So frustrated!

Hey, y'all --

Today is just one of those "ahhh!!!!" days -- I am so overwhelmed, and so frustrated!

The problem is, there just aren't enough hours in the day. Yeah, I know you've heard that one before. But the reason it's so frustrating for someone with bipolar disorder is that when we finally do go to sleep, our minds are unwilling participants! They just won't shut down, and then we become further frustrated, and it goes in a cycle, on and on, and then we can't sleep, either. Frustrated, not enough hours in the day, go to bed still frustrated, mind won't shut off, further frustrated, can't sleep, even further frustrated, really can't sleep, more frustration...

And that's when you have to be really, really careful, because an episode is right around the corner. And that's what I hate, because it's not like I'm asking for this or anything! It's not like I WANT to be this way, ya know? It's not like I CHOSE to be this way.

I wish I could just shut down. The best I've been able to come up with is to have a pad of paper at my bedside and as I come up with thoughts or ideas I write them on the pad and then I can let go of them, knowing they'll be there in the morning. But then, of course, there are new ideas and thoughts to take their place!

Where will this stop? When will this end? Luckily, I do go through long periods of stability, where this doesn't happen, but when it does, I get so frustrated it's like one of those "kick the dog" situations. I just want to strike out at the first person who says the wrong thing to me at the wrong time. Then I wonder if that isn't the "irritability" of a manic episode. See how you can drive yourself crazy with this bipolar stuff sometimes?

Some days I just want to shut it ALL off. I just want to be normal. But then, who knows what normal is, anyway? I don't think I"ve ever been normal. Most of the time, when I observe other people, I don't want to be normal, if it means being like them!

Oh well, I'll just mark today a slightly depressed, slightly anxious day in my mood chart, and let it go. Hopefully let it go. And hope I can sleep. "To sleep...perchance to dream..."

And pray that tomorrow is better than today, as we always do when we have a bad bipolar day.

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele