Cancelling Christmas

Hey, y'all--

Well, just like the title says, I'm thinking about cancelling Christmas this year. Well, not the whole thing, and certainly not the true meaning behind Christmas. Just all the commercialism of it, and the whole decorating and gift giving part and all. We decided just to give each of the kids a gift card from WalMart. And not to buy a tree (I think), and to save that money, and probably not even putting up stockings or the "It's a Wonderful Life" village this year.

I'm just so overwhelmed by all the pressure of it all this year. I had a craft show to do, which is how I always make my Christmas money, but the show seemed to come up so fast, and I didn't get anything done, and the show is tomorrow! So I cancelled out of the show -- the first time in 10 yrs! I just couldn't do it. But it was a real lesson in stress management and in letting go of things.

Yep -- a real lesson in a lot of things. Like having to be in control. That was me. Miss Control. But I really don't think you can be that much in control and also have BP. Of course, I'm sure some of you would disagree with me on that, but let me finish. I would'nt let anything control me. Or anyone. That's who I was. And I went to great lengths to be that person.

Including alcohol and drugs, which I truly think was to mask my (undiagnosed) bipolar disorder. I just could not let anyone or anything have control over me. I never realized that I was actually doing the opposite! Until I finally ended up in the institution for the first time, diagnosed with BP. Then into treatment for alcoholism and drug addiction.

So, as many of you know, the first step in any 12-Step program teaches us how NOT in control we are! And, by that time, I really knew it. But since then (going on 5 yrs ago), I still forget who's in charge -- and that it ain't me! My husband says, "I'm glad there's a God, and it ain't me!" But like I said, sometimes I still forget that I'm not in control, and that it's OK that I'm not in control. It was trying to be in control all the time that got me where I was.

Now I'm on the right medications, I have a good treatment plan, my BP is stable, my life is wonderful, I'm married to a fantastic husband (who also has BP), I have 3 beautiful sons (25, 23, and 18 tomorrow!), I'm relatively healthy, I have a home and a car that gets me from point A to point B, and even a dog who loves me! A simple life now. A wonderful life now.

So I choose my simple life in which I DON'T have to be in charge over my old life where I felt like I HAD to be in charge any day!

So, if cancelling Christmas because it's too stressful for me this year is what I have to do to remain peaceful and to keep my simple life, and to NOT have a BP episode, then that's what I'll have to do, because it's just not worth the other option.

I'll still celebrate the real meaning of Christmas anyway, and that has nothing to do with trees and lights and other decorations! :)

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele