Feeling Sad

Hey, y'all--

Well, a really good friend of mine died yesterday, and I'm feeling sad about it. But I saw my therapist, and she said that's a good thing. Imagine that! Seriously, she did -- because I'm not depressed! She said at least I'm acknowledging the difference between sad (which is a normal healthy response) and depressed (which is not a good place for me to be).

But then today I went to get my hair cut, and the woman who cuts my hair (same woman who always cuts it) asked me what's wrong, because she said I'm not my "normal bubbly self." I told her about my very good friend dying yesterday, and that must be it. But ya know, it's 2 days now. Sad should go faster than depression, don't you think?

I guess I'm just kinda paranoid -- I'm always on the lookout, scared of falling into another depression, because depression equals bipolar depressive episode, and we don't want that happening, now, do we? This "sad" thing, now that's a new thing for me -- I mean, the "sad being a healthy thing" idea.

Ok, so how do I "health-ily" get through it? Because I don't really like the way I'm feeling. It sure would be nice to be over this. See, I used to not let anyone get close to me at all -- that way, no one gets close, I don't have to feel, I don't get hurt. See how that works? Now, things are different, thanks to my therapist. Now, I am supposedly emotionally healthy -- translate: I let people get close to me, I care about them, i.e., I risk being hurt. She says it's healthy. I say it's scary. Who likes getting hurt?

But, hey, look at the alternative. I was in my late 40's before I actually started caring about people, I guess. That's alot of loneliness. Now I have a wonderful husband who loves me very much, and who also has BP, so he can truly understand what I go thru on a daily basis, and even understand ME! which is a hard thing in itself. But God love him, how he tries.

So I'm not lonely any more. And I do care. And yes, I risk being hurt. Like when Joe died yesterday. It hurt like hell, I won't kid you. It hurts even more today, if you can believe that. But what if I didn't care? What if I was still the automaton I used to be? Going around with this big wall around myself, thinking that if I don't care about anyone then I can't get hurt. Well, let me tell you -- I still got hurt plenty.

This way, I have joy in my life. A wonderful husband, a wonderful marriage, a wonderful life, great kids who love me, and I love them and can finally express that. I couldn't ask for a more blessed life.

So even tho I'm sad over Joe's death, I'm happy about a whole lot of other things. And it doesn't have to be such totally extreme moods these days -- it can be just normal emotions. And that is good news.

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele