Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Alone with My Bipolar

Hey, y'all --

Do you ever feel like that? Like you and your bipolar disorder are off alone in your own little corner of the world and nobody knows, and even if they did, they wouldn't understand?

I was reminded of the expression the other day that "only an alcoholic can understand another alcoholic." Well, I think it's the same for us, too. Only someone with bipolar disorder can understand someone else with bipolar disorder.

Sometimes I think no one reads these ramblings of mine. I went back and read my posts from way back in 2005, where I had 45 posts in reply. Now I get 0. It gets discouraging, ya know? I feel so alone.

But I keep going, because the original intent (and still my heart's hope) is that if I can only help one person out there who is struggling with their bipolar disorder, then I've done some good.

And who am I to complain, anyway? Me, with the attitude and advice that, "No matter how bad you've got it, someone else has it worse"? Me, the originator of the ultimate positive attitude.

Well, I hate to say it, but I get down, too. I'm not perfect. Sometimes I feel pressured. Sometimes I wonder where this big S on my chest came from. And you know who put it there? I DID! Somewhere I got the idea that I could save the world of bipolar with my witty words and advice and personal experience that other people could relate to. But ya know what?

I'm no superwoman. And advice is just advice. Everyone has their own. All I can do is share my experience, strength, and hope with you and hope that something I say, something from my heart touches something in one of yours, and it helps you to get through one more day. Then I think I've done some good.

Because I remember when I was first diagnosed -- I felt so, so alone. I felt crazy. Really crazy. Bipolar disorder. Well, at least someone finally gave me a name for my insanity! In a funny way, it actually made me happy. But I still struggled so much. And it didn't take away my pain just to have a diagnosis, either. I still hurt so badly.

At that time, there wasn't a blog like this that I could go to where someone shared the ups and downs of living with bipolar disorder. So that's why I decided to start this one. So please tell me you're out there. Please tell me I'm not alone.

There are so many people struggling with this disorder. So many people who don't have others that care about them. Many don't even have supporters or family who can help them get through this, and I feel so sad for them.

I've checked out other blogs, and they're just like the person's diary. I don't like that (oh, gosh, is that a terrible thing to say?). I don't want to read about someone else's problems. I want to learn what to do about mine. I mean, I don't want to sound selfish or anything, but I've found out some things since I started this blog. I've learned some lessons along the way.

I've tried to pass them along to you. I've made mistakes, and I've tried to keep you from making them. I've learned what works and what doesn't work, and I've tried to teach you. I've tried to extend my hand and hoped that you'd extend yours in return.

I have the love of God to share, and hoped that you do, too. I miss that. I miss the sharing that we had back then.

I miss how people used to help other people on this blog. There was SO much of that, remember? I talked about it as a family, each person helping the other -- I just kind of stood on the sidelines a lot of the time. I mean, a family as big as 45 sometimes? That's a pretty big family!

But now I wonder where everyone's gone.

It's like my grown children. When my boys were little, I used to think, "I can't wait till they grow up." Well, now they're grown up and I hardly ever see them, and I miss them. I wish I could see them more. And I regret my words that I said when they were little. The time went so fast!

So...the moral of the story is... no witty words today. No preaching. No fancy comments. No wise words of advice.

Just words from my heart. I'm lonely here all by myself. I hope you're out there listening. And I wish you'd talk back. I wish you'd tell me how you're feeling. And some of the things you're dealing with. And if they're the same things I'm dealing with, too. Then maybe we can all talk about them again, like we used to.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele