Getting Better All the Time

Hey, yall --

Today I've got that old Beatle's song on my brain, just going over and over, "It's getting better all the time..." Dare I even hope? But I've been off the antidepressants now for 3 days, and it feels like the depression is lifting, at least a little bit. Of course, it may just be positive thinking, but hey--whatever works, right? I get so down that I'm like a drowning person willing to grab onto any life preserver!

I've been working with my therapist on this "Why can't I be happy" thing. I have everything in the world to be happy about, yet I'm still unhappy. So what's up with that? is what I ask her. I got this book called "Why am I still Depressed?" by Jim Phelps, M.D. Boy, does that describe me.

I mean, I can function fully, high-functioning, actually. I am very happily married, have 3 great sons, love my job... everything's great. Well, except for the fact that I feel fat and ugly half the time. Ok, I lied. Most of the time. But doesn't half the women's population of the world? I'm 30 lbs overweight, but most of the time, I don't feel like exercising. Does anyone, tho? I mean, I have these great intentions, but what I usually say about it is, as far as joining a gym: "Here's my money, you'll never see me again!" I try, but I never succeed. I start off great, but then my interest fades away, or it's too far to drive, or I do it at home but then eventually stop doing it there, too. Oh gosh, listen to me -- can I get any more dramatically depressing??? Ok, time for new subject.

I'm trying to be more positive. If I had any New Years resolution at all (which I try not to do, because I never keep them), it would be that I would try to be more positive. But it is SO hard for someone with bipolar disorder to be more positive, when we have so little control over our emotions/mood swings. I was just writing about this lately -- our medications give us more control than we have without them, that's a fact. But they only go so far. We get more control over our emotions/mood swings through therapy, that's another fact. Then why do we still get depressed even when we're doing everything right??????

This is the only answer I've found. Bipolar disorder is not just a mood disorder in the mentally ill sense, but also in the physical sense. It is a chemical disorder of the brain, involving nerve synapses. And sometimes these nerve synapses just fire off on their own, with no trigger at all. So sometimes we are subject to that, without any provocation on our part. And we have no control over that. Most importantly, it is NOT our fault! Unfortunately, tho, we are the ones who still suffer for it.

At times like that, when I boil it down to - it's just a bad bipolar day, meaning it's just the chemicals firing off, not my fault - I just have to accept it, and try to get thru the day the very best I can. And sometimes "the very best I can" means that I just don't make it worse. Sometimes the best I can means I just make it through the day. And, usually, the next day is a little better.

Sometimes that's all we can do -- just wait out the bad days, and hope for better days. And that's ok. ("It's getting better all the time...") :)

Rememer God loves you and so do I!
Michele