Even on the Worst Day...

Hey, y'all--
Please forgive me for not posting for so long. I really have no excuse but busy. But even that is no excuse, and I promise I will do better. I've been reading alot lately. Next to yard sales, it's my favorite thing to do. Really! I guess because before I was stabilized on medication I could never concentrate, was off the walls all the time, could never stay in one place for long, could never finish a project, and could definitely NOT read a book. If I did attempt it, I would find myself reading the same paragraph over and over, because I would notice that my mind had drifted (again). It was so frustrating! I hated that I wasn't able to read for so long. I mean, it was bad enough that the bipolar kicked my butt so bad in all the other areas of my life, and for so long, ya know? I think we all went thru that (or are going thru that right now).

I think the worst thing is the damaged relationships, don't you? Or at least that's tied for number one, right up there with the loss of your sanity! I used to kid around and say to people, "I've lost my mind. If you find it, please return it to me, as I've grown very fond of it, and would appreciate its return." I really did say that! And say it with a smile, I did. It took some of the sting out. But people still looked at me like I was crazy (which I was), trying to figure out if I was serious or not (which I was). Well, maybe I was only half-serious. But things sure were crazy for a while, back there in the beginning. So when I had to go thru the medication merry-go-round for two years, I hated having to give up, or struggle with, those things I loved most.

I didn't have any friends (I had pushed them away many years ago, if I ever had them to begin with), so I didn't have to worry about that. And, by then, things in my family were...well, let's just say...for lack of a better word...crazy? The only ones still talking to me were my mother and sister, and they both had bipolar, too! So, you can just imagine the conversations, can't you?

Anyway, it's ok to go back and think about how things were in the beginning, IF I use it to remind myself of how far I've come in my recovery. Any more than that, and I become sad, and that is dangerous, because with this dragon called bipolar, that waits patiently in the shadows, waiting for me to visit it, waiting for just that vulnerable time, for me to let down my guard... if I become depressed, even just your everyday, "normal", garden-variety, depression...well, I just can't let myself go there for very long. I just can't! Because I just won't let this disease get the best of me again. Like I said before, it really kicked my butt. And right now, I am the one doing the butt-kicking, and I want it to stay that way. So, I may let myself stay on the pity-pot for a little while, but not long. Too chancy for me.

So, I heard this quote, and I wanted to share it with you. "Even on the worst day, the sun will still set." I thought about it in relation to my recovery from substance abuse--that if I should want a drink or drug, and you know we say "One day at a time," well, for me at times in the past it was "one HOUR at a time," if that compulsion to drink or drug should ever return... well, I can just think of that quote, and if I can just (hour by hour, if necessary) get thru the day till it's time to go to bed, I will make it. At least thru this day. Tomorrow I'll worry about tomorrow.

But then I thought of that quote in relation to bipolar disorder. "Even on the worst day, the sun will still set." Especially with thoughts of suicide. Don't know about y'all, but when I am in an episode (not manic, but depressed, usually), I don't want to be suicidal, but the thoughts are still there. And sometimes it's all I can do just to get thru the day not doing it. Just not doing it today.

Sometimes just getting thru today is the best we can do. And that's ALL we can do. So what? There were times during my bipolar depressions that I didn't think I could even get thru the next 5 minutes without committing suicide! And I wanted to shout to the world, "Leave me alone! I didn't kill myself today, what more do you want from me!" Really, cuz they just couldn't understand how big a deal that was for me, ya know?

And I worked my way up from that. One day I actually made it from the bed to the couch. If I'da been able to bake, I'da made myself a cake to celebrate. I mean, that day was really a big deal. But not as big a deal as the day I was able to actually leave the house and go to the grocery store. Wow--what incredible progress!

So, maybe if we look back today, and see how far we've come with this disorder... we won't be so overwhelmed at how far we still have to go. Remember, we are survivors--we WILL make it thru this day. No matter what your thoughts are, you do NOT have to kill yourself TODAY--just TODAY. And always remember--you are not alone!

Michele

Just an OK Day

Hey, y'all--
Was just sitting here thinking I wanted to post on here and see how everyone was doing... wanted to share what was up with me and all...and thought, well, nothing is really new! No real pearls of wisdom to share or anything. Just an OK day. But then I thought, these days "just an OK day" is great! I remember going through that last episode and wondering if I would ever make it to "just an OK day" ever again, and what I would give for "just an OK day." For me, an OK day is everyone else's (people who don't have bipolar) normal day. But my OK day is a great day for me--a day when I don't have a high high or a low low...when everything just kinda goes smoothly and there's no drama or chaos, ya know? Before being diagnosed with bipolar, my life was overwhelmed with drama. Some people even called me a drama queen. Imagine that! LOL

These days, peace is my companion, serenity my friend. I am so grateful to have a great support system and to finally have a "sanity cocktail" (group of medications) that works for me so that I have good stability again, so that I am able to say I am having "just an OK day." And, dare I hope??? Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow may be "just an OK day" too. Wow. Two days in a row. Ya think? For now I'll just take one day at a time. Anything else is too much. But I'm glad today is ok.

Tyler and I went to our local used book and CD store today, our favorite thing to do together, and that was really nice. He's driving now, got his permit (pray for me! JK)...so he enjoyed driving us there, and we had a really good talk. I'm working on not interrupting him, which is going very well, cuz one of the problems with bipolar is the impulsivity and talking too much. So he pointed that out to me, that I interrupt him all the time, and that's why he was getting angry with me so much. So I've been consciously working on not doing that, and believe it or not, we've actually stopped fighting! I can't believe it was something as simple as that. But it's working, and I'm grateful.

Well, I hope y'all are having an OK day, too. Check in, ok? Let me know what's going on with y'all, what's new, how you're doing with your bipolar, etc. Much too quiet out there! :)

Michele

Medic Alert Bracelet

Hey, y'all--
Hope you had a good holiday, and not too stressful. Mine was spent in the emergency room, with raised hives from head to toe! Allergic reaction, but they don't know from what. So I had to be off my meds for 2 days and without sleep for 2 nights because they had me on steroids and antihistamines which would have interfered with my meds. It was ok, tho, cuz I know from past experience that 2 days (but only 2 days) is ok for me. 3 days, however, is not. 3 days equals episode, and I told the doc that. First, because of the loss of sleep, which is bad enough, but then coupled with not being able to take my BP meds...but having learned the hard way in the past, I knew enough to speak up to the emergency room doc and it definitely influenced how she treated me. This is why I wanted y'all to know what happened to me--because you may be in the same situation in the future.

First of all, any new medications you are prescribed MUST be measured against your current medications and checked for any possible adverse drug reactions. If there are, check with your doctor and/or psychiatrist before going off any of your bipolar meds, even for one day. The only reason I knew I could go off mine for 2 days was because I have already been through this before, over other medication.

Normally for an extreme allergic reaction like I had, the prescribed course of antihistamines and steroids would have been longer, the dosage lower. The amount of medications would have been less as well. But because of my being so vocal about my bipolar, and saying that I had already lost one day and could only afford one more day without my bipolar medication, 1) the doctor was much more aggressive. 2) Instead of one medication, she used 3. 3) Instead of spreading out the treatment time, she made it a day and a half.

And it worked! And I also avoided an episode. But it brought up another point. I noticed on another website the following:

"Rachel, a member of our forums asked a fantastic question, "I wondered if anyone wears a medical id bracelet for bipolar disorder or anxiety disorders and to also indicate that they are on medication. Is this a good idea? Would it be too 'revealing' to have it sorta hanging out there...having your wrist state 'Hi, I'm Bipolar on Meds.'" Other members responded with their thoughts and suggestions."

I know I had just asked y'all about the tell or not to tell idea and had gotten about 50/50 feedback, but I'm seriously considering the idea of wearing a MedicAlert bracelet for my bipolar. What if the allergic reaction I had were worse, and I were unconscious? Wouldn't I want the hospital to know about my bipolar? I mean, I would definitely wear it for diabetes, wouldn't I? What if I were in a car accident, hospitalized, unable to speak for myself? I would at least want them to know about what medications I'm on, if nothing else.

What do y'all think about the idea of wearing a MedicAlert bracelet for bipolar?