Bipolar Survivor

LAST POST HERE - MOVING TO NEW SPACE!!!

2009-03-23T15:31:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Just wanted to remind you that this is going to be my last post here - the next post will be at my new space at: www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarsurvivorblog

I hope everyone will follow me over there!

I think you'll like it. It's already up, and it looks a little bit different, but it'll be easier to post comments there, and easier to read. Also, all my old posts will follow over, too, so you can still read on any topic you want, all the way back to 2005!

So, c'mon down to: www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarsurvivorblog and join me on Thursday!!!

Ok, so on to today's topic.

Somebody was talking to me about friendship and bipolar disorder. She was saying how hard it was to have or keep a friend if you have the disorder.

At first I got real defensive, thinking that wasn't true, but then I started agreeing with her. I have found it to be true, for the most part, in my life.

I have one friend, but we have been friends since 10th grade (over 35 yrs ago). Then I have another friend, who is like my sister, but she only understands me because she also has a mental disorder. Neither one lives where I do.

Where I live, I have absolutely no one but my husband, and he is my best friend. I'm very lucky, and I count my blessings every day. Because, as most of you know, he also has bipolar disorder, so he understands what it's like to live with "the dragon."

We don't have any friends, tho. Nobody else we can go out with, just for dinner or whatever.

No one else seems to "get" us. And we're not even that weird! (just sorta)

It's a good thing we're best friends, because we have to hang around each other alot, and we are each other's best entertainment.

But I was thinking about all of you, wondering if you've run into the same thing. Do people treat you different when they find out that you have bipolar disorder?

Have you been able to find and make friends? Have you been able to keep friends?

Or does it seem to not matter to other people in your case?

I'd really like some feedback on this one.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele
ps. See you next post at: www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarsurvivorblog

I'M MOVING!!!!! The Blog is Moving Next Week!!!

2009-03-19T13:47:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Just wanted to give you enough notice -- I'M MOVING!!! I should say, THIS BLOG IS MOVING NEXT WEEK!!! So write down the new address, which will be: www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarsurvivorblog

I hope everyone comes with me. Nothing will change. I promise you, everything will be the same. Same old me, same old blog. Just a different address. I'll blog one more time on here to make sure other people get the new blog address before I move, but get the word out:
I'M MOVING!!! THE BLOG IS MOVING NEXT WEEK!!!

I've been writing for www.bipolarcentral.com for 4 years now. I can't believe I haven't done this sooner. I guess I just didn't know how (someone else did this one for me), then I just got comfortable here.

But now... I'M MOVING... THIS BLOG IS MOVING NEXT WEEK!!!

Well...have I done enough advertising yet? I hope so, because I'm tired. At least you'll only have one more blog to go through with this, then I'll be on the new website (www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarsurvivorblog) and will be there forever. I really hope everyone follows me there.

Anyway, it's amazing what a big difference a small change can make.

I had a week of a bit of depression (yeah, tell me you didn't notice)...

And I told my psychiatrist about it, and he tweaked one of my meds just a little bit, and you wouldn't believe the difference! Like I said, what a big difference a small change can make!

The depression was gone completely within 48 hours!!!

It taught me a lesson, though. I had gotten complacent. And a bit conceited, I think.

I thought, I guess, that it couldn't happen. And it certainly couldn't happen to ME!

I mean, I had been so stable for so long, and I never saw this depression coming. I was just feeling so good, you know? Like, what was there to be depressed about? My life is really good, I love what I do for www.bipolarcentral.com, I love speaking for NAMI and touching others with my personal story, helping other people with bipolar disorder...

I have a fantasically wonderful husband...3 great kids...I love my house in the peaceful mountains...and I even have the cutest dog. I talk to my mom almost every day, and she really helps me with my stability, too, cuz she has bipolar too.

And I have this blog, and all of you!

Oh, and don't let me leave out my great doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist, and all those (ugh) wonderful bipolar medications that I'm on.

So what more could a gal ask for?

Yet I still found myself depressed.

So I went back to square one. Why does someone with bipolar disorder get depressed? (Sounds like a bad joke coming, doesn't it?) Because they have bipolar disorder!!!

It means they get depressed when it's sunny. They get depressed when it's raining. They get depressed when life is bad. They get depressed when life is good. They get depressed over everything. They get depressed over nothing.

They just plain get depressed.

Agree?

So, anyway, with a little change in my medication, the depression lifted. Bipolar depressions have a tendency to do that, as we know.

Now today I'm happy-happy-joy-joy because...

I'M MOVING! I'M MOVING! THIS BLOG IS MOVING TO:
www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarsurvivorblog

Don't forget to write it down so we can all be together in our brand new house! :)

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Everything Happens for a Reason

2009-03-16T16:35:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

I've been thinking -- what if I didn't have bipolar disorder? Seriously, I mean, don't get me wrong, I would LOVE it if I didn't have the disorder, but think about it -- what would I be doing with my life? I've been writing for bipolarcentral.com and helping other people with bipolar disorder for 4 years now! I just can't imagine doing anything else so rewarding and fulfilling with my life.

What if they found a cure? What would I do? Go back to work? And do what? Be a medical transcriptionist or respiratory therapist again? No thank you, don't think I could handle the stress, bipolar or not.

But just think about it. The idea of not having bipolar disorder any more. No more mood swings. No more episodes...

Hey -- NO MORE MEDICATION!!!

That would be one of the greatest parts of all for me. I hate taking all that medication every single day. Wow -- medication free. Woohoo!!

Ah, but no more security, either. Disability isn't the greatest, but at least its been some type of financial security, and Medicare has paid all my medical bills. But if I didn't have BP, I wouldn't have those bills, now, either, would I? No more doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist! No more drugs!

Gosh, what freedom! I could probably go off disability and get a real job again.

But what would I WANT to do? I want to help people.

You want to know the real truth? I don't want to do anything other than what I'm doing right now. I wouldn't want things any other way than the way they are now.

Ok, so I have to take medication every day, but I'm stable. And I'm not a millionaire (I never would have been, anyway) -- but I'm rich in other ways. And I help people, people that wouldn't have gotten help if I didn't have bipolar disorder and the ability and willingness to help them with my experiences and this blog. And with the writing I do on bipolarcentral.com.

You know, everything happens for a reason. I really believe that.

I would never have been happy married to anyone else, having any other children than the wonderful 3 boys that I have, living anywhere else, in any other house than I have, driving any other car than I do...

I can't imagine being happy being anyone else or living anyone else's life.

Mine is just fine, thank you very much. Bipolar disorder or not, everything happens for a reason, and there's a reason that I have it. If for none other than to help other people with it.

And that's good enough for me.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Bipolar Meds and Health Insurance

2009-03-09T16:25:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, first of all, the NAMI Day-on-the-Hill in Nashville was great! There were 300-400 people who all met at the state's capitol building and saw our senators and representatives about bills surrounding mental health issues. I met with Senator Overbey, my state senator, about his bill regarding crisis services for people who can't afford them, which is something I really believe in.

He was so receptive and even kind to me! I told him some of my testimony about how crisis services had helped me and my son (who was 12 at the time) when I was a single mom and couldn't afford it. Well, he's 19 now, and stable with his bipolar disorder.

The senator sent me an email thanking me for my visit and my testimony. His email crossed with my snail mail letter with an enclosure of a front-page article from our local newspaper about the homeless, and how they wouldn't be so, if there were crisis services to help them!

I think early intervention is important when it comes to mental illness. I know in my own case, I believe I always had bipolar disorder -- I just didn't get formally diagnosed until I was 44 or 45. Until then, I self-medicated my symptoms with alcohol and drugs. Had there been early intervention for me (like there was for my son), I know I wouldn't have done those things.

I also wouldn't have ended up sleeping in my car, or marrying several husbands, either! To say nothing about all the money I spent (that I didn't have to spend)! Or any one of a number of bipolar behaviors from countless episodes that would never have taken place had I been diagnosed earlier than I was. Can I get an amen???

Sorry, didn't mean to preach -- I know I'm preaching to the choir anyway. I know there's a lot of people who don't have insurance and, even those who have it, many of them are under-insured. I've been told that many health insurances won't even cover behavioral health, and that is an outrage!

Hubby and mysef were even turned down for life insurance because of our bipolar disorder.

Even with Medicare, some of my medications aren't covered, and even those that are have a co-pay. But I'm not complaining, because I know that just one of my bipolar meds costs $650 every month, so I am grateful for Medicare and Medicaid help. I don't know what I'd do without it.

Sometimes my husband and I kid around about winning the lottery, but the truth is, I can't afford to lose my disability, because I can't afford to lose my health insurance coverage! My bipolar meds add up to almost $2,000 each month! That'll eat up a lottery income pretty fast, won't it? No joke!

At any rate, I think there should be more help for people who have mental illness. Because of their situation, they end up on the street or in jail much of the time. That's even what this article said. And then, according to our local sheriff, they just get sicker. I know I did.

Well, here's wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Can't Get Too Excited with Bipolar Disorder

2009-03-02T07:43:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

I am so excited today! I'm going to Nashville for the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) to speak with my State Representative and Senator about mental health issues (i.e., "Don't cut off our funding!").

But I'm reminded (by the butterflies in my stomach) that those of us with bipolar disorder have to watch it when we get excited. What I mean is that we can't get TOO excited, or we may trigger ourselves over that oh-so-fragile bridge to mania.

And I can't afford to be manic. I do stupid things, like go shopping. And more shopping. Too much shopping. :)

And stay up way too late for me. I guess that's the first sign that I'm manic. My sleep schedule changes. In spite of having nighttime medication that should put me to sleep, in a manic state, my mind won't shut off (rambling thoughts), so my body won't shut off, either. And there you go. I'm off and running... manic again.

I'm not saying I'm manic now, by any means. Rollercoaster or not.

I'm just saying that I have to watch myself very carefully in situations like this when I get nervous energy and get excited, that I DON'T get manicky, that's all.

But we all need to watch our signs and symptoms, so I know I'm preaching to the choir here.

Well, I'm excited anyway, and about to leave. Just wanted to drop y'all a quick note. I'll let you know what happens.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

On the Merry-Go-Round

2009-02-26T14:45:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Remember when we were kids, how when we went on the merry-go-round, we'd grab which horse we thought would be the "fastest," or go the "highest" (what did we know, right?) :)

We thought the people who sat in the seats that didn't move weren't going to have as good a time as WE were, didn't we?

Well, lately I feel like I'm back on that merry-go-round again -- the bipolar merry-go-round, that is. I've been so up and down lately, I wonder when I'm going to meet myself in the middle! Now I envy those people in the seats that don't move.

It's not that I'm not stable, just that I've been very emotional lately. I just wonder what's up with that. I've ruled out several physical things, so I know it isn't "female-related," or anything, so I think it has to be related to my bipolar, and that bothers me more.

I hate not having control over my own brain. Know what I mean?

I always thought I had control over myself and my life (turns out I really never did). But I really hate this. I hate not having control over the chemical imbalance of bipolar disorder -- those cute little buggers they call synapses in my brain that can fire off at will and cause me to have mood swings just like that!

To top it off, I'm a rapid-cycler, so things can really be fun sometimes. Yeah, real fun.

Mood swings and bipolar disorder are like this (crossing fingers). They just go together. And usually I can be very cool about it all. Just accept it. But lately, with the merry-go-round going off in my head, I don't think so.

It's these times that I really hate this disorder. Don't get me wrong, I accept that I have BP. But I don't have to like it. That's nowhere in the rule book. Nobody ever said I had to like it. I just have to accept it.

So I have to manage it, in order to stay stable. And I do that.

So where are these conflicting emotions coming from, then? These ups and downs of late? I can even look back at my posts and see them manifested. I myself am confused by it, so I feel sorry for y'all! :)

But the point is, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, my work, my marriage, or my life in general! Nothing to point a finger at and blame for these mood swings!

Nothing that I can say is definitely responsible for this overwhelming feeling one minute so bad that I want to have a crying jag, and the next minute I want to scream my head off!

Have any of you ever felt like this?

I sure wish you'd tell me about it if you have. I'd hate to think I'm the only one.

Usually I just laugh it off. Humor is one of my greatest coping techniques. But it seems to be failing me the past couple of days.

Well, if anyone has any feedback, I'd sure like to hear it.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Bipolar Disorder Makes Us Stronger

2009-02-23T18:55:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

You know the expression, "Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger," right? Well, obviously, my bipolar disorder hasn't done me in yet, so as crazy as it sounds, I'm going to tell you that it's actually made me stronger.

In my morning reading, I found "pearls" that back up what I'm saying. Lines like:

"When I face a fear, I am given courage; when I support a brother or sister, my capacity to love myself is increased; when I accept pain as part of the growing experience of life, I realize a greater happiness; when I look at my dark side, I am brought into a new light..."

I can relate to the "dark side" part as the depressive side to my bipolar, but also as part of some of my manias as well. My manic brain, with its delusions, hallucinations, and paranoia at times, has taken me places I wouldn't want my worst enemy to go.

But I have survived every one of those experiences, and have emerged a stronger woman for it -- because every bipolar episode leaves me with an even stronger resolve not to let the "dragon" (my bipolar disorder) get the better of me.

This blog means so much to me. The chance to use my experiences, bad or good, up and down, to hep other people, offers a gratification like no other.

Again my morning's "pearls" ring true, as they say:

"Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worthwhile to us now."

Over the many years that I've been writing to you, I've shared much of my past openly and honestly -- the suicide attempts, institutionalizations, multiple marriages, substance abuse, etc. -- behaviors before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and became stable. (And many of you have shared the same openness and honesty with me, and I appreciate your trust in me.)

But now let me share the greatest "pearls" of all from my reading this morning, lest you mistakenly believe, as I did, that those were all "wasted years." Read these words with your heart:

"What a gift it is for me to realize that all those seemingly useless years were not wasted. The most degrading and humiliating experiences turn out to be the most powerful tools in helping others to recover. In knowing the depths of shame and despair, I can reach out with a loving and compassionate hand, and know that the grace of God is available to me...Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish..."

I hope these words touch you as much as they touched me.

For those who have followed my writings over all these years, I hope you will respond.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Put On A Happy Face

2009-02-19T15:10:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

I got a comment to my last post that absolutely floored me. It reminded me of the "happy face" mask that I seem to wear all the time, whether my bipolar is flaring up or not. That "normal" mask that tells the world that I'm just as ok as everyone else, despite the fact that I really do have a mental illness.

I mean, I know it's all right that I do (at least that's what I tell myself most of the time), but sometimes the stigma surrounding bipolar disorder still makes me want to wear my "happy face" and hide behind my "normal" mask.

I have accepted the accolades offered me by y'all, and the compliments I've received by others who know of my writing, and the thanks and gratitude expressed to me by people who've heard me speak at In Our Own Voice (NAMI) presentations... and I've soaked it all in, as undeserving as it all is, congratulating myself on my stability and sanity...

FORGETTING THAT I AM ALWAYS JUST ONE EPISODE AWAY FROM INSANITY!!!

I should say AGAIN. I should. I mean, I preach about not taking our stability for granted. Yet I find myself doing it anyway. I preach a lot of things I find myself convicted by. They say never to point your finger at anyone, because you'll find four fingers pointing right back at yourself!

I'm not saying I'm better than anyone. I never meant to say that, and if anyone ever took it that way, my humble apologies. My intro says that I'll share the ups AND downs of living with bipolar disorder. Well, it ain't all sugar, folks, as you well know if you have the disorder! We have our good days, and we have our not-so-good days.

A friend of mine is really struggling right now with grief and depression. I feel so badly for him, yet I can't do anything but be a friend to him. I want to yell at the doctors and say, "Give him better medication!" Iwant to scream at his psychiatrist, "You need to do a better job!" I want to say to his therapist, "If you were saying the right things to him, he would be better!"

Yet none of these things are right. And none of them would help my friend, either. He has to face his own dragons, as we all do. All I can do is be his friend, give him a shoulder to cry on, offer my support. And tell him I've been where he's at.

It doesn't matter whether you call it depression, bipolar disorder, schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, OCD, PTSD (or any of the other initials), or whatever. It is still a mental illness. In that we are all the same. And we all struggle the same. Your illness is no worse than mine, and mine no worse than yours. They just manifest differently, have different symptoms.

And some of us cope better than others. Or maybe we just wear our masks better. Maybe my "happy face" has been in place for so long that I wouldn't let you know I was hurting inside even if you did ask me. Maybe I've been writing about the "ups" for so long that I've forgotten about the "downs," because I don't want you to focus on them. I want everything about bipolar to be so nicey-nicey for you.

Goodenough wrote on my blog yesterday:
"My story is no more impressive or important than any one else who lives with the ravages of mental illness and tries like hell to get out of bed. I am one episode away from relapse. I am one med failure away from psychosis. I am one stigmatizing word away from depression and despair."

How I was dumbstruck by those words - how true they rang! I wish I had said that. Because it is so true. Behind my mask, I say those words to you. I am not perfect, not even close. Today I have some semblence of stability. I have learned to take one day at a time, because with mental illness, you never know what tomorrow will bring. Don't get me wrong, please, I'm not being dramatic, and I'm not being negative. I'm just being realistic.

Recovery is a process. An ongoing process. It doesn't happen overnight. It takes time. It takes the rest of your life. You may be at one point on the timeline, and I might be at another. I may be at one point of the timeline today, and at an entirely different point tomorrow, on unsure footing, I don't know.

Here's the rest of what Goodenough said in her comments:
"Does that mean that no one should strive toward recovery? OF COURSE NOT! It just means that recovery is not linear. It isn't climbing a ladder or Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs toward ultimate self-actualization. It is 2 steps forward, 10 steps back. It is scratching, clawing, digging in and getting a hand up. It might not be pretty along the way. For most, there won't be a parade or party or even a casserole given in honor of their recovery. But recovery is recovering quality of life. And that smells beautiful."

Today I am in recovery from bipolar disorder. And if you're here, so are you. So let's take off our "happy face" masks, and be real about it. We have a mental illness. We are NOT mentally ill. We are not sick. We have a chemical imbalance, that's all. Other people have physical illnesses (like asthma or diabetes), and they don't have to wear masks, afraid they won't "fit in." So do we -- only it's not in our bodies, it's in our brains. Why should we have to wear a mask, either? Why should we have to be "different?"

We don't. Not if we don't make ourselves different. We can be real. At least with ourselves. At least here, where we have the freedom to express ourselves. Until the rest of the world catches up, that is. And they will, because I (among others) am going to put a face on mental illness. I want them to see that we are just like them, their family member, their child, their parent.

It gets tiring to wear a mask that keeps the world at bay. I'd rather be myself, for better or for worse. Even though I have an incurable disease, part of my acceptance of that disease is learning to like myself for who I am in spite of the disease.

Do you agree or not?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Isolation and Bipolar Disorder

2009-02-16T05:37:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

I have known for a long time that isolation can be a trigger to a bipolar episode; however, I didn't realize how slowly isolation can creep up on you, whether you have bipolar or not.

I truly enjoy working from home, don't get me wrong. I love it, in fact -- flexible hours, working in the comfort and peace of my home, my husband being close by, and getting to work in my PJs! :)

I never thought of it in terms of being lonely, because I'm not that. But I am isolated -- I live out in the country (and I love it, the peace and quiet), and what neighbors there are, are very quiet as well. Actually, none of us even know each other -- it's not the type of place where you borrow a cup of sugar or anything like that. We're all pretty reserved and stick to ourselves.

And I don't really go out, except for doctor and therapist appointments, or to the store and, of course, for Date Night with hubby on Fridays (just so I can't be accused of being agoraphobic).

But isolated? Yeah, I guess so. I hadn't thought of it that way. I really don't have a social life (alot of it is because I don't go out to bars). I really hadn't cared about it until I thought of this post. And I was convicted by my own words, since I've written so much (so many articles) about how isolation is one of the biggest triggers to a bipolar episode.

I was always ok with being isolated. I was ok with not having friends. I'm married to my best friend, and I thought that was enough. I have a strong support network (I talk to my AA sponsor and my mom every day).

But I don't have any friends. Thought I didn't need them. And yet in my articles, I tell people that in order not to become isolated, they need to have a social life in order to stay balanced and be stable with their bipolar disorder. I tell them that they need to have a social life in order to manage their bipolar disorder.

And yet here I am, convicted by my own words.

I met someone in NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), who told me I should get on Facebook.com, and I would meet some friends. I did! Online, granted, but friends, nonetheless. People I knew (out there) that I hadn't talked to in quite a while, and we caught up on things.

That led my curiosity to classmates.com, where I was able to get in touch with several people I knew not only from High School, but Jr. High School, and even Elementary School! What fun it turned out to be!

Now, I don't feel so isolated. I actually have friends. And my little "home" world doesn't seem so "off by itself" any more. When I take my breaks from work (or my husband is watching the race -- like yesterday -- or his wrestling :)), I can spend a little time chatting with my friends.

For those of you like me, whose bipolar disorder has affected your social life -- even if you don't go out much, there are other avenues to avoiding isolation. Getting online can help, as it did me.

The point is, isolation CAN be a trigger to a bipolar episode, and we need to avoid that, as we do all other triggers to episodes.

If you have other ideas, let me know.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Don't Take Stability For Granted

2009-02-13T05:05:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

The other day I gave a talk for the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illnesss) In Our Own Voice program at a day drop-in center for people who were mostly homeless or in a group home for people with mental illnesses, and boy, was I humbled. I guess I had gotten to the place where I took my stability for granted.

I remembered when I wasn't stable -- when I used alcohol and drugs to medicate my bipolar symptoms. When I was homeless and living in my car. When I had to live in a halfway house. When I had pushed my family so far away from me, lost all their respect for me, when I think they had given up hope for me to the point that when my sister killed herself because she went off her bipolar medications and we got the call about her, my mom said, "We always expected the call about you, Michele, but never about her."

That was a real wake-up call for me, and I got some help. I've been stable since. I do the things that I need to do to stay stable today. I take my medications daily, see my psychiatrist bimonthly, see my therapist weekly, and do all I can on my own part to manage my bipolar disorder -- eat right, get the right amount of sleep, keep to a routine, use good coping techniques, etc.

Now, that doesn't mean that there aren't breakthrough depressions or bouts of mania, or even an episode once in awhile, but I handle those the right way when they do crop up. To believe that we're never going to have another bipolar episode just isn't realistic.

My mom had one after 12 yrs, and it lasted 6 months! But I think that's because she didn't want to go into the hospital. My last one only lasted a week, because I went into a very good hospital, where they treated me right, and I was ok. I haven't had an episode since. But I keep a daily mood chart online (you can, too, at www.moodchart.org) which helps me to notice if I'm falling into a pattern, and keeps me from going into an episode.

If I see, through the mood chart, that I have too many depressed or manic days in a row, I call my psychiatrist and report it. It usually just means a "tweak" in my medications, and I avoid the full-blown episode. That works very well for me.

But anyway, back to the IOOV presentation. All I did was tell my story, from "Dark Days" to recovery. Going back to my darkest days, from before I was diagnosed, was hard. But looking out at the faces of the people I was talking to, I could tell that they could relate.

I remember when people would look at me like I was some kind of trash, to be kicked to the curb like I was nothing. I just wanted to be "normal." I wanted people to see me for who I am (only I didn't even know who I was at the time).

It's important for me these days, when I give these talks and through my writing for www.bipolarcentral.com to tell people that we are NOT our diagnosis! In other words, it's not "I AM bipolar," but "I HAVE bipolar disorder." That means that there is a difference between who I am and what I have -- that there is a ME inside here! That the bipolar hasn't taken me over --that I control IT instead of it controlling ME! It took me a very long time to understand that.

And that's one of the main points that I make. It's like you don't say, "I AM diabetes," you say, "I HAVE diabetes." Or try it with asthma, or cancer. You don't identify yourself with what you have. You are still who you are despite your disorder or illness! I am NOT mental illness! I HAVE mental illness (several, if you want to be technical about it :))

Another thing I found out on the streets is that I AM NOT ALONE! The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) says that 1 in 17 people have a diagnosable mental illness, and I have seen statistics as high as 1 in 4! I never knew that before, and from early childhood, I kept this secret that I knew there was something really bad wrong with me, I just didn't know what it was (but I thought I was crazy, for sure). And there wasn't anyone I could tell my secret to, because I was afraid they'd lock me up and throw away the key.

Today, there is still stigma surrounding mental illness, so alot of people are afraid to tell people that they have it. So there are still people on the streets, in these homeless shelters and day centers, group homes and other places, not going for treatment. Or using drugs and alcohol to mask their symptoms, like I did, to feel "normal," when all they need is help. All they need to do is to reach out and ask for that help, but too many are still too scared.

So the next time you see a homeless person, think about the fact that maybe they are one of those people who have an undiagnosed mental illness. That maybe they have bipolar disorder like you do, but just haven't gotten treatment.

And never take your stability for granted. Remember what it took for you to get here.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Coping Techniques for Bipolar Disorder

2009-02-09T07:38:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, today I have a lot of work to do, so of course the stress is standin'-a-knockin'at my bipolar front door. Will or will I not answer? Ah, that is the question. So I have to pull out my "bipolar toolbox" of coping techniques for stress, and do my best to ward off the evil stress-demon!

I have this stress-sigh. I don't know where I picked it up. Nobody taught it to me, it just started happening to me one day, when I was under a lot of pressure. It's this really deep sigh. I take this big breath (usually shaky, from all the nervousness), as deep as I can, then I blow it all out. Sometimes it takes a bunch of these till I feel calm again, but it helps.

I've heard of other techniques where they tell you to do this breathing exercise when you're stressed: You take a deep breath in through pursed lips (closing your eyes helps during this exercise), to the count of 5, hold your breath for a count of 5, then let out the air through your pursed lips for a count of 5. You repeat this 5 times. I've done this one many times, and it works! The reason it's easy for me to remember is because it's all 5's. I know that might sound strange, but it's true. The easier the better for me. (I'm a simple person, after all.)

They have all these relaxation techniques these days, from simple to hard. I think I've tried practically all of them, from the easiest to the one where you turn yourself into a body pretzel! :)

Dr. Louis P. Bauer has a website online at www.goodtapes.com that I highly recommend for relaxation and meditation tapes. There are two of my articles (if you scroll down the homepage) on his site, and I have every one of his tapes (this was before CDs), and have used them for my bipolar disorder, when I couldn't turn off the racing thoughts. Also for stress, when I couldn't calm my body down. I'm telling you, these tapes/CDs work!

One thing I liked about them, that you can do without them (I have), is to lay down in a dark room on your bed with your eyes closed. Start with your toes, and picture them relaxing. Then slowly move up every part of your body (with the emphasis on slowly), until your whole body is relaxed. Stay that way as long as you need to, until the stress is completely gone. If it's easier for you, you can do it the opposite way, starting with the top of your head. I've done it that way, too, and it's worked just as good.

Another coping technique that goes along with that is to do the same thing as far as the dark room, bed, and closed eyes... but this time you picture yourself somewhere else. Somewhere where you feel safe and comfortable. Somewhere peaceful. All the while you picture yourself there, you're relaxed and deep breathing (choose any of the exercises that work for you). Picture yourself doing anything that makes you happy and stress-free. I like the beach, because the sound of the waves is very soothing. But you are in control of this exercise, and you can do it whatever way is good for you.

One technique that really works for me is to put on MY music. Notice I put "my" in capital letters. That's because I believe everyone has a MY music! I like all kinds of music (except opera), and a long time ago, I had my son make up a CD with all my favorite songs on it. I like to listen to that. Otherwise, what music I listen to has to do with what mood I'm in. When I'm really stressed, I put on one of my meditation CDs -- like ocean waves splashing in the background, or birds, or "sunrise," flutes, or guitars playing -- just real soothing music, or classical music or soft jazz (I love Kenny G for this).

A technique I use for racing thoughts that just won't shut off when I'm trying to go to sleep (don't laugh at this one before you try it) is: I picture a white greaseboard (although a blackboard would work just as well if you don't know what a greaseboard is). And every time a thought goes through my head, it goes on that board. Then I erase it. I keep doing that until they're gone, and I've tired myself out. At first they come fast and furious, but eventually they come slower, and then slower, and then I'm just so exhausted... well, you get the idea.

Since I have a wonderful supporter (my husband, who also has bipolar, and knows how I feel), I can talk to him about how stressed I am, and no matter how long it takes, he listens. Sometimes he has to listen for a long time, too, because I can get pretty stressed!

I can also write it out. I keep a journal, and even though it may come out in a jumble, whatever is stressing me out can go in there.

Then... if everything else fails... well, this is like admitting defeat, but I have to do it. And it is a part of my "bipolar toolbox" (and there for a reason). I have anti-anxiety medication, prescribed by my psychiatrist that I'll take if none of the above techniques works to bring down my stress levels.

But do you know what? Remember the journal technique I just wrote about? I guess blogging is kind of the same thing, because the stress I was talking about at the beginning of this post is gone, and I'm ready to go to work!

Hey, thanks for listening, and I hope some of these techniques work for you and your stress, because no stress is worth a bipolar episode.

What about you? Have you tried any other techniques that have worked on your stress and/or have helped you cope with your bipolar disorder?

If so, I'd really like to hear about them.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Bipolar Depression Because of Dropping Medication

2009-02-05T07:27:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, I spent one truly depressed day yesterday, due to dropping a bipolar med. Don't worry, I discussed it with my psychiatrist first. Today, I feel the same, so that's how I know it's the medication, and not the bipolar (going into a bipolar depressive episode) or me myself (just being in a bad mood) or just having a funky day.

That's what I wanted to talk about today.

You know how I'm always talking about NEVER going off your medications without talking it over with your doctor or psychiatrist first, right? Well, I did talk about this first with my psych.

I'm on alot of bipolar meds, and sometimes it gets to me. I wish I could take one magic pill and I'd be stable with my bipolar (but don't we all! :)) Usually, I'm ok with it, because my "sanity cocktail" works for me, and it took a long time to get the combination of meds I'm on now, and the stability I so cherish. It's just that sometimes, I look at all the bottles and think about how many I'm taking, and wish for that one magic pill, you know?

Oh, well, I have to deal with reality. And the reality is, I do have to take all those pills to remain stable. And, as I always say, I'll do whatever it takes to stay stable -- I fought too hard to get here.

Well, anyway, I was telling my psych about all this, and we talked about which of my meds we could drop, if any. And he said that, if I wanted, we could drop this one, "on a trial basis," and see how I do. I should say, emphasis on "and see how I do." Because, apparently, I'm not doing very well off this medication.

For a few days, I was doing pretty well. Actually, very well, since I didn't notice any difference. But some medications stay in your system, at a certain level in your bloodstream, for 24-36 hours, some even more. This one, I guess, stayed the 36 hours. Then, the depression set in yesterday, and is there again today.

I'm on mood stabilizers, but this one is specifically for depression only, and combined real well with them. We thought I'd do ok without it. At least "on a trial basis." We also talked about only going down to 1/2 a pill. My point was, if I only go down to 1/2 a pill, I'm still taking the pill, which defeats the whole purpose -- I still have to take a pill! :)

Ok, so here's the point (points):

Point #1: I already knew not to mess with my meds without talking to my psychiatrist about it first. Now, I have a great psych, who lets me be a part of my own treatment (as all good docs should). He left the decision up to me.

Point #2: He said we'd do it on a "trial basis."

Point #3: We had a Plan B (go to 1/2 pill instead of a whole pill). We even had a Plan C (I could go back to a whole pill if the 1/2 pill didn't cut it).

Point #4: I noted my signs and symptoms. One time, or one day of depression, does not a bipolar episode make. Even people without bipolar disorder get depressed from time to time. You can't judge by a single time. But today I have the same symptoms. (I could give it another day to just make sure, but two days is enough for me, thank you very much!)

But tonight I'm going back on that med. I appreciate my psych letting it be my decision, I really do. And I know it's my body. It's also my bipolar disorder, and I've learned to manage it well. Part of that management has been learning how to manage my bipolar meds -- so this is all part of that. I did the right thing -- I talked to my psych first, we worked out a plan, and I followed that plan.

But it's not worth the depression. I HATE being depressed, don't you? Like the world drops out from under you? I much prefer stability, where maybe there isn't that "high high" excitement from a bipolar mania, but there isn't that "low low" from a bipolar depression, either. I like being "normal," somewhere in between.

I wish I didn't need medication, don't you? But if it helps us stay stable, isn't it worth it?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Can You Catch Bipolar Disorder?

2009-02-02T09:58:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

I hope you're doing well and stable today. It's snowing like crazy here, but the pretty kind. Of course, I'm not out on the roads, either! Me and my bipolar are inside my cozy little house, being nice and mellow today, thank you very much!

Did you see the title of this post? Do you believe some people really believe that you can catch bipolar disorder like you can catch the common cold? It's true. There have been times that I've told people that I have bipolar, and they've actually backed away from me. Like they were frightened, ya know?

Other people have told me the same thing. They have even told me that they've been asked, "Is it contagious?" (don't laugh, the person asking it was absolutely serious) or, "Can someone else catch it from you?" (again, the person was serious).

It's not that I'm making light of this. In fact, I'm doing the opposite. This scares me. Because it goes to show how people still don't know enough about bipolar disorder not to be afraid of it (and us who have it).

Maybe it's our fault. Maybe we're not educating enough people about the disorder. Maybe we're the ones who are afraid. Are we keeping our mouths shut, afraid to tell others we have bipolar disorder, afraid of what they'd think of us if they knew?

I'm not saying I'm a shining example. I am absolutely not perfect (as those of you who follow this blog truly know). In fact, I'm probably crazy for doing what I do! :) But I talk about bipolar disorder everywhere I go. And, almost always, I get a positive response.

Usually, the response I get is either that the person has it (you'd be surprised how many people do), they have someone in their family who does, or they know someone who does. Then we stop and talk about it. (They usually ask me a LOT of questions!)

I'm not afraid to be so transparent, because I believe (and this is only my personal belief) that more people need to be informed about mental illness in general, and bipolar disorder in specific. I also talk about my sister, because so many people have lost a loved one to suicide, and they are still so lost, so much in grief, and they just don't understand how bipolar disorder could have taken the life of their loved one (like it did my sister).

If we don't teach people about bipolar disorder, who is going to? With the economy the way it is, one of the first things being cut is grants for mental illness. So who's going to educate the people? Who's going to tell a family member why their loved one is acting the way they do? Who's going to tell your friends and family why you act the way you do if you don't?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to preach. Telling someone that you have bipolar disorder is a personal decision. I feel strongly about that. So I'm not telling you what to do. I know that some people have really gotten hurt when they told people.

But I also feel strongly that we need to put a face on mental illness. People need to see that just because we have bipolar disorder, doesn't mean that we're crazy with a capital C. They need to see that we can be highly functional people, creative, productive, successful, happy, and stable (with a capital S :))

WE have to put a face on bipolar disorder, because nobody else is going to!

Do you agree or disagree with me on this?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Avoiding Confrontations with Bipolar Disorder

2009-01-29T10:23:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Last night I had what could have been a confrontation with my teenage son (well, he's 19, but is back living at home, after 2 aborted tries at living on his own), but didn't, because of my bipolar disorder.

First of all, because I avoid confrontations like the plague. Second of all, I'm no good at them. And third of all, I have bipolar disorder, which means I have to avoid stress, or it could mean bad news for me (an extra pill I have to take to calm my nerves at the least, or a bipolar episode at the worst).

Or I guess I could even add a fourth of all -- I HATE confrontations! Nobody wins. Even if someone wins, nobody wins. There are bad feelings on both sides, no matter what.

So, to keep the peace, I just kept my mouth shut. Then I started feeling resentful toward my son. And I learned in AA that we can't afford resentments (and that is very true). So I had to do something about it, for my own sake. Because of course, my son wasn't going to do anything about it, like apologize or anything (him? No way!).

It was all over a laptop computer. I know, dumb, right? There's worse things to get stressed over. Alot worse things. But ours isn't working, and he's just a whiz with computers. And since we live on disability and can't afford to pay someone to get it fixed, we thought he could help us out to save us some money. Emphasis on "thought." I shouldn't have assumed anything, that was my mistake.

Well, it started with him needing my mouse and keyboard from my office computer. I was needing to do something important for work, which would have only taken 10 min. to do, so I told him I needed to do that first, then he could take all the time he needed. He says I told him to go ahead and take them. Now tell me, how do you misinterpret that? I walked away for a second (just a second, mind you) and the next thing I know, he's set up in the living room with MY keyboard, and MY mouse! And when I said something about it, he said I told him he could!

That's when I was faced with the FIRST confrontation. Should I or shouldn't I? I had to decide.

Ok, so I'm a chicken. I figured I better keep my mouth shut, just to keep the peace. But I still sat there, pouting and resentful.

Finally, I quietly said something to my husband about it, but my son overheard, threw down the keyboard and mouse in a fit, and stormed off with them, attaching them back to my office computer. Angrily he said something under his breath (obviously intending for me to hear, it wasn't that "under his breath") like, "You said you wanted my help, but you think THIS is more important," or something like that.

I did what I had to do for work, which really was that important. And it did only take about 10 or 15 min. But when I came out, my son was storming out the door (even tho he had seen that I was done), and wouldn't help with our laptop, making that obvious.

Second attempt at confrontation on his part. Second decision on my part. Should I or shouldn't I? Second time I chicken out. I HATE confrontations!!!

Especially with him. Even if I think I'm right, he always wins. He has this way of pushing my buttons that stress in small letters becomes STRESS in huge letters and upsets me and my bipolar disorder and, like I said earlier, I just can't afford that. So, just like always, I let him think he won.

So... he storms out. Now my husband and I are both aggravated. And our computer is still broken.

A few minutes later, though... hubby and I have let go of our resentments (not worth it), we're sitting quietly and contentedly watching TV, and our bipolar disorders are intact (thank you, Jesus!). A little later, we went peacefully to bed.

Now, I guarantee you, my son carried his unsatisfied confrontation with him. He is short-tempered and angry, as most teenagers are. He is probably still carrying that resentment with him. But you know what? Maybe he can afford to. I can't.

This has happened before, and will probably happen again. It has too -- we live in the same house. And, like I said, he is a teenager (why are they so angry, anyway?).

But here's the moral of the story:

Having bipolar disorder, I've had to learn to pick my fights. I can't afford the stress. I've decided it isn't worth it. I've learned to let go of all the things that used to push my buttons, that used to upset me, cause confrontations, cost me sleep, stayed in my mind and memory as deep resentments, etc. Some of these things even caused me to get depressed. And that depression led to bipolar episodes.

I don't want to have episodes. As you know, they are the most horrible things for us. So, like I said in the beginning, about how I avoid confrontations at all costs, I mean that for bipolar episodes, only a hundredfold!

I much prefer living peacefully. I cherish my serenity much more than winning a fight that I'll forget later. And someday, my son will appreciate our relationship (every mother's dream). And when he (finally) matures, maybe he won't find the need to confront people so much. At least I hope that for him.

Peace and serenity are just so much better, aren't they? And crucial for those of us with bipolar disorder. Don't you agree? I think I made the right decision.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Accepting Your Bipolar Disorder

2009-01-26T08:58:00.001-08:00

Hey, y'all --

I had a nice, quiet weekend, how about you? Got to watch 3 old movies (I love old movies, especially Fred Astaire movies), and truly relax. It's hard to relax when you've got bipolar disorder. I mean truly relax.

It seems like we're on this constant vigil, always watching for signs and symptoms so we don't go into an episode. Like we're in a constant war, always watching the enemy.

I hate this disorder. I mean, I really hate this disorder when I'm in a mood like I am today. I want to be "normal." I know, I know, normally I'm so positive, and I preach at y'all to be positive, too. I'm not saying I'm not positive, I still am, at least about life, but I'm very much negative about bipolar disorder today.

It's not that anything specific happened, really. Just in one of those agitated moods that come from having the disorder itself. Sometimes I just get mad at the bipolar. Like it's something outside myself (something I would strangle if I could).

It's like natural enemies. Like, say, dogs and cats. Ever see them together? See the cat hiss at the dog and have its claws out, ready to fight? Yeah, picture that. That's kind of how I feel.

Like bipolar disorder is like this big dragon just preying on me, and I'm the damsel in distress. So where's my hero? My knight in shining armor? Who's going to rescue me from this big, bad dragon? No one. Because I carry this big dragon around inside me. 24/7. Always. Always have. Always will. For the rest of my life.

The good part is that this dragon can be controlled. I can hold it at bay. IF I take my medications. IF I see my psychiatrist and therapist regularly. IF I do all the things I need to do to take care of myself and manage my disorder.

But, God help me if I should slip up! This dragon will swoop in and take away my hard-earned stability faster than I can blink my eyes!

So I don't dare let down my guard. That's why I'm so mad at it today. Because some days I get tired of it. Some days I want to let down my guard and want not to have to try so hard. I want to be lazy, like "normal" people. I want to have a day off. But I don't dare! Do you?

We can't. We just can't. And that's just a fact of life when you have bipolar disorder.

I have to accept the fact that I have bipolar disorder. I have no choice. It isn't my fault, but there are things I can do about it. The biggest thing I can do about it is to NEVER give up the fight. To NEVER let the dragon win.

I have fought long and hard for my stability, and I'll be darned if I'm going to let anyone or anything (especially that dragon) steal it from me. I'm not even going to let myself stand in my own way.

Of course, I'm going to have days like today. I have to be realistic and realize that they're going to happen. I'm human. I have bipolar, and my moods are going to fluctuate. But anger is easier to handle than depression. I'll get over the anger. Actually, this kind of anger is healthy for me -- at least it's anger against the disorder, and not someone else. I can use this anger to keep the bipolar from controlling me, and I can keep controlling it, keeping it in its place.

It helps me to think of the disorder as something outside myself. To call it the dragon. It helps me to accept my bipolar disorder that way.

Whew! I feel alot better getting all that out. Thanks for listening!

What about you? How do you accept your bipolar disorder?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Balance and Bipolar Disorder

2009-01-22T13:38:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

I just got back from my physical therapist, and I think I'm in more pain now than before I went to see her! She's supposed to be getting my shoulder and arm back into "balance." But some days I'm not sure the pain is worth it, really. I just wish it were fixed.

I saw this episode of "House" the other night, and House's shoulder was hurting, too, and they were saying that it was all in his head, that it was because he was feeling guilty inside about something. Huh? Well, I assure you, I don't feel guilty about anything! This thing is purely physical (and I've been going to therapy for months to prove it to you!).

But it made me think of balance, anyway, something I want to talk about today.

I'm always saying you should take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually in order to manage your bipolar disorder. In other words, you should be balanced. If anything is out of whack, you could go into an episode.

For example, let's just look at one thing--physically. I was so sick, and stayed sick for about 3 weeks. Usually, I take very good care of myself physically. But this "virus" (that's what they finally said it was, when I went to the ER, which usually translates as "we don't know what it is") just held on and held on and just wouldn't go away.

For a whole week there, I couldn't eat anything but ginger ale and crackers. Which led to my extreme dehydration and low blood pressure. I was just so weak that I couldn't think straight. And because I couldn't think straight, I made a mistake with my medication.

Because of that mistake in my medication, I was "borderline bipolar episode," according to my therapist and my psychiatrist's nurse.

See? My physical side was out of whack, and that affected me physically, mentally, and emotionally, and almost caused me to go into a bipolar episode. Very almost. Had we not caught it in time, I would have ended up back in the hospital.

Now let's take another example. Sleep is such a simple thing to let get out of control. A late night. A good movie to stay up and watch. A good book that you just can't put down. Then a couple nights of lost sleep. You don't even see it happening. But before you know it, your sleep schedule is off. Then it's really off. And you know what that can lead to? Yep. A manic episode. And you didn't see it coming! All because something in your world got out of balance!

We work very hard to learn to control our bipolar disorder. We build systems. We work at maintaining schedules and routines. We learn BALANCE! It's one of the biggest ways to de-stress our lives and manage our disorder. And it works!

But we have to balance so much -- not only ourselves (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually), but for those who are working, we have to balance home and work as well. For those in relationships or who are married, we have to balance our personal needs with those of our partners as well. For those with children, we have to add that into the balance equation as well.

Trying to keep our lives balanced can be overwhelming sometimes!

I don't mean to be funny (well, maybe just a little), but I kind of look at it like trying to balance a dinner plate at Thanksgiving. I don't know about you, but everything always looks so good that when I go to fill it up, something is always overflowing it! For me, it's usually the mashed potatoes falling over the side of the plate -- just can't get those things to set right! But, really, who can get a Thanksgiving dinner plate balanced just so? I sure can't!

So now try balancing a life filled with life responsibilities, home and personal responsibilities, work obligations and stressors, relationship or marriage, children, parents/siblings, friends, social life, church life, financial obligations (and/or pressures), health, sleep, etc. etc. etc. and it's an endless cycle, so endless that some people just can't handle it and they break.

Because when you add bipolar disorder into the mix above, if you can't find balance, if you don't find peace, all of life's stresses and anxiety will beat you down, and cause you to go into an episode.

Balance is CRUCIAL to managing your bipolar disorder and your emotional, physical, and spiritual health.

Balance is the key to beating this disorder. Balance is the key to stability.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Living On The Edge Of Insanity

2009-01-20T07:29:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

First of all, let me say that although I felt like I was taking a risk sharing about my near-bipolar episode in my last post, I appreciated so much the comments I received. I felt so much support, warmth, and unconditional love, as well as some good advice, and I wanted to thank you.

Today's blog, in fact, is in response to one of those posts. It made me think long and hard, and reminded me how true some things are about having bipolar disorder and, if not reminded about them, can be very dangerous for us.

For example, what happened to me recently. So close to a bipolar episode, and not even realizing it. And even my supporter (my husband) not seeing it, because it was being masked by my being so physically sick.

It took a truly insightfuly therapist and nurse to see objectively what was going on, and I'm grateful for that. I can see now how very important it is to have a good support system, not just one person on whom to depend. One person (including yourself) can miss something important, while other people can catch it.

Anyway, I hope this person doesn't mind my quoting her post, but I don't want anyone to miss her words, because they are so crucial, in my opinion.

She talked about lessons in disguise. She said, "The biggest lesson of all for me is how close I always am to either depression or manic, how fragile I am, how vulnerable I am, what a fine line there is between sanity and insanity so it is a vigil which cannot be ignored."

Wow. I haven't been able to stop thinking about those words ever since I read them. I am so convicted by them. I have taken my stability for granted, and I have to confess that. I guess that's why I was reminded of it these past few weeks. Like this woman said, "How close I always am to either depression or manic..." My mistake was that I forgot that. And forgetting that can be very dangerous to those of us with bipolar disorder.

I hate to think of myself as fragile. I like to think I have power over my bipolar. But I guess I never will, although I can manage it. I had learned in Alcoholics Anonymous that I have no power over my alcoholism in the very first step, and I accept that. So why is it so much harder to learn to accept that about my bipolar disorder?

I also learned that alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It always lies in wait. It doesn't matter if you've been sober for 5 minutes, 5 years, or 50 years. As soon as you start drinking again...it's on!

Well, that's how I see bipolar disorder. It NEVER lets its grip loose on you. If you stop taking your medications, stop going to therapy, stop following your treatment plan, stop doing the things you do that keep you stable...it's on! And the disorder will move in and start managing YOU instead of the other way around!

"...how vulnerable I am..." this woman posted. I always have to remember that. I kind of resented it when I read it at first, because remember, we're talking about ME here, the woman who has that big S tattooed on her chest? Little Miss Superwoman? But she is so right. I AM vulnerable when it comes to bipolar disorder. We all are. We can't let down our guard.

But here's what really got to me: "...what a fine line there is between sanity and insanity and so it is a vigil which cannot be ignored."

I have a coffee cup that says, "I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it!" I usually think it's funny. Not today. Not when I'm reminded of all the times I've been locked up, called crazy, labeled "insane," and even one time taken before a judge and thought I'd never be let out of the institution. It was one thing when I called myself insane - I thought it was funny. It was quite another thing when other people started taking it seriously. It scared me - what if they were right?

So yes, it truly is a fine line. Without medication, a fine line that my mind would cross. And that truly is a frightening thought. I have the type of bipolar disorder that involves hallucinations and delusions. So without medications, my mind does turn insane. It turns on me. It turns on others. It turns on itself. There's that fine line again between sanity and insanity.

But there is hope. If I were to live every day in this fear, I really would go insane. The hope is the "vigil which cannot be ignored." I don't have to keep vigil and live in fear. I have to keep vigil on the things I do to control my bipolar disorder. I have to keep vigil and make sure I take my medications (ALL of them!).

I have to keep vigil on that fine line between sanity and insanity. I HAVE to! Because I never want to go insane again. Sanity is too precious to me. And I never want to take it for granted again. It's a place you can go to and take a chance on never coming back from.

Thank God for bipolar support systems (and the people who love us unconditionally), and places we can go for help (like bipolarcentral.com, and this blog and the people who post on it). Thank God for doctors, psychiatrists and therapists. Thank God for medications that keep us stable. Thank God for sanity.

And thank God for God. Because without His grace, I wouldn't be here.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Up And Down And Back Again

2009-01-15T09:01:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, I have something to confess. I know this blog is supposed to be about the ups and downs of being a survivor with bipolar disorder, but I've still found myself trying to the Superwoman of all bipolar survivors anyway. I try to write about the good stuff without ever writing about the bad, and I apologize for that. So here's my confession.

The past few days have been very hard for me. I've tried to be so strong for everyone else, including y'all, not letting anyone know what was really going on inside me. And what was really going on inside was that I was depressed.

There's been so much going wrong with all the people I cared about, and I was internalizing all their problems -- I just couldn't seem to let anything go. Work seemed to be such a pressure to me, even though I work for the best boss in the world, and it wasn't his fault. It wasn't that the assignments were too overwhelming for me, it was just that I was feeling overwhelmed by everything.

I was crying at the drop of a hat, and I just couldn't understand why my emotions were so out of control. ME? I thought. Me, who's always so strong. Me, who's not only strong for myself, but for everyone else as well. Me, who doesn't let anything get to her. Me, who hands out advice like candy, but doesn't let other people's problems get inside her except to pray for them.

Yes, ME. I've been so physically sick for over 2 weeks, ending up in the ER, as I think I told you. I blamed it all on the physical exhaustion of being sick. I was just so tired, I thought. But never attributed it to depression. I NEVER get depressed, I thought.

2 days ago, I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. Over everything. Over nothing. I got the news that my cousin's son, who has bipolar disorder, was unmedicated, had started on alcohol and drugs, had crashed his car, and died. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I started crying, and couldn't seem to stop.

My husband was there, and he was so comforting. The perfect supporter. He said all the right things, without babying me. He told me to go back to work, because when I'm working, I'm fine. I'm able to shut everything else out, and just get into my "zone." I put away all my emotions, and just threw myself into my work. And it worked.

Then yesterday, I went to see my therapist. The minute I walked into her office, I broke down in tears. She asked me what I was crying about, and I told her everything I've told you. I just told her I needed a safe place to cry. I just needed a good cry.

She knew this wasn't like me, and asked me what was different. To make an already too long story shorter, she asked about my illness and about my medication. Suddenly I realized that somehow, I had stopped taking one of medications without even realizing it, sometime during the time that I was sick. And this was a REAL important medication for the depressive side of my bipolar disorder.

She told me to call my psychiatrist as soon as I got home, which I did. I talked to the nurse, who told me to call the pharmacist. I did, and the pharmacy tech told me the prescription had never been filled! Somehow, there had been an error in the filling of this medication, believe it or not.

Anyway, I got the medication filled, took last night's and this morning's dose, and I can already feel the difference. I know medication isn't supposed to work that fast normally, but I remember when I first went on it, it worked from the first day on, so I'm not surprised.

I don't feel depressed today, and I no longer feel like crying. I have more energy than I've had in the three days before it, and I'm encouraged that this was the problem all along.

It just makes me mad at myself, though, that although I preach it to everyone else to always check your medications, I didn't practice what I preach. Well, you better believe this girl is going to do that from now on!

Well, I hope y'all are doing well with your own bipolar disorder. Don't make the same mistake that I did. Learn from mine. And always call your psychiatrist if you feel "off" in any way, like I did.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Don't Get Overwhelmed By Others

2009-01-12T14:26:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, I have to tell you -- life being a person with bipolar disorder can get pretty complicated sometimes. Whether it gets complicated for us, or whether we make it complicated for ourselves, I'm not sure.

But today just feels like one of those complicated days. Like everything is going wrong. Not necessarily in my life, but in everyone's around me.

I hate to sound so cold, but here's the deal. I have enough problems of my own without worrying about everyone else's. But here's the problem. I DO worry about everyone else's, because I care so much about everyone else. Maybe too much, I don't know.

Sometimes I think I worry about their problems more than my own. Too busy playing Superwoman, too busy trying to be strong for everyone else.

So much of that that I drove myself into a state of exhaustion and ended up in the ER last week. I just can't keep doing this, but I just can't help myself, either.

The thing is, tho, that I do know it isn't good for my bipolar disorder, so something has to change.

There are things that overwhelm us just naturally by our bipolar alone. Then there are things that just overwhelm us by life, just like people who don't even have the disorder. And like I said earlier, things that come upon us, and things we bring upon ourselves.

But if we are going to stay stable, we have to take control over the things that overwhelm us, or they are definitely going to take control over us.

Like take for instance my best friends. Something terrible is happening in their lives right now of a physical nature. My heart absolutely bleeds for them. But I am helpless to do anything about it but to pray for them and to be there if they need a friend to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. Not that I'm saying that prayer is a small thing -- it certainly is not. I've seen miracles happen (and I'm praying for one in this instance).

But I've been so heartbroken over this, cried off and on about it all morning, and for what? Over something I can do absolutely nothing about. I practically made myself sick over it. And do you think my friends would want that? No, they wouldn't. They would want me taking care of myself, not stressing myself out, and taking care of my bipolar disorder so that I stay stable, and not get overwhelmed on their account.

There are things we can control, and then there are things over which we have absolutely no control whatsoever. Those are the things we have to turn over to God and trust the outcome to Him.

We can care about our friends and family. We can care about their problems. But we can't hurt TOO much for them, or that will overwhelm us to the point that our own stability is in jeopardy.

And they wouldn't want that for us, any more than we should want that for ourselves.

So I told my friend that I'm there for her, and that I would pray for them. Then I talked to my husband (my supporter) about the situation which was upsetting me horribly. I cried like a baby. But my husband told me to "let it go," because I couldn't do anything about it.

Now, I'm a stubborn woman. (Aren't many of us with bipolar disorder?) I held onto it for a little while longer. But eventually I realized that what my husband said was true and for my benefit, and because he loves me, and also because he has bipolar himself.

I had to let it go. There's nothing I can do. Because if I didn't let it go, it would hurt me and my stability. And these things always have a way of working themselves out without our interference anyway.

Anyway, I wish you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Back to Bipolar Normal

2009-01-08T13:20:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Sorry I missed my last post, but I've been sick all week -- ended up in the ER with severe dehydration and blood pressure of 88/64. Not so great, huh? And I just thought I had the drasted flu that just wouldn't go away! Anyway, I'm on the mend now, and back with y'all (and the rest of the world).

Well, it's back to bipolar normal now. Holidays over, new year to face, and optimism toward the future. I didn't get off to a great start, being sick and all, but that hasn't changed my optimism. Hey, it could've been worse, right? It could've been a bipolar episode instead of just dehydration.

So, things are pretty much back to normal around here. Which pretty much means nothing much to say.

Sometimes I think those are the best times of all. When things are just going along like they should. No high highs... no low lows. And definitely no rollercoaster ride. I read a saying one time that said, "If you like rollercoasters, you'll LOVE bipolar disorder!" (hey, I think I made that up! or maybe I didn't). Anyway, I thought it was hilarious. But seriously, I remember in the beginning, it sure did feel like I was on one. It took a long time for me to be stable.

So for me to be grateful now for just a "bipolar normal" day is saying alot.

Remember those beginning days? Oh gosh, it was hard. The initial diagnosis, just taking that in. The joy of finally knowing what was wrong with me was replaced by the horror of, "Oh my God, now what do I do?"

And then, of course (self-centered person thatI was) I thought that I was the only person in the world who felt like I did. Back then, I didn't know that a place like bipolarcentral.com even existed, much less that there were others out there with the same disorder and same feelings that I was going through. And I didn't even know what a blog was, and there was no blog like this for me to go to.

And then from the doctor to the psychiatrist to the therapist. I went through several therapists. Kind of like going from zero to 60 in about 5 seconds. Either they didn't like me or I didn't like them. Or my insurance wouldn't cover them. Or I'd get one, then she'd get pregnant. Or I'd get another, and then she'd be overloaded and couldn't see me. Or she'd have to leave for whatever reason. Then I finally found one and she left and the new one could only see me once a month. Once a month? At that time, I needed one once a DAY! I thought I was going totally insane.

Then I found one that I totally related to, and I stayed with her for three years. But then I got the news -- she was dropping me because "I just don't feel like I can take you any further." What kind of an excuse is that? I felt like saying. There was plenty more I had to tell her! But I felt abandoned.

Next I got a therapist who was fine for the first few months at once a week, then every other week, then only once a month (her scheduling), then she took on another therapist's load (the other therapist got pregnant), and couldn't see me but every 2 months. Guess what? Time to go therapist shopping again!

Well, I went into a manic episode during this time (told you I needed a therapist once a week!) and ended up in the hospital, and upon discharge, they recommended the therapist I still have. And, let me tell you, if I had had her all along, I'd probably be completely, totally, and perfectly SANE! (of course, I think we all have a little insanity in us, bipolar or not). But she is the most wonderful therapist, and the perfect therapist for me. And she sees me every week, with no end in sight. Not that I'm grateful for that manic episode, because if I hadn't had it, I wouldn't have the therapist I have now. See? God has a way of turning even the worst things around for good.

My psychiatrist I've had for over 4 (maybe 5) years now, and I couldn't have handpicked one better. He really manages my medications the best for me.

It was horrible in the beginning, though. I had doctors that, I swear, I must have had the words "guinea pig" stamped onto my side or something, because they tried everything on me (at least once). Always changing doses, always changing medications and combinations of medications. And this went on for a two-year period! And it seemed like every time my medication was changed, they had to put me in the hospital to do it (nothing but fun for me).

But finally my medication stabilized, and so did I.

So it's been a "fun" ride, but I'm stable now, and totally, totally grateful for it.

Well, for not having much to say today, I sure said a mouthful!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2009-01-01T06:38:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Well, it's New Year's Day, and I'm feeling very optimistic about this coming year. I had a great birthday yesterday, despite having the stomach bug, and I've never had a good birthday before, so I'm looking at it as a sign for good things to come.

Emotionally, I'm feeling very stable, which is great compared to last year at this time (another good sign). Work is going good, and life is great in general. Bill is doing good, and I couldn't ask for a greater supporter, friend, soulmate, or husband. My sons are healthy and (I think) happy.

I know it's going to be a good year. I have to have a positive attitude, because what's the alternative (I don't want to think about that). As people with bipolar disorder, we have to think positive, because thinking negatively can cause us to become depressed, and you know what that leads to... yep -- another depressive episode. And I will avoid that at all costs.

Even my mom, who has bipolar disorder, too, is doing well with hers right now. Many people with the disorder have a hard time at this time of the year because of the holidays and all the stress and anxiety that come with it. Along with (depending on which part of the country you live in) the gloomy weather, which isn't good for those with the disorder.

But still, I think whether you stay stable or not has a lot to do with your attitude. Last year at this time I had a very bad attitude. I think that's why I was so depressed. Having decided to cancel Christmas was a very bad decision (which we do from time to time -- make bad decisions, that is). And I paid for it dearly. Seldom do we get a chance for a "do-over," as my children used to say when they were young.

This year I got a "do-over," and it paid off. I did things so differently, and had a great holiday season. But it took work, and a positive attitude.

So does my bipolar attitude. And that's something I have to work at every single day. It's not all a bed of roses for me, as I'm sure it isn't for you, either. There are times it's hard for us to even get out of bed to face the day, isn't it? But we have to, to take control of our disorder instead of it taking control of us.

And that's the name of the game. WE have to be in control of our bipolar disorder instead of the other way around. And if you're not doing that yet, then make that your New Year's resolution. Plan to make this coming year the time to take the dragon by its tail and learn to take total control and management of your disorder.

If you're not stable now, then plan that this year you will be! Look at me -- last year at this time I wasn't stable, but this year I am. Like I said, it took work, and it wasn't easy. But this year I am much more stable than I was last year. And if I can do it, so can you!

If you're depressed because you didn't have a good holiday season, do something about it. Change your attitude! Don't dwell on the past (even the recent past). You can't do anything to change it. And don't worry about tomorrow, because it isn't here yet. Today is all you've got to work with. And it's up to you whether you make today a good day or a bad day.

Even if it is your chemically affected brain that's got you in the doldrums, you can still do things to make it better. Try to do something you enjoy. Me, I'm not much for doing outdoors things that take a lot of exercise (you might be the opposite) -- I enjoy watching DVD's, reading and doing crossword puzzles. A good chick flick will get me out of a depression most of the time. But if you do like doing things like skiing or snowboarding or just going outside and playing with the kids, then that might do alot to help you with your depression.

I like to watch movies and read because then I get out of my own head (a place I should never go without parental supervision! :)), and it gets me thinking about someone else. But you don't have to watch movies or read to do that. You can do something else. Like talk to someone else, about your problems or theirs. Sometimes listening to someone else's problems makes you feel as if your own aren't so bad after all. And having someone else to talk to about yours can really take a load off your own shoulders. It makes you feel as if you're not so alone after all. If you don't have anyone else to talk to, you can always talk to me! :)

I have this book called "14,000 Things to be Happy About," and it's got so many good suggestions in it. Most of them are the small things in life. If you're depressed, sit down and start making a "Gratitude List." Just start brainstorming all the things you're grateful for in your life -- even the small things. Start by being grateful for the fact that you're alive! Then add the fact that you're not in an episode (that's no small thing!). Then go on from there. Do you have children? Are they healthy? Do you have brothers or sisters? Are they still alive? What about your parents? Your home? A car? Food to eat? There are so many things to be grateful for in this life, that God has given us free of charge! So count your blessings, and pretty soon you'll have a list longer than you'd ever have thought you would.

This is a new year. A brand new start. If last year was a good year for you, then this coming year will be even better! And if last year was a struggle for you, then be optimistic about this coming year -- it's got to be better than last year, right?

Well, here's to wishing all of you a very Happy New Year, and peace and stability in the coming year.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

After Christmas - Back to Normal?

2008-12-29T05:58:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, Christmas is officially over. I know, because yesterday we took down all our beautiful Christmas decorations. (Had to, I work M-S, so Sun. is my only day off). We tried to keep a positive attitude about it, but it was still kind of a let-down after all the "high" of the holidays.

Oh well, at least we didn't get depressed, or go into episodes, or anything. That's a good way to look at it. I feel so sorry for the people who did this year, and there are many. Did you know that the holidays are the highest rated time for hospitals to be filled with people in bipolar episodes? I hope y'all are doing ok with your own bipolar disorder, I really do.

Ok, so things are back to normal. We're back to our regular schedules. Although I have to confess that it's not only hard to get back to work after Christmas, it's also hard to get back to work on a Monday. Monday's are hard enough as they are! Just because I work from home doesn't make it any easier, ya know. I still have to discipline myself as if I were going to a job outside.

Today I feel kind of blah. Don't just not feel like working, just don't feel like doing anything but lazing around, maybe reading a good book or watching a chick flick or something. But I'm afraid if I don't work, I'll have to clean up the house or something dreaded like that (yuck and double yuck!)!!! So...I guess I'll just have to pull myself up by my bootstraps and go ahead and work despite my less than enthusiastic mood.

It's hard to be a writer. Sometimes I just don't feel like writing. Or I get writer's block. It's not like when I was a medical transcriptionist. I could just go to work, sit down at my desk, put my headphones on, turn myself into an automaton, and just let my fingers type whatever I heard, letting my eyes watch whatever appeared on the screen. A no-brainer. For 8 straight hours, 5 days a week. (No wonder I flipped out!)

So, no matter how much I might be griping about it today, I'm grateful that I have this job which allows me the freedom to express my creativity, where I can work in the peaceful environment of my own home, doing a job I love, for a great boss, and that helps others with bipolar disorder. That's the best thing of all.

On days like this, when I just don't feel like working, or on other days when I just feel discouraged, or that my work just doesn't mean much, I think about all the people we're helping through www.bipolarcentral.com, and hopefully all the people I'm helping through this blog... and I remember what it's all about when you get to the roots of it all. I'm not really here for me. I'm here for you.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

2008-12-25T12:28:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Just had to pop in and wish every one of you a very, Merry Christmas!

I hope y'all are enjoying your day as much as I'm enjoying mine. I got up at 5 this morning, because I was so excited. More for Bill, than for me -- I couldn't wait for him to open up his presents. He was so happy - I really did good.

He was so romantic with mine - he got me this silver ring band that says Bill (heart) Michele, and inside is engraved "Forever and Always." And then he got me this snow globe with an engraved plaque on it that says, "Michele, What would I do without you? Bill" God, how grateful I am for such a wonderful husband, best friend, and supporter as him.

Like I had said the other day, we may not have gotten each other gifts that cost a whole lot of money, but we got "heart" gifts, the best gifts of all. Now you see what I mean. I will always cherish the gifts he got me this year, but more than that, I will cherish the time we spent last night...

Snuggling together on the couch, dimmed room lit by the Christmas tree, listening to Christmas music, reminiscing about how bad things were last year at this time when we had cancelled Christmas and were both in mini-episodes, we were so depressed and at each other so much.

We talked about how this year is so very much better, about how stable we are, how peaceful things are, how our lives have changed, how good things are going for us. A simple life, but such a good life.

This year is so much different. I am so much happier now. So much more content -- not so much for what I have, but for my stability and for my life in general.

I pray that y'all share the peace that I have today on Christmas, the birthday of our Lord. May He be in your hearts and in your lives.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Be Grateful for Your Blessings, Even the Small Ones

2008-12-22T15:53:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Boy, am I in the holiday spirit! I feel like saying, "Hi, I'm Michele, and I'm addicted to Christmas!" I sure feel different than last year, when I almost went into a bipolar depressive episode at this time.

But this year I am so grateful for my blessings, even the small ones. I think especially for the small ones. Mostly that I'm stable. That's my greatest blessing of all. I think about how hard it was to get to this point, and how grateful I am for each day that I stay here. And also how sad I am for every person who writes to me about their struggles with stability, how I wish I could help them all, how I wish I had all the answers, and how frustrating it is that I don't.

I'm so very grateful for a wonderful husband who loves me as much as Bill does. He makes me feel so special in so many small ways, every day. Nothing extravagant, just his being here, supporting me. He has bipolar disorder, too, so he understands me in a way that nobody else could. So there's a companionship there that makes him more than just my husband. He's my best friend, too.

I'm grateful for my little double-wide trailer. When you walk inside, you'd never know it was a trailer. It's a beautiful home. At least it is to me. It's my home. I'm grateful for any home, because I remember when I was homeless, sleeping in my car, because I was addicted to alcohol and drugs (self-medicating my undiagnosed bipolar disorder). It's warm and cozy here, especially tonight, when it's freezing cold outside.

I'm grateful for our beautiful little 4' decorated Christmas tree that I bought for $1 at a yard sale last summer. Looks like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, but it's beautiful to me! :) And the gifts under it are beautiful too, because they're gifts from the heart. We live on disability, so I know they aren't much to anyone else but us, but "heart-gifts" are always better anyway.

I'm grateful for our dog, Princess. She's a cross between a hound and a, well, hound, I guess.LOL But she's beautiful to me. She loves me unconditionally, as all dogs do. You know that old expression, "May I someday be the person my dog already thinks I am." I hope I am.

I'm grateful for three beautiful, wonderful, healthy, grown sons who I love with all my heart. I wish they could all be with me for Christmas this year but even though they can't, they still will be in spirit. And I have my memories of other Christmases when they were little.

I'm grateful for parents who love me. I won't get to see them, because they live in FL and I live in TN, but we talk on the phone quite a bit. They're Jewish anyway (I got saved when I was 21), so they don't celebrate Christmas, but they're happy for me. And they understand my excitement. It's also special for me because when I was drinking and drugging, I destroyed my relationship with my parents, and didn't make amends with them until just a few years ago, so I am so grateful that I have such a wonderful relationship with them now.

I still mourn the loss of my sister due to her suicide from bipolar disorder, but I'm grateful that her story has saved so many lives. And I'm grateful for the many happy memories that I have of her, especially at this time of year. Her birthday was Dec. 14th, so she is always on my heart and mind at Christmastime.

I'm grateful for my friends, especially Lisa and Michael. New friends, but wonderful friends. I feel like I've known them for all of my life. Lisa is like my soul sister. She is the one who wrote that last comment that I posted on my blog. Isn't she a fantastic writer? And the post before that, the one with the clock on it? That was Michael, her husband. He has a great website at everyminute.org. They do great work for NAMI, too -- I met them at the In Our Own Voice workshop I went to that one weekend I wrote about. I couldn't ask for better friends. They are so very special to me, and I love them so much.

I'm grateful for my best friend, Dolores, who I've known since the 10th grade (35 years now). No one could ask for a better best friend. I love her so much. And even though she doesn't have bipolar disorder, she is still so compassionate towards me for mine.

Believe it or not, I'm grateful for my therapist. She's gotten me through some pretty tough times. I can't say she's the best therapist in the world (although I think she is), but she is the perfect therapist for me. I look forward to going to see her every week, and I know she is a big part of why I stay so stable.

I'm grateful for my boss. I know most people can't say that, but I can. David Oliver is an incredible man (and no, I've never even met him!). I've worked for him for over 3-1/2 years now, and I've never had a better boss. He is so understanding of my bipolar disorder. He gave me a chance to work within its limitations when no one else would. I'm grateful for his website, which gives us all the chance to learn, to be empowered, to share, to grow and, hopefully, to become stable. He even gave me this blog, through which I've been able to help so many others with bipolar disorder, and I am so very, very grateful for that.

Most importantly, though, I am grateful for my Lord, without whom I wouldn't have any of these other things to be grateful for. God is the center of my life. I would have no life without Him, for without Him I would have succeeded in my (several) suicide attempts. Bipolar disorder would have killed me for sure. But with Him I have a life filled with so many blessings I can't even count them. It may not be a life filled with a lot of money, but it is a life filled with riches untold, one in which love abounds. Life is good. Very, very good.

I wish you all the blessings that I have, and more.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Within Every Bad Situation is a Gift

2008-12-18T06:48:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

I got a comment to one of my posts that I thought deserved a post of its own. When you read it, you'll see what I mean. Her words say my thoughts better than I could say them myself:

goodenough said...
Recently I have reflected on stressful situations that are occurring in my life. At first I was feeling really overwhelmed and alone. Then I remembered a book that I read last year at the request of my wise husband, Michael. It said that within every bad situation is a gift. So, I decided that my gifts in this are that I have the opportunity to become more resourceful; to hone my skills at work; and the opportunity to learn to rely more on the One who gives me breath.The other night I dreamed that I would die in 5 months. And while there were many ways I could interpret this dream, I didn't take the obvious one that this was in fact a prophecy. Instead last night when I couldn't sleep, I reflected on how I would treat other people if I knew that I only had a few more months on this earth. I believe I would be more forgiving; I would make sure that everyone that is close to me knew how very much I love them and how I appreciate the impact that they have had on my life. I reflected on how other people might treat me. Perhaps their reaction would be the same to me. So, why don't I do that everyday - as the song says "Live Like I was Dying"? What is the variable? I believe it is certainty. With certainty, we react differently than we do when things are uncertain. Our plans are clearer. Our acts, more deliberate and intentional. With uncertainty I become a variety of things - anxious, overwhelmed, complacent and take things for granted. But with uncertainty, I am given great opportunities. The opportunity to learn and improve my situation. To change me in order to survive and thrive. The One from above can provide strength, comfort and energy if in these times I recognize the gift. We are really like 3 year olds. There are certain things that are just on a need to know basis with kids. Thank God that I don't have complete certainty all the time. Then I would know the fullness of tragedy and hurt deeply. I would become lazy and unmotivated to change, improve, love and appreciate. So the gift today in all of this is uncertainty. Certainty can bring a sense of peace, but it is synthetic and transient peace. It is not organic and authentic nor long-lasting. True peace for me comes from a surrender to a power greater than I. In this season of doubt, fear and incredible uncertainty, praise the gift.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Demo - Personal Cause Widget

2008-12-17T05:14:00.001-08:00

Demo - Personal Cause Widget

2008-12-16T11:07:00.001-08:00

Holidays Shouldn't Overwhelm Your Bipolar Disorder

2008-12-15T05:42:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

I was just thinking how different I feel this year at this time than I felt last year at the same time, when I felt so overwhelmed and almost went into a bipolar depression.

This year is different, though. I don't feel so overwhelmed (thank God). For one thing, last year at this time, I had my middle son and his girlfriend living with us, so it was kind of crowded here. On the other hand, this year, I have my youngest son back living with us, so I don't know which is worse! :) But the point is, I'm not even letting my son (and his drama -- he's 19) overwhelm me this year.

We don't have to let the holidays overwhelm us with our bipolar disorder. We can stay calm and relatively stress free, at least as much as we are able. For one thing, like with my son, I don't let him get to me.

This is something you can do with your family members at gatherings. If you can't get away from that one family member who always annoys you at every gathering every year (you know the one I mean), first of all try to stay as far away from them as you can. But if they do seek you out, try to spend as little time with them as you can. Try to stay calm, be patient, and use every stress-relieving technique you know.

Deep-breathing helps, and can be done even without the other person knowing about it. If your hands are under the table, here's another technique you can use: Make fists with your hands (all the time keeping a smile on your lovely face! :)), hold for about 3-4 seconds tightly, then release. Do this as many times as you need to, until the stress has passed.

If the anxiety and stress become too much, excuse yourself and go to another part of the room, making the excuse that you have to "spread yourself around, and don't want to be rude to the other family members." That usually works, and the person won't feel offended. It's a polite way of saying "I've had enough of you." LOL (Works all the time with my husband's cousin, who drives us crazy at holiday time!!!)

If worse comes to worse at holiday gatherings, however, and you do feel that your bipolar disorder is getting out of control, make an excuse and leave the gathering altogether. Your own health and safety is the most important thing. Yes, being with family is important, but not worth an episode. You have to take care of yourself and your disorder first.

As far as shopping, if the stores and malls overwhelm you, do your shopping online. This way, you can stay home and, in the comfort of your own home, you can still get your shopping done and not have to deal with all those (real) crazies out there! LOL Seriously, holiday shopping is a real trigger to many people with bipolar disorder, and online shopping has been a godsend to them as far as keeping their stress at a manageable level.

Decorating your home should be a fun thing. Just don't go so far as to stress yourself out. Your home does NOT have to look like a "winter wonderland," just whatever you want it to be. You are not in competition with your neighbors here, you know. Decorating your home is just a reflection of how you feel about the holidays. It can also change the way you're feeling.

If you are feeling depressed, it can make you feel happier. If you are bored, it can give you something to do. If you haven't been very productive lately, it can give you a sense of accomplishment. But you do NOT have to go overboard! Just a few simple decorations, or a small tree with a few ornaments can put you in that Christmas spirit!

Whatever you choose to do, from visiting family to shopping to decorating your home, please don't let the holidays overwhelm you this year. Try to stay as stress-free as possible while still enjoying the spirit of the season.

Remember that the main thing is maintaining your stability.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Bad Weather Doesn't Mean Bipolar Depression

2008-12-11T11:31:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, it's a gloomy, stormy day outside here today. And it's supposed to snow later on. But that doesn't mean I have to get depressed about it. It all depends on your attitude.

There's something called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) that affects people with bipolar disorder during the winter months and causes them to be depressed, because of the gray weather with no sunlight most of the time.

But I think much of the time we can choose our moods. Oh, I'm not saying that there still isn't a biological element to it. Sometimes those chemicals just fire off whenever they want to and we just get depressed anyway. But like on days like this, I could easily get depressed looking outside my window at all that gray gunk.

Today, though, I choose to be positive. I've spent too much time in my life being the opposite. And I do mean choose. I had so much going for me (especially according to my mom, who says that I wasted every opportunity I ever had)... but I threw it all away. All because I made poor choices and bad decisions. Well, of course I did -- I had/have bipolar disorder!

Now I am stable, though. And with stability comes the ability to make better choices and decisions. So now I can choose to be positive and optimistic. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm not realistic as well. I know that I still have the ups and downs that come with bipolar disorder itself, and the normal ups and downs that come with life itself. No one's life is perfect.

But I can still have a good attitude despite it all. That IS my choice. So today, despite the weather, I can put on my coziest pajamas, snuggle up with a good book, turn up the heat, and enjoy the warmth of my beautiful home... thriving upon the simple things in life. Like the fact that, today at least, I am NOT depressed!

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Don't Overreact Just Because You Don't Feel Well

2008-12-08T06:12:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

I'm sick today. Actually, I've been sick for two days now. My throat burns, I've had that kind of croupy cough, I feel like sleeping all the time, and my head feels like it's in a deep fog. Like I said, I'm sick. And I feel depressed, because I can't do any of my usual things, like work or do anything around the house. I feel useless.

But I am NOT in an episode.

Just because you don't feel well, you shouldn't overreact and assume you're in an episode. It's ok not to feel well. Even if you're depressed because of it, it doesn't necessarily mean you're in a bipolar depressive episode. Even if it goes on for a day or two.

I mean, if you've got more than just "cold" symptoms, and you've got more of the signs and symptoms of an actual episode, you might want to look at the fact that maybe you might be going into an episode, I'm not discounting that, don't get me wrong.

But, like, in my case, I know I'm just "regular" sick, and thinking I'm going into an episode at this point would be an overreaction on my part.

It's ok to be sick, and not to be in an episode. People without bipolar disorder get sick, too! Now I'm kicking myself because I didn't get my flu shot. So I made an appointment for one for after this "bug" is over.

One thing we have to do is watch our health. That's an important part of managing our disorder. If our body runs down, we do take the chance of going into an episode, because it can cause all kinds of havoc with our emotions and all. But we have to balance that, like in my case, with the reality of how sick we are -- whether it is "emotional" sick or just "physical" sick, as in just a cold.

For example, too much stress can lead to headaches, stomach aches, and the like, and these are all physical ailments that come from not taking care of your bipolar disorder. And these are real physical things that you should be managing on your own before they get out of hand, because they can lead to episodes if you don't.

But for me, today, I'm just sick. So if I've rambled, forgive me. It's this fog I'm trying to type through. :)

Anyway, I hope you're all healthy and doing well.

I wish you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Upcoming Autobiography - Watch for it

2008-12-03T09:39:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, it's not even 2009 and time for New Year's resolutions, but I've already started mine. See, I had started writing my autobiography 5 years ago, but haven't touched it since -- I don't know, fear of failure, fear of success, that sort of thing.

But recently I was contacted by a publicist to review a book written by a man whose daughter has bipolar disorder (the book review will be posted on bipolarcentral.com the first week in Jan.), and I sent her an excerpt from the book, and she was very encouraging to me, so...

I am newly inspired to work on the book again. Scared? You bet! But since I went on that In Our Own Voice weekend, it's been important to me to put a face on mental illness, and I know this book could be important for that.

You see, I not only have bipolar disorder, but at one time I had multiple personality disorder as well. And this book has to do with that part of my life. Although it is resolved now, I think there are so many people who struggle with this disorder and have no voice, and I believe that if they read about someone else who had the same disorder and was able to overcome it, that it would give them hope. At least that's what's inspiring me to write it now.

I write this blog to help other people with bipolar disorder, like me. But I don't write about my other disorders (of which I have several). But usually, people who have BP have other disorders as well.

My first one appeared when I was 12, and I was sexually molested by an acquaintance of my father's. That was PTSD. Then at 16, I was diagnosed with chronic major depression (which I now know was only half the story and was most likely bipolar disorder, even at that age), then anxiety/panic disorder. At 19, schizophrenia, which later was amended to be schizoaffective disorder. I also have borderline personality disorder.

And, of course, the everpresent OCPD (which is different from OCD) -- Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. That's where I get my strive for perfectionism. But I'm still working that out in therapy.

None of us is perfect, least of all me. We all have our daily struggles, some worse than others. Bipolar disorder alone can be debilitating for some people -- for them, just getting through a day without losing it is almost a miracle. Some are grateful just for stability with their disorder.

But we are all survivors (thus my name, bipolar survivor). Every day we get through without an episode is by the grace of a loving God (and a lot of work on our part to maintain our stability). Never downplay the strength you have to be a survivor. Every difficult day you have, remind yourself of that fact. YOU ARE A SURVIVOR! You have gotten through worse days and survived them, and you will get through this day, too.

If you ever doubt it, look at me. I have/have had 10 mental illnesses. Some I still have, and some have been resolved. Every day is nothing less than a miracle for me. I am not the same person I was before. I am a survivor. I am an overcomer. I am a miracle.

I am who I am. I am who God made me to be. There have been times that I have questioned that if God loves me so much, then why hasn't he healed me of my mental illnesses? Do I not have enough faith? Am I not a good enough Christian? But now I understand that if I were healed, I wouldn't be able to encourage others with my faith and support like I can on this blog and the articles I write... and now with this book I'm going to write.

Some people are lucky enough to know their mission in life. I know mine. To pass along God's love and encouragement through my writing and teaching, to be a good example of how you can overcome life's adversity... of how you can take everything this life throws at you and still believe, still pick your head up each day and try again... and come out ahead in the end -- to survive. To better than just survive. To be a success at your own life.

There's a quote I keep taped to my computer: "When you stop making excuses, stop listening to the naysayers and stop fearing failure, only then can you start making your dreams come true."
(Meredith Maran).

Guess I should start writing that book, huh?

Wishing you peace and stability,

God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-26T14:00:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, tomorrow's Thanksgiving, and for some of us with bipolar disorder, it's not always an easy time. For myself, well, I remember 3 Thanksgivings ago, when I was in the middle of a course of ECT (shock treatments), and I still don't remember that day at all, and today I am thankful for my stability.

But on Thanksgiving, we go to my husband's grandmother's house, where all my husband's family gathers for the day. Since both my husband and I have bipolar, it isn't easy for us. We both feel overwhelmed and anxious, so we can only stay for a couple hours. But we know this, so we're prepared in advance.

We know all the kids will be there, which is a trigger for us, so we go to the furthest place away from them that we can, and we stay there. It's also easier for us, because we can maintain the smallest amount of conversation we have to with anyone else as well.

See, we're used to our small world at home. It's comfortable and safe for us here. It's a place where we can maintain our stability. Maybe someone else might look at us and accuse us of hiding, but we don't look at it that way. There is peace and serenity here. And very little stress (which is another bipolar trigger). We enjoy being with each other, and we're not bored.

When we have to be around a bunch of people, like at the holidays, stress becomes greater, and we have to watch ourselves. That's why we keep the contact down to a minimum (like only a couple of hours), and basically stay in a corner by ourselves, or only around his mom, or a couple people we feel safe with.

These are just some of the coping mechanisms that we've developed over the years that have gotten us through the holidays. But we've learned this the hard way, because we have gone through years when it wasn't so easy.

I remember the first year I had to go to Bill's grandma's house for a holiday meal and I wasn't prepared for all the noise, and I got overwhelmed and ran into the closest bedroom and had an anxiety attack. I couldn't come out of that bedroom until Bill calmed me down and finally persuaded me that he would take me home if I would just come out of that room. He made our apologies and took me home.

Then the year of ECT, well, I was just so out of it. One of his cousins just talked and talked and talked at me, and I mean AT me the whole time. All I did was stare back at her. I had nothing to say. I felt like a cornered animal.

See, for some people holiday times are happy times. And Thanksgiving truly is a time for thanks-giving. But for others, it's a really stressful time. And it's hard for family to understand that.

But there's that other side of the coin that we have to understand, too. Our families love us. Just the way we are. They want us to be part of family celebrations just because. Just because we're, well, just because we're part of the family. And they don't have any expectations that we're going to be perfect (we're the ones with those expectations). They'll understand if you have to leave early because you feel overwhelmed. They'll just be glad for any time that you can spend with them. So don't avoid them just because you're embarrassed about your bipolar disorder. Do the best you can with it, and they'll understand. They're your family, and they love you.

This year we're going to Mamaw's. Kids and all. We're not going to stay long. We never do. And we're going more for Mamaw's sake than ours. If we had our way, we'd stay home in our nice, peaceful, safe home. But they're family. And it's only two hours -- we can spare that to put a smile on a few faces. And besides, if we feel overwhelmed after only an hour, we can always leave. That's our choice.

So anyway, I just wanted to share these thoughts with you. If you are stable and healthy, be very, very thankful for that. And pray for those who aren't.

If you are struggling with your bipolar right now, be thankful that at least you aren't in the hospital and can read this right now. There is always something to be thankful about, even if it's only the small things. You are alive. You have a chance for stability -- recovery IS possible. And you have this place to come to, where you know you're not alone, at Thanksgiving, as always.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I wish you peace and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Perfectionism and Bipolar Disorder

2008-11-24T04:48:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

I am the ultimate perfectionist. Yes, me. I even got a fortune cookie one time that said, "You have a yearning for perfection," do you believe that?" Even Confusius knows it!

But it's a real battle for me. I expect things from myself that I would never expect from anyone else, and it really messes with my bipolar disorder, because, well, no one's perfect, and no one can live with that kind of stress.

So I was talking to someone about it lately, and they told me, "It's ok to strive for perfection, as long as you don't expect to arrive at perfection."

It's ok to make mistakes. That's what I've been learning. If you don't learn that, you'll be bound up in fear (which is also bad for our bipolar disorder).

In one of the devotionals I read every morning, I read, "We are willing to make mistakes and to stumble, provided we are always stumbling forward. We are not so interested in what we are as in what we are becoming. We are on the way, not at the goal. And we will be on the way as long as we live."

I really like that. I try to be so perfect with my writing. But when I saw this, it was like it gave me permission to make mistakes, to not always expect such perfection from myself or my writing.

And that it's ok to stumble, as long as we're always stumbling forward. Too many of us think that if we stumble, we fail. And then we don't get up. We get depressed. And then the next thing you know, we're in a bipolar depressive episode.

Well, I am hereby giving you permission to not be perfect, to make mistakes, and to stumble, as long as you stumble forward, just as that permission was given to me.

Whew – that was such a load off my back, when I read that!

I especially love the line that says, "We are not so interested in what we are as in what we are becoming."

In that strive for perfection, I was always trying to be something I'm not. Trying to be the "perfect Michele." But this past week I realized I am already the "perfect Michele," because I am the way God made me. Now, that doesn't mean I can't stop growing. Sure, I need a few tweaks here and there – we all do – because I can't stop growing.

But we need to accept ourselves as God accepts us – just the way we are.

Then we can accept the line from the reading that says, "We are on the way, not at the goal. And we will be on the way as long as we live."

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

My Husband Had a Bipolar Episode

2008-11-20T05:16:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

My husband went into a bipolar episode yesterday, and I had no choice but to take him to the hospital. Sometimes I forget that not only do I have bipolar disorder, but so does he. I also forget that, as a supporter, I'm supposed to be watching for signs and symptoms in him, but I swear, I never saw this coming. Or maybe I did, but I just explained it away as other things. He just kept telling me he was fine, and I guess I just wanted to believe it so bad...

I didn't want to believe that my wonderful husband, my best friend, my soulmate, MY supporter, was having a bipolar episode of his own.

At first, I just felt lost, helpless, and very, very sacred, both for him and for me. I just didn't know what to do.

When I tried to talk to him about it that morning, I could tell he was no longer rational. He told me, "Why don't you just take your work to the library? This isn't Disneyland, you know." Then I knew he was truly in a deep bipolar episode, and I wasn't going to able to bring him out of it at home, or by myself. We needed help.

I realized then that I'm not God, or a psychiatrist, or a therapist. That no matter how much I loved him, love just wasn't going to be enough.

So I called his therapist, and she agreed that I should take him to the hospital. And I called his psychiatrist and left a message that he was in a bipolar episode and that I was taking him to the hospital. I made a list of my husband's symptoms that I had noticed over the past 3 days and a list of his medications with dosages and when he was supposed to take them, while I had him pack some clothes to take with him.

Then I took the lists, the clothes, and my husband to the hospital.

On the way there, he would alternate between agreeing it was the right thing to do and knowing he was in an episode...to being like a scared little boy, wondering what we were doing. So much so that, while at first I may have doubted my decision, I knew then that it was assuredly the right thing to do. My husband was sick, and he needed help.

The questions he was asked at the hospital only compounded his confusion further, and his diagnosis was confirmed. My husband was definitely in a bipolar episode.

I know he's in a safe place now. He'll get the sleep he needs (it turns out he was only sleeping 2-3 hours a night), and they'll adjust his medication so he can get better and come home soon.

I know, because when I had my last bipolar episode, that's where he took me.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Bipolar Disorder and Coming Out of Our Shells

2008-11-17T06:02:00.001-08:00

Hey, y'all --

This past weekend I finally came out from hiding behind this keyboard in my home and took a risk, coming out of my comfortable shell, driving to Chattanooga, and attending a weekend workshop sponsored by NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness) to learn how to be a presenter for the In Our Own Voice program.

Wow. What an incredible weekend! The purpose was to learn how to tell our own story about mental illness, so then we could present it to other people (groups, consumers, civic organizations, etc.). But I never could have anticipated what it was really all about...

How could I possibly describe to you the feeling of being around so many other people just like me, who have been through the same suffering and pain, hiding behind closed doors, thinking that no one else would ever understand?

I met other people who not only had bipolar disorder, but other disorders along with it. And they've survived to tell the tale. They were such an inspiration to me!

One of the trainers has a website at: www.everyminute.org, about suicide, and I would recommend that every one of you check it out. It will blow your socks off, I'm telling you!

When I first got there, I was scared to death. I had no idea what to expect. But then, neither did anyone else, so I guess there was unity right from the start, because we were all in the same boat!

But as the weekend went on, it was like we were all brothers and sisters in the same family, which is what we were -- we all suffer from mental illness.

We learned how to tell our own stories as, the program says, "In Our Own Voice."

I would highly recommend that any of you that are interested in learning more about this program contact Lisa Corbin at Nami TN (if you're in TN), or NAMI nationally for more information. No matter how scared you are about telling your story, we all need to put a face on mental illness, so others can know that they're not alone.

I grew so much this past weekend. I thought I didn't have anything to say. Now I know that I do. People need to know that they're not the only ones struggling with their disorders. They need to know that recovery IS a possibility for them! And they need to know that there is HOPE most of all.

I remember when I thought there was no hope for me at all. Now look at me.

After 5 attempts at suicide, 5 failed marriages, countless jobs, 10 mental illnesses, and not just a broken brain, but a broken life...

I'm now full of life, happily married to a wonderful man who loves me very much, I've been writing for www.bipolarcentral.com for 3-1/2 yrs. now, I am stable from all my mental illnesses, and my life is so successful, productive, and happy... and I would never, ever think of killing myself again -- I have SO much to live for now!

And if I can do it, with so much going against me, you can too!

That's the message I have for you today. That recovery is possible. And it is possible for you. No matter how bad things look right now, they can get better. If it happened for me, it can happen for you, too.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Alone with My Bipolar

2008-11-12T13:41:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Do you ever feel like that? Like you and your bipolar disorder are off alone in your own little corner of the world and nobody knows, and even if they did, they wouldn't understand?

I was reminded of the expression the other day that "only an alcoholic can understand another alcoholic." Well, I think it's the same for us, too. Only someone with bipolar disorder can understand someone else with bipolar disorder.

Sometimes I think no one reads these ramblings of mine. I went back and read my posts from way back in 2005, where I had 45 posts in reply. Now I get 0. It gets discouraging, ya know? I feel so alone.

But I keep going, because the original intent (and still my heart's hope) is that if I can only help one person out there who is struggling with their bipolar disorder, then I've done some good.

And who am I to complain, anyway? Me, with the attitude and advice that, "No matter how bad you've got it, someone else has it worse"? Me, the originator of the ultimate positive attitude.

Well, I hate to say it, but I get down, too. I'm not perfect. Sometimes I feel pressured. Sometimes I wonder where this big S on my chest came from. And you know who put it there? I DID! Somewhere I got the idea that I could save the world of bipolar with my witty words and advice and personal experience that other people could relate to. But ya know what?

I'm no superwoman. And advice is just advice. Everyone has their own. All I can do is share my experience, strength, and hope with you and hope that something I say, something from my heart touches something in one of yours, and it helps you to get through one more day. Then I think I've done some good.

Because I remember when I was first diagnosed -- I felt so, so alone. I felt crazy. Really crazy. Bipolar disorder. Well, at least someone finally gave me a name for my insanity! In a funny way, it actually made me happy. But I still struggled so much. And it didn't take away my pain just to have a diagnosis, either. I still hurt so badly.

At that time, there wasn't a blog like this that I could go to where someone shared the ups and downs of living with bipolar disorder. So that's why I decided to start this one. So please tell me you're out there. Please tell me I'm not alone.

There are so many people struggling with this disorder. So many people who don't have others that care about them. Many don't even have supporters or family who can help them get through this, and I feel so sad for them.

I've checked out other blogs, and they're just like the person's diary. I don't like that (oh, gosh, is that a terrible thing to say?). I don't want to read about someone else's problems. I want to learn what to do about mine. I mean, I don't want to sound selfish or anything, but I've found out some things since I started this blog. I've learned some lessons along the way.

I've tried to pass them along to you. I've made mistakes, and I've tried to keep you from making them. I've learned what works and what doesn't work, and I've tried to teach you. I've tried to extend my hand and hoped that you'd extend yours in return.

I have the love of God to share, and hoped that you do, too. I miss that. I miss the sharing that we had back then.

I miss how people used to help other people on this blog. There was SO much of that, remember? I talked about it as a family, each person helping the other -- I just kind of stood on the sidelines a lot of the time. I mean, a family as big as 45 sometimes? That's a pretty big family!

But now I wonder where everyone's gone.

It's like my grown children. When my boys were little, I used to think, "I can't wait till they grow up." Well, now they're grown up and I hardly ever see them, and I miss them. I wish I could see them more. And I regret my words that I said when they were little. The time went so fast!

So...the moral of the story is... no witty words today. No preaching. No fancy comments. No wise words of advice.

Just words from my heart. I'm lonely here all by myself. I hope you're out there listening. And I wish you'd talk back. I wish you'd tell me how you're feeling. And some of the things you're dealing with. And if they're the same things I'm dealing with, too. Then maybe we can all talk about them again, like we used to.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Stop Caring What Other People Think of You

2008-11-10T06:54:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

I've really struggled in the past with caring too much about what other people think of me, and I know some of you have, too.

Until one day I had a conversation with someone and they told me, "That's none of your business."

I was really taken aback.

"What?" I asked.

"What other people think of you." The person said. "It's none of your business."

I had to think about that, because I sure didn't get it at first.

How could it be none of my business? It sure WAS my business what other people thought of me! It sure DID matter whether they liked me or not!

Especially because I had/have bipolar disorder.

It's like because you have this "hidden handicap," you are "emotionally handicapped" as well.

I mean, other people are concerned about what people think about them as well, but it seems that we are overly concerned just because we have bipolar disorder. Like it makes us different from them somehow.

Now, I won't get up on my soapbox (not in this post, anyway) about how we ARE different, but in good ways, more creative, etc...

But that person is right. It really is none of my business what other people think of me. Whether they like me or not has nothing to do with whether I'm a good person or not. I should be a good person DESPITE what other people think of me!

We need to stop caring what other people think of us and just be ourselves!

Just be who we are, and let people think what they want to think. It really is none of our business what people think of us (negative or positive), and we're just wasting precious energy trying to please other people when we could be using our energy to help the people who need our help, to love the people who do appreciate us for who we are.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Spirituality and Bipolar Disorder

2008-11-06T06:45:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

I had someone ask me yesterday if I am a Christian. And I was almost embarrassed to answer, because I don't feel as if I've been a very good one lately. I mean, I wrote those daily devotionals for people with BP and all, but that doesn't make me a good Christian. Those are just works. They're not representative of my faith.

And right now I'm struggling with my faith. I seem to want to do things my way instead of God's way, when it's supposed to be the opposite. It's like taking something to the altar, leaving it there, then two steps away from the altar, there it is again in my hands. Now God didn't put it back there, I did, right?

I have faith. I know I do. But I also have fear. And right now I'm praying for God's direction on something very important having to do with my writing. I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision, and that fear has me paralyzed.

I'm so good at giving advice to other people, but so bad at it myself, know what I mean?

Well, the Bible says, "If any man lack wisdom, let him ask of God." So that's what I did.

And here's the answer I got: "I do not have the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

I first learned that scripture when I was really struggling with my bipolar disorder and my spirituality. I thought, "If God loved me, He would just heal my bipolar." But then I found that scripture.

And it told me that God HAS given me a SOUND MIND! It doesn't mean that I don't stuggle with the symptoms of BP from time to time just like y'all do, but I can think about that scripture, and it's like a positive affirmation, and it really does help.

But anyway, back to my fear. Ohhhh...yeah....I get it (thanks, God!)! I can use that same scripture on my fear! "I do not have the spirit of fear..."

Wow. Isn't God great?

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Physical Just as Important w/Bipolar Disorder

2008-11-03T04:48:00.000-08:00

Hey, ya'll --

I've been having a real bad time of it lately physically.

I had an MRI done on my neck and it showed bone spurs and decreased spinal fluid. I don't know what all the doctor-speak means, all I know is I have incredible pain in my arm and it hurts whenever I move it certain ways. I mean excuciating pain sometimes! My husband says I even cry out in my sleep from this.

Now, I have no idea what this problem has to do with pain in my arm, but my doctor thinks it's a pinched nerve in my neck.

I've already had 2 steroid shots into my arm and a shot into my neck, both of which didn't work, so now I'm in physical therapy for it.

The physical therapy was working for awhile, but now it's become painful.

I know they say it hurts before it becomes better, but now I'm getting real frustrated.

The pain was getting better! Then last session she added another exercise that was really painful for me, and I'm supposed to do this exercise 4 times a day (which I've done), and it seems like I'm worse again.

I don't mean to complain, but to bring up a point.

If we don't take care of ourselves physically, it can affect our bipolar disorder.

Right now I'm only frustrated. But if I start to get depressed because of all the pain, or if I don't do anything about it (I'm going to have a talk with the therapist today), I'd get more depressed, and more depression can lead into a bipolar episode.

The bottom line here is, if you didn't have the disorder, you'd go to the doctor if you didn't feel good, right? You wouldn't expect it to get better on its own.

If you had the flu, you'd take medicine to make you feel better.

Well, just like you take care of yourself physically, you have to take care of yourself emotionally as well.

Bipolar disorder isn't going to go away on its own. It's not going to get "fixed" on its own.

Like going to the doctor if you don't feel well physically, if you don't "feel well" emotionally, if you feel "off," or not like yourself, you need to call your psychiatrist to find out what's going on.

That's at least as important, if not more.

And you have to be proactive about it, just like I'm being proactive about the pain in my arm by having a talk with the therapist today (and, if that isn't successful, I'll have a talk with my referring doctor about it).

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

What to do When Everything is Going Right

2008-10-30T05:11:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all -

I was reminded the other day of a topic I'd brought up at an AA mtg a couple years ago: "What do you do when everything is going RIGHT in your life?"

I kinda felt at that time that the answer was, "You wait for the other shoe to fall."

That reflected my negative attitude at the time.

But now my answer is, "You count your blessings."

Let me ask you -- When was your last episode?

If it's been a while, then count your blessings.

With bipolar disorder, it's not IF we're going to have another episode, but WHEN (and how severe).

If we don't believe that, we can get complacent, and that episode will sneak up on us when we're not ready for it. We'll stop watching for signs and symptoms, and not be able to catch the episode before it happens, or at least catch it while it's still a "mini-episode" and before it turns into a full-blown episode.

I'm not saying to be so vigilant to the exclusion of everything else in your life by any means (or else the bipolar will have control over your life instead of the other way around, which is what you don't want), but just to be aware.

And I'm not saying to "wait until the other shoe drops" when things are going right.

Just enjoy when things are going right. Count your blessings when things are going right.

But be aware that things can change at any time, and be prepared.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Replace Bad Thoughts with Good Ones for Bipolar Health

2008-10-28T07:16:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

I was talking to my mom yesterday, and I don't know about you, but my mom has what I call the "mom button."

I can be talking to her about anything and everything that's going on in my life, happy as can be, and then she pushes the "mom button," and the next thing I know I'm crying and telling her all about my problems!

Well, here I was talking to her yesterday, and telling her about my problems, and she had some sage advice. Because she has bipolar disorder too, I usually listen closely (and follow) her advice.

She told me to replace every bad thought with a good one. Specifically, that every time I think of a problem, to think of something that's going right.

So I tried it last night.

I thought about the heater that isn't working right. Then I thought, "Well, I'm comfy under all these covers, and I'm pretty warm."

I thought about my bipolar disorder and how I'm so tired of having it. Then I thought, "Well, I'm stable and high-functioning, so that's not so bad."

I thought about my teenage son and how he's back home living with us (again). Then I thought, "But he really isn't here that often."

I thought about all the repairs that need to be made around the house. Then I thought, "But I live in a beautiful house, where at one point I was homeless."

I thought about how my husband is in so much pain from his surgery. Then I thought, "At least he's recovering, and it could have been worse."

Last night, I fell asleep counting my blessings. Mom was right!

Try this and let me know how it works for you.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Bipolar? No Matter How Bad You've Got It...

2008-10-24T05:42:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

My husband had to have surgery the other day, and what was supposed to be a simple, same-day surgery ended up with complications and he had to stay overnight so, of course, I stayed with him.

I worried and, needless to say, it was hard to watch him in that much pain, so a couple of times I just had to take a break, going to the gift shop or the cafeteria, or whatever.

While I was in the surgery waiting room and on breaks, I overheard other conversations and I felt guilty, because some of these people really had it rough.

I talked to one woman who had cancer herself, yet was there waiting on her 21-year-old daughter to have surgery on a growth they had found in a really bad spot in her body.

There was another woman whose husband had had a stroke, and they didn't even know if he would be able to walk again.

It just made me so sad. So much pain and hurt there.

I felt guilty that I was so selfish, so concerned for myself, my husband, and our own situation, that I had lost sight of the fact that no matter how bad we've got it, there are always other people out there who've got it worse.

I'm not discounting the fact that bipolar is bad enough to live with, but if that's the worst thing we've got, then we can deal with that.

This whole experience helped me get things in perspective.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Sleep and Bipolar Disorder

2008-10-20T04:51:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

I wanted to talk to you today about sleep, because too many people underrate its importance with their bipolar disorder. You wouldn't believe how many people go into episodes over this seemingly small thing!

Sometimes when someone goes into an episode, they think it's because of their meds, when it was really caused (at least in the beginning) by their loss of sleep. You're supposed to have 8-9 uninterrupted hours of sleep every night if you have BP.

If that sleep is interrupted, or if you start getting less than 8 hours, for a period of time, it can lead to an episode.

I know, because it's happened to both me and my husband, and we've both gone into manic episodes because of it.

Here's another example of how important sleep is:

At one point, I was waking up as tired in the morning as I was before I went to bed. It wasn't my medications, and it wasn't a side effect of my medications.

It was a side effect of poor sleep.

I had a sleep study done, and found out that I wasn't getting uninterrupted sleep. It was fixed with what they call a CPAP machine, and now I sleep through the night.

Just wanted you to know this, because you need to have good sleep habits to prevent bipolar episodes.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Don't Let Your Bipolar Disorder Overwhelm You

2008-10-16T13:05:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.

I just got the results of an MRI on my neck today and found out I've got bone spurs and decreased spinal fluid on my C-spine and discs. What does that mean? It means it explains the pain I've been having in my arm for 4 months, to begin with. It also means possible surgery, altho we're trying a few other things first.

Now, my first reaction was panic. But I practiced what I preach, and I started self-affirmations and calmed down right away. (Like, "They're not saying you have to have surgery right now. You can worry about that later. And it isn't life-threatening.")

Then I started thinking positive. If these other things work, I will be out of pain. So I'm believing that these other things will work. I don't mind the physical therapy. The steriod shot in my neck I'm not too crazy about, because I had one before, and it didn't go too well. But, again, I can choose to be negative or positive, and I'm choosing to be positive. Just because the other one wasn't the greatest of experiences, doesn't mean this one won't be a good one.

The good news is, I do have a choice. I can let things overwhelm me, or I can choose not to let them overwhelm me. Like my bipolar disorder.

One of the reasons I'm stable is that I don't let my bipolar overwhelm me any more. Oh, it used to. But then I learned ways not to let it. Medication played a big part in my stability. But so did stress reduction and relaxation techniques, affirmations, and a positive attitude.

You have choices, just as you saw me illustrate above. You can choose to let things overwhelm you or not. You can let your bipolar disorder overwhelm you and control you or you can take control over it.

You CAN learn to manage your disorder!

Just like I WILL gain control over this pain. I WILL do the things necessary to gain control over what's causing it. Even if it means eventually having an operation. I will accept that if it becomes necessary.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Remember to Take Short Breaks

2008-10-13T06:42:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Yesterday I was changing out my summer clothes to winter clothes, and got so caught up in it, that hours had passed before I realized that I hadn't taken a break.

Well, guess what?

I was exhausted, irritable, and needless to say, had it gone on much longer, my bipolar disorder would have suffered.

Now, I know this sounds like a small thing, but it's something you need to know.

When you're doing a big project, or even if you're working all day at a job, you need to take several short breaks. If you're working, you need to take more than the allotted 2 ten-minute breaks (it's important to your bipolar disorder, and I'm sure your boss will understand).

Otherwise, you will burn out. You will feel overwhelmed.

One time I tried to clean out my closet, and got so caught up in it without taking breaks that I burned out. I could NOT finish cleaning out my closet. Then I felt worse than I did before I started the project, because I hadn't completed what I started out to do.

When you feel overwhelmed, it can lead to depression, and you know that is one place you do NOT want to go when you have bipolar disorder.

So if something so easy to do as take short breaks can keep you from going there, why not do it?

Today, I still practice this. You would think it would be a disruption to my work, but it actually helps my work performance a great deal. I take a 10-minute break every 2 hours, and it keeps me from feeling overwhelmed. I actually get MORE work done, believe it or not!

I wish you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Getting Back to Bipolar Basics - Affirmations

2008-10-11T06:22:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Recently I was reminded that I've been stable for so long that I've forgotten where I came from, and that can be bad. Santayana, a great philosopher said, "Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it." I sure don't want to repeat my mistakes, or it's back to the institution for me!

So, it's back to the basics...

One of the things that's helped me the most is positive affirmations.

I learned this lesson the hard way. Because of having the type of bipolar that I do, without medication I heard voices when I hallucinated. Oh, not the type that told me to kill myself or anything, but kind of "background voices" like you would hear in a restaurant while you're eating -- you don't know what they're saying, but you know they're there.

So I taught myself affirmations, like: "Michele, you're not really hearing these things. It's just the bipolar talking."

Other times, when I'd be really anxious and nervous, I'd say to myself, "I'm only feeling this way because of the bipolar. It'll pass."

Sometimes, when I'd feel really crazy, and afraid that I'd end up in the hospital again, I'd say, "You've been here before and made it through, and you'll make it through this time, too."

When it got really bad, I'd tell myself, "Michele, you're getting out of control. Get a grip. You can do it, I know you can. Practice the things you've learned." or, "Michele, you are NOT superman, you need help."

These are some of the kinds of affirmations I'm talking about. They've gotten me through some pretty tough times.

Affirmations are any positive statements you say to yourself that help you get through whatever situation you are facing at the time.

There are also positive affirmations you can say on a daily basis. I've done this saying them to myself in the mirror every day, especially when I was first diagnosed.

I'd say things like, "You have bipolar disorder, but you are still ok as a person. You are NOT your disorder."

Or, "Today is going to be a great day. I am not going to let anything upset me."

Or, "I am going to maintain my stability today. I am going to do my best to stay stress-free."

These are positive affirmations that really helped me. Now, I'm not saying that they worked perfectly every day. Again, like I said, I am not superman. And I'm not perfect (another thing I had to learn the hard way).

But I still use affirmations today, and they do help me to maintain my stability.

Wishing you peace and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Balance is the Name of the Game with Bipolar

2008-10-10T05:50:00.001-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, back from vacation means back to work! Being me, I have a tendency to overcompensate, so I'm trying to play catch-up as well as do all new work, so I'm pretty busy.

The problem is that, with that comes a tendency to put work before my bipolar disorder, and that is a HUGE no-no!!!

I'm not saying that bipolar disorder should come before EVERYTHING else, but I'm saying that we need to learn balance. I've learned very well how to manage my disorder, and balance is one of the main things I've had to practice in order to maintain my stability.

In order to keep balance in your life, you have to prioritize. The problem is, sometimes I forget that, and hey -- I've got to practice what I preach, right?

Like last night, I worked until 7:30 pm, because I was working on a big project and I wanted to finish it. So who got neglected? Well, hubby, of course. Fortunately, he is the most wonderful supporter in the world and he was so gracious about it. But still, it was a sign that I had my priorities out of order.

Too much of that, and for too long a period of time, and your bipolar disorder can get out of whack, know what I mean?

Balance. That's the name of the game.

So, anyway, how come everyone's so quiet? Talk to me -- what's going on with y'all? I worry when I don't hear from you.

In the meantime, I wish you peace and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Distractions Can Affect Bipolar Distorder

2008-10-07T05:48:00.001-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, I'm back from my vacation, and I wanted to share some insights about what happened.

The first week was great. We stayed in a condo right on the beach on Sanibel Island, FL. It was everything I could have asked for. Weather was beautiful...beach...pool...privacy...company of a wonderful man (hubby)...peace and quiet...away from work...relaxation...

The second week was just the opposite. It rained for days in a row... construction going on... hammering all day right next door to us... loud noises all the time (and I mean LOUD noises!)... until the last straw...

We woke up one morning and had our usual coffee on the screened-in balcony...

And all of a sudden there was a HUGE noise...

It was a crane!!!

And it held some painters moved up to OUR screened in balcony by a boon -- OUR balcony window! Right in front of us -- on the second floor balcony!!!

Now, this was like 7:30 in the morning, you need to know.

It was like watching a big screen TV, these two painters painting the balcony right in front of us while we sat there drinking our morning coffee in our pajamas! If it weren't so aggravating, it would probably be funny (you're probably smiling as you read this).

And every time they needed to move over to paint another small area of the balcony, the big noise of the crane and the boon would start up again. This went on for over an hour and a half!

Besides the noise... besides the interruption of our morning quiet time together... besides the fact that here are two strange men watching us while they painted right in front of us...

Was the fact that the paint fumes gave me a migraine and aggravated hubby's occipital neuralgia (pain in his head).

So that was the last straw! And we packed up and left, cutting our vacation short.

Oh, I forgot to tell you -- when we complained to management about the construction and all the noise and the painters and all, all they said was, "Oh, it's just a little maintenance." Just a little maintenance??? And they wouldn't do anything about it (like move them to another part of the resort where no one was staying at the time, maybe???)

Anyway, the point of all this is that distractions can aggravate your bipolar disorder. They can be triggers. Of course, this was a huge distraction for me, and my anxiety level shot sky high. If we hadn't left when we did, my disorder would've shown its ugly head much more than it did.

As it was, I had to take my anti-anxiety medication to calm down. And head home early.

As far as hubby's BP, it triggered his irritability, and he had to take his medication for that. I think he packed faster than I did!

Lesson to be learned: When you have bipolar disorder and you're going somewhere away from home, away from where you feel safe and comfortable (and stable)...

Always leave yourself a way out.

Fortunately, we were able to leave early, as we were in a resort and we had driven there. If it had been a cruise and something had happened and our bipolar disorders had been upset because of distractions, we would not have had a way out.

Also, always, and I repeat ALWAYS, make sure you take enough medication for your trip. That was one thing we did -- we made sure ahead of time that we not only had enough for the 2 weeks, but enough for a few days after as well, which was good because we arrived home on a Sunday.

Anyway, I know this has been longer than I usually post, but I wanted to tell you the whole story.

Moral of the story? Before you go anywhere, consider all the scenarios of what might happen and plan for all eventualities.

We could have found out ahead of time that September is this resort's usual "maintenance month" every year if we had asked ahead of time if there was anything "special" we needed to know ahead of time that would affect our stay. If we had known to ask if there was anything out of the ordinary going on at the time that we would be there.

I know it seems like a strange question to ask, but consider this: What if you are planning to stay in a quiet hotel... and then find out a convention is being held at that same time? You wouldn't know that unless you asked ahead of time.

Or what if you are planning a week's vacation at a cozy getaway, and find out it's Spring Break, and a bunch of teenagers are staying there at the same time?

Well, like I said, it's great to be home! (Like Dorothy says in the Wizard of Oz, There's no place like home...There's no place like home...There's no place like home!).

Wishing you peace and stability... (and I hope y'all did ok while I was gone, tell me about everything!)

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Going on Vacation

2008-09-15T08:53:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

I'm going on vacation for 2 weeks and not sure if they have Internet there, so if you don't hear from me, don't worry, ok?

I hope y'all stay stable and are ok. I worry about you, you know.

See you when I get back! :)

I wish you peace and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Everybody Needs a Vacation

2008-09-15T07:29:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, it's true -- everybody does need a vacation, and I'm taking mine in the next two weeks, so I won't be posting on here (unless where I'm going has Internet access, which I'm not sure it does).

I'm going to an island in Florida. Now, before you go thinking I'm all rich and famous...

My aunt has an interval ownership at this resort in Florida, and she can't go this year so she's giving it to hubby and me for an anniversary present -- two whole weeks on the beach! I'm so excited, an actual break from work, which is always hard.

I'll be thinking of all of you, though, as I always do.

So, keep on doing what you're doing to stay stable, and you should be all right.

Like I said, I'll try to post if I can, but if you don't hear from me, just know that I'm all right.

I wish you peace and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Yard Sale Story

2008-09-07T08:36:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

This past weekend I spent 3 days having a yard sale (1 day setting up and 2 days running it), and I feel like I worked a "real" job! I am totally exhausted!

Of course, the yard sale was HUGE! I spent 2 months going thru my house to gather things together to sell at the yard sale (per my therapist's instructions), and had enough to have 3 loooong rows of tables full of stuff. I mean, we used tables, doors across tables to stretch between to make more room -- anything we could find!

My therapist told me that my house was too cluttered, and that was part of the reason I was so depressed (I think I told you about this) -- that just looking at everything was making me feel so overwhelmed that I couldn't do anything to unclutter it. I just couldn't clean my house at all! Which, of course, depressed me.

So she suggested having a yard sale, and taking one small area at a time. I was to go thru the one area, and take each piece, decide if I REALLY wanted to keep it, or if I could part with it. If I could part with it, I put a tag on it, and it went into the tub for the yard sale. And then I would go onto the next small area, until I'd gone thru the whole house. However long it took. (I told you it took me 2 months, a little at a time, so I was never overwhelmed.)

Once I had everything unpacked from ALL these tubs (there were around 10 of them!) and saw everything displayed, I just could not believe all this stuff came out of my little ole house!

But I tell you one thing, not one of those items was going back IN my house! I decided that once everything was packed up and my house was nice and neat and uncluttered. It's beautiful now, and I feel so peaceful inside. And no more depression, that's the main thing!

So, when the yard sale was over, instead of taking everything to the dump (and even tho we made our goal money-wise), or giving it to Goodwill, we donated it to a church rummage sale, which they're having next week.

We made more than enough money, and they still had to make 3 trips in a truck to take what was left over! I just can't get over how much stuff I pulled out of my house! That's how much of a pack rat I was.

Now things are so much simpler to keep track of, and my house doesn't look as "busy." It looks as calm and peaceful as I feel.

Anyway, that's my yard sale story.

Anybody else know what I mean?

Wishing you peace and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Holidays are Hard for Some People w/BP

2008-09-02T06:24:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

I hope you had a good Labor Day. Unfortunately, I know that for some of you it was a difficult day.

For people with bipolar disorder, holidays and family gatherings can even be triggers to bipolar episodes. These types of things can be added stress on the person, which is the trigger to begin with.

Then, having to deal with difficult family relationships, noise levels, being somewhere you may not want to be (and/or for longer than you want to be there), events you may have to participate in, expectations of you that you're afraid you can't meet...

And all the other things involved in family gatherings at the holidays, do not fare well for someone with bipolar disorder.

So this year I decided to stay home. Yep. No family BBQ's or anything. My youngest spent the day with his friends. My middle son moved back up to NY, so he's not here. My oldest son spent the day with his girlfriend's family. So it was just my husband and me and our dog.

We had a wonderful, peaceful, non-stressful day. We rested. We spent time alone together. We watched some TV (later he watched Monday Night Football while I watched CSI in the other room). I did crossword puzzles while he read.

It was a wonderful day!

Now, you might not find it very exciting. But we both have bipolar disorder, and we have to manage it the way it works best for us. So since we don't do well at family gatherings (for the reasons I listed above), we thoroughly enjoyed our Labor Day at home this year.

I hope you had a good day, too.

Wishing you peace and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Humor and Bipolar Disorder

2008-08-27T06:07:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

I'm always reading material on stress management, and I came across something in a book that I wanted to share with you. Take a deep, gentle breath, relax...read this slowly and thoughtfully:

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I totally cracked up when I read that last line! It got me good, I'll tell you!

Humor is so important when you've got bipolar disorder. To me, sometimes, if I don't laugh, I'll cry, you know?

But if we keep our sense of humor, it makes it easier to live with the tougher times that this disorder has us go through.

Wishing you peace and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Don't Enable Others

2008-08-25T04:50:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

I just wanted to write a quick post on not enabling others.

My son called last night. Now, this is my 18-yr-old who just moved out a short time ago, wouldn't listen to any of my advice, moved in with a couple of friends, is still without a job.

We're getting ready to go to Florida for a couple of weeks, and trying to decide what to do with our dog. It would cost about $175 to board her, but we have a friend who said he would house sit and watch her for free.

Now my son called (desperate-sounding) and asked if he could do it, so we could pay him instead, and that he really needs the money. Now, if we did that, we would be enabling him. My response was, Greg will do it for free, and he (my son) needs to get a job.

I could just let my son do it. I could pay him the money. But what incentive then would he have to get a job? He could just keep putting it off, take my money, and be lazy for another few weeks.

I know I probably sound like a terrible mom, but he's got to get it together.

It's like having a drug addict for a son (not that my son is, I'm definitely not saying that). So he comes to me and asks for money and says it's for food. If I just give him the money, I'm enabling him, because he'll just take the money and buy drugs with it. That's enabling.

On the other hand, I could just take the money and buy him food with it. That's being smart. That's NOT enabling him.

So I don't really want to give my son the money to watch the dog (house sit), because that would be enabling him. He really needs to just get a job.

But this is really hard for me, because I love him, and I hate to see him in this position.

So enabling is harder to do than to talk about. I never said it was easy. Take it from someone who is having to go through it.

Anyway, I wish you peace and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Being Sick When You Have Bipolar Disorder

2008-08-21T06:27:00.000-07:00

Hey y'all --

Sorry I haven't written in a few days, but I've been sick.

It brought to mind something I wanted to talk to you about. It's hard to be sick when you've got bipolar disorder. I'll tell you why --

We are already on medication, some of us (like me) on a lot of medication, to keep us stable.

When we get sick, like I've been the past few days, we need to take other medication to make us feel better. Now, I just had some kind of bug or something, but I had to take some other meds besides my BP meds. I had to be real careful that they didn't interfere with my regular meds.

For example, I had to take a medication for my stomache. Luckily for me, I have a PRN (as needed) medication that my regular doctor prescribed for me, that I have on hand. So I was able to take that for my upset stomach. And another for my headache.

But I was worried when I wanted to take Nyquil for my stuffed up head, because it was over-the-counter and I wasn't sure how it would react with my other medication.

In cases like that, you need to call your doctor, psych, or at least check with your pharmacist.

The last thing you want is a bad reaction from combining medications that could cause you to have problems (instability) with your bipolar disorder.

Just wanted you to know.

Wishing you peace and stability,

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Taking Things the Wrong Way

2008-08-13T05:56:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Do you ever take something someone says to you the wrong way?

I did, yesterday. I got all upset, supposedly over nothing. But it really bothered me, because I thought I was being criticized, and I took it personally.

I have a problem with that.

My therapist is working with me on that. I know I can be self-centered at times (sorry, I'm working on it), still thinking that everything revolves around me, and I do take things the wrong way, thinking that the simplest of comments, like say something about my work, is directed at me personally. Then I get upset about it.

So I got depressed yesterday, and wasn't good for anything.

Stupid, huh?

The thing is, and this is what I wanted to tell you. You have to separate the comment from your own self and your own personal feelings. To say nothing about the other person, who may or may not necessarily be sensitive to you and your feelings.

Sometimes people say things that aren't meant to hurt our feelings but because we have bipolar disorder, we take them the wrong way, and/or we take them personally, when they were never meant that way. And we shouldn't do this.

Like how I felt depressed yesterday over a stupid comment that wasn't meant personally at all. So I wasted a perfectly good depression over nothing! :)

So the next time someone says something to you, take into consideration the source. Then take into consideration exactly what they are saying. They may not mean what you think they are meaning, and they are most likely not saying it to hurt your feelings at all!

Wishing you peace and stability,
Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Don't Panic

2008-08-11T04:34:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Great to see that our little "family" is growing around here! Hope to see some more people posting soon, so that we can all help to encourage each other, because that's what we're here for.

Today I want to talk about not panicking because, of course, this weekend, I did panic. Over money, of all things.

I don't get paid till Thurs., so we're, well, how should I say it? BROKE until then. I mean, counting change broke till then, so of course I start panicking, talking about pawning rings, how am I going to get my medication, we don't even have a loaf of bread...

...until I've practically got myself into an anxiety attack.

And here I am always talking about being so spiritual, right? I should practice what I preach. God always has an answer. We just may not always see it.

Ya know, I really should practice what I preach. I've learned my lesson, believe me.

And all this time that I'm in this state, I'm wondering why hubby is so calm! Why isn't he panicking with me?

Well, he made one phone call to his mom, and borrowed enough money to last us till payday. Nuff said.

She came over yesterday with a bag of groceries and $100 bill.

I was flabbergasted! I didn't know what to say. All my anxiety for nothing. All my panic for nothing! God took care of everything with one phone call.

When I thanked my mother-in-law for the help (in tears of course), she just smiled and said, "That's what Moms are for!"

Boy, did I learn a lesson.

So, next time you're in a tight spot, don't panic! God really does work everything out.

Wishing you peace and stability...
And Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Made it Through!

2008-08-06T08:24:00.001-07:00

Hey, y'all --

First of all, I'd like to welcome Princess to our family! I hope y'all will welcome her too (she is on the last post, if you want to "see" her).

Well, I made it through my "day surgery" yesterday -- they stuck a needle into my spine through the back of my neck (I know, and yes, it was as bad as it sounds). They think I have a pinched nerve and that's why I've been having all this pain in my right arm. Anyway, it's OVER (I had to be AWAKE for the whole thing!!!!!), and they say it'll take about a week to show results.

But God is good, and I know (I pray) this will turn out well. It has to -- I type for a living! :)

Anyway, I hope y'all are doing well.

Melissa, when is your mom coming again? I hope you're pumping yourself up and doing all the things we talked about. Mostly, watch your stress level and your triggers. Definitely practice your relaxation exercises, ok? You'll be ok, I'm praying hard for you to make it through this.

Well, I'll keep this short but sweet. Have to visit my psych today (get new meds).

I wish you peace and stability,

Remember, God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Made it Through!

2008-08-06T08:24:00.000-07:00

Watch Your BP Triggers

2008-08-02T05:40:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Someone reminded me today that we can never get lazy and forget to watch our bipolar triggers!

It's summer, for one thing, and those "lazy, hazy days of summer", for some of us, make us lazy about a bunch of things.

But 2 things we CAN'T get lazy about:
1. Taking our meds.
2. Watching our triggers.

We have to always be vigilant, no matter how long it's been since our last episode.

For another thing, (and this is especially for you, M.)--

If you know you have an especially stressful situation coming up, one that might be a trigger to a BP episode...

1. Make sure your meds are at their right dosages (maybe slightly increased for the situation -- check with your doc).

2. Make sure you check with your inner self -- both emotionally and spiritually -- and that you are ok with your self. If not, get that way! You have to be strong.

3. Check your stress levels. Practice your stress reduction exercises. Now, I am NOT a doctor, therapist, psychiatrist, or mental health professional, etc. But, if necessary, you might want to have your doc prescribe you some PRN (when/if necessary) anti-anxiety medication if you need it during the upcoming situation you are about to face.

4. Practice relaxation exercises. They will, hopefully, keep your stress level down as well. If necessary, during the upcoming family visit (or whatever situation you are facing), excuse yourself from time to time and go off by yourself to work your relaxation exercises. If you can't get physically away, you can always stay right there and do some deep breathing, at least, and that will help some (maybe even fend off that anxiety attack!:))

5. Journal write before, during, and after the visit (or other stressful situation). Prepare yourself mentally as best you can.

6. Watch yourself and ALL your triggers! Stay aware and be prepared! Watch your meds, diet, exercise, and sleep.

7. ALWAYS take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

As always, I wish you peace and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Good Bipolar Days and Bad Bipolar Days

2008-07-30T06:13:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

First of all, notice I have a new picture on my blog -- it includes hubby, so you can see what he looks like now! :)

So, let's talk about good BP days and bad BP days. I feel like I've been a yo-yo lately.

I wrote you that my son was going into the Marines. I was so proud of him -- I thought he was finally going to get some direction to his life. Well, now he's decided he's not going to. He got out of it with a general discharge, because he never signed his final papers.

So now he's going to move to Buffalo, NY with his older brother. But he's got to stay with us for the next 3 weeks. More turmoil. More drama. I was hoping, finally, for less stress and more peace.

I'm still trying to support him unconditionally, cuz I'm the mom, and that's my job. But it's hard with an 18-yr-old, ya know?

Oh well, it's only 3 weeks, right? Yeah, right. That's why I've been feeling like a yo-yo. Bad days and good days. Some nights I'm still so stressed from the day it's hard to sleep at night.

But it always circles back around and things get better again.

So, like I always tell you, I have to follow my own advice and hang in there and never give up.

I hope y'all are doing ok? Let me know.

Special note to Melissa -- I hope things are going better for you.

I wish you peace and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Hubby Had Bad BP Day

2008-07-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Yesterday my husband had a "bad bipolar day." It was rough for me as well, because sometimes I get so caught up in my own disorder that I forget that I'm also a supporter to him.

He was depressed, but angry, but not at anyone or anything. Agitated, irritable, etc. All BP symptoms.

I felt so helpless -- I just didn't know what to do, except be supportive and hope that it passed.

It did. Today he's much better. But boy, was it scary. It always is, when you're faced with a potential bipolar episode.

Ya know, I really hate bipolar disorder. I mean, really hate it. It so messes with your life. Things could be going along so good, then BOOM, there it is again.

Like yesterday, here comes this bad bipolar day out of nowhere. When just the day before we had gone to Cherokee, NC, (not far from us, since we live in the foothills of the Smoky Mts), and had a wonderful time, just being together, and enjoying the mountains and watching the tourists, etc.

Then the very next day, BP comes along and reminds us that it's still there. Know what I mean?

Well, at least I'm glad today's a little bit better. I'm still watching him, though. He's at the store now, so at least he got up and out of bed, and even out of the house, some type of productivity. We'll see...

Anyway, I wish you peace and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

I Am SO Excited - 2 New BP Devotionals SOON!!

2008-07-18T05:14:00.000-07:00

Hey, ya'll --

I am SO excited! I have just finished writing the third BP devotional, so they'll be ready to be sold on bipolarcentral.com REAL soon!!! (the 2nd and 3rd -- the 1st one is already available).

Writing the devotionals is my most favorite form of writing -- combining writing about bipolar disorder and about the Lord... I just go into my own private world, and am so happy! I just can't wait till they come out and you can read them, too!

Other than that, things are going well in my own personal life as well. We got a new (used) car which will only use half the gas our jeep did (YES!), so we won't be going broke any more, so I'm really grateful for that.

I got a new printer, and my (Marine) son, the computer genius, put it together for me yesterday. This isn't any ole printer, mind you. I think this thing comes with a mind of its own, truly! I never could have done what Tyler did. And even he took an hour to do it (well, of course, he never has to use instructions, either). This thing is so complicated, but it does everything -- not just print, but fax, copy, scan, etc. And prints 7,000 pages! Y'all, I am in printer heaven!

So, all in all, especially compared to my last post, I am doing so much better. It's funny how things can change from day to day, isn't it? Well, I guess not so funny/strange when you've got bipolar disorder. We deal with this all the time, don't we?

I'm just glad today is a better day. Thank God for that. I hope y'all are having good days, too.

Come on, it's too quiet out there! Where is everyone? How are you doing? I hope you're ok?

I wish you peace and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

What Do You Do?

2008-07-16T09:04:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

What do you do when you're depressed and there's no reason for it?

I guess I could blame it on my son's going off to the Marines -- he is my baby after all. Maybe I'm in denial of the Empty Nest Syndrome. I'm sure that's what people would say. He wasn't supposed to ship out until October, but now they're shipping him out Aug. 18th.

But with the way he's been acting lately, he couldn't leave soon enough for me. I mean, I know that sounds terrible for a mother to say, and maybe it's his BP acting up... but he just treats me with such a lack of respect, and upsets me and hurts me so much with his words and actions, that half the time I run off crying to my room. Great behavior for a stable BP'er, right? And here I am supposed to be giving y'all advice...

So today here I am depressed about it. Oh, not a bipolar depression or anything, just an ole everyday depression.

My husband is being great about it. He is so wonderful, and so supportive. He even got me a card and everything! Isn't that romantic? He is trying so hard to get me out of this funk.

I'm just trying to get out of it by working hard and not thinking about things. But I know my therapist would probably say that's the wrong thing to do, because I'm just avoiding it all, and the same problems will be there when I'm done working (hey--I should be my own shrink).

Have any of you ever felt this way?

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

My Son Enlisted in the Marines

2008-07-12T07:46:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Guess what? My son enlisted in the Marines! This is my baby -- my 18-yr-old. And no, I won't go thru the "Empty Nest Syndrome," I've still got my dog. But I am SO proud of my son!

He's been so lost, looking for direction. The thing that bugs me though is that his supposed friends have just turned on him, ya know? I mean, a true friend might not agree with your decision, but they would still support you. He's just finding that out, and I hurt for him.

He just enlisted yesterday, and signing the papers as I write. So of course I'm worried about him. Can't help it -- I'm the Mom, it's my job! I know I shouldn't worry -- all I can pray is that God's will be done.

This is the son who was diagnosed with BP when he was 12 yrs old, but hasn't had an episode for so many yrs I stopped counting. Did you know they don't ask you that when they recruit you? They only ask about depression, which he hasn't had. And he's been off medication since he was 14 (but that's ok, I'm on enough meds for both of us), which I guess is ok for him... he believes he was misdiagnosed. I don't know, maybe he's right. ADHD can be misdiagnosed as BP when you're that age, and since he hasn't had the depression, maybe he is right.

All I know is, I'm very very proud of him. I think he did the right thing. And I'm especially proud that it was his decision. I mean, he did it in spite of his friends being so against it and everything!

Anyway, as far as me, other than being worried about my son and how everything is going at the recruiting station, I'm doing ok. I'm off the Chantix, avoided the episode it was about to cause, and feeling great! My doctor upped my Lamictal, so I think that's why I'm feeling so good.

Well, I better go. Got a whole newsletter to write. Hope you enjoy it!

I wish you peace and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Each Day is a New Day

2008-07-08T07:03:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

There are good days, and there are bad days, but each day is a new day.

I hate to sound so cliche, but it's true. With bipolar disorder, if you have more than a few bad days in a row, you can be afraid you're going into an episode. But if you have a good attitude, like I'm talking about, and you take it one day at a time, thinking "Each day is a new day," you may not have to go into that episode.

Keeping a positive attitude isn't always easy, believe me. I've had a migraine for 3 days in a row. Definitely NOT happy about that one. But I refuse to have one today. I woke up this morning thinking, "Each day is a new day. I don't have to have a migraine today."

In other words, I'm not just spouting platitudes at you. If I am, I should say, I'm spouting them at myself as well.

Which isn't to say that they don't work. They do. Positive attitudes can be just as important as the medication that we take for our bipolar disorder.

And, as I said, each day is a new day. One day is all we really have anyway. Haven't you ever heard the expression, "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday?" :)

So smile, and make today a great day!

I wish you peace and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Overthinking Yourself

2008-07-03T06:37:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Have you ever found yourself "overthinking" yourself?

That's what I think I'm doing to myself today.

I think I'm depressed. No, I'm not depressed. I don't want to be depressed. Ok, if I'm not depressed, what am I? I'm tired. No, well, I got enough sleep, so I can't be tired. Well, if I'm not tired, what am I? Hmm... bored. Ok, I'm bored. Well, I should do something then. But there's nothing to do. I could do laundry, but the laundry's caught up. I'll watch TV. But there's never anything on TV I want to watch. Besides, that's being lazy.

See what I mean? Overthinking.

Next thing you know, you're feeling all anxious, because you've got all these racing thoughts running through your head fighting with each other for your attention! And then you've got to be careful, because racing thoughts can lead to a manic episode.

I think I'll just sit here and stare out my window at the birds in my yard...

And try not to think of anything at all. :)

I wish you health and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Date Night

2008-06-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, it's Friday, and Date Night! Even though my husband and I are married, we still have Date Night every Friday night --gives us an umph in our marriage, and gives us something special to do each week.

It's not always a big thing (we don't have a lot of money, after all) -- sometimes we go out to dinner, sometimes just to the mall to eat at the food court and watch the people (we love to people watch), sometimes drive to the mountains... as long as we get out of the house and do something. Well, not always out of the house. One of our favorite things to do is to "slumber party." We get some pillows and blankets, rent a movie and eat popcorn, right in our living room!

We started this a long time ago and are still doing it. We think it's one of the things that keeps us so close as a couple. Everyone else that we've told it to and has tried it has said the same thing.

Anyway, so it's Date Night, but that's not till later. In the meantime, I still have work to do, and a whole day to get through.

I've stopped taking the Chantix, and am feeling soooo much better! I was so scared I was going to go into a bipolar episode. You know, that's the second time I've taken Chantix, and the second time I've had the same symptoms. So now I'm feeling better and feeling like myself again. Hubby's real happy about it, too. He said it changed my whole personality, and definitely NOT for the better! All I know is, I went from being happy (like I am all the time now) to being depressed and irritable. So I know it was the Chantix. That's why I wrote that last post, to warn y'all.

Well, it's back to work for me!

I wish you happiness, stability, and a GREAT weekend (and for those who also do Date Night, a good Date Night, too!).

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Chantix and Bipolar Disorder

2008-06-24T05:19:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

I want to warn you - be very, very careful if you take Chantix. As a matter of fact, if there is any other way for you to quit smoking, DON'T TAKE CHANTIX IF YOU HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER!

This is coming from someone who has taken it twice. The first time was about a year ago, and it was directly before I ended up in the hospital for that manic episode. I didn't think the two were connected, because one of the side effects of Chantix is depression. But I have since read a blog where another woman said it also sent her into a really, really bad manic episode where she had to be hospitalized, too.

I did quit smoking, but I started again 6 months later. This was 6 months ago, and now I wanted to quit again (since I thought it was a fluke with the Chantix last time), so I asked my doctor for another prescription for Chantix.

About 5 days into the Chantix, I started getting depressed for no reason at all, no trigger. My personality started changing -- I was irritable, anxious, agitated, and often angry. Totally opposite my "normal" self.

Then starting the 6th day I thought I had a stomach bug. I started feeling really nauseous and wanting to vomit all the time. I couldn't eat for 2 days. I lived on ginger ale and crackers. I spent the days in bed or on the couch.

I didn't think it could be related to the Chantix, because the first time it gave me migraines, but I wasn't getting any this time. I finally took out the package insert anyway, and read it word for word. That was the big revelation, and why I'm writing this post to warn you.

The package insert says that the most frequent adverse reactions are: nausea, sleep disturbance, constipation, flatulence, and vomiting. (I had all those). The sleep disturbance they're talking about is that you have these crazy dreams.

The package insert also talks about adverse reactions directly related to psychiatric disorders, and I quote:

"Frequent: Anxiety, Depression, Emotional disorder, Irritability, Restlessness. Infrequent: Aggression, Agitation, Disorientation, Dissociation, Libido decreased, Mood swings, Thinking abnormal. Rare: Bradyphrenia, Euphoric mood, Hallucination, Psychotic disorder, Suicidal ideation.

How many of those symptoms are directly in proportion to symptoms of Bipolar Disorder??!!
And yet there is no warning NOT TO TAKE CHANTIX IF YOU HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER!!!

I called Pfizer, the drug company that makes Chantix, and spoke to their medical representative directly, and they were not exactly friendly. All they would say is that they did no clinical trials with subjects who had bipolar disorder. I told them that I did have bipolar disorder, that I had tried Chantix twice, and that I was telling them that both times it had exacerbated my bipolar symptoms -- and that I thought there should be a warning put on the pamphlet that says not to take it if you have bipolar disorder.

This man told me that there IS a warning! He says it ISN'T on the PATIENT package insert, however! It's only on the doctor and pharmacist insert. That if you have "it" (now, he didn't specify bipolar), you should be closely followed by a doctor if you take Chantix.

Well, I'm telling you, please learn from not only my experience, but the hundreds and hundreds of people who are posting on the Internet who have bipolar disorder of their bad experiences (some horrible, even suicidal) with Chantix-- and DON'T TAKE CHANTIX IF YOU HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER!

You know that I usually don't take such a hard stand on anything -- I just don't want to see you get hurt or go into a bipolar episode. One woman put it this way: "You are better off dying from smoking than taking Chantix." Now that's a strong statement.

If any of you have had any experiences with Chantix and your bipolar, please post back.

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Doctor Accepts Bipolar Disorder

2008-06-18T07:36:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

I took my husband to the neurologist this morning because he has something wrong with his head called occipital neuralgia (try saying THAT 10 times fast!). He gets these headaches, like migraines but they aren't migraines (still, they're real painful), 2-3 times a week.

Well, the thing is, you know how when you go to a doctor you have to list all your medications? So Bill had to list all his, and of course they were all bipolar medications. So then the doctor knew he had BP.

Sometimes when doctors find out you have bipolar disorder, they treat you like you have the plague, do you know what I mean? I've had doctors that treat me that way. I mean, not my regular family doctor, of course, or my mental health professionals. But other doctors I've had to see for physical problems.

It's just part of the overall picture of society's stigma against mental illness in general and bipolar disorder in particular (I preach about this all the time). What people don't know about, they fear. So sometimes, they fear us. It just isn't fair that it seems like we have to be the ones to educate other people about our disorder.

But this morning, the doctor treated my husband with the utmost respect and dignity. You have no idea (well, you probably do) how refreshing that was.

Well, I just wanted you to know that. That there are some good doctors out there, so don't give up!

I wish you happiness and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Blessings of Stability

2008-06-16T07:32:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Thank God our thunderstorms are over! For awhile there, we were getting them every day, with power outages and everything -- it was really frustrating, because I had to keep turning my computer off and on again.

But the sun is shining again, and I'm glad. I can see outside from my office window where my computer is, and since we live in the country, I can even hear the birds outside that window, which really makes me happy!

Ah, the blessings of stability! There was a time when I couldn't have seen the sunshine or listened to the birds outside my window, because I was isolated in bed, struck down with bipolar depression. It took a long time to get to where I am today. A lot of therapy, and a long time's worth of medication.

But it was all worth it. Today I appreciate what I have. Every day I go without an episode is a good day.

I wish you happiness and stability.

Remember God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Feeling Spiritual

2008-06-13T08:40:00.001-07:00

Hey, y'all--

I've been working on writing my next devotional, and feeling very spiritual lately. Ya know, dealing with bipolar disorder on a daily basis, sometimes it feels like I've got control of it, and sometimes it feels like it's got control of me. But feeling spiritual, feeling close to God, feeling like He's right there in the fight with me, well, I feel like I've got more control than ever before. Like I'm not alone any more. Do you know what I mean?

It sure isn't easy living with bipolar disorder. But then, nobody ever said it would be. I used to have suicidal tendencies because of the disorder -- I was messed up spiritually, and I used to go to bed every night and cry out to God all right, but I used to pray that He would just let me die, because I just couldn't imagine living like this one day longer.

But that time passed. And because of God, I eventually wanted to live again. Now I have stability, and a wonderful life.

So I wanted to encourage those of you who are still struggling. The Bible says that "God is no respecter of persons." That means that what He's done for me, He can do for you, too. So hang in there -- it does get better.

Remember God loves you, and so do I!
Michele

Don't Take Ownership of Other Peoples' Problems

2008-06-08T06:10:00.001-07:00

Hey y'all --

I had something happen to me recently that made me think of something I want to warn you about:

DON'T TAKE OWNERSHIP OF OTHER PEOPLES' PROBLEMS!

As people with bipolar disorder, we have enough problems just trying to manage our own disorder without taking ownership of other peoples' problems. Now, I'm not saying not to be compassionate when someone pours their heart out to you about their struggles, or cries on your shoulder, or just plain expects you to be their friend. Please, please don't get me wrong.

But there is a difference between listening to someone's problems and taking OWNERSHIP of them! Taking ownership of them means that they are dumping their problems onto you and you are receiving them, and then you're running into all kinds of problems, not only unneeded stress upon yourself, but issues like codependency and enabling. Then you're not only NOT helping them, but you're not doing yourself any good as well.

And you're certainly not doing your bipolar any good. You have enough stress to deal with. Let your friends and family share their problems with you. Even offer them advice if you have it. But DON'T play therapist, because you aren't one! And DON'T let them expect you to be! A therapist gets paid good money to let people dump their problems on them -- you don't! :)

And, for your own sake, DON'T TAKE OWNERSHIP OF OTHER PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS!

I had a woman do this to me recently, and I felt so sorry for her that when she cried, I cried. And I carried HER problems around with me all day! Later I found out that she felt so much better after dumping her problems on me that she went through the rest of her day as if she had a brick taken off her shoulder. Well sure -- she had placed that brick on MY shoulder!

But you know what? That wasn't HER fault, it was MINE! Because I did it willingly. That's when I realized I had made a big mistake. And that was when I wanted to warn you not to do what I had done.

I hope you don't repeat my experience. I hope you think long and hard about this post.

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Living in a Bipolar Bubble

2008-06-06T11:34:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

I was doing an interview with Dave the other day, and he asked a really good question:

He asked me if I thought if someone with bipolar disorder who lived in a glass bubble would still have BP symptoms and still need to take medication? (sounds kind of like the old "if a tree fell in the forest and there was no one around to hear it, would it still make a noise, doesn't it? :))

So I answered, "Yes." And here's why:

If you have bipolar disorder, and even if you lived in a glass bubble, away from the stresses of the world, with no problems, and even financially independent, happy, etc...

You would still have the chemical imbalance in your brain! And you know you would have this condition forever, because there is still no cure for the disorder, and those chemicals can still fire off at any time they choose, no matter how long you've been stable...

So even if you were to live in a glass bubble, with all the conditions I listed above... yes (in my humble opinion), you would still have to take medication, and you could still manifest the signs/symptoms of bipolar disorder!

Unfortunately, we still suffer from a lifelong illness. And, unfortunately, there is still no cure for it. So the only hope we have for long-term stability (recovery) is in the management and treatment of it. Which consists of medication and a good treatment plan (and a good support system).

Well, I hope you are enjoying long-term stability, glass bubble notwithstanding! :)

Remember God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Ready or Not...(Here I Come?)

2008-06-05T03:44:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

We were supposed to stay over Bill's mom's house tonight to have a yard sale tomorrow and Sat., but we decided not to do it -- for several reasons. The biggest one because we just aren't ready.

I spent 3 weeks tearing the house apart pulling things together for the yard sale, but there are still things I want to put into it -- but with just one day left (today), I still don't feel ready, and today both Bill and I have doctor's appointments, and I have some writing to do as well.

So in order to get everything done, I would have to push myself, and would be under alot of pressure.

The point is, that stress is one of the biggest triggers to a bipolar episode. And I want to remind you (as well as myself) of that, because it just isn't worth it. In this case it might sound trivial because, after all, here I'm just talking about a yard sale, but don't miss the point.

Whether it's just a yard sale, your entire family coming over for a big dinner, a huge presentation at work, or anything else you're just not ready for -- don't push yourself or take on added stress. It's just not worth it.

Take things slow, make sure you're ready for them when YOU'RE ready for them. Don't adhere to someone else's expectations of when something should be done. If it means asking for an extension on a project at work, then do it -- it's certainly NOT worth a bipolar episode.

Oh, and BTW? We're going to do the yard sale NEXT week! :)

Remember God loves you and so do I,
Michele

BP is a disorder - it is NOT your life!

2008-06-03T06:39:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

I heard an expression recently: "Bipolar is a disorder - it is NOT your life!" And it so struck a chord with me, because for so many people when they first get diagnosed, it does seem that BP becomes their life. I remember when I was first diagnosed and the doctor gave me a brochure called "Living with Bipolar Disorder" (or something like that) -- which, if you want to know the truth -- actually left me with more questions than answers. I felt overwhelmed.

All of a sudden I wasn't ME anymore! I was now "a person with BP." I was a disease. A mental illness. A disorder. And that brochure was not only me, it was about to be my LIFE! According to this brochure, I now had to: 1) Go on medication (for the rest of my life), 2) Get a doctor (for blood tests to regulate these meds), 3) Get a psychiatrist (to prescribe these meds), 4) Get a therapist (to help me learn how to live with BP), 5) Find a supporter (a spouse? I wasn't even married! My parents? I lived alone! Friends? I'd long driven them away!), 6) Join a BP support group (so I could meet and share with other people like me).

That was years ago, and the overwhelming part is long over with. I did what the brochure said to do, because by the time I was diagnosed, I didn't have much of a life left anyway! At least not a "normal" one. I knew there was something wrong with me, and I was glad I finally had a name for it. I was especially glad they even had medication for it -- it proved I wasn't crazy! :)

And you know what else? I proved that saying at the beginning of this post. My bipolar disorder is just that to me -- a disorder. It's NOT my life! My life now is balanced by management of my BP, stability and serenity, peace of mind, a great job, a wonderful marriage (to a husband who also has BP so he understands me), reconciliation with my family, and everything in life I've ever wanted.

It's because bipolar disorder is only a PART of my life. It isn't my life.

I wish you the same stability and success.

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Fantastic News!

2008-05-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

I've got fantastic news! First of all, I want to thank everyone for their prayers. Bill has no more pain in his head! He even had to cancel the nerve block scheduled for this afternoon! God is such a good God.

See, for people with bipolar disorder, something like pain can be a trigger for an episode. So we have had to watch him real close. Even those with BP can get just a regular depression, so you can't just jump to the conclusion that it's an episode, either, so there's a fine line there. And for the supporter it's hard, too, because you can get depressed as well, just watching your loved one be in pain. That's why it's been so wonderful to finally see him out of pain! To say nothing of having my wonderful husband back again! :)

And my 18-year-old in-denial BP son who just moved out came for a visit last night and it was a good visit. Of course, he just got a lip ring, but despite that, he looked good and was polite and respectful. I just have to accept the fact that even tho he's my baby, he's not a baby any more. He's become very independent.

The hard part is tho he's got BP symptoms, if he goes into an episode, he has to accept the consequences for himself. I got him diagnosed when he was 12, but now he says he was misdiagnosed, even tho he took the meds for 4 yrs. So at least he was helped for 4 yrs. But now I have to let go and it's his responsibility. The good news is no episode since then.

Well, I hope y'all are doing ok. Let me hear from you, ok? And thanks again for all your prayers. They worked! :)

Remember God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Back from Vacation

2008-05-13T12:08:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, we're back from vacation, so I better catch everyone up:

First of all, thank you all for your prayers and kind words for hubby. He did have the nerve block, but it didn't take, so he's scheduled for another one this week (pray!). Then we went to FL to see my parents (my mom has BP too, so we go down a couple times a year to check on her). It was ok, tho it was a "working vacation" for me the first couple days. Still, it's so good to be back home.

I'm sorry a couple of you are having a rough time. Things are supposed to get better for us "beepers" during the summer months, but I don't buy that, because I've had episodes during the summer, fall, and winter months - my BP is an equal opportunity disorder! :) Hopefully, y'all will be feeling better soon.

Melissa, it's so good to "meet" someone who is in the same situation as I am. It's so unique that both the partners have BP. I consider it a positive, because usually we're not both having a "bad bipolar day" on the same day, so we can help each other when it happens. I hope you two are able to do the same thing. Maybe we can talk some more about it?

Anyway, I'm home, and will try to post more often. I'll let you know how the second nerve block goes with Bill.

Hey-- I got great news! I got an email from blogger.com, and they rated my blog 8.2 out of 10! Thank you all sooo much for your support! :)

Remember, God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Bad Visit with Doctor

2008-04-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, we went to see the neurosurgeon yesterday, and I don't know why, but this doctor was so mean to us. Me and hubby were both in tears, we really were by that time, and he was so cold and mean to us. We asked for painkillers for Bill till he could get the nerve block (the doctor said he wouldn't do it!), and the doc refused to give him ANYTHING for the pain! He treated Bill like a drug seeker (he has drug abuse in his past, but has been clean for 14 years and is a drug abuse counselor now).

Bill was crying, and asked, "Please help me," and the doctor just looked at him. Then said, "You can leave now, and at check-out they'll tell you when the anesthesiologist can do your nerve block." Guess when they can do the EMERGENCY nerve block? MAY 14th!!! With no relief from pain till then. I just can't believe a doctor would be that cruel. But you know how Dave talks about good doctors and bad doctors? I believe him now. It's just that both Bill and I have such good doctors for our bipolar disorder, we never expected this. It's almost like the bad doctors force you to the street for the meds you need. I never thought we'd find ourselves in tis position. We are so upset about this...and Bill is in such agony, not sleeping, not eating. And of course, neither can I, because he screams out in pain.

So I'm not sleeping, and my sleep cycle is off, so I'm concerned about an episode, which doesn't help anything. And I'm trying to take care of him, but nothing helps.

So all of you that prayed last week? Please double your prayers, that they'll take him sooner to do the nerve block. That's the only way he'll get out of pain.

Bless you all and may God help you with your own struggles.

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Need Prayers

2008-04-15T19:43:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

First of all, I am so thrilled that so many people are reading my blog now and are responding that I've been able to help them, because that's why I'm here. Someone had asked me if I always write encouraging things, and I had said that I try to, but I do balance it with the truth which, unfortunately, having BP, isn't always pretty. I have to be honest, so for example, I did tell y'all when I went thru that 3-week long depression. But then, I do get to tell you when things are good again!

Anyway, I'm writing today because my husband Bill needs prayer. He has BP, too, which is hard enough. But he's in excruciating pain from a nerve in the base of his head that flares up and spreads to the rest of his head, and right now they can't do anything for him. He's been clean for 14 years from substance abuse, so he can't take narcotics and they won't give him anything more for pain than 800 mg Ibuprofen, which isn't touching the pain, of course. And I just cry, because he keeps screaming out in pain.

This has been going on for 3 weeks. I've taken him to the Emergency Room and to the doctor twice. He has an "emergency" appointment scheduled with the neurosurgeon for one week from today -- they say it's the first appointment they could give him. The good news is that once he sees the neurosurgeon, he can schedule Bill for surgery to cut the nerve and Bill will instantly be out of pain, or give him a nerve block that day and accomplish the same thing.

The bad news is we have to wait another week while he suffers in pain. So I'm asking for prayer for him. If we all pray, God's gotta listen, huh? :)

Anyway, hope y'all are doing ok, and that the BP dragon isn't being too hard on you. Either way, write and let me know how you're doing.

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

A Perfect Day in Bipolar-ville

2008-04-01T09:49:00.001-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, today is just a perfect day in Bipolar-ville. Any day that I'm not manic or depressed, actually, is a perfect day in Bipolar-ville!

It's like in AA, that any day I don't take a drink is a good day.

If I keep my expectations low enough, it's easy to exceed them! :)

These days, my life is so simple, it's peaceful, it's wonderful. I've gotten rid of all the busy-ness of it, and so it's pretty stress-free, which is how you have to make it if you want to keep the episodes away from knocking at your door.

At one point I thought I would always have episodes, with just a few days in between -- but basically my whole life would be filled with episode after episode after episode. That was really how my life was.

I had never heard of managing the disorder until I met Dave and found bipolarcentral.com. And he taught me that there are systems you can put in place, specific things you can actually learn that you can manage the disorder for yourself. Things that are NOT pills you have to take! Boy, was that a revelation for me!

So now I've learned them, have them in place, I've reduced the stress in my life, and for the most part, I live a very simple, very peaceful life. The point is, that you can too. If it worked for me, it can work for you. I'm nobody special. I've just learned to manage my bipolar disorder.

So, (thank you, Jesus), today is just another day in Paradise. Or, as I like to put it, another peaceful day in Bipolar-ville!

Hope y'all are doing ok. I'd love to hear from you, let me know how you're doing?

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Almost Fell Right Back Down the Rabbit Hole

2008-03-26T06:16:00.001-07:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, I almost fell right back down the rabbit hole again!

Yesterday I was working on a writing project for Dave. I had gone out of the house before saving it, and it was snowing here, and I think we had a power failure. Either that, or I had saved it in a temp file instead of a regular doc. file. Either way, when I got home, I realized I had completely lost an entire day's work.

I tried desperately to recover the document, only to go in circles, and get completely frustrated, to the point of tears. I'm not kidding -- I sat there staring at my computer screen and cried and cried. Over something I could do nothing about.

But I kept thinking to myself, "Don't let this steal your joy." Over and over again, I kept thinking, "Don't let this steal your joy." Because of the way I've been feeling about my house being so clean, and how I've been so happy, how it pulled me out of my depression and all. And how this one thing was triggering me back into the depression.

So I talked to my husband about it. And he reminded me that I"m not perfect. Do you believe that? ME? Not perfect?

It was a hard lesson to learn, since I DO expect perfection from myself. It stems from my OCD, which I have besides the bipolar disorder. I would never expect from anyone else what I expect from myself. And I know that nobody else expects from me what I expect from myself.

Nevertheless, that high expectation of perfection from myself is there. I try never to make a mistake, and when I do, I berate myself for it. It's almost impossible to live up to my own standards -- thus the personality disorder!

So I made a mistake. A big one. An avoidable one. But the fact is that I did make it. But what I did once (wrote the project), I can do again (re-write the project). It certainly isn't worth letting it steal my joy. My husband and I worked 3 whole days together to get the house looking the way it does now. And I had finally come out of my 3 week long depression.

So I had to ask myself, "Is this really worth going back into that depression?" And I'll tell you, that depression was so bad that I told myself that NOTHING was worth going back into that darkness. NOTHING!

So here we are, and it's a new day, and I am optimistic. I feel fresh, and I feel like now I can tackle that project again. As a matter of fact, I feel like now I can do an even better job than I did before. I have confidence now. I am not as stressed as I was.

Because I had to face up to the fact that I'm not perfect -- I had to face imperfection in myself and come out on the other side of it with acceptance of a personal shortcoming, and realize that it is OK to NOT BE PERFECT!

My husband puts it this way: There was only one perfect man, and He had holes in His hands.

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Sorry I've Been Gone So Long

2008-03-25T07:41:00.000-07:00

Hey, y'all --

I'm sorry I've been gone so long... but I promise I'll make up for it and try to post more often.

I've just come out of a 3 week long depression. It was really bad, but I learned a lesson, one I want to pass along to you. I've still been seeing my therapist every week, and she taught me this.

She says your outsides reflect your insides.

Here's the case in point. Having bipolar disorder, when I get depressed, I just don't clean my house (because I'm too depressed), and I let everything just go to pot -- I let everything get messy, I let everything pile up, and then I look at it and it's just too much -- it's too overwhelming to me. So I don't do anything about it. And it just gets to looking worse and worse. And I get to feeling worse and worse. And it's just this vicious cycle. The worse the house looks, the worse I feel inside. See my point? My outside matches my inside.

If my house looks cluttered, I feel cluttered inside. If my house looks messy, I feel messy inside. If my house looks overwhelming, I feel overwhelmed inside.

So here was her advise. Just take one little part. Just one little area, and work on that. Not all of it, because that would be overwhelming. Just one little part, concentrate on just that, and clean that. And eventually, just one little part at a time, it will all get done. And it worked!

Now my house is all clean, and it looks wonderful! And now I feel clean inside, and not only did the depression go away, but I'm happy! I had lost sight of what happy feels like. Not manic, just plain happy. You wouldn't believe how wonderful this feels. I had gotten to the point that I didn't know if I would ever feel this way again -- the depression had such a hold of me.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you, because I know you have bipolar disorder too, and I'm sure some of you are facing the same thing I did, like your outsides reflecting how you feel inside, and being so depressed that things just get so overwhelming to you that you feel like you're in this vicious cycle. If you have, I'd like to hear from you.

There's an ideal that says that men identify themselves with their jobs and that women identify themselves with their homes. Boy, it sure proved true in my case!

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Just Coasting...

2008-02-26T14:08:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all--

I think I'm convinced that it's the Lamictal that's been giving me this new energy and focus. Along with working out. I've just been feeling so good! And no, I'm not manic! :)

I'm just coasting... one day at a time, right? Well, this is a good day. Yesterday was a good day, too. That's the best I can do. We just can't let ourselves think about tomorrow until we're there. For people who have bipolar disorder, worrying about the next day before it's even here is like giving our brains free license to keep thinking rapid thoughts all night long and keeping us up! And that's no good for managing our disorder.

I know, because that's one of my biggest battles -- shutting down my thoughts. It's funny, too, because when I switched from the regular Seroquel to the Seroquel XR, I had racing thoughts again and trouble falling asleep. I was ok once I fell asleep, but had trouble falling asleep. Then, I had trouble getting up in the morning. So groggy! But now I'm back on regular Seroquel, and everything is fine again. Wouldn't you think there wouldn't be a problem? Or that the XR would be better because of the extended release part?

Have any of you had this problem? If you have, let me know.

Anyway, I'm going to go. I have a date with a cushy couch and a snuggly cover, watching a good DVD. It's practically snowing outside. My favorite kind of day!

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Getting Better All the Time

2008-02-25T08:05:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, as predicted, the next day after my last post did, in fact, get better. It just always happens that way (unless I'm in an episode or on a string of bad days).

Yesterday I had the most incredible day. If I didn't know better, I'd swear I was in a manic episode! I kept thinking to myself, "So THIS is what energy feels like!"

Honestly, it really has been so long since I've had anything even resembling energy that yesterday was such a different and surprising thing for me. But pleasant!

I ran from the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep, but with energy abounding. And it was all good! I was worried I was in a manic episode, but someone told me I wasn't talking fast or alot, so I was ok. That's like my main symptom, so I believe them.

Now, today, well, that's a different story. I guess somehow maybe I used up 2 day's worth of energy in one day, and today I'm paying for it!

Still... I'm still getting better all the time. Have to believe it. Gotta stay positive. I AM going to win this war with bipolar disorder.

You know, when I was first getting off drugs and alcohol, there was a point when I wanted to give up -- a point where I was so weak and overwhelmed that I didn't think I could do it... but I did it anyway. There was a concept that helped me called "ACT AS IF..."

Whenever I would feel like I just described, like I couldn't make it... I would think, "ACT AS IF... I've already made it." It got me through some pretty rough times.

Try this principle for yourself. When your bipolar disorder seems to get the better of you, tell yourself, "ACT AS IF I'm going to get the better of my bipolar disorder. I'm going to make it!"
or any other positive statement. IT WORKS!

Then write and tell me about it.

Remember, God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Weekend Hopes

2008-02-16T12:49:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, here it is the weekend, and I made it through another week. I sure hope things change for me soon. I sure would love to be excited about the day instead of having this hope for just "getting through it."

I've been talking to my therapist about it -- about why can't I be happy? Because even if I do get close to "happy," I (and other people) are too quick to call it mania. See what I mean? I can't be happy, because in the BP world, happiness translates to mania. And then they start watching you (no, I'm not being paranoid).

Boy, I sure would love to be normal. In love (which I am)...clean and sober (which I am)...enjoying life (which I'm not)...financially secure (which I'm not)...and happy (which I'm not). I wonder if one thing has to do with the other. Of course, I know the answer to my own question.

I do the right things to keep me sober, sane, and stable. Sometimes I even achieve serenity. And that's great. And sometimes I can even believe my own hype! :)

I am so good at encouraging others. Now I just need to encourage myself.

I've been keeping a bipolar mood chart (recommend this for everyone -- you can get one f.r.e.e. at www.moodchart.org) and have had to chart mild depression for the last 4 or 5 days. To me, that's like admitting a weakness. It's like saying that the disorder is defeating me, and that just sticks in my craw.

A long time ago I made a pact (with myself, my doctors, and my family) that I would NOT let this disorder get the best of me. And I will NOT. I swear, I will NOT. It may look like it is at the moment, but remember what I said yesterday, I may lose the battle, but I will NOT lose the war!!!!

Besides, tomorrow is always better. Today is just a temporary thing, and it too shall pass.

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

No Meds, No Happy

2008-02-13T12:27:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Remember the ole, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy?"

Well, that pretty much describes me today about my meds. First, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today at 2:15 pm. So I get a call this morning that he was cancelling. Now if *I* were to cancel the morning of an appt., I would be penalized, right? But it's ok for HIM to do it! The worst part is that this is my 3-month get all new prescriptions written appointment. So, no psychiatrist, no scripts!

OH...it gets worse...

Now, I call his office and leave a message that I'm out of meds.

I wait several hours, call the pharmacy... NO MEDS!

I call the doc's office back... have to leave another message. Check this out -- the receptionist starts crying on MY shoulder, telling me that the nurses are all busy, and they are one short, etc., etc. LIKE I CARE!!! So I very softly (cuz otherwise she would know my wrath!) explain to her that if I do not get my meds called in THIS AFTERNOON... I will have NO MEDICATIONS FOR TONIGHT!!! (meaning, of course, no sleep for me!) So she says she will leave a message for the nurses.

We all know what THAT means, right? It goes in the same bin with this morning's messages, which obviously still aren't answered.

Now you've got to understand my impending crisis (I know you do)-- it is now after 3:30 pm. They will close at 4:30. They are short-staffed. The doctor is NOT THERE!!! I need my bipolar meds. One of them is a sleep med -- without it I DO NOT SLEEP!

So what do all good bipolars do when they are facing an impending crisis? I DON'T KNOW!!!

I am so inside my own stress tornado that I forgot the answer to my own question!!! Wait -- yes I do... PANIC!!!!!!!

Believe me, I have counseled/coached so many people with bipolar disorder over this very thing... have helped so many over this stress-hump so many times... yet when it comes to me... I just lose it! How awful is that? It's like a "physician heal thyself" type of situation.

I wish I had a super-hero, so I could ask myself, "What would [insert super-hero here] do?"

Well, actually, I do have a What would Jesus do? mentality, but I'm not so sure even Jesus would hold his temper in this situation, considering what He did in the temple to the "den of thieves"! :) (ok, so you got a little smile out of me, which is good considering the situation).

Ok, so it's 3:45. Wow. A whole 8 minutes have passed. What am I going to do with the remaining 45 minutes? Do you really think the nurse will come through for me? Or will I get back on here at 2 in the morning complaining that I can't sleep?

Hmmm.... (as my mom used to say) we shall see what we shall see...

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

So frustrated!

2008-02-12T13:39:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Today is just one of those "ahhh!!!!" days -- I am so overwhelmed, and so frustrated!

The problem is, there just aren't enough hours in the day. Yeah, I know you've heard that one before. But the reason it's so frustrating for someone with bipolar disorder is that when we finally do go to sleep, our minds are unwilling participants! They just won't shut down, and then we become further frustrated, and it goes in a cycle, on and on, and then we can't sleep, either. Frustrated, not enough hours in the day, go to bed still frustrated, mind won't shut off, further frustrated, can't sleep, even further frustrated, really can't sleep, more frustration...

And that's when you have to be really, really careful, because an episode is right around the corner. And that's what I hate, because it's not like I'm asking for this or anything! It's not like I WANT to be this way, ya know? It's not like I CHOSE to be this way.

I wish I could just shut down. The best I've been able to come up with is to have a pad of paper at my bedside and as I come up with thoughts or ideas I write them on the pad and then I can let go of them, knowing they'll be there in the morning. But then, of course, there are new ideas and thoughts to take their place!

Where will this stop? When will this end? Luckily, I do go through long periods of stability, where this doesn't happen, but when it does, I get so frustrated it's like one of those "kick the dog" situations. I just want to strike out at the first person who says the wrong thing to me at the wrong time. Then I wonder if that isn't the "irritability" of a manic episode. See how you can drive yourself crazy with this bipolar stuff sometimes?

Some days I just want to shut it ALL off. I just want to be normal. But then, who knows what normal is, anyway? I don't think I"ve ever been normal. Most of the time, when I observe other people, I don't want to be normal, if it means being like them!

Oh well, I'll just mark today a slightly depressed, slightly anxious day in my mood chart, and let it go. Hopefully let it go. And hope I can sleep. "To sleep...perchance to dream..."

And pray that tomorrow is better than today, as we always do when we have a bad bipolar day.

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

The 10/2 Equation

2008-02-08T08:03:00.000-08:00

Hey, yall--

I had made a comment to Dave one time about something I called the 10/2 Equation that I used with my kids when they were little, when I was teaching them about what kind of kids to hang around with (and which kids NOT to). He put it on his blog, and you wouldn't believe how many responses he got to it!

So here it is: THE 10/2 EQUATION: (Regarding negative people) If you are a 10 and they are a 2, and you hang around with them, you will not bring them up to an 8, they will bring you down to a 4.

It's just that simple. But what our conversation, and his subsequent blog, was about, was how it can be applied to bipolar disorder, and that's pretty clear -- just as violence begets violence, so does negative attract negative. And since I'm always preaching at y'all about being positive, you can see why I would want you to apply the 10/2 Equation to yourself.

It has to do with surrounding yourself with positive people. Again, simple. If you surround yourself with negative people, you yourself will become a negative person. Now, don't you be offended, some of you, but I'm not into all that New Age stuff, so I'm not into auras and the like, but I do know when I can sense whether a person is a negative person or a positive one. Sometimes it's as simple as whether they have a smile on their face or not!

The point is, sometimes we give our supporters a harder time than we need to, because we can tend to get very negative. I know we don't mean to. It's just that sometimes, it's hard to be us. Well, I guess maybe I should just talk about me, and not assume you're like me. So, sorry about that.

Ok, *I* tend to get negative sometimes. Replace negative with depressed, and you've got me to a tee. And I really don't want to be that way. So it's one of the things I'm in the process of changing about myself. Because I love my supporter (my husband) very much, and I want to make him happy. And also because I do NOT want to be a burden on him!

So I try to be positive every time I can. This usually means that every time I have a negative thought cross my mind, I consciously replace it with a positive one. And that just takes practice.

And here's a warning for you: Thinking like, "Well, things could be worse," *sounds* at first like positive thinking, but don't be fooled. It is still not positive thinking, because it keeps you like a gerbil in a wheel -- it doesn't get you anywhere. There is no room for action there. It doesn't change anything. It does nothing to further you in your goal to be more positive. See what I mean?

So instead, you need to turn it around. And the easiest (and first) way to do that is to examine who you are letting closest to you. This may hurt a little at first. If, say, your mother always seems to bring you down every time you talk to her, then that is the 10/2 Equation in practice. So since you can't (and wouldn't want to) cut her completely out of your life, you have to limit how/when you talk to her. Wait until you are feeling the most positive, so there will be the least negative response.

As for obviously negative people in your life that you CAN "delete" from your life, DO IT! And do it as soon as possible. You will almost immediately notice a change in your life. Again, if I did subscribe to a New Age way of thinking, I would say that your aura would immediately change, as soon as you got that negative force out of your life.

The point is, without a negative influence constantly surrounding you, you can be the positive, successful person you were meant to be, bipolar or not!

Ok, now for the downside -- since I can hear some of you already saying, "Yeah, but..."

"Yeah, but... I live with someone who has bipolar disorder, and even tho I try to be positive, they are negative all the time!" I get that answer a lot.

Remember the expression "Slow and steady wins the race?" The more consistent you are, the more you change yourself, the more likely they are to change. Just don't feed into their negativity. I'm not saying for you to ignore their complaining... just to not reinforce it.

When they start complaining (usually about the same thing), just get up and walk away (and expect an immediate response!!!). Then just tell them that altho you love them very much, their negativity is making you sick (emotionally), and you just can't do that any more. Tell them that you need them to at least TRY to be more positive (translated: to be less critical and complain less).

So that's my challenge. Try it, and let me know what happens.

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Writer's Block and "Bipolar Days"

2008-01-31T14:00:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, today I have writer's block. I know, I know... this probably comes as surprise to many of you, but things like writer's block can happen to l'il ole me, too! LOL (just teasing).

Gosh, it's so frustrating, tho! I mean, this is like my JOB here!! How would you like it if you went to work one day and just like couldn't do your job either! Like you just sat there at your desk staring at the wall and just plain couldn't do your job.

Well, that's what it's like for me, since writing IS my job!

So I just sit here and stare at my computer, like the old game we played as children, who's gonna blink first! (the computer always wins, of course)

So I keep staring at my computer like I'm gonna be struck by lightning with some amazing grandiose idea for an article!!!

So I sit...

And I sit...

And I sit...

Until I finally give up...

Realizing that it's ok if the computer wins... and tomorrow is another day after all... another chance for me to win Writer of the Year.

The important thing to learn here is that whether you're a writer or a car salesman or a business owner -- it's ok to have one of those "bipolar days" where you have "writer's block" or "salesman's block" or "businessman's block" or "whatever's block"! It's OK! It doesn't mean you're going to lose your job, it doesn't mean you're a bad employee, it doesn't mean you're a bad person.

It just means that you have bipolar disorder, and sometimes your brain will not function to 100% capacity, and you just have to be patient with it. What would you do if you had a child whose mind kinda wandered sometimes? Would you "fire" him or just accept that behavior and work within it?

Especially if normally you produce work ABOVE other co-worker's, which is usually the case in a person with bipolar disorder. Our "normal" is usually their "above normal." Not to brag, honestly, but it just seems that way in the work environment.

We're just used to working harder and producing more, I guess so that we won't be asked if we have bipolar disorder, so we don't have to tell them if we don't want to. Ah, but lest we digress... so the point is, we have excellent work records. So that if we have one bad day, our bosses aren't going to get on our cases about it.

I promise you, if Dave finds out I had writer's block today, he is NOT going to jump down my throat about it. He, like me, is just going to hope that tomorrow I'll be better and be able to write the pants off my computer!

Well, I better go -- my computer is giving me dirty looks! LOL

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

20/20 Hindsight on Bipolar Disorder

2008-01-29T11:26:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

I was just thinking today about how I seemed to have such good hindsight (20/20) on bad choices and bad decisions when it came to my alcoholism and addiction, could I have that with my bipolar disorder as well? And the real question -- can I have it beforehand so I don't have to go thru the episode???

Why can't I see the episode coming beforehand? Why do I miss the signs? I was thinking about my last episode, and why I completely missed it until it was right on top of me and it was too late for me to do anything about it. Then I had to deal with it in hindsight and learned how NOT to do that again. Oh well, at least I DID learn how NOT to do that again!

There are some lessons that we just have to learn the hard way. Oh God, I sound like my mother! LOL

I guess I'm getting old, if I'm sounding like my mother. But it's true -- the hardest lessons are the ones we remember the best. Because those are the most painful ones, and we certainly do NOT want to repeat them! Especially because we remember the pain.

Dave has coined a phrase called the Post-Episode Analysis, where we sit down with our loved one AFTER the episode and go over what caused the episode, so that we don't do that again. Or we identify a trigger we didn't know about before. Things like that. Like with me, for example, my last episode we uncovered a physical cause for my episode, which totally took me by surprise.

Some of you may remember, it was last May, I think -- and the episode was caused by drinking too much water! Which caused my body to be depleted of potassium, which caused me to go into a manic episode because it caused distorted thinking.

So what I learned from it (the hard way, of course) was #1 - I hadn't checked with my doctor first about going on the diet I went on, and #2 - not all episodes are caused by mental or emotional triggers. And that was a VERY important lesson.

Isn't 20/20 hindsight wonderful? :)

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

My 4 S's: Serenity, Sobriety, Sanity, and Stability

2008-01-21T07:45:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

I saw this posted elsewhere and wanted to pass it on to you, because I never thought of it before, and think it's a great idea:

"One of the best ways to keep your doctor informed is by fax. Did you know this? If you type out what you're experiencing and then fax it over to your doctor's office, that paper will go right into your doctor's hand and you don't have to worry about trying to explain it all to a receptionist. I really recommend this, I do it all the time, for every type of doctor we have. If you don't have a fax at home, go to your local Staples or Office Max or Kinkos or any photocopy type place and they will fax it for you for just a couple of bucks. "

Sometimes it takes the simplest of solutions to solve the most complicated of problems!

My problems always fall into 4 categories: Serenity, Sobriety, Sanity, and Stability -- my 4 S's.

When I'm feeling agitated, iritable, short-tempered, or just plain pissed off, my serenity is off-kilter. I look at the Serenity Prayer, and see where I'm falling short. Usually it has to do with people, places, or things, and that they're not being the way *I* want them to be. So I have to work on accepting them just as they are (the hardest thing for me to do), instead of the way I would like them to be. I have to remind myself that there is a God, and I'm not Him!

When I'm feeling really nervous and wanting to drink or drug, my sobriety is in jeopardy. But, fortunately, I have a good support system for that -- AA, my husband (who is also in the program), my sponsor in AA, and many friends I can call who are also in the program. I have a healthy fear of ever drinking or drugging again -- the next time I may not make it back alive, and that's the truth. So I am very protective of my sobriety.

Then there's my sanity, which comes from two places -- first of all, from God, who restored me to sanity in the 2nd/3rd steps of the AA program; and secondly, the medication I take for my BP. Yes, I was definitely insane before both. Do you know the definition of insanity? It's doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. That definitely described me!

And then, of course, is my stability. My bipolar stability. Which comes not just from medication, but from my whole treatment program. Medication by itself will not keep me stable in the long run. I need therapy, a strong support system, good diet, exercise, good sleep pattern, etc., and all of it working in tandem to keep me relatively stress-free so it doesn't set off my triggers to a bipolar episode; i.e., so I can stay stable.

So, my 4 S's -- Serenity, Sobriety, Sanity, and Stability -- how I maintain a happy, healthy, productive, and successful life, in spite of having bipolar disorder.

Hopefully, you can do the same!

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Getting Better All the Time

2008-01-17T13:00:00.000-08:00

Hey, yall --

Today I've got that old Beatle's song on my brain, just going over and over, "It's getting better all the time..." Dare I even hope? But I've been off the antidepressants now for 3 days, and it feels like the depression is lifting, at least a little bit. Of course, it may just be positive thinking, but hey--whatever works, right? I get so down that I'm like a drowning person willing to grab onto any life preserver!

I've been working with my therapist on this "Why can't I be happy" thing. I have everything in the world to be happy about, yet I'm still unhappy. So what's up with that? is what I ask her. I got this book called "Why am I still Depressed?" by Jim Phelps, M.D. Boy, does that describe me.

I mean, I can function fully, high-functioning, actually. I am very happily married, have 3 great sons, love my job... everything's great. Well, except for the fact that I feel fat and ugly half the time. Ok, I lied. Most of the time. But doesn't half the women's population of the world? I'm 30 lbs overweight, but most of the time, I don't feel like exercising. Does anyone, tho? I mean, I have these great intentions, but what I usually say about it is, as far as joining a gym: "Here's my money, you'll never see me again!" I try, but I never succeed. I start off great, but then my interest fades away, or it's too far to drive, or I do it at home but then eventually stop doing it there, too. Oh gosh, listen to me -- can I get any more dramatically depressing??? Ok, time for new subject.

I'm trying to be more positive. If I had any New Years resolution at all (which I try not to do, because I never keep them), it would be that I would try to be more positive. But it is SO hard for someone with bipolar disorder to be more positive, when we have so little control over our emotions/mood swings. I was just writing about this lately -- our medications give us more control than we have without them, that's a fact. But they only go so far. We get more control over our emotions/mood swings through therapy, that's another fact. Then why do we still get depressed even when we're doing everything right??????

This is the only answer I've found. Bipolar disorder is not just a mood disorder in the mentally ill sense, but also in the physical sense. It is a chemical disorder of the brain, involving nerve synapses. And sometimes these nerve synapses just fire off on their own, with no trigger at all. So sometimes we are subject to that, without any provocation on our part. And we have no control over that. Most importantly, it is NOT our fault! Unfortunately, tho, we are the ones who still suffer for it.

At times like that, when I boil it down to - it's just a bad bipolar day, meaning it's just the chemicals firing off, not my fault - I just have to accept it, and try to get thru the day the very best I can. And sometimes "the very best I can" means that I just don't make it worse. Sometimes the best I can means I just make it through the day. And, usually, the next day is a little better.

Sometimes that's all we can do -- just wait out the bad days, and hope for better days. And that's ok. ("It's getting better all the time...") :)

Rememer God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Got scammed!

2008-01-13T08:10:00.000-08:00

Hey, yall--

I can't believe it, but I got scammed! Even worse, because of me, someone else got scammed, and I am so sorry for that.

Someone posted a comment under one of my topics on this blog -- her name was Barbara, and she was claiming to be a writer, and told me how she had been glad to meet me. Well, coincidentally, the weekend before, I had been to a gathering of women where I had met another woman writer, but hadn't remembered her name, so I thought well, it could have been Barbara.

Well this woman, in her post, posted a site where she said she goes to get writing assignments and gets paid for them. The woman I had spoken with at the gathering wrote for money as well, so again, I thought this could be the same woman. This is the only way I would have fallen for something like this, because of the coincidence -- otherwise it would have obviously been caught as a scam by me. But I was fooled.

I posted my friendly, "glad to have met you too, will check out the site when I have time" post BEFORE I had time to check out the site, and because of that, and someone else trusting me, someone else fell for the scam. And I am so sorry for that.

When I finally went to the site, I saw it for what it was, and it was obviously a scam, because not 5 seconds into it and they were wanting money. And I knew I had been scammed.

I feel so terrible that someone else got scammed because of me, but I want you to know I have removed that post (as well as my response) off my blog so that no one else gets hurt. Again, I'm sorry.

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Antidepressants and BP Drugs

2008-01-11T09:41:00.001-08:00

Hey, y'all--

I have to admit to something -- although I always try to be positive, I've been kinda on the down side of things ever since Christmas. I tried to explain it away as the Christmas blues, and y'all know why (cancelling Christmas, etc.), but now I'm thinking it's something else. I'm hoping maybe some of you have gone thru the same thing.

A month ago I was really depressed, and had been for a few weeks, so I figured I better take care of that real quick before it went into an episode, so I saw my psychiatrist, and he prescribed me Wellbutrin, which is an Antidepressant. Well, I have traditionally been against taking Antidepressants if you're on a Mood Stabilizer (which I am), because research is showing that it doesn't help -- that it "cancels out" the Mood Stabilizer, and can, in some cases, actually be harmful to you if you take them both.

So anyway, even tho I was against it, I decided to try it in case it might help. I just wanted to stop being depressed. And I knew I couldn't go on another Mood Stabilizer (insurance won't pay), so there wasn't really another option, and I didn't want to go up on my present meds because they're already so high, and I have a problem waking up in the morning.

Gosh, I feel like a pill machine! Well, I tried the Antidepressant for a whole month, figuring I can tell my psychiatrist I really gave it a good try. But I am here to tell you, it definitely DID NOT WORK! And I think, in fact, that I'm worse than I was before I took it. I am now a firm believer that you can't take Antidepressants if you're on a Mood Stabilizer if you have bipolar disorder.

So now I don't know what to do. I'm still fully functional, not quite made it to the run to bed, pull the covers over my head and hide from the world depressed yet. But definitely a little out of the norm depressed.

I don't know what other options I have. Any suggestions?

Remember that God loves you and so do I,
Michele

Happy New Year!

2008-01-02T13:10:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all!

Well, I hope y'all had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I sure learned my lesson. As I said I was gonna do, I cancelled Christmas this year, but boy was I sorry I did. I got SO depressed! Next year I'm putting it all back. I don't care whether the kids want the tree or not -- I'm getting one. And I don't care if they want decorations or not, I'm still putting them up! I want Christmas, even if it's just for me.

I turned 50 on New Years Eve... you really don't want me to go on about that, it isn't exactly positive. My best friend from high school called me to wish me a happy birthday yesterday, and we were talking about it, cuz she turned 50 in October, and I was saying how depressed I was over turning 50, and she was just so positive about it, and getting on my case about being so negative about it!

I don't know why -- I handled 40 real good... but I'm having a real hard time with 50. I think alot of it is that I had gained all that weight (30 lbs in 3 months) when I had that problem with my thyroid gland, so I'm not feeling good in my own skin, if you know what I mean. Then I had to stop exercising because I got "trochanteric bronchitis" (because I'm getting old, the doctor says), but now I got the shots into both hips, so I'll be able to start exercising again soon.

But my girlfriend got on my case because I used to be a real positive person, and she still is, so she was telling me I should be positive about it. I hate that I haven't been positive lately. I mean, everyone I counsel and talk to about their bipolar disorder, well, I'm always positive with them, and now I've got this little person on my shoulder saying, "Why don't you practice what you preach?"

Hopefully, I'll get out of this mood soon. I think it was just the holidays. Things should go back to normal soon. I should have some real exciting news for y'all real soon, if all goes well!

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Just Another Day in Paradise

2007-12-19T12:45:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

Well, even tho it isn't quite Paradise, at least I don't feel like the world is winning against me today, so that's one point for me. My plans are going ahead for a "cancelled Christmas" this year, and believe it or not, I've found alot of people who are doing the same thing! I was really surprised at the number of people this year who aren't putting up trees or decorating their houses or anything.

I went to an AA meeting, and that was pretty much the topic, and one person said, "It's all about God's Son's birthday." And that was that! You could've heard a pin drