Happens to the Best of Us

Hey, y'all--
Sorry I haven't written in so long. And, sorry I have to disappoint you. But, as always, I have to be honest. Like the title says, "Happens to the best of us," I have been cycling again. Yeppers-- I am a rapid cycling BP, and have been cycling in and out of my bipolar for the past few weeks. And, kicking myself in my own butt so you don't have to do it, that was exactly when I should have been writing, but instead I just holed up in my house and didn't write at all, and for that I'm sorry. So now I'll have to play catch up.

Last post I wrote what was happening at the time, and said how every day something new was happening. Well, that just kept continuing, until I just "went off." I got really depressed, because of that helpless feeling--you know, the one all of us are familiar with--the one where you want to be able to control things around you, but you can't. Like that line from the Serenity Prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..." Well, I just wasn't getting that serenity, no matter how many times I prayed. And just when I would start to climb back up out of the depression, something else would push me back down.

The last day was that my girlfriend drove her jeep into a ditch. Yeah, just a couple days after I'd been told that my brother-in-law (my sister who killed herself) is going to die--3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years, don't know. And that came right after that episode where my son was almost arrested. And right after my own ER episode where they took stomach biopsies to see if I had cancer myself. Nothing but fun, for almost a month, every day something new, like I said. Until finally, it was too much, and I gave in to the depression, and I called my psychiatrist, because I knew I was in an episode, because I know my triggers, and the behaviors that follow. I knew my meds were failing.

My psych wanted to up my medication, but I didn't wanna do that because then I would be on an institutionalized dose--I may as well be a walking zombie for the rest of my life! So I asked, instead, if I could go for a maintenance dose of the ECT, just 4 treatments instead of 8, and he agreed. Like I've always preached to y'all--you need to get a psychiatrist who will listen to you and will work with you as part of your treatment team. I am so lucky I have such a good one. So I met with the ECT doc (another part of my treatment team), and I'll be going back for ECT in June. The only reason I'm waiting till then is cuz my middle son is coming down from NY to see me this Thurs and staying for a week. So, I'm excited about that (altho that news did send me into mania, but I'm back stable right now).

Anyway, I'll try to write more thru this episode, for honesty's sake, and for your sake, especially for those of you who are supporters to loved ones who have bipolar, so you can see for yourselves the real, moment-by-moment, ins and outs of someone actually going thru an actual episode. Also, you can click on my articles section, and read the two articles I wrote the last time I had episodes--one while in a depressive episode and one while in a manic episode, and that might help you see into the mind of someone with bipolar as well.

Until next post then, remember that God loves you, and so do I.
Love, Michele