Boredom or Depression?

Hey, y'all--

Just wanted to throw out a question to you:

How can you tell the difference between just plain boredom and bipolar depression?

That's been weighing on my mind the past few days, because I've been feeling something, and I'm not exactly sure which. I know something's going on with me, and I don't exactly feel "right," but I don't want to call it depression, either. I don't know if that's because of pride or fear but, either way, what if it is depression? So I'm just kind of going along, hoping each day that I'll feel better, just doing what I have to do to get through each day.

I would much rather believe I'm just bored. I mean, wouldn't you? If given the choice? Boredom we can do something about, at least -- find something to take our minds off the way we're feeling. Find something to do, feel better, then we know it's not depression. Makes sense to me. But I've done that, and I still don't feel right.

So I've gone through my BP checklist, and I'm doing everything right to keep me on track, taking meds, going to bed right, getting the right amount of sleep (actually, getting too much sleep - 10 hrs/night), etc. But I just feel "clingy," is what I told my husband. Clingy is one of my signs of an episode. One of the early signs. But at least I told him. And tired is another one. But tired after sleeping 10 hours? Well, I called my doctor after that one, and have an appt. to be evaluated for a sleep study - it isn't right to feel as exhausted as I feel after sleeping 10 hrs of sleep every night like I do.

So is it one thing feeding the other? Probably so. So if I can keep staying just this side of a bad depression, I'll be ok. I'm doing everything I can, let's put it that way. I'm isolating, but not as bad as I usually do when I go into an episode -- at least I went to the grocery store, and I'm going to the library today. I'm not playing turtle, anyway.

And my husband isn't complaining about my clingy-ness. And I am telling him how I'm feeling, so as my primary supporter, he is aware of what's going on (yeah, right, like he didn't notice it before I told him).

The biggest thing is to keep watching the symptoms. That's what I would tell any of you, so that's what I have to do for myself. So far it's not too bad. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. If not, I have a good book to read (if I ever get to the library, anyway).

Hope y'all are doing better than me today! :)

Remember, God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Back From Cruise

Hey y'all--

Well, I'm back from my anniversary cruise, and ready to go back to work (that's a lie) -- all right, so I'm back, but who wants to go back to work? It's like that line, "I love my job, it's the work I hate!" Naw, seriousy, I do love my job, and I'll tell you why, cuz I'll tell you what happened one day on the ship:

I was sitting up on deck with Bill (hubby), and we were talking with another couple we'd just met. I was talking with the woman about bipolarcentral.com, cuz she was wondering if she was bipolar or not, etc. Well, this man comes up to me sitting at the table and says, "Excuse me, but I didn't mean to overhear you, but I was listening to you talk about that website and I wanted you to know that 3 years ago I found that website and got help for my son because of it, and I just wanted to thank you and to tell you that he's doing real good now." Then he told me that he knew who I was, and that he had read all my articles and it was good to meet me, because he always wondered if the website was just all writers or if we (me and Dave) were real people.

It was so exciting for me to have met this man and for him to have said such nice things. I felt like a celebrity! I saw him one more time on the cruise, and asked him where he was from, and a little more about his son, and he said he was from Ohio, and that his son was 17 when he first found the website, and that he is 20 now, on meds and therapy, and in college!!!! and doing very, very well. Wow, that made me feel good. Because we very rarely in real life get to find out that we are really and truly helping people. Dave gets emails and testimonials from people, but I don't, and I hardly ever even get responses to my blog, so I don't ever know if I'm helping people or not -- I just have to take it in faith that I am. So this man was a real shot to my arm, telling me that I helped him and his son, that he had read all my articles, etc. Wow! I'll have to remember that on days when I'm a little down and don't feel like writing! :)

Oh, and I forgot to tell you, this whole conversation with this stranger took place in the Bahamas! So that's part of what made it so exciting -- I've typed up testimonials for Dave from people from all over the world, but this is the first time it really hit home for me that our website is truly helping people from all over the world. How exciting! I would love to hear from more people on my blog to tell me that I'm helping them. That's the reason for it all -- for everything I do -- the articles, the interviews, the blog, the forum posts, the newsletter, the devotional -- everything. I always think, if I can just help one person, then it's worth it. Because 2 years ago, when I started with Dave and this website, *I* was that one person.

Well, if you are that one person today, and if you are being helped, I sure would love to hear from you. In the meantime, I hope y'all are having a blessed day!

Remember, God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Feeling Sad

Hey, y'all--

Well, a really good friend of mine died yesterday, and I'm feeling sad about it. But I saw my therapist, and she said that's a good thing. Imagine that! Seriously, she did -- because I'm not depressed! She said at least I'm acknowledging the difference between sad (which is a normal healthy response) and depressed (which is not a good place for me to be).

But then today I went to get my hair cut, and the woman who cuts my hair (same woman who always cuts it) asked me what's wrong, because she said I'm not my "normal bubbly self." I told her about my very good friend dying yesterday, and that must be it. But ya know, it's 2 days now. Sad should go faster than depression, don't you think?

I guess I'm just kinda paranoid -- I'm always on the lookout, scared of falling into another depression, because depression equals bipolar depressive episode, and we don't want that happening, now, do we? This "sad" thing, now that's a new thing for me -- I mean, the "sad being a healthy thing" idea.

Ok, so how do I "health-ily" get through it? Because I don't really like the way I'm feeling. It sure would be nice to be over this. See, I used to not let anyone get close to me at all -- that way, no one gets close, I don't have to feel, I don't get hurt. See how that works? Now, things are different, thanks to my therapist. Now, I am supposedly emotionally healthy -- translate: I let people get close to me, I care about them, i.e., I risk being hurt. She says it's healthy. I say it's scary. Who likes getting hurt?

But, hey, look at the alternative. I was in my late 40's before I actually started caring about people, I guess. That's alot of loneliness. Now I have a wonderful husband who loves me very much, and who also has BP, so he can truly understand what I go thru on a daily basis, and even understand ME! which is a hard thing in itself. But God love him, how he tries.

So I'm not lonely any more. And I do care. And yes, I risk being hurt. Like when Joe died yesterday. It hurt like hell, I won't kid you. It hurts even more today, if you can believe that. But what if I didn't care? What if I was still the automaton I used to be? Going around with this big wall around myself, thinking that if I don't care about anyone then I can't get hurt. Well, let me tell you -- I still got hurt plenty.

This way, I have joy in my life. A wonderful husband, a wonderful marriage, a wonderful life, great kids who love me, and I love them and can finally express that. I couldn't ask for a more blessed life.

So even tho I'm sad over Joe's death, I'm happy about a whole lot of other things. And it doesn't have to be such totally extreme moods these days -- it can be just normal emotions. And that is good news.

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele