InnerCircle Forum Member Commits Suicide

Hey, y'all--

In all my posts I try to carry a positive message, as I always try to be a positive person; however, that may not be so in this post. See, one of my online "friends" killed herself, and I am very grieved, and very angry over it. "Amy" (not her real name, out of respect for the grieving family) was one of us, you see. She was posting on the InnerCircle Forum on the Suicide section, and I had been posting with her and trying to talk her out of killing herself. We had also been exchanging emails back and forth, and I was trying to helpl her that way. It hurt so much that I wasn't able to help her (translate: stop her).

Amy's death brought back all my feelings about my sister's death. In fact, Amy's funeral was on the same day as the day my sister killed herself, 2 yrs ago. 2 yrs ago - you'd think I'd be over it by now, wouldn't you, but the pain is still as acute today as it was then. I still miss my sister so horribly. And I cry for Amy as much as I cried for my sister. And I am just as angry at how unnecessary both deaths were - because both of them had BP, and both of them had gone off their medications, and both of them then killed themselves. So how can I think anything but the fact that had they stayed on their meds, they would still be alive today? And that, dear friends, makes me very angry.

When I have counseled other people in the same position, I tell them that it isn't their fault that their loved one killed themselves, that there was nothing that they could've done to stop them, that the person was going to do what they were going to do anyway, etc., etc. And I have always been sincere in my consolation. But now this is the second time this has happened to me. And I can't help but feel that these are just empty phrases. Because I am so angry! So angry at the uselessness of it all! This just so didn't have to happen! It at least didn't have to happen AGAIN!

I am so mad at the disease itself! Yeah, I'm mad at BP itself. I'm mad at the fact that I have it, you have it, your loved one has it, my mom has it, my sister had it, Amy had it, that all the people in the world have it, that the 2.5 MILLION people in the US have it... and especially mad at all the people who have it that go off their meds!!! Because that's like a time bomb!!! Because, like the NIMH statistics quote, 20% of them WILL KILL THEMSELVES!!! That means 2 out of 10 of them! Well, those 2 out of 10 became my sister and Amy for me! 2 people that I knew! What about 2 people that YOU knew/know! Doesn't this hit close to home now for you?

I am so angry! And I want YOU to be as angry as I am! I want this to hit as close to home for you as it does for me now! If YOU or YOUR LOVED ONE is thinking of going off your meds, or has already gone off your meds, THINK ABOUT MY SISTER AND AMY!!! Think about that ticking time bomb!!! Because this is REAL now, people!!! This isn't just some article in some psychiatric journal!!! This is REAL LIFE!

Bipolar Disorder isn't some rinky-dink quiet little mental disorder out there, not really touching you, now, is it? Bipolar Disorder KILLS PEOPLE!!! And it can KILL YOU! And it can KILL YOUR LOVED ONE!!!

I was going to say I'm sorry for getting on my soapbox, and for yelling so much, but I will not apologize. I won't! Somebody has to make this real for you. Somebody has to tell you about the statistics. Somebody has to show you that BP really CAN KILL! And all because you go off your medications. Because when you go off your medications, even tho at first things seem better, it won't be long before things get worse, really, really worse--and before long, you WILL become suicidal. In fact, you may, or may even probably, hear voices that will tell you to kill yourself. Both my sister and Amy did! And I have talked to many, many other people with BP who went off their medications (including myself and my husband, who both have BP) who did!

Protect yourself! And protect your loved one! STAY ON YOUR MEDICATIONS! No matter how hard it is sometimes! And I know how hard that is, believe me! It took them TWO YEARS to get me stabilized!! We had to try different medications, and different dosages of medications, before we found the right "medication cocktail" that works for me. But it was worth it!! I have been stable, and high-functioning, for several years now. IT WAS WORTH IT! Please, be patient. Work with your medical professionals. I promise you, it will be worth it. I can tell you that because not only do I have BP, but I am married to someone with BP, and he says the same thing. So I can tell you that it is not without its trials, especially when you are married to someone who has it, but that it IS worth it.

Please, please, think about everything I have said in this post. It IS worth it, even the side-effects are worth it (and there are things you can do about the side-effects; just ask your doctor) -- because YOU are worth it!!! And because YOU can manage the disorder, instead of the disorder managing YOU!!!

Please keep reading these posts, because I DO care about you -- and post on here yourself. I'd love to hear from you.
Until then,
Remember that God loves you, and so do I!
Love, Michele