Just Coasting...

Hey, y'all--

I think I'm convinced that it's the Lamictal that's been giving me this new energy and focus. Along with working out. I've just been feeling so good! And no, I'm not manic! :)

I'm just coasting... one day at a time, right? Well, this is a good day. Yesterday was a good day, too. That's the best I can do. We just can't let ourselves think about tomorrow until we're there. For people who have bipolar disorder, worrying about the next day before it's even here is like giving our brains free license to keep thinking rapid thoughts all night long and keeping us up! And that's no good for managing our disorder.

I know, because that's one of my biggest battles -- shutting down my thoughts. It's funny, too, because when I switched from the regular Seroquel to the Seroquel XR, I had racing thoughts again and trouble falling asleep. I was ok once I fell asleep, but had trouble falling asleep. Then, I had trouble getting up in the morning. So groggy! But now I'm back on regular Seroquel, and everything is fine again. Wouldn't you think there wouldn't be a problem? Or that the XR would be better because of the extended release part?

Have any of you had this problem? If you have, let me know.

Anyway, I'm going to go. I have a date with a cushy couch and a snuggly cover, watching a good DVD. It's practically snowing outside. My favorite kind of day!

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Getting Better All the Time

Hey, y'all --

Well, as predicted, the next day after my last post did, in fact, get better. It just always happens that way (unless I'm in an episode or on a string of bad days).

Yesterday I had the most incredible day. If I didn't know better, I'd swear I was in a manic episode! I kept thinking to myself, "So THIS is what energy feels like!"

Honestly, it really has been so long since I've had anything even resembling energy that yesterday was such a different and surprising thing for me. But pleasant!

I ran from the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep, but with energy abounding. And it was all good! I was worried I was in a manic episode, but someone told me I wasn't talking fast or alot, so I was ok. That's like my main symptom, so I believe them.

Now, today, well, that's a different story. I guess somehow maybe I used up 2 day's worth of energy in one day, and today I'm paying for it!

Still... I'm still getting better all the time. Have to believe it. Gotta stay positive. I AM going to win this war with bipolar disorder.

You know, when I was first getting off drugs and alcohol, there was a point when I wanted to give up -- a point where I was so weak and overwhelmed that I didn't think I could do it... but I did it anyway. There was a concept that helped me called "ACT AS IF..."

Whenever I would feel like I just described, like I couldn't make it... I would think, "ACT AS IF... I've already made it." It got me through some pretty rough times.

Try this principle for yourself. When your bipolar disorder seems to get the better of you, tell yourself, "ACT AS IF I'm going to get the better of my bipolar disorder. I'm going to make it!"
or any other positive statement. IT WORKS!

Then write and tell me about it.

Remember, God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Weekend Hopes

Hey, y'all --

Well, here it is the weekend, and I made it through another week. I sure hope things change for me soon. I sure would love to be excited about the day instead of having this hope for just "getting through it."

I've been talking to my therapist about it -- about why can't I be happy? Because even if I do get close to "happy," I (and other people) are too quick to call it mania. See what I mean? I can't be happy, because in the BP world, happiness translates to mania. And then they start watching you (no, I'm not being paranoid).

Boy, I sure would love to be normal. In love (which I am)...clean and sober (which I am)...enjoying life (which I'm not)...financially secure (which I'm not)...and happy (which I'm not). I wonder if one thing has to do with the other. Of course, I know the answer to my own question.

I do the right things to keep me sober, sane, and stable. Sometimes I even achieve serenity. And that's great. And sometimes I can even believe my own hype! :)

I am so good at encouraging others. Now I just need to encourage myself.

I've been keeping a bipolar mood chart (recommend this for everyone -- you can get one f.r.e.e. at www.moodchart.org) and have had to chart mild depression for the last 4 or 5 days. To me, that's like admitting a weakness. It's like saying that the disorder is defeating me, and that just sticks in my craw.

A long time ago I made a pact (with myself, my doctors, and my family) that I would NOT let this disorder get the best of me. And I will NOT. I swear, I will NOT. It may look like it is at the moment, but remember what I said yesterday, I may lose the battle, but I will NOT lose the war!!!!

Besides, tomorrow is always better. Today is just a temporary thing, and it too shall pass.

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

No Meds, No Happy

Hey, y'all --

Remember the ole, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy?"

Well, that pretty much describes me today about my meds. First, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today at 2:15 pm. So I get a call this morning that he was cancelling. Now if *I* were to cancel the morning of an appt., I would be penalized, right? But it's ok for HIM to do it! The worst part is that this is my 3-month get all new prescriptions written appointment. So, no psychiatrist, no scripts!

OH...it gets worse...

Now, I call his office and leave a message that I'm out of meds.

I wait several hours, call the pharmacy... NO MEDS!

I call the doc's office back... have to leave another message. Check this out -- the receptionist starts crying on MY shoulder, telling me that the nurses are all busy, and they are one short, etc., etc. LIKE I CARE!!! So I very softly (cuz otherwise she would know my wrath!) explain to her that if I do not get my meds called in THIS AFTERNOON... I will have NO MEDICATIONS FOR TONIGHT!!! (meaning, of course, no sleep for me!) So she says she will leave a message for the nurses.

We all know what THAT means, right? It goes in the same bin with this morning's messages, which obviously still aren't answered.

Now you've got to understand my impending crisis (I know you do)-- it is now after 3:30 pm. They will close at 4:30. They are short-staffed. The doctor is NOT THERE!!! I need my bipolar meds. One of them is a sleep med -- without it I DO NOT SLEEP!

So what do all good bipolars do when they are facing an impending crisis? I DON'T KNOW!!!

I am so inside my own stress tornado that I forgot the answer to my own question!!! Wait -- yes I do... PANIC!!!!!!!

Believe me, I have counseled/coached so many people with bipolar disorder over this very thing... have helped so many over this stress-hump so many times... yet when it comes to me... I just lose it! How awful is that? It's like a "physician heal thyself" type of situation.

I wish I had a super-hero, so I could ask myself, "What would [insert super-hero here] do?"

Well, actually, I do have a What would Jesus do? mentality, but I'm not so sure even Jesus would hold his temper in this situation, considering what He did in the temple to the "den of thieves"! :) (ok, so you got a little smile out of me, which is good considering the situation).

Ok, so it's 3:45. Wow. A whole 8 minutes have passed. What am I going to do with the remaining 45 minutes? Do you really think the nurse will come through for me? Or will I get back on here at 2 in the morning complaining that I can't sleep?

Hmmm.... (as my mom used to say) we shall see what we shall see...

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

So frustrated!

Hey, y'all --

Today is just one of those "ahhh!!!!" days -- I am so overwhelmed, and so frustrated!

The problem is, there just aren't enough hours in the day. Yeah, I know you've heard that one before. But the reason it's so frustrating for someone with bipolar disorder is that when we finally do go to sleep, our minds are unwilling participants! They just won't shut down, and then we become further frustrated, and it goes in a cycle, on and on, and then we can't sleep, either. Frustrated, not enough hours in the day, go to bed still frustrated, mind won't shut off, further frustrated, can't sleep, even further frustrated, really can't sleep, more frustration...

And that's when you have to be really, really careful, because an episode is right around the corner. And that's what I hate, because it's not like I'm asking for this or anything! It's not like I WANT to be this way, ya know? It's not like I CHOSE to be this way.

I wish I could just shut down. The best I've been able to come up with is to have a pad of paper at my bedside and as I come up with thoughts or ideas I write them on the pad and then I can let go of them, knowing they'll be there in the morning. But then, of course, there are new ideas and thoughts to take their place!

Where will this stop? When will this end? Luckily, I do go through long periods of stability, where this doesn't happen, but when it does, I get so frustrated it's like one of those "kick the dog" situations. I just want to strike out at the first person who says the wrong thing to me at the wrong time. Then I wonder if that isn't the "irritability" of a manic episode. See how you can drive yourself crazy with this bipolar stuff sometimes?

