I'm So Excited!

Hey, y'all --

I am so excited! Something *I've* written is finally going to be published! Well, not published in the mainstream in a paperback, not like that, but Dave is going to print it and sell it on his website! It's a devotional I wrote just for Christians who have bipolar disorder! I checked before I wrote it, and of the 22 million websites that I googled under the word bipolar (of which we are number 5, thank you very much), there is not a single online devotional just for Christians with bipolar! And I checked Amazon.com, and of their many hundreds of devotionals (or more), there isn't one for us, either! So I went ahead and did it!

I can't believe it! I am so excited! It's supposed to be printed this week (I think). Dave's already getting orders for it, and it's not even printed yet! That shows me how much people are hungry for something like this. I know I would be. It stems from questions I had asked myself, like, "If I'm such a good Christian, why do I still have BP?" or "If God loves me so much, why do I still have BP?" or "Is there something wrong with my faith? Do I not have enough faith?" or "Am I doing something wrong?" or "If God is such a great healer, why hasn't He healed me of my BP?" and questions like that.

But up until now, those questions have just simmered inside me, with no place to go, and no one who I felt could understand me. I felt like if I shared it with my friends in the church community, they would judge me for not having enough faith, and I just think they are just majorly scared of mental illness to begin with. And with my non-Christian friends, well, they don't want to hear about God at all. So I was kind of stuck in the middle, just writing about it in my journal.

So this devotional is a combination of scripture, those journal entries, and prayer. And it also has a built-in journal for you, too! Something else that no one else has ever done! Because I hate having to jump from my own devotional reading to my journal and back again, so we did it this way so you wouldn't have to. Doesn't that sound great? Our own devotional, written strictly for Christians with BP! Now do you see why I'm so excited?

I'm also pretty proud of myself, because for once I finally carried out my own goal, my own writing, like my sons and my husband are always bugging me to do. Dave let me do the project so he could offer it on the website to y'all (he's always taking care of us, isn't he?), but it was always my dream to do something like this. I actually started the writing 15 years ago and only now am seeing my dream come true (thanks to Dave, and to God). How many people can say that?

Anyway, I hope you get a copy, and I hope you like it. Let me know, ok?

Cleaning House

Hey, y'all--

Today is a good day. God, it feels good to say that! Bill's home, my bipolar is under control, and even tho I still have the same problems I had yesterday, I feel optimistic that I have control over them.

I overslept a little, but I guess I just needed the sleep and woke up when my body needed to. I've started exercising again, even tho I HATE it. Wait, let me rephrase that. I LOVE the results -- it's just the work I hate. I remember I was that way when I was working outside the home, too. In fact, there was kind of a joke about it I used to say: "I love my job -- it's the work I hate." In fact, I feel the same way about my house. I wish someone would wave a magic wand over it and it would be clean. I love a clean house, I just hate to be the one to clean it. Really, this is a big issue for me. Usually people who have OCD go crazy making sure their house is clean, but not me. I wonder why that is. In fact, I'm just the opposite -- I'm a slob. It's awful, and makes me condemn myself for it. Whenever I go thru these therapy things where you're supposed to "love yourself" I always fail, because the house thing is the one thing that keeps me hating myself. I know, to those of you to whom housework is no big deal, you're probably thinking, why doesn't she just do it? But I don't know why I can't/won't -- I want to, I really do, and every day I pray for motivation. It just doesn't happen for me. I look around my house and I think where to start, and I'm just so OVERWHELMED by it all that I don't start anywhere!

Has anyone else had this problem? Because I really, really want a clean house. Every day I look at the mess and think, "How can anyone live like this?" Bill does the kitchen, so at least that gets done. And in the morning, I do at least pick up the living room and make up the bed, but that's as far as I get. And I do do the laundry. But it's like I've got it justified -- I do work for bipolarcentral.com, which even tho it's work from home is still work, so it's not that I'm lazy or anything. I am active in AA. I do other things. It's just the house thing that has me bound up. I really think there's something wrong with me. In my head I view a beautiful, clean house. I can even picture me cleaning it. But it just doesn't happen.

Someone told me to start with a small area and just concentrate on that. That's what I've done. The coffee table in the living room. I do that. Every morning. I clean it off. And now I take the dirty dishes, etc., out of the living room to the kitchen. But that's it.

Does anyone else have this problem?

I think it stems from the fact that I'm a clutterer. I don't throw ANYTHING away. So things just keep piling up and piling up. And I live in a double-wide trailer, so there's no real storage, so things get even more piled up, cuz there's no place to put them, so there's piles of things all over the place. And then I procrastinate. That's one of the biggest things wrong with me.

Please help, if you have any suggestions?

Thanks in advance,
Michele

Another Bipolar Episode

Hey, y'all--

Yep, another bipolar episode...only this time it's not me. It was my husband. He has BP too. He hadn't been sleeping well (or at all) for over a month, until it finally caught up with him and sent him into a mini-episode and I had to take him to the hospital. He's home now and fine, but it was real scary there for awhile.

I learned alot about myself as a bipolar supporter, tho, and I don't like what I saw. Bill wouldn't have had to suffer as long as he did if I didn't stay in the state of denial I was in for as long as I was. I mean, I saw the signs, but I kept thinking things would magically fix themselves. I didn't want to confront my husband with the truth. I hate confrontation to that degree. Like I was afraid of him or what he might do. So I kept my mouth shut. And that's bad for a supporter. We have to point out to our loved one when we see their bipolar symptoms manifesting -- get them help early, so we can avoid an episode.

But we let things go, let this insomnia go on, for about (over) a month, so by the time we got help for Bill, he was a zombie, so confused, so scared, and afraid he was going to hurt himself or maybe someone else. He was hardly talking by that point. Couldn't sit still. Told me he just felt like he wanted to explode. He told me to take me to the hospital right then, because he was afraid of what he might do. So I took him to the hospital, because he was scaring me.

He was out in 3 days, a new man. They kept him on the same meds, but made some modifications. And they let him sleep for 2 days without distractions. The doctor said the mini-episode was all because of lack of sleep. So I guess that's what I wanted to write and warn you about today, like I did about my own episode in May and warned you about drinking too much water and how that can lead you into an episode.

Lack of proper sleep can also lead you into an episode. The doctor said that if Bill had gone even one or two more nights without good, deep sleep, that he would've gone into a full blown episode. He was lucky -- he came real close. But he got help just in time. To most of us, sleep (or lack of it) seems like such a small part of our treatment plan. But I'm here to tell you, that you MUST get at least 8 uninterrupted good hours of sleep per night, EVERY night to keep from going into a bipolar episode. Just remember Bill. You don't want the same thing to happen to you.

Tomorrow's Another Day

Hey, yall--

Well, it's been a couple days, and everything is status quo. Nothing new to report, really. Things on my end are pretty much still the same, which is pretty good for a BP.

On Mom's end, well, that's another story. She has Dad convinced she's just fine and is out of her episode, doesn't need to see anyone any more, meds are working fine, etc. I called down to FL to a place that will evaluate her and go from there. Not necessarily hospitalize her, but at least provide counseling services for free (she's paying $60/visit to her psych now, sometimes twice a week), therapy, other services she could use. They take Medicare, too, (her shrink doesn't), so even if she did need to go in, it would at least be paid for. It could even be voluntary--not necessarily involuntary. But she does need help -- she is NOT getting better. But of course, she has my father convinced that she is. So I got my dad on the phone and he told me how good she's doing and how he's so pleased with her progress and that going to the hospital is out of the question, etc. etc.

I told him what I had found out about the facility and everything, and that she is NOT ok, and he just said well, thank you for the information, but she's ok now. I told him, "She's just that way in front of you -- you have no idea what she does behind your back -- the money she's spending -- the things she says to me that she doesn't say to you--the way she REALLY is. Dad, she is NOT OK!" I got very emotional, and I think maybe, just maybe, because I started crying, which I would NEVER do, he may have believed me.

But change his mind? I don't know. I think he just wants to believe what every supporter wants to believe -- we believe for the best. We want to believe what we see in our hearts, not necessarily what is right in front of us. We don't want to believe the lying and manipulating and dishonesty and nastiness are for real. I know. I've lived with it. I'm not only a survivor, but a supporter as well -- my sister was the best at it -- she would lie right to your face and you would believe her! She would do the most unthinkable things, and you would only find out after the episode was over what the truth really was.

This is breaking my heart. They have been married for 50 years. And I think Dad just wants to believe the best -- so much so that it's blinding him to the truth. He's doing everything WRONG that a supporter should do. And he won't listen to anyone else. We lost my sister to this horrible disorder 2 yrs ago (she killed herself while in an episode). I don't want to lose my Mom too.

Anyway, thanks for letting me dump. As a supporter of a loved one with BP, there are very few places we have to go to talk to other people who understand how much we suffer; not just the one who has it. Please pray for my mom. Her name is Shirley.

Michele

Tomorrow's a

BP Being What it is...

Hey, y'all--

It always seems that when one thing goes good, two things go bad to make up for it. I don't mean to be a pessimist (y'all know I'm the eternal optimist, or at the least a realist), but...

My mother's BP episode is getting worse by the day. My father promised her 12 yrs ago that he would never put her in the hospital again (they were horrible back then). But just yesterday threatened that if she didn't get some sleep (i.e., let HIM get some sleep), he was going to do just that. And she is at the point that she doesn't even seem to care if he does. This is not my mom. This is some alien-type manic creature that has taken over my mother's mind. It is so painful -- not for her, but for all those who love her. In 50 yrs of marriage, my father has seen her thru several episodes, but none like this one. She's never been this bad. Ever. I feel so helpless. I know there is nothing I can do but be there with my one phone call a day (she's in FL, I'm in TN), but all she does is rattle on about nonsense, and even I, with the patience of a saint (having raised 3 sons) lose my patience. It's like dealing with a misbehaving child. And you can't get anywhere with her. And she doesn't remember from one day to the next (sometimes one hour, even) what she says or does that is hurtful or stressful, so that is really stressful to the rest of us. Ok, enough of problem #1.

Problem #2: My husband also has BP. And he has only been getting about 4 hrs of sleep a night. We don't know why he isn't sleeping through the night, but y'all know that not enough sleep will throw you into an episode. He's been getting more depressed by the day. So here I am with that helpless feeling again. He says he doesn't want to go into the hospital. Not even the one I was in a few months ago that was so great it got me out of my manic episode in just a few days. And they treated me so kind and respectful, and taught me (me, who thought I knew everything there was to know about BP) so much about the disorder. But I'm so worried about him on top of my mom...and yet I have to keep myself in order so I don't go into my own episode on top of everything else. That's the primary thing. But it's so hard, because between the two of them, it's so easy to be depressed.

So I just do the best I can with the hand I'm dealt, and pray and pray and pray... and each night I cry when no one can see or hear me... because sometimes the struggle is so hard, and so lonely. But at least I have y'all to share it with, so I don't feel so alone. I always try to think I'm such a tower of strength, but at times like these, I topple like my son's building blocks when he was little. Anyway, thanx for listening. Hopefully, I'll have better news tomorrow.

Michele

Date Nite

Hey, Y'all --

I don't remember if I've told you about Date Nite
before or not, but what it is, is that even tho we're married, every Fri. night, Bill and I go out on a date (thus the name Date Nite). Neither of us will schedule anything else for that night, because it is "sacred" to us. Everyone who knows us knows NOT to call us on a Friday night, because -- you guessed it -- it's Date Nite!

Date Night doesn't have to be anything elaborate or anything' nor does it have to be expensive; this week because Ive been working so hard and not paying as much attention as I should to those things around me, Bill was able to conspire with our son (he's 17) to take me to Cherokee, NC, and to Pigeon Forge, TN on the way back. Talk about shopping galore! I finally found the feather earrings I've been looking for for years -- and believe it or not, they were under $3! (so, of course, I had to buy several in different colors!)
We stopped in gatlinburg for dinner, and came home. I had the best time -- no computer, no phones, no work, no worries


sometimes it's a good thing to take a step away from your problems and do something enjoyable, as if they werent evetn there; even Jesus said there comes a time when we must "rest from our labors." Even Jesus did that; I know the same problems are here today that were here yesterday, but today I have a joy in my heart that I didn'thave yesterday and I believe that joy and prayer will get me thru today

Joy and peace and prayer may not always change our situaation (we still have BP, for example), but they make it easier to bear.

Michele