Happy Thanksgiving!

Hey, y'all --

Well, tomorrow's Thanksgiving, and for some of us with bipolar disorder, it's not always an easy time. For myself, well, I remember 3 Thanksgivings ago, when I was in the middle of a course of ECT (shock treatments), and I still don't remember that day at all, and today I am thankful for my stability.

But on Thanksgiving, we go to my husband's grandmother's house, where all my husband's family gathers for the day. Since both my husband and I have bipolar, it isn't easy for us. We both feel overwhelmed and anxious, so we can only stay for a couple hours. But we know this, so we're prepared in advance.

We know all the kids will be there, which is a trigger for us, so we go to the furthest place away from them that we can, and we stay there. It's also easier for us, because we can maintain the smallest amount of conversation we have to with anyone else as well.

See, we're used to our small world at home. It's comfortable and safe for us here. It's a place where we can maintain our stability. Maybe someone else might look at us and accuse us of hiding, but we don't look at it that way. There is peace and serenity here. And very little stress (which is another bipolar trigger). We enjoy being with each other, and we're not bored.

When we have to be around a bunch of people, like at the holidays, stress becomes greater, and we have to watch ourselves. That's why we keep the contact down to a minimum (like only a couple of hours), and basically stay in a corner by ourselves, or only around his mom, or a couple people we feel safe with.

These are just some of the coping mechanisms that we've developed over the years that have gotten us through the holidays. But we've learned this the hard way, because we have gone through years when it wasn't so easy.

I remember the first year I had to go to Bill's grandma's house for a holiday meal and I wasn't prepared for all the noise, and I got overwhelmed and ran into the closest bedroom and had an anxiety attack. I couldn't come out of that bedroom until Bill calmed me down and finally persuaded me that he would take me home if I would just come out of that room. He made our apologies and took me home.

Then the year of ECT, well, I was just so out of it. One of his cousins just talked and talked and talked at me, and I mean AT me the whole time. All I did was stare back at her. I had nothing to say. I felt like a cornered animal.

See, for some people holiday times are happy times. And Thanksgiving truly is a time for thanks-giving. But for others, it's a really stressful time. And it's hard for family to understand that.

But there's that other side of the coin that we have to understand, too. Our families love us. Just the way we are. They want us to be part of family celebrations just because. Just because we're, well, just because we're part of the family. And they don't have any expectations that we're going to be perfect (we're the ones with those expectations). They'll understand if you have to leave early because you feel overwhelmed. They'll just be glad for any time that you can spend with them. So don't avoid them just because you're embarrassed about your bipolar disorder. Do the best you can with it, and they'll understand. They're your family, and they love you.

This year we're going to Mamaw's. Kids and all. We're not going to stay long. We never do. And we're going more for Mamaw's sake than ours. If we had our way, we'd stay home in our nice, peaceful, safe home. But they're family. And it's only two hours -- we can spare that to put a smile on a few faces. And besides, if we feel overwhelmed after only an hour, we can always leave. That's our choice.

So anyway, I just wanted to share these thoughts with you. If you are stable and healthy, be very, very thankful for that. And pray for those who aren't.

If you are struggling with your bipolar right now, be thankful that at least you aren't in the hospital and can read this right now. There is always something to be thankful about, even if it's only the small things. You are alive. You have a chance for stability -- recovery IS possible. And you have this place to come to, where you know you're not alone, at Thanksgiving, as always.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I wish you peace and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Perfectionism and Bipolar Disorder

Hey, y'all --

I am the ultimate perfectionist. Yes, me. I even got a fortune cookie one time that said, "You have a yearning for perfection," do you believe that?" Even Confusius knows it!

But it's a real battle for me. I expect things from myself that I would never expect from anyone else, and it really messes with my bipolar disorder, because, well, no one's perfect, and no one can live with that kind of stress.

So I was talking to someone about it lately, and they told me, "It's ok to strive for perfection, as long as you don't expect to arrive at perfection."

It's ok to make mistakes. That's what I've been learning. If you don't learn that, you'll be bound up in fear (which is also bad for our bipolar disorder).

In one of the devotionals I read every morning, I read, "We are willing to make mistakes and to stumble, provided we are always stumbling forward. We are not so interested in what we are as in what we are becoming. We are on the way, not at the goal. And we will be on the way as long as we live."

I really like that. I try to be so perfect with my writing. But when I saw this, it was like it gave me permission to make mistakes, to not always expect such perfection from myself or my writing.

And that it's ok to stumble, as long as we're always stumbling forward. Too many of us think that if we stumble, we fail. And then we don't get up. We get depressed. And then the next thing you know, we're in a bipolar depressive episode.

Well, I am hereby giving you permission to not be perfect, to make mistakes, and to stumble, as long as you stumble forward, just as that permission was given to me.

Whew – that was such a load off my back, when I read that!

I especially love the line that says, "We are not so interested in what we are as in what we are becoming."

In that strive for perfection, I was always trying to be something I'm not. Trying to be the "perfect Michele." But this past week I realized I am already the "perfect Michele," because I am the way God made me. Now, that doesn't mean I can't stop growing. Sure, I need a few tweaks here and there – we all do – because I can't stop growing.

But we need to accept ourselves as God accepts us – just the way we are.

Then we can accept the line from the reading that says, "We are on the way, not at the goal. And we will be on the way as long as we live."

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

My Husband Had a Bipolar Episode

Hey, y'all --

My husband went into a bipolar episode yesterday, and I had no choice but to take him to the hospital. Sometimes I forget that not only do I have bipolar disorder, but so does he. I also forget that, as a supporter, I'm supposed to be watching for signs and symptoms in him, but I swear, I never saw this coming. Or maybe I did, but I just explained it away as other things. He just kept telling me he was fine, and I guess I just wanted to believe it so bad...

I didn't want to believe that my wonderful husband, my best friend, my soulmate, MY supporter, was having a bipolar episode of his own.

At first, I just felt lost, helpless, and very, very sacred, both for him and for me. I just didn't know what to do.

When I tried to talk to him about it that morning, I could tell he was no longer rational. He told me, "Why don't you just take your work to the library? This isn't Disneyland, you know." Then I knew he was truly in a deep bipolar episode, and I wasn't going to able to bring him out of it at home, or by myself. We needed help.

I realized then that I'm not God, or a psychiatrist, or a therapist. That no matter how much I loved him, love just wasn't going to be enough.

So I called his therapist, and she agreed that I should take him to the hospital. And I called his psychiatrist and left a message that he was in a bipolar episode and that I was taking him to the hospital. I made a list of my husband's symptoms that I had noticed over the past 3 days and a list of his medications with dosages and when he was supposed to take them, while I had him pack some clothes to take with him.

Then I took the lists, the clothes, and my husband to the hospital.

On the way there, he would alternate between agreeing it was the right thing to do and knowing he was in an episode...to being like a scared little boy, wondering what we were doing. So much so that, while at first I may have doubted my decision, I knew then that it was assuredly the right thing to do. My husband was sick, and he needed help.

The questions he was asked at the hospital only compounded his confusion further, and his diagnosis was confirmed. My husband was definitely in a bipolar episode.

I know he's in a safe place now. He'll get the sleep he needs (it turns out he was only sleeping 2-3 hours a night), and they'll adjust his medication so he can get better and come home soon.

I know, because when I had my last bipolar episode, that's where he took me.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Bipolar Disorder and Coming Out of Our Shells

Hey, y'all --

This past weekend I finally came out from hiding behind this keyboard in my home and took a risk, coming out of my comfortable shell, driving to Chattanooga, and attending a weekend workshop sponsored by NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness) to learn how to be a presenter for the In Our Own Voice program.

Wow. What an incredible weekend! The purpose was to learn how to tell our own story about mental illness, so then we could present it to other people (groups, consumers, civic organizations, etc.). But I never could have anticipated what it was really all about...

How could I possibly describe to you the feeling of being around so many other people just like me, who have been through the same suffering and pain, hiding behind closed doors, thinking that no one else would ever understand?

I met other people who not only had bipolar disorder, but other disorders along with it. And they've survived to tell the tale. They were such an inspiration to me!

One of the trainers has a website at: www.everyminute.org, about suicide, and I would recommend that every one of you check it out. It will blow your socks off, I'm telling you!

When I first got there, I was scared to death. I had no idea what to expect. But then, neither did anyone else, so I guess there was unity right from the start, because we were all in the same boat!

But as the weekend went on, it was like we were all brothers and sisters in the same family, which is what we were -- we all suffer from mental illness.

We learned how to tell our own stories as, the program says, "In Our Own Voice."

I would highly recommend that any of you that are interested in learning more about this program contact Lisa Corbin at Nami TN (if you're in TN), or NAMI nationally for more information. No matter how scared you are about telling your story, we all need to put a face on mental illness, so others can know that they're not alone.

