite having the stomach bug, and I've never had a good birthday before, so I'm looking at it as a sign for good things to come.

Emotionally, I'm feeling very stable, which is great compared to last year at this time (another good sign). Work is going good, and life is great in general. Bill is doing good, and I couldn't ask for a greater supporter, friend, soulmate, or husband. My sons are healthy and (I think) happy.

I know it's going to be a good year. I have to have a positive attitude, because what's the alternative (I don't want to think about that). As people with bipolar disorder, we have to think positive, because thinking negatively can cause us to become depressed, and you know what that leads to... yep -- another depressive episode. And I will avoid that at all costs.

Even my mom, who has bipolar disorder, too, is doing well with hers right now. Many people with the disorder have a hard time at this time of the year because of the holidays and all the stress and anxiety that come with it. Along with (depending on which part of the country you live in) the gloomy weather, which isn't good for those with the disorder.

But still, I think whether you stay stable or not has a lot to do with your attitude. Last year at this time I had a very bad attitude. I think that's why I was so depressed. Having decided to cancel Christmas was a very bad decision (which we do from time to time -- make bad decisions, that is). And I paid for it dearly. Seldom do we get a chance for a "do-over," as my children used to say when they were young.

This year I got a "do-over," and it paid off. I did things so differently, and had a great holiday season. But it took work, and a positive attitude.

So does my bipolar attitude. And that's something I have to work at every single day. It's not all a bed of roses for me, as I'm sure it isn't for you, either. There are times it's hard for us to even get out of bed to face the day, isn't it? But we have to, to take control of our disorder instead of it taking control of us.

And that's the name of the game. WE have to be in control of our bipolar disorder instead of the other way around. And if you're not doing that yet, then make that your New Year's resolution. Plan to make this coming year the time to take the dragon by its tail and learn to take total control and management of your disorder.

If you're not stable now, then plan that this year you will be! Look at me -- last year at this time I wasn't stable, but this year I am. Like I said, it took work, and it wasn't easy. But this year I am much more stable than I was last year. And if I can do it, so can you!

If you're depressed because you didn't have a good holiday season, do something about it. Change your attitude! Don't dwell on the past (even the recent past). You can't do anything to change it. And don't worry about tomorrow, because it isn't here yet. Today is all you've got to work with. And it's up to you whether you make today a good day or a bad day.

Even if it is your chemically affected brain that's got you in the doldrums, you can still do things to make it better. Try to do something you enjoy. Me, I'm not much for doing outdoors things that take a lot of exercise (you might be the opposite) -- I enjoy watching DVD's, reading and doing crossword puzzles. A good chick flick will get me out of a depression most of the time. But if you do like doing things like skiing or snowboarding or just going outside and playing with the kids, then that might do alot to help you with your depression.

I like to watch movies and read because then I get out of my own head (a place I should never go without parental supervision! :)), and it gets me thinking about someone else. But you don't have to watch movies or read to do that. You can do something else. Like talk to someone else, about your problems or theirs. Sometimes listening to someone else's problems makes you feel as if your own aren't so bad after all. And having someone else to talk to about yours can really take a load off your own shoulders. It makes you feel as if you're not so alone after all. If you don't have anyone else to talk to, you can always talk to me! :)

I have this book called "14,000 Things to be Happy About," and it's got so many good suggestions in it. Most of them are the small things in life. If you're depressed, sit down and start making a "Gratitude List." Just start brainstorming all the things you're grateful for in your life -- even the small things. Start by being grateful for the fact that you're alive! Then add the fact that you're not in an episode (that's no small thing!). Then go on from there. Do you have children? Are they healthy? Do you have brothers or sisters? Are they still alive? What about your parents? Your home? A car? Food to eat? There are so many things to be grateful for in this life, that God has given us free of charge! So count your blessings, and pretty soon you'll have a list longer than you'd ever have thought you would.

This is a new year. A brand new start. If last year was a good year for you, then this coming year will be even better! And if last year was a struggle for you, then be optimistic about this coming year -- it's got to be better than last year, right?

Well, here's to wishing all of you a very Happy New Year, and peace and stability in the coming year.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele