Cancelling Christmas

Hey, y'all--

Well, just like the title says, I'm thinking about cancelling Christmas this year. Well, not the whole thing, and certainly not the true meaning behind Christmas. Just all the commercialism of it, and the whole decorating and gift giving part and all. We decided just to give each of the kids a gift card from WalMart. And not to buy a tree (I think), and to save that money, and probably not even putting up stockings or the "It's a Wonderful Life" village this year.

I'm just so overwhelmed by all the pressure of it all this year. I had a craft show to do, which is how I always make my Christmas money, but the show seemed to come up so fast, and I didn't get anything done, and the show is tomorrow! So I cancelled out of the show -- the first time in 10 yrs! I just couldn't do it. But it was a real lesson in stress management and in letting go of things.

Yep -- a real lesson in a lot of things. Like having to be in control. That was me. Miss Control. But I really don't think you can be that much in control and also have BP. Of course, I'm sure some of you would disagree with me on that, but let me finish. I would'nt let anything control me. Or anyone. That's who I was. And I went to great lengths to be that person.

Including alcohol and drugs, which I truly think was to mask my (undiagnosed) bipolar disorder. I just could not let anyone or anything have control over me. I never realized that I was actually doing the opposite! Until I finally ended up in the institution for the first time, diagnosed with BP. Then into treatment for alcoholism and drug addiction.

So, as many of you know, the first step in any 12-Step program teaches us how NOT in control we are! And, by that time, I really knew it. But since then (going on 5 yrs ago), I still forget who's in charge -- and that it ain't me! My husband says, "I'm glad there's a God, and it ain't me!" But like I said, sometimes I still forget that I'm not in control, and that it's OK that I'm not in control. It was trying to be in control all the time that got me where I was.

Now I'm on the right medications, I have a good treatment plan, my BP is stable, my life is wonderful, I'm married to a fantastic husband (who also has BP), I have 3 beautiful sons (25, 23, and 18 tomorrow!), I'm relatively healthy, I have a home and a car that gets me from point A to point B, and even a dog who loves me! A simple life now. A wonderful life now.

So I choose my simple life in which I DON'T have to be in charge over my old life where I felt like I HAD to be in charge any day!

So, if cancelling Christmas because it's too stressful for me this year is what I have to do to remain peaceful and to keep my simple life, and to NOT have a BP episode, then that's what I'll have to do, because it's just not worth the other option.

I'll still celebrate the real meaning of Christmas anyway, and that has nothing to do with trees and lights and other decorations! :)

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Post-Thanksgiving Let-Down

Hey, y'all--

This morning my 23-yr-old son popped in for a surprise visit, and I really enjoyed it. I have 3 sons -- 17, 23, and 25, so he is the middle son. He doesn't stop by that often, so when he does, it really makes me happy. I do more listening than talking, actually, and I always seem to learn so much from a "younger" point of view.

He has ADHD, so he does talk quite a bit as well! (went off his meds for ADHD a long time ago). But boy, was it nice to have him here. I love all my boys so much, but I love each of them "best" in their own ways. I love him best because he is my affectionate one, and I love him hugging me and telling me he loves me. Especially cuz it always seems to come at a time when I'm a little down and I really need that hug.

I'm not really depressed, but I'm not really NOT, either. Know what I mean? I mean, Thanksgiving can be such a "high" with all the build-up, family and shopping and all... and then after it, it can be such a let-down. Time seems to be going even faster this year than last year -- Christmas seems to be coming up faster. At least if you believe all the hype!

I usually do one craft show each year, the first Sat. in Dec. But this year I feel so apathetic about it, I don't know why. I just feel so uninspired, so unmotivated about it...I really don't even want to do this one show. I mean, I used to do so many shows, and they were how I earned my Christmas money every year. But now nobody does craft shows around here any more except for this one show now. So if I don't do it, how will I earn my Christmas money? At least that is the guilty thought I'm having. On the other hand, I don't want guilt to be my motivator, as there will be no "love" in my crafts then. See my dilemma?

And now my kids are saying that they are "cancelling Christmas" this year -- they have told me they aren't buying presents, they aren't putting up trees or decorating, and they have told me not to do the things I normally do, like decorate my house, get a tree & decorate it, put up their stockings (that I made when they were kids) & fill them for Christmas day, buy them all presents, etc. The thing is, me and hubby are feeling the same way -- like we want to "cancel Christmas" too. Isn't that strange? But I'm fighting this urge to cancel Christmas! Just like I'm fighting this urge not to do that one craft show!

I don't know, I'd like to believe it's because I don't want to lose the real meaning of Christmas. Or maybe it's because I'm feeling apathetic. I sure don't want to believe it's because I'm getting depressed because of the holidays. I'm just feeling wishy-washy, and in the meantime, that first Sat. in Dec. is getting closer and closer...

Some days I just don't wanna do ANYthing, ya know? I just want to grab a book, go in my room, throw the covers over me, and read all day. Is that depression? Or is that a "healthy" make the world go away day? Aren't I entitled to one?

Michele

Happy Thanksgiving

Hey, y'all--

Hope you all had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was pretty good -- we went to Bill's Mamaw's (Tennessee for Grandma) house for "lunch" Thanksgiving, and the rest of the day/night was pretty quiet. Today's pretty quiet as well.

These days "quiet" pretty much equates with "stable," so I am not complaining. Stable is as close to "normal" as I get.

I talked to Dave today and I'm very excited about the next project we're working on! I get this way when I have an ongoing project and not just an article that I "whip up." I like ongoing projects. It gives me something to wake up for every day and to work on a little bit at a time. It's great, because I can work at my own speed. Some days I work all day because, like my hubby says, I get "in a zone." But other days, like a bad BP day, I just can't write a single word. But it evens out.

Today's a pretty peaceful, kind of "in-between" day. I've been battling physical pain lately, so that's added to the mix of my underlying depression -- found out I have bursitis and tendinitis in my right hip. Duh -- reckon that's why my right leg just up and decided to quit working a few days ago? I was in a LOT of pain, so my doctor put me on a pain medication, which I really fight taking, because of all the other meds I'm on, but like hubby says, "Don't be a martyr," so I am taking them twice a day and staying off my leg, and they're working. But I'm going to have to go to the bone doc and get that steroid shot into my hip. That is supposed to really help. We'll see...

Also, I did go have that sleep study done, and found out I do have sleep apnea, so I'm gonna end up on a CPAP machine. Bill's already on one for the same reason. His and hers CPAP machines. Cute. :)

I guess that's the biggest reason I've been fighting depression lately -- I'm going to be 50 yrs old next month, and all my parts are breaking down, it seems! Oh well, it could be worse, I know it could. So I shouldn't complain. At least my BP is stable, I have great docs and a wonderful therapist, and life is pretty good these days. What good would complaining accomplish?

Altho, if you do need to vent (the politically correct word for complain), you are free to do it here, and I will listen and try my best to help! :)

In the meantime, happy holidays to you, and...
Remember that God loves you, and so do I!
Michele

Just a "Day" Day

Hey, y'all--

Well, today is just a "day" day -- not up, and not down. It's pretty cold outside, but it's warm inside the house, and I'm just catching up on some writing I had to do. Hubby's off doing, well, hubby things, I guess. Tyler (my 17-yr-old) is watching TV. So it's relatively peaceful where I'm at.

I like that. No crisis. No big problems to solve. (not since the Water Heater Blues). I'll just get my writing done, then relax and read a book. I'm really looking forward to that. There was a time when I would've considered that really boring, but that was also when my life was filled with crisis after crisis (pre-BP diagnosis). Since I've stabilized, I'm glad for days like today.

When I was first diagnosed, I had to make a lot of lifestyle changes. I mean a LOT of lifestyle changes. Basically, I had to totally de-stress my life. Which, to tell the truth, was so stressed I don't know how I got through a day without a bottle of tranquilizers! I felt like I was on a continuous merry-go-round, with someone else at the controls.

It took 2 yrs of the ups and downs, different medications, therapy, episodes, etc., before I got stable, but now I lived a blessedly stable (what other people call boring) life. It's a very simple lifestyle. But it also has relatively no stress in it. I'll take two days of my life today over one day of my old life any day!

I was talking with David today, remembering what I used to go through working outside the home before I went on Disability and working for him writing for people who have BP and their supporters.

I remembered all the stress -- just having to get up, get dressed, get in the car and drive to work, park, go to work, listen to a boss tell me what to do, have to deal with my coworkers and listen to all their problems, do my work, finish the work day, get back in my car, and drive home. Then have to deal with making supper, take care of the kids and my (ex-)husband, being as stressed and wound up as I was from my work day. Then add in the home stress. Was it any surprise that one day at work I just "cracked" and ended up at the institution, where I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder?

No, friends, I would NEVER want that life back. NEVER. Today I have to live on disability instead of the nice paycheck I used to get. Today I "hide" in my house instead of being out in public. Today I am in my pajamas more often than not, instead of the nice clothes I used to wear to work. Today the car mostly sits in the driveway while I do my work in front of the computer.

But today I am HAPPY! I LOVE what I do for a living! I LOVE helping other people who have bipolar disorder, and their supporters! I LOVE being home with my husband during the day. I LOVE my simple, (relatively) stress-free lifestyle. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Water Heater Blues

Hey, y'all--

Yesterday I was singing the "Water Heater Blues," but today I am just singing God's praises, for how He works things out. Always in HIS timing, of course, and never in mine -- for some reason, I always end up sweating it out before the answer comes through. But what happened was, our water heater basically blew its bottom out, and water was gushing thru the bottom of our trailer! The only way we found out about it was that our kitchen faucet stopped working. So we called Roto Rooter. Bottom line, the estimate to fix the faucet was about $350, and the water heater $1200. $1200!!!!!

We had to pay the guy $45 just for the estimate (his time), which was like for nothing, and which was bad enough, and when he left, my husband and I just sat down and cried. Literally. Now you might understand l'il ole me crying, all 4'10" of me... but my husband is 6'5" and weighs 250 lbs. And has 2 black belts in karate. And to see this man literally crying in front of me just broke my heart. Because we just didn't know what to do! I mean, where were we going to get that kind of money? We have a total of $500 in our savings, which would cover the kitchen faucet, but no way could we come up with $1200 for the water heater! We don't have credit cards, and we don't know any rich people. So we literally just sat there and cried.

Well, Bill (hubby) went out on the back porch to think, I guess, and I sat in the house, crying, and I said out loud to God, "Ok, Lord, you knew this was going to happen. So you already have a solution to this. It sure would be good if you would let me know what it is!" And that was my whole prayer, before I just started crying again, because I was just so overwhelmed, ya know? I just did not know what else to do. In the meantime, every minute we couldn't repair it, that water heater was just gushing out water, and my water bill was going up and up and up, along with my electric bill.

Well, Bill was to be the featured speaker at the AA meeting last night, so about an hour after the bad news on the water heater, off we went to the AA meeting. Everyone was asking us what was wrong, so we told them. Less than a half hour later, two men offered to come over and put a new water heater in for us, so all we'd have to do was buy a new water heater and parts. They wouldn't charge us anything for labor. I just sat there, and the tears started up again, because I was amazed at what God had done -- how He had answered my prayer! Not in MY timing, but in HIS timing.

So today they came and put a brand new water heater in my home, and with that and the new kitchen faucet, it will be less than what we had in savings. Let me tell you, God is a miracle working God!

But now let me tell you what this has to do with bipolar disorder. I had a choice to make when I first heard the news about the water heater. Yes, I cried -- I was overwhelmed by the news, knowing we had no way to come up with the $1200. But I could have chosen to go climb into bed, pull the covers over my head, and go into a deep depression. And there was a time when I would have done that. Because there was a time when my BP controlled me, rather than the other way around. But today, I realize that depression doesn't solve anything. I can be as depressed as I want, climbing under the covers, crying, and everything -- but when I come out from under the covers, the problem is still going to be there.

Do I like it when life kicks me in the butt like that? Hell, no. I'm sure you don't either! But we don't have to take it lying down, either! We have a choice. We can stand up and fight the depression from BP -- do the best we can with what we've got. And sometimes that ain't a whole lot, but it's the best we can do. In AA I say, sometimes it's all I can do just to not drink. Well, with my BP, sometimes it's all I can do just to not get depressed. So, some days are harder than other days. So when I start complaining and being depressed about having a bad day, remind me of what I said, will ya? :)

Remember that God loves you, and so do I!
Michele

So Far So Good

Hey, y'all --

Well, so far I'm still doing good (yeah)! I'm so skeptical of medications, or at least new medications, I should say, but this one seems to be working. I finished up the rest of the articles for the newsletter this morning, and was really able to focus, which is a big deal for me. I like that. The month before that I was in like this fog -- like something was in my head, ya know? The closest I can compare it to is like how you feel when you get a head cold -- all stuffed up in your head? Like that, but all the time! And soooo exhausted, too, all the time.

This morning I even (for the second day in a row) got up an hour earlier than I have been getting up, which surprised me. So, here's to hoping this is a new trend for me and it'll keep up!

I just really like what I do. I love writing articles about bipolar, and hoping that I'm helping others out there who struggle with the same things that I do on a daily basis, with BP. Some times are better than other times, but basically I'm stable, which I'm grateful for (God, am I grateful for it). So, being stable for a long period makes it more tolerable when you have that one "off" day.

Well, at least that day isn't today, anyway, thank God (and I do!). Anyway, I like to hear back from some of y'all -- it makes me feel like I'm not doing this in vain, and that I am helping some of you with BP. I know how hard it is, especially when you don't have a support system, or much of one, anyway, and you can feel so alone. I'm so lucky, because I have a built-in support system in my husband, who also has BP (altho that can also be a trial sometimes).

But if you're going thru a hard time right now, let me know. Maybe I can help. I do care.

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Feeling Better

Hey, y'all --

Well, I seem to be feeling better. I was a good little bipolar and called my psychiatrist's office, spoke to his nurse, and my psych put me on Wellbutrin (antidepressant), and now I seem to feel a little better, anyway -- a little more energy, a little more focused. My husband's happy, anyway, I actually made dinner today and did the dishes. (You don't know what a big deal that was for me.)

I also wrote 5 articles for the InnerCircle newsletter. Now THAT is a big deal. Takes a LOT of focusing. My husband says I get in a "zone" when I write like that. It just seems that the ideas just sort of flow. I get sorta temporarily manic. But when the mental energy runs out, it is gone, and I'm done.

Still, I'm feeling a little better, and I'm grateful for that. I was getting pretty scared that I was going into an episode. At least this way I know I was just depressed, and hey--that happens sometimes.

Hopefully, the medication will be the umph I need, joined with the rest of my sanity cocktail.

Also, re: my exhaustion all the time, my regular doctor wants me to go for a sleep study, cuz she thinks I have sleep apnea. Well, hubby went for one last month, and he sleeps with a CPAP machine now -- it did wonders for him. So I'm real open to the idea. Gosh, a restful sleep -- what a novel idea! :)

Well, hope y'all are doing well. Let me hear from you!

Remember that God loves you, and so do I!
Michele