I grew so much this past weekend. I thought I didn't have anything to say. Now I know that I do. People need to know that they're not the only ones struggling with their disorders. They need to know that recovery IS a possibility for them! And they need to know that there is HOPE most of all.

I remember when I thought there was no hope for me at all. Now look at me.

After 5 attempts at suicide, 5 failed marriages, countless jobs, 10 mental illnesses, and not just a broken brain, but a broken life...

I'm now full of life, happily married to a wonderful man who loves me very much, I've been writing for www.bipolarcentral.com for 3-1/2 yrs. now, I am stable from all my mental illnesses, and my life is so successful, productive, and happy... and I would never, ever think of killing myself again -- I have SO much to live for now!

And if I can do it, with so much going against me, you can too!

That's the message I have for you today. That recovery is possible. And it is possible for you. No matter how bad things look right now, they can get better. If it happened for me, it can happen for you, too.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Alone with My Bipolar

Hey, y'all --

Do you ever feel like that? Like you and your bipolar disorder are off alone in your own little corner of the world and nobody knows, and even if they did, they wouldn't understand?

I was reminded of the expression the other day that "only an alcoholic can understand another alcoholic." Well, I think it's the same for us, too. Only someone with bipolar disorder can understand someone else with bipolar disorder.

Sometimes I think no one reads these ramblings of mine. I went back and read my posts from way back in 2005, where I had 45 posts in reply. Now I get 0. It gets discouraging, ya know? I feel so alone.

But I keep going, because the original intent (and still my heart's hope) is that if I can only help one person out there who is struggling with their bipolar disorder, then I've done some good.

And who am I to complain, anyway? Me, with the attitude and advice that, "No matter how bad you've got it, someone else has it worse"? Me, the originator of the ultimate positive attitude.

Well, I hate to say it, but I get down, too. I'm not perfect. Sometimes I feel pressured. Sometimes I wonder where this big S on my chest came from. And you know who put it there? I DID! Somewhere I got the idea that I could save the world of bipolar with my witty words and advice and personal experience that other people could relate to. But ya know what?

I'm no superwoman. And advice is just advice. Everyone has their own. All I can do is share my experience, strength, and hope with you and hope that something I say, something from my heart touches something in one of yours, and it helps you to get through one more day. Then I think I've done some good.

Because I remember when I was first diagnosed -- I felt so, so alone. I felt crazy. Really crazy. Bipolar disorder. Well, at least someone finally gave me a name for my insanity! In a funny way, it actually made me happy. But I still struggled so much. And it didn't take away my pain just to have a diagnosis, either. I still hurt so badly.

At that time, there wasn't a blog like this that I could go to where someone shared the ups and downs of living with bipolar disorder. So that's why I decided to start this one. So please tell me you're out there. Please tell me I'm not alone.

There are so many people struggling with this disorder. So many people who don't have others that care about them. Many don't even have supporters or family who can help them get through this, and I feel so sad for them.

I've checked out other blogs, and they're just like the person's diary. I don't like that (oh, gosh, is that a terrible thing to say?). I don't want to read about someone else's problems. I want to learn what to do about mine. I mean, I don't want to sound selfish or anything, but I've found out some things since I started this blog. I've learned some lessons along the way.

I've tried to pass them along to you. I've made mistakes, and I've tried to keep you from making them. I've learned what works and what doesn't work, and I've tried to teach you. I've tried to extend my hand and hoped that you'd extend yours in return.

I have the love of God to share, and hoped that you do, too. I miss that. I miss the sharing that we had back then.

I miss how people used to help other people on this blog. There was SO much of that, remember? I talked about it as a family, each person helping the other -- I just kind of stood on the sidelines a lot of the time. I mean, a family as big as 45 sometimes? That's a pretty big family!

But now I wonder where everyone's gone.

It's like my grown children. When my boys were little, I used to think, "I can't wait till they grow up." Well, now they're grown up and I hardly ever see them, and I miss them. I wish I could see them more. And I regret my words that I said when they were little. The time went so fast!

So...the moral of the story is... no witty words today. No preaching. No fancy comments. No wise words of advice.

Just words from my heart. I'm lonely here all by myself. I hope you're out there listening. And I wish you'd talk back. I wish you'd tell me how you're feeling. And some of the things you're dealing with. And if they're the same things I'm dealing with, too. Then maybe we can all talk about them again, like we used to.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Stop Caring What Other People Think of You

Hey, y'all --

I've really struggled in the past with caring too much about what other people think of me, and I know some of you have, too.

Until one day I had a conversation with someone and they told me, "That's none of your business."

I was really taken aback.

"What?" I asked.

"What other people think of you." The person said. "It's none of your business."

I had to think about that, because I sure didn't get it at first.

How could it be none of my business? It sure WAS my business what other people thought of me! It sure DID matter whether they liked me or not!

Especially because I had/have bipolar disorder.

It's like because you have this "hidden handicap," you are "emotionally handicapped" as well.

I mean, other people are concerned about what people think about them as well, but it seems that we are overly concerned just because we have bipolar disorder. Like it makes us different from them somehow.

Now, I won't get up on my soapbox (not in this post, anyway) about how we ARE different, but in good ways, more creative, etc...

But that person is right. It really is none of my business what other people think of me. Whether they like me or not has nothing to do with whether I'm a good person or not. I should be a good person DESPITE what other people think of me!

We need to stop caring what other people think of us and just be ourselves!

Just be who we are, and let people think what they want to think. It really is none of our business what people think of us (negative or positive), and we're just wasting precious energy trying to please other people when we could be using our energy to help the people who need our help, to love the people who do appreciate us for who we are.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Spirituality and Bipolar Disorder

Hey, y'all --

I had someone ask me yesterday if I am a Christian. And I was almost embarrassed to answer, because I don't feel as if I've been a very good one lately. I mean, I wrote those daily devotionals for people with BP and all, but that doesn't make me a good Christian. Those are just works. They're not representative of my faith.

And right now I'm struggling with my faith. I seem to want to do things my way instead of God's way, when it's supposed to be the opposite. It's like taking something to the altar, leaving it there, then two steps away from the altar, there it is again in my hands. Now God didn't put it back there, I did, right?

I have faith. I know I do. But I also have fear. And right now I'm praying for God's direction on something very important having to do with my writing. I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision, and that fear has me paralyzed.

I'm so good at giving advice to other people, but so bad at it myself, know what I mean?

Well, the Bible says, "If any man lack wisdom, let him ask of God." So that's what I did.

And here's the answer I got: "I do not have the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

I first learned that scripture when I was really struggling with my bipolar disorder and my spirituality. I thought, "If God loved me, He would just heal my bipolar." But then I found that scripture.

And it told me that God HAS given me a SOUND MIND! It doesn't mean that I don't stuggle with the symptoms of BP from time to time just like y'all do, but I can think about that scripture, and it's like a positive affirmation, and it really does help.

But anyway, back to my fear. Ohhhh...yeah....I get it (thanks, God!)! I can use that same scripture on my fear! "I do not have the spirit of fear..."

Wow. Isn't God great?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Physical Just as Important w/Bipolar Disorder

Hey, ya'll --

I've been having a real bad time of it lately physically.

I had an MRI done on my neck and it showed bone spurs and decreased spinal fluid. I don't know what all the doctor-speak means, all I know is I have incredible pain in my arm and it hurts whenever I move it certain ways. I mean excuciating pain sometimes! My husband says I even cry out in my sleep from this.

Now, I have no idea what this problem has to do with pain in my arm, but my doctor thinks it's a pinched nerve in my neck.

I've already had 2 steroid shots into my arm and a shot into my neck, both of which didn't work, so now I'm in physical therapy for it.

The physical therapy was working for awhile, but now it's become painful.

I know they say it hurts before it becomes better, but now I'm getting real frustrated.

The pain was getting better! Then last session she added another exercise that was really painful for me, and I'm supposed to do this exercise 4 times a day (which I've done), and it seems like I'm worse again.

I don't mean to complain, but to bring up a point.

If we don't take care of ourselves physically, it can affect our bipolar disorder.

Right now I'm only frustrated. But if I start to get depressed because of all the pain, or if I don't do anything about it (I'm going to have a talk with the therapist today), I'd get more depressed, and more depression can lead into a bipolar episode.

The bottom line here is, if you didn't have the disorder, you'd go to the doctor if you didn't feel good, right? You wouldn't expect it to get better on its own.

If you had the flu, you'd take medicine to make you feel better.

Well, just like you take care of yourself physically, you have to take care of yourself emotionally as well.

Bipolar disorder isn't going to go away on its own. It's not going to get "fixed" on its own.

Like going to the doctor if you don't feel well physically, if you don't "feel well" emotionally, if you feel "off," or not like yourself, you need to call your psychiatrist to find out what's going on.

That's at least as important, if not more.

And you have to be proactive about it, just like I'm being proactive about the pain in my arm by having a talk with the therapist today (and, if that isn't successful, I'll have a talk with my referring doctor about it).

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele