ECT Anyone?

Hey, y'all--

Was just wondering if anyone out there has had ECT? Since I have been unable to break this depressed cycle of the bipolar, and there is no other medication out there for me to try, my psychiatrist wants me to have ECT. He has suggested it before, but I refused, because I was scared. You know, the old scare stories. My mom had it when I was 12, and when she came home, she didn't even know us kids, and she never played guitar again. I don't wanna be like that. But supposedly, ECT is much different now. So they say. And that the memory loss is only temporary, and not that bad. And on the other hand, there's a LOT of stuff I'd LIKE to forget!!!

I've researched ECT, but it's a far cry from reading about it to actually talking to someone who's been through it. Is there anyone out there who's actually gone through the ECT experience that can tell me about it? My ECT evaluation is Nov. 3rd.

Michele

Score: SUICIDE - 25, SURVIVAL - 75

Hey, y'all--

Most of you, if not all, know that besides BP, I am also a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I just got back from an AA meeting, and wanted to share with you something I heard:

This man had been in a horrible depression--so horrible, in fact, that at one point he could not get out of bed. He had been in bed for 5 days, staring at the ceiling, thinking about how awful his life was. On this day, his fifth, he was thinking, "What's the use? It's just not going to get any better."

He actually had an out-of-body experience, where he was taken to the top of a mountain. He was shown three views of beautiful clouds and mountains; to his right (25%); to his left (25%); and in front of him (25%). Then he was shown one view of absolutely dark, stormy clouds (25%). He understood it to mean that although 25% of his life was terrible--his PAST--what he had been so depressed about; the baggage he had brought into his present life; the things that were keeping him so depressed--75%, his PRESENT, everywhere he was able to look while standing in that spot without turning, was beautiful. So that it was his choice whether to enjoy what was right in front of him (75%), or to turn around and look at the past (25%).

Wow! What a thought. Especially since I have been stuck in this depression for so long that I am actually facing ECT next month. I have cried so much about my past--so much I wish I could change--so much guilt, remorse, and shame... and thinking my whole life has been so bad, I have never done anything right, everything I've done has turned to s---, etc. Basically everything we think when we are on our pity pots. But I never thought that in the great scheme of things (the old "forest through the trees), the past is really only 25%, while the present is 75%, and really, the present is all we have. We don't know if we will have tomorrow. All we have is today.

One day at a time. Just today. All I can do is my best today. Some days that best is just getting out of bed and actually getting dressed. Or making it from the bed to the couch. For me, especially, it is doing the dishes, since that is a sign to my son that I am headed for an episode (when I stop doing them).

Today I will try to enjoy the 75%. At least I will SURVIVE the 75% of today. And I will CHOOSE not to dwell on the 25% of yesterday. So, if you will, Score: Suicide-25, Survival-75.

Just for today, we are not alone. We will help each other survive.
Michele

SUICIDE vs. SURVIVAL

Hey, y'all--

For those who are new to this blog, I'll just let you know the short of it: my sister Deb, the "twin of my heart", who also had bipolar, at age 44, this past April, off her meds, killed herself.

Her husband, Bill, who comments here at times, sent me a link to the website he started in her memory. I know none of you knew her, but I ask you to visit this site anyway. So many of us who struggle with bipolar must also struggle with agonizing thoughts of suicide. I know that I do, anyway. To the point, sometimes, that it scares me, because I don't know what I am capable of doing. When Deb killed herself, I didn't know what to think. I judged her, thinking I could never do that. But one day since then, in a deep and dark depression, and even ON my meds, I knew what she felt at that moment. I had those thoughts. I knew I could do it. And it scared me, thinking that I really must be crazy. I have lived with that "secret" since. Scared that I might have an episode where I might face that decision--the one my sister faced--and that I, too, would make the wrong decision.

This is what I wrote my brother-in-law after I visited the site:
"...when it opened with that picture of Deb, my heart literally skipped a beat...I couldn't breathe. I felt like someone punched me in the gut, and all air went out of me at once. I just didn't expect it, I guess. That one picture captured the very essence of who she was. Like she was still alive. And then I remembered...she's dead. And all of a sudden, I missed her so much all over again. What you wrote was so poignant. It was a beautiful testimony to her... but then you wrote, "SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION TO A HEALTHY MIND" That one line is the dividing line between mental illness and mental health. Remember we talked about, "How can a sick mind even know that it's sick?" That's the answer. A healthy mind would not even consider suicide. You answered a big question for me. A secret I have been carrying for some time. But now I know the answer. When my thoughts go to suicide, I will know it is my disease speaking, and not me. And I will know that I need help."

Please visit this site:
www.fordeb.com

Michele

ECT Blues

Hey, y'all--

I know I haven't written for so long, and for that I apologize. Every day I have thought to write, but every day I procrastinated to the next, until it was a long stretch. So many bad things happened in a row...plus having been in a manic cycle in my last writing, obviously as you all know from having BP, I crashed and burned into depression. Bad, bad depression. You know, the kind where getting out of bed is an effort, and getting dressed an accomplishment. A whole week of constant crying--why? what's wrong? my son would ask. My only answer, "Everything and nothing." Because I wish more than anyone else that I had an explanation for why I am so depressed.

Then last week, I was driving him to school, and we had a spat, and he said, angrily, "How do you think it feels to live with a mom who is constantly cycling?" (I am a rapid cycler) Oh my God, I thought, how awful it must be for Tyler to live with me. I hadn't realized how bad it/I was. So pile on the guilt and shame, and just coming off a manic, and I plunged deep...then deeper...

Until recently, I had been stable for so long, it hadn't been an issue. But then I started cycling again. The manic high is so high high, and I want to stay there (only when it is the elated kind, NOT the violent kind, and I have had both)...but the higher the high, the lower the low, and now I feel like if I were any lower, I would have to reach up to touch bottom.

I called my psychiatrist, because I was just so saddened by the fact that this medication, like ALL the others before it, seems to be failing. And I was doing so well, and for so long...but I had to tell my psych. That's our deal. When I start to have those "crazy thoughts" again, I call. He wanted me to go back into the hospital, but I refused, because I don't have anyone to watch Tyler. So we compromised, and he upped my meds and I am staying home, monitoring the results. There was a little change, at least I don't want to die today, and that's always a good thing :). And no more voices. So I'm not at the bottom, and I definitely am not at the top, but this in-between, this pergatory, feels like nothingness...like I'm one of the "walking dead." So as I preached to y'all, so I had to do for myself. I called my psych back and reported the results of upping the meds, and that it helped, but didn't work to bringing me out of the depression.

The only thing left to try for me is ECT. This is the second time he has wanted me to do this. This time, tho, I don't see that I have a choice. I mean, I know it is my choice, but it is the only one left to me, considering I have been on every BP med there is, and if this one, too, is failing, well... so I am wondering if any of y'all have had ECT, and what you can tell me about it. As far as what they are telling me about it, they say the only side effect is temporary memory loss. That kinda scares me. On the positive side, however, there are several things I WANT to forget! :)

At any rate, I will be writing more often, as I go through this, but right now I feel really alone, like no one has done this before, and no one knows how I feel. This is my last chance at being happy. Nothing else has helped my depression. And they can't keep upping my anti-depressant and/or my BP meds forever. It sure would be great to be happy. I wonder what that's like?

I hope I'm not alone in this,
Michele