SURVIVOR VS. STATISTIC

Hey, y'all--

A girlfriend of mine, who battles the same issues as I do, used a phrase in one of her emails the other day that made me think. Actually, made me want to steal the phrase and use it myself! LOL

Anyway, the phrase is: "SURVIVOR VS. STATISTIC."

Lately, as y'all know, I have had my sister on my mind quite a bit, since April 15 was the one-year anniversary of her death. I hate to think of her as just a statistic. It sounds so cold. But, in fact, she is just that. Just another suicide statistic. A flat number, where there was once a beautiful, vivacious woman. One suicide statistic of many others in this country.

To those of you who are struggling with suicide right now, please think about this. As I've said many times, "Suicide is never an option to a healthy mind." So if you are thinking about suicide, your mind is not healthy right now, and you need help. Please, please, tell someone what you are thinking. And/or go to www.fordeb.com, the website my sister's husband set up in memory of my sister, Deb. Read about others who were left behind when their loved one decided to kill themselves. Think it through--don't just think about the pain you're feeling now. Think about the pain you will cause your loved ones after you die.

People who are thinking about suicide are in such enormous pain that they see no other option. But there is always at least one other option--they just cannot see it. The thing is, they have to stay alive until the next day to see it. Are you willing to wait just one more day to find out what that option is? Curiosity would get the better of me! And in many cases, it did! I just thought, as I was about to kill myself, "What if tomorrow is different?" And just that one thought kept me from killing myself that day. And you know what? Things really did seem different the next day! That "One Day at a Time" expression they use in AA really does work. Some days I've had to work it one hour at a time on my depression (suicidal thoughts), but it does work.

The main question is, do you just want to be another statistic? To have your whole life washed away in one second--the one second in which you kill yourself? To have your life not count for anything? Like you never even mattered? Like you were never even here? To be just another statistic? Do you hate your life that much? Do you hate yourself that much? Do you hate your family that much? (because you have to think about what you are about to do to them, about the tremendous amount of pain you are about to inflict upon them, for the rest of their lives!).

It's your choice. You can choose to be just another cold meaningless statistic... or you can choose to be a survivor. A survivor, whether a survivor of sexual or physical abuse, alcoholism and/or drug abuse, Bipolar Disorder, or suicide... A survivor is someone who has been to hell and back and lived to tell the story. A survivor can help other people in a way that no one else can. Because they know what it's like.

Break the silence. Let people know that you have tried it, or at least that you have thought about it. They need to know that they are not the only one who has thought of it--because right now, as they are thinking about suicide, they are most likely thinking that they are the only person in the world who feels like they do. And you are in the unique position to tell them that THEY ARE NOT ALONE!

There are many of us on this site that have tried suicide, and lived to be SURVIVORS!! instead of statistics, but for the grace of God. So, if you are thinking of suicide, please talk to us first. We really do know how you are feeling. And especially if you have Bipolar Disorder--it is one of the symptoms of the disorder and, however strange it seems, is a "normal" thing to deal with when you have BP. JUST DON'T DO IT!!

And always remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. God loves you, and so do we.
Love,
Michele

Give Yourself a Break

Hey, y'all--

I've been thinking about something this week that I wanted to share with you. It's the concept of giving yourself a break--not being so hard on yourself. If you're anything like me, you tend to expect more from yourself than anyone else expects from you, and you probably even expect more from yourself than you expect of anyone else. You give breaks to other people that you just don't give to yourself. In other words, you don't give yourself the same "priviledge" that you extend to other people of allowing yourself to be human!

Such a simple concept, isn't it? But part of having BP means that, at least in some cases, and for at least part of our lives, we have spent much energy hiding our disorder. Some, to the extent that we couldn't allow ourselves the same privilege that other people have (those who don't have BP) of being human. We have had to be something "more" than "just human," in order to hide our disorder, in order to "appear normal." And that is sad, so very sad. But true, for most of us.

Some of us, like me, have decided to "come out of the closet" and do disclose that we have BP. Some still think it is easier not to tell. I'm not going to "take sides" here. There is an argument to be made for either side. In my case, I have become very vocal about BP, "turning the tables" on it, so to speak. I have taken control over it, instead of the other way around, which is the way it used to be--my silence gave the BP control over me. Now I speak to the health classes in the local high school about Bipolar Disorder, hoping to help teenagers identify the disorder in themselves, their (undiagnosed) parents, and their friends, so that they don't have to go through what I did before I was diagnosed at 45 yrs old.

At any rate, what I was thinking about this week was simply that I should give myself a break. I do tend to expect more from myself than I expect from anyone else. Sometimes I push myself too hard, and that is dangerous for someone with BP. You can push yourself right into a manic episode if you're not careful. I've learned that when I have a project to do, for example (this week I have been "spring cleaning"), to break it down into shorter segments, instead of trying to do it all in one day. In the "old days", I would keep going, to the extreme of not sleeping, to get a project done, and once I hit the no sleep part, well, the mania would just walk right in my front door! But I know better now. Even though sometimes I have to force myself to stop, I know that I do have to stop, because I will not allow a manic episode to happen to me if I can help it!

So... I give myself a break. I took the big S off my T-shirt, finally admitting I am not Superwoman. I found out there is a God, and I'm not Him. I have accepted that I do have limitations, and I function within those limitations. I give myself credit for what I do get done (even though sometimes just getting out of bed is the most I can do!), and give myself permission to leave things undone at the end of the day. Hey--that's a biggie, believe it or not! There was a time, before I was diagnosed, put on the right medication and stabilized, when I absolutely could not sleep at night if there was even one thing not done from my to-do list!

Now YOU try it! Just as an experiment... just for today--give yourself permission to let things go. If you get everything done, fine. If you don't, THAT'S OK!! Give yourself the same break that you would give anyone else. REMIND YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN. It's the first step in learning how to love yourself. When Jesus was telling the people about the two Greatest Commandments, the second one He said was, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Most people get the "Love thy neighbor" part, but fail to remember the "as thyself" part. You cannot love your neighbor unless you also love yourself. Don't argue with me--hey, Jesus is the one who said it!! Even God wants you to love yourself!

So stop being so hard on yourself. You are only human after all! It really is ok that you are not perfect! And "normal" is just a setting on a washing machine!

Remember that God loves you (and wants you to love yourself, too), and so do I!
Love,
Michele

Life in 5 Short Chapters

Hey, y'all--

Found something I thought you might enjoy. It certainly describes my life!

Life in Five Short Chapters

Chapter One:
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless. It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place. It isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is still there.
I still fall in...it's a habit.
My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I WALK AROUND IT.

Chapter Five:
I walk down another street.
_________________________________________

Sounds just like me. Takes me a long time to get things sometimes...like I always have to learn things the hard way. The good news is, once I learn my lesson, I really learn my lesson!

Well, I had my procedure at the hospital (endoscopy/colonoscopy) and stomach biopsies, so I won't know the results till Mon. or Tues. In the meantime, they're just calling it irritable bowel syndrome. So I said, "You mean like the commercial where all the women pick up their shirts and there's magic marker all over their bellies?" Oh well, at least I thought it was funny (NOT!). Anyway, will write again when I know what's happening.

Remember, God loves you and so do I.
Love, Michele