Whatever It Takes

Hey, y'all--

Sorry I haven't written. Having a bit of the blues. It just frustrates me, makes me mad, even--thought it wouldn't happen any more, now that I had the ECT and all. And intellectually I recognize what everyone tells me about it-- yeah, I'm human, and yeah, I'm like everyone else and yeah, everyone gets the blues, etc. etc. But emotionally, it's still a bummer when I do. I hate this feeling. I feel like I go two steps forward and one step back, ya know? And even tho my house is a wreck and needs to be cleaned, and the mail has piled up, and I haven't checked my email in days, and...and...all I really wanna do is crawl into bed, turn off my phone, eat sunflower seeds and read a book. Boy, aren't I a great example of a bipolar survivor, huh?

But the truth is, this does still happen here and there. Yes, I have bipolar, and yes, I did have shock treatments (ECT) to control it, and yes, they did work, and yes, I am still on my bipolar medication, and yes, it is still keeping me stable. But will I still experience depression from time to time? Unfortunately, yes. But nothing like I was before. And that's a big deal for me. I'll do whatever it takes to never go back there again.

When I get depressed now, all I have to do is remind myself of what I felt and what I thought before I had the ECT, and then I am willing to do whatever it takes to never go back there again. Even if that means I give myself permission to hide in bed with my sunflower seeds and a book! Even if I want to take a day off from the world outside my door. Yes, I give myself permission to do that. And I've learned that that is ok. Really. It's ok. The world is not going to stop turning just because I left the dishes in the sink till tomorrow... or not checked my email for an extra day. Or not opened the mail today.

But by giving myself permission to take a day off, I may very well be avoiding another episode. And that is what matters to me. Sometimes that is what it takes to ride out the depression. And I have to be optimistic--thinking, "Tomorrow will be better." No one knows what tomorrow will bring. So it's ok to think, "Tomorrow will be better." Who knows that it won't? But isn't it better to go to sleep thinking that tomorrow will be better? I've found that that really does work for me. And, even those times when the next day turned out not to be better, well, hey--at least I gave it a shot, and that's better than nothing, huh? It's still a way that I am controlling my disorder, and not my disorder controlling me.

Remember, God loves you and so do I!
Michele