Some days I just want to shut it ALL off. I just want to be normal. But then, who knows what normal is, anyway? I don't think I"ve ever been normal. Most of the time, when I observe other people, I don't want to be normal, if it means being like them!

Oh well, I'll just mark today a slightly depressed, slightly anxious day in my mood chart, and let it go. Hopefully let it go. And hope I can sleep. "To sleep...perchance to dream..."

And pray that tomorrow is better than today, as we always do when we have a bad bipolar day.

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

The 10/2 Equation

Hey, yall--

I had made a comment to Dave one time about something I called the 10/2 Equation that I used with my kids when they were little, when I was teaching them about what kind of kids to hang around with (and which kids NOT to). He put it on his blog, and you wouldn't believe how many responses he got to it!

So here it is: THE 10/2 EQUATION: (Regarding negative people) If you are a 10 and they are a 2, and you hang around with them, you will not bring them up to an 8, they will bring you down to a 4.

It's just that simple. But what our conversation, and his subsequent blog, was about, was how it can be applied to bipolar disorder, and that's pretty clear -- just as violence begets violence, so does negative attract negative. And since I'm always preaching at y'all about being positive, you can see why I would want you to apply the 10/2 Equation to yourself.

It has to do with surrounding yourself with positive people. Again, simple. If you surround yourself with negative people, you yourself will become a negative person. Now, don't you be offended, some of you, but I'm not into all that New Age stuff, so I'm not into auras and the like, but I do know when I can sense whether a person is a negative person or a positive one. Sometimes it's as simple as whether they have a smile on their face or not!

The point is, sometimes we give our supporters a harder time than we need to, because we can tend to get very negative. I know we don't mean to. It's just that sometimes, it's hard to be us. Well, I guess maybe I should just talk about me, and not assume you're like me. So, sorry about that.

Ok, *I* tend to get negative sometimes. Replace negative with depressed, and you've got me to a tee. And I really don't want to be that way. So it's one of the things I'm in the process of changing about myself. Because I love my supporter (my husband) very much, and I want to make him happy. And also because I do NOT want to be a burden on him!

So I try to be positive every time I can. This usually means that every time I have a negative thought cross my mind, I consciously replace it with a positive one. And that just takes practice.

And here's a warning for you: Thinking like, "Well, things could be worse," *sounds* at first like positive thinking, but don't be fooled. It is still not positive thinking, because it keeps you like a gerbil in a wheel -- it doesn't get you anywhere. There is no room for action there. It doesn't change anything. It does nothing to further you in your goal to be more positive. See what I mean?

So instead, you need to turn it around. And the easiest (and first) way to do that is to examine who you are letting closest to you. This may hurt a little at first. If, say, your mother always seems to bring you down every time you talk to her, then that is the 10/2 Equation in practice. So since you can't (and wouldn't want to) cut her completely out of your life, you have to limit how/when you talk to her. Wait until you are feeling the most positive, so there will be the least negative response.

As for obviously negative people in your life that you CAN "delete" from your life, DO IT! And do it as soon as possible. You will almost immediately notice a change in your life. Again, if I did subscribe to a New Age way of thinking, I would say that your aura would immediately change, as soon as you got that negative force out of your life.

The point is, without a negative influence constantly surrounding you, you can be the positive, successful person you were meant to be, bipolar or not!

Ok, now for the downside -- since I can hear some of you already saying, "Yeah, but..."

"Yeah, but... I live with someone who has bipolar disorder, and even tho I try to be positive, they are negative all the time!" I get that answer a lot.

Remember the expression "Slow and steady wins the race?" The more consistent you are, the more you change yourself, the more likely they are to change. Just don't feed into their negativity. I'm not saying for you to ignore their complaining... just to not reinforce it.

When they start complaining (usually about the same thing), just get up and walk away (and expect an immediate response!!!). Then just tell them that altho you love them very much, their negativity is making you sick (emotionally), and you just can't do that any more. Tell them that you need them to at least TRY to be more positive (translated: to be less critical and complain less).

So that's my challenge. Try it, and let me know what happens.

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele