Writer's Block and "Bipolar Days"

Hey, y'all --

Well, today I have writer's block. I know, I know... this probably comes as surprise to many of you, but things like writer's block can happen to l'il ole me, too! LOL (just teasing).

Gosh, it's so frustrating, tho! I mean, this is like my JOB here!! How would you like it if you went to work one day and just like couldn't do your job either! Like you just sat there at your desk staring at the wall and just plain couldn't do your job.

Well, that's what it's like for me, since writing IS my job!

So I just sit here and stare at my computer, like the old game we played as children, who's gonna blink first! (the computer always wins, of course)

So I keep staring at my computer like I'm gonna be struck by lightning with some amazing grandiose idea for an article!!!

So I sit...

And I sit...

And I sit...

Until I finally give up...

Realizing that it's ok if the computer wins... and tomorrow is another day after all... another chance for me to win Writer of the Year.

The important thing to learn here is that whether you're a writer or a car salesman or a business owner -- it's ok to have one of those "bipolar days" where you have "writer's block" or "salesman's block" or "businessman's block" or "whatever's block"! It's OK! It doesn't mean you're going to lose your job, it doesn't mean you're a bad employee, it doesn't mean you're a bad person.

It just means that you have bipolar disorder, and sometimes your brain will not function to 100% capacity, and you just have to be patient with it. What would you do if you had a child whose mind kinda wandered sometimes? Would you "fire" him or just accept that behavior and work within it?

Especially if normally you produce work ABOVE other co-worker's, which is usually the case in a person with bipolar disorder. Our "normal" is usually their "above normal." Not to brag, honestly, but it just seems that way in the work environment.

We're just used to working harder and producing more, I guess so that we won't be asked if we have bipolar disorder, so we don't have to tell them if we don't want to. Ah, but lest we digress... so the point is, we have excellent work records. So that if we have one bad day, our bosses aren't going to get on our cases about it.

I promise you, if Dave finds out I had writer's block today, he is NOT going to jump down my throat about it. He, like me, is just going to hope that tomorrow I'll be better and be able to write the pants off my computer!

Well, I better go -- my computer is giving me dirty looks! LOL

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

20/20 Hindsight on Bipolar Disorder

Hey, y'all --

I was just thinking today about how I seemed to have such good hindsight (20/20) on bad choices and bad decisions when it came to my alcoholism and addiction, could I have that with my bipolar disorder as well? And the real question -- can I have it beforehand so I don't have to go thru the episode???

Why can't I see the episode coming beforehand? Why do I miss the signs? I was thinking about my last episode, and why I completely missed it until it was right on top of me and it was too late for me to do anything about it. Then I had to deal with it in hindsight and learned how NOT to do that again. Oh well, at least I DID learn how NOT to do that again!

There are some lessons that we just have to learn the hard way. Oh God, I sound like my mother! LOL

I guess I'm getting old, if I'm sounding like my mother. But it's true -- the hardest lessons are the ones we remember the best. Because those are the most painful ones, and we certainly do NOT want to repeat them! Especially because we remember the pain.

Dave has coined a phrase called the Post-Episode Analysis, where we sit down with our loved one AFTER the episode and go over what caused the episode, so that we don't do that again. Or we identify a trigger we didn't know about before. Things like that. Like with me, for example, my last episode we uncovered a physical cause for my episode, which totally took me by surprise.

Some of you may remember, it was last May, I think -- and the episode was caused by drinking too much water! Which caused my body to be depleted of potassium, which caused me to go into a manic episode because it caused distorted thinking.

So what I learned from it (the hard way, of course) was #1 - I hadn't checked with my doctor first about going on the diet I went on, and #2 - not all episodes are caused by mental or emotional triggers. And that was a VERY important lesson.

Isn't 20/20 hindsight wonderful? :)

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

My 4 S's: Serenity, Sobriety, Sanity, and Stability

Hey, y'all --

I saw this posted elsewhere and wanted to pass it on to you, because I never thought of it before, and think it's a great idea:

"One of the best ways to keep your doctor informed is by fax. Did you know this? If you type out what you're experiencing and then fax it over to your doctor's office, that paper will go right into your doctor's hand and you don't have to worry about trying to explain it all to a receptionist. I really recommend this, I do it all the time, for every type of doctor we have. If you don't have a fax at home, go to your local Staples or Office Max or Kinkos or any photocopy type place and they will fax it for you for just a couple of bucks. "

Sometimes it takes the simplest of solutions to solve the most complicated of problems!

My problems always fall into 4 categories: Serenity, Sobriety, Sanity, and Stability -- my 4 S's.

When I'm feeling agitated, iritable, short-tempered, or just plain pissed off, my serenity is off-kilter. I look at the Serenity Prayer, and see where I'm falling short. Usually it has to do with people, places, or things, and that they're not being the way *I* want them to be. So I have to work on accepting them just as they are (the hardest thing for me to do), instead of the way I would like them to be. I have to remind myself that there is a God, and I'm not Him!

When I'm feeling really nervous and wanting to drink or drug, my sobriety is in jeopardy. But, fortunately, I have a good support system for that -- AA, my husband (who is also in the program), my sponsor in AA, and many friends I can call who are also in the program. I have a healthy fear of ever drinking or drugging again -- the next time I may not make it back alive, and that's the truth. So I am very protective of my sobriety.

Then there's my sanity, which comes from two places -- first of all, from God, who restored me to sanity in the 2nd/3rd steps of the AA program; and secondly, the medication I take for my BP. Yes, I was definitely insane before both. Do you know the definition of insanity? It's doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. That definitely described me!

And then, of course, is my stability. My bipolar stability. Which comes not just from medication, but from my whole treatment program. Medication by itself will not keep me stable in the long run. I need therapy, a strong support system, good diet, exercise, good sleep pattern, etc., and all of it working in tandem to keep me relatively stress-free so it doesn't set off my triggers to a bipolar episode; i.e., so I can stay stable.

So, my 4 S's -- Serenity, Sobriety, Sanity, and Stability -- how I maintain a happy, healthy, productive, and successful life, in spite of having bipolar disorder.

Hopefully, you can do the same!

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Getting Better All the Time

Hey, yall --

Today I've got that old Beatle's song on my brain, just going over and over, "It's getting better all the time..." Dare I even hope? But I've been off the antidepressants now for 3 days, and it feels like the depression is lifting, at least a little bit. Of course, it may just be positive thinking, but hey--whatever works, right? I get so down that I'm like a drowning person willing to grab onto any life preserver!

I've been working with my therapist on this "Why can't I be happy" thing. I have everything in the world to be happy about, yet I'm still unhappy. So what's up with that? is what I ask her. I got this book called "Why am I still Depressed?" by Jim Phelps, M.D. Boy, does that describe me.

I mean, I can function fully, high-functioning, actually. I am very happily married, have 3 great sons, love my job... everything's great. Well, except for the fact that I feel fat and ugly half the time. Ok, I lied. Most of the time. But doesn't half the women's population of the world? I'm 30 lbs overweight, but most of the time, I don't feel like exercising. Does anyone, tho? I mean, I have these great intentions, but what I usually say about it is, as far as joining a gym: "Here's my money, you'll never see me again!" I try, but I never succeed. I start off great, but then my interest fades away, or it's too far to drive, or I do it at home but then eventually stop doing it there, too. Oh gosh, listen to me -- can I get any more dramatically depressing??? Ok, time for new subject.

I'm trying to be more positive. If I had any New Years resolution at all (which I try not to do, because I never keep them), it would be that I would try to be more positive. But it is SO hard for someone with bipolar disorder to be more positive, when we have so little control over our emotions/mood swings. I was just writing about this lately -- our medications give us more control than we have without them, that's a fact. But they only go so far. We get more control over our emotions/mood swings through therapy, that's another fact. Then why do we still get depressed even when we're doing everything right??????

This is the only answer I've found. Bipolar disorder is not just a mood disorder in the mentally ill sense, but also in the physical sense. It is a chemical disorder of the brain, involving nerve synapses. And sometimes these nerve synapses just fire off on their own, with no trigger at all. So sometimes we are subject to that, without any provocation on our part. And we have no control over that. Most importantly, it is NOT our fault! Unfortunately, tho, we are the ones who still suffer for it.

At times like that, when I boil it down to - it's just a bad bipolar day, meaning it's just the chemicals firing off, not my fault - I just have to accept it, and try to get thru the day the very best I can. And sometimes "the very best I can" means that I just don't make it worse. Sometimes the best I can means I just make it through the day. And, usually, the next day is a little better.

Sometimes that's all we can do -- just wait out the bad days, and hope for better days. And that's ok. ("It's getting better all the time...") :)

Rememer God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Got scammed!

Hey, yall--

I can't believe it, but I got scammed! Even worse, because of me, someone else got scammed, and I am so sorry for that.

Someone posted a comment under one of my topics on this blog -- her name was Barbara, and she was claiming to be a writer, and told me how she had been glad to meet me. Well, coincidentally, the weekend before, I had been to a gathering of women where I had met another woman writer, but hadn't remembered her name, so I thought well, it could have been Barbara.

Well this woman, in her post, posted a site where she said she goes to get writing assignments and gets paid for them. The woman I had spoken with at the gathering wrote for money as well, so again, I thought this could be the same woman. This is the only way I would have fallen for something like this, because of the coincidence -- otherwise it would have obviously been caught as a scam by me. But I was fooled.

I posted my friendly, "glad to have met you too, will check out the site when I have time" post BEFORE I had time to check out the site, and because of that, and someone else trusting me, someone else fell for the scam. And I am so sorry for that.

When I finally went to the site, I saw it for what it was, and it was obviously a scam, because not 5 seconds into it and they were wanting money. And I knew I had been scammed.

I feel so terrible that someone else got scammed because of me, but I want you to know I have removed that post (as well as my response) off my blog so that no one else gets hurt. Again, I'm sorry.

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Antidepressants and BP Drugs

Hey, y'all--

I have to admit to something -- although I always try to be positive, I've been kinda on the down side of things ever since Christmas. I tried to explain it away as the Christmas blues, and y'all know why (cancelling Christmas, etc.), but now I'm thinking it's something else. I'm hoping maybe some of you have gone thru the same thing.

A month ago I was really depressed, and had been for a few weeks, so I figured I better take care of that real quick before it went into an episode, so I saw my psychiatrist, and he prescribed me Wellbutrin, which is an Antidepressant. Well, I have traditionally been against taking Antidepressants if you're on a Mood Stabilizer (which I am), because research is showing that it doesn't help -- that it "cancels out" the Mood Stabilizer, and can, in some cases, actually be harmful to you if you take them both.

So anyway, even tho I was against it, I decided to try it in case it might help. I just wanted to stop being depressed. And I knew I couldn't go on another Mood Stabilizer (insurance won't pay), so there wasn't really another option, and I didn't want to go up on my present meds because they're already so high, and I have a problem waking up in the morning.

Gosh, I feel like a pill machine! Well, I tried the Antidepressant for a whole month, figuring I can tell my psychiatrist I really gave it a good try. But I am here to tell you, it definitely DID NOT WORK! And I think, in fact, that I'm worse than I was before I took it. I am now a firm believer that you can't take Antidepressants if you're on a Mood Stabilizer if you have bipolar disorder.

So now I don't know what to do. I'm still fully functional, not quite made it to the run to bed, pull the covers over my head and hide from the world depressed yet. But definitely a little out of the norm depressed.

I don't know what other options I have. Any suggestions?

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Happy New Year!

Hey, y'all!

Well, I hope y'all had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I sure learned my lesson. As I said I was gonna do, I cancelled Christmas this year, but boy was I sorry I did. I got SO depressed! Next year I'm putting it all back. I don't care whether the kids want the tree or not -- I'm getting one. And I don't care if they want decorations or not, I'm still putting them up! I want Christmas, even if it's just for me.

I turned 50 on New Years Eve... you really don't want me to go on about that, it isn't exactly positive. My best friend from high school called me to wish me a happy birthday yesterday, and we were talking about it, cuz she turned 50 in October, and I was saying how depressed I was over turning 50, and she was just so positive about it, and getting on my case about being so negative about it!

I don't know why -- I handled 40 real good... but I'm having a real hard time with 50. I think alot of it is that I had gained all that weight (30 lbs in 3 months) when I had that problem with my thyroid gland, so I'm not feeling good in my own skin, if you know what I mean. Then I had to stop exercising because I got "trochanteric bronchitis" (because I'm getting old, the doctor says), but now I got the shots into both hips, so I'll be able to start exercising again soon.

But my girlfriend got on my case because I used to be a real positive person, and she still is, so she was telling me I should be positive about it. I hate that I haven't been positive lately. I mean, everyone I counsel and talk to about their bipolar disorder, well, I'm always positive with them, and now I've got this little person on my shoulder saying, "Why don't you practice what you preach?"

Hopefully, I'll get out of this mood soon. I think it was just the holidays. Things should go back to normal soon. I should have some real exciting news for y'all real soon, if all goes well!

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele