ECT Again

Hey, y'all--

Well, here I go again...another round of ECT. I've been really depressed, and, well, just couldn't pull out of it this time. I was so frustrated, because after having gone through ECT back in November I thoughtI would never have to do it again. Actually, I thought, rather, naively, that I would never go through another BP depressive episode again. Even tho I know better.

I called my psych when I recognized the symptoms, and spoke to his nurse, who relayed the message. When she called me back, she said he wanted to up my BP med dose. I was reluctant to do it this time, as it would be such a high dose; what I consider an "institutionalized dose." So I asked if I couldn't just do a shortened course of ECT, and my psych said ok if the ECT doc agreed, which she did.

Tomorrow is my first day of ECT. I only have to do 4 this time, 5 if I'm still not doing better. I've still remained highly functional during this mini-episode, which has made it all the more frustrating, as I seem to be just fine during the day, but by nighttime, I'm tearful and very depressed. At least I'm no longer suicidal, as my sister's suicide pretty much cured me of that.

The thing is, tho, that I'm feeling scared about tomorrow, and I don't understand why. I mean, I've been through this before. I know what to expect. So why should I be nervous? The only thing I could liken it to is childbirth--like you remember there was pain involved, but you "forgot" it as soon as the baby was placed in your arms--and you are just left with the thought that it was worth it, no matter what it took. I feel kinda like that--I vaguely remember the experience, and I do have the thought that whatever it took, it was worth it, as I was happy and episode-free for 6 months. But I don't actually remember the ECT.

I was really getting down on myself, feeling like I was letting everyone down by falling into depression again, and a girlfriend (another BP, and a fantastic woman) told me, "We are high-functioning people, but we are not perfectly-functioning people." She reminded me to give myself the same break I give others who have BP, something that is hard for me to do. But I am going to try. I just have to keep in mind that this is a matter of chemical imbalance, and not something I am responsible for; it is something out of my control, and not something that I caused. Just like I tell everyone else, this is not my fault. Don't you hate when your own words come back to haunt you? :)

I'll try to blog thru the treatments, and keep you informed.

Remember, God loves you, and so do I.
Love, Michele