ECT: 3 down, 3 to go

Well, I'm halfway through my course of ECT, and thought I'd report on my progress. After the first session, I felt great! Not even any memory loss. And the depression had abated. However, it came back. As did migraines. But I have to keep believing that this will help me--I just couldn't stand being that depressed all the time anymore. I've had 3 sessions, and I have 3 more to go. I have had some problems with memory, but not as much as I thought I would. Mostly just having problems keeping straight what day of the week it is. I feel like I'm in a sort of limbo... not quite as depressed as I was, but not as happy as I'd wish I could be. After the last two treatments, I didn't even know I'd already had them! I thought I was still waiting to be taken in, but it was already over with! I had no memory of them putting me to sleep, or taking me down, or anything. Just waking up and being told it was time to go home. The biggest change I can tell is that I've stopped crying (I was crying all the time before the treatments).

My doctor is very optimistic, says I'm doing well. I've just been a little confused about what day of the week it is, little things like that. But ECT is definitely not as bad as I thought it would be. Just maybe I'm hoping for a quicker response. Maybe I expect too much, I don't know. I'll have my 4th treatment tomorrow morning, and maybe I'll know better then. Anything is better than the way I was feeling before--I just couldn't stop crying then. At least that has stopped. And I'll be done before the holidays, so hopefully I'll be able to enjoy the holidays.

I'll keep you posted!
Michele

Practice Living in Today

Hey, y'all--

I know you read this blog for bipolar, but I just wanted to share what someone said in my AA meeting today--I think it's relevant for BP as well:

I was sharing about my upcoming ECT, and in response he reminded me that "none of us is promised tomorrow." I remember that, because I know it comes from the Bible. And he went on to tell me to take it one day at a time, which you know is a popular theme in any 12-step program (and good advice just for life in general, even if you're not in a 12-step program)--but he added something, which is what I wanted to share--

He said: PRACTICE LIVING IN TODAY.

Now, that may not be a big deal to y'all, but it's a big deal to me, because that's where most of my problems lie. I worry so much about tomorrow, next week, next year, etc. and that's what stresses me out--in fact, that's what one of my BP triggers is--when I find myself getting too worked up about something happening in the future, I can be pushed into a bipolar episode.

And usually it is something over which I have no control, anyway, and definitely no control over at the moment (today), because I'm not even there yet. See what I mean? I know at least some of you can relate to that.

PRACTICE LIVING IN TODAY seems so simple at first reading, but think about it--if you knew you had today, and only today, what would you do? How would you change your life? Who would you call? (and why haven't you done it yet?)

See what I mean? PRACTICE LIVING IN TODAY. Don't worry about tomorrow, because it isn't even here yet, and you can't do anything about your problem/situati0n/crisis today. Let it go. Live today to the fullest, and leave the future to God. He knows what He's doing.

Remember, you are not alone--God is with you.

Michele

ECT is a GO

Well, y'all, the ECT is a go. First treatment is Wed., and I'm scheduled for 6 treatments. I've been keeping a journal about how I feel about it, thoughts, things I anticipate possibly forgetting (like email password, SS#, and such). I think I'll just call it a Memory Book--you know, like put pictures of my sons in there, and write, "These are your children. You love them very much." Or, pictures of a beer bottle and a bottle of pills, with the words, "These are drugs and alcohol. They are bad for you. You don't do them." Speaking of which, in discussing the subject of memory loss with the doctor, I asked her, "I don't suppose there's any chance I'll forget that I'm an alcoholic and drug addict, is there?" I was actually only half-kidding. But she said no, that that's not how it works. Too bad.

So I asked her for an example of what the memory loss will be like, cuz that's my biggest fear, and she said, "Well, for instance, you won't remember having been here, in my office." She told me she's done over 10,000 of these treatments, so I would tend to believe her, but that seems like a pretty specific thing for her to know--I would guess it's a pretty frequent occurrence with her ECT patients, then. I asked what the procedure will be like, and she told me. It was a bit unsettling (like the fact that they will be paralyzing my body), but I am determined to go ahead with the ECT anyway.

I just keep thinking that anything is better than the way my life is now. Just the idea of "happy" is seductive in itself, considering I have never been happy in my whole life. Isn't that tragic? I have never known what happy is. I guess it's like trying to explain the color blue to someone who has been blind their whole life. And now I'm being offered an opportunity to have the very thing I have longed for. So what if I have to pay a small price for it with my memory? Most of my memories aren't exactly great, anyway, and I'd gladly trade them for anything even close to happiness. Gosh, I can't even imagine what that will feel like. Other people take it for granted, but truly, I have spent most of my life depressed.

And I have been constantly depressed, crying every day, since my sister killed herself in April. I talked to my brother-in-law the other night, and he said it's about time I started living again. He's right--I still haven't gotten over her death, I haven't had any kind of life, I haven't "moved on" with my life. I've just been kinda stuck in April 15th, like a bad episode of Twilight Zone. Hopefully, the ECT will shock me back into reality, and give me a fresh start on life. That would be awesome.

Maybe I'll even be able to fall in love...something else I've never experienced. Do you believe it? 47 years old, and never been in love. Married, yes. In love, no. Dare I even hope?

I know I'm putting alot of expectations into the ECT treatments as a kind of salvation for me, but it's really the last hope I have of having any kind of a normal life...of having any happiness at all...of ever experiencing love. So, yes, I am expecting alot out of ECT. Maybe my hopes will be dashed, but at least I had the courage to hope, something I haven't had in a very, very long time.

Here's hoping,
Michele