Weekend Hopes

Hey, y'all --

Well, here it is the weekend, and I made it through another week. I sure hope things change for me soon. I sure would love to be excited about the day instead of having this hope for just "getting through it."

I've been talking to my therapist about it -- about why can't I be happy? Because even if I do get close to "happy," I (and other people) are too quick to call it mania. See what I mean? I can't be happy, because in the BP world, happiness translates to mania. And then they start watching you (no, I'm not being paranoid).

Boy, I sure would love to be normal. In love (which I am)...clean and sober (which I am)...enjoying life (which I'm not)...financially secure (which I'm not)...and happy (which I'm not). I wonder if one thing has to do with the other. Of course, I know the answer to my own question.

I do the right things to keep me sober, sane, and stable. Sometimes I even achieve serenity. And that's great. And sometimes I can even believe my own hype! :)

I am so good at encouraging others. Now I just need to encourage myself.

I've been keeping a bipolar mood chart (recommend this for everyone -- you can get one f.r.e.e. at www.moodchart.org) and have had to chart mild depression for the last 4 or 5 days. To me, that's like admitting a weakness. It's like saying that the disorder is defeating me, and that just sticks in my craw.

A long time ago I made a pact (with myself, my doctors, and my family) that I would NOT let this disorder get the best of me. And I will NOT. I swear, I will NOT. It may look like it is at the moment, but remember what I said yesterday, I may lose the battle, but I will NOT lose the war!!!!

Besides, tomorrow is always better. Today is just a temporary thing, and it too shall pass.

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele