Don't Enable Others
Hey, y'all --
I just wanted to write a quick post on not enabling others.
My son called last night. Now, this is my 18-yr-old who just moved out a short time ago, wouldn't listen to any of my advice, moved in with a couple of friends, is still without a job.
We're getting ready to go to Florida for a couple of weeks, and trying to decide what to do with our dog. It would cost about $175 to board her, but we have a friend who said he would house sit and watch her for free.
Now my son called (desperate-sounding) and asked if he could do it, so we could pay him instead, and that he really needs the money. Now, if we did that, we would be enabling him. My response was, Greg will do it for free, and he (my son) needs to get a job.
I could just let my son do it. I could pay him the money. But what incentive then would he have to get a job? He could just keep putting it off, take my money, and be lazy for another few weeks.
I know I probably sound like a terrible mom, but he's got to get it together.
It's like having a drug addict for a son (not that my son is, I'm definitely not saying that). So he comes to me and asks for money and says it's for food. If I just give him the money, I'm enabling him, because he'll just take the money and buy drugs with it. That's enabling.
On the other hand, I could just take the money and buy him food with it. That's being smart. That's NOT enabling him.
So I don't really want to give my son the money to watch the dog (house sit), because that would be enabling him. He really needs to just get a job.
But this is really hard for me, because I love him, and I hate to see him in this position.
So enabling is harder to do than to talk about. I never said it was easy. Take it from someone who is having to go through it.
Anyway, I wish you peace and stability.
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
posted by Michele @ 4:50 AM
3 comments
3 Comments:
I totally agree with you. My sister, who is not bipolar that we know of yet (it wouldn't suprise me...) was going through a rough patch. Newly widowed (which was not a bad thing actually), tried to commit suicide (partly a pity party) and fighting a criminal charge (due to dead husband's adventures).
She would be totally content living with my parents for free, indulging in her self-pity, and "why me?". They refused to do it. She needed watched, so she lives at home, but they encouraged her to get a job, which she did, a full-time job with a shift she actually likes! She is required to pay rent, only $200/month since she has debts to pay. And she does it. They bailed her out of jail, which she owes them for and they are collecting on it. She has to pay insurance and gas on the car she was borrowing, and decided to be adult and just purchase from them. Which they are also collecting on. Smart parents.
They refused to be "enablers". We all were expected to grow up and be responsible for our own choices and mistakes. You are doing exactly what you need to do. Although he is bipolar too, he is an "adult" and will either wise up to the consequences now or be miserable until later. But eventually he WILL learn.
Thank you for your blog. I know I have said it before, but I so appreciate having someone who has been dealing with this a lot longer than I have both as a supporter and first-hand to remind me that you CAN live with it!
Your doing the right thing. At some point he has to learn to stand on his own two feet.
Thank you, girls, for your support. You have no idea how hard this is for me (with my son), but having you there helps me get thru it. Thanks again. Just goes to show again how we're here to help each other.
Michele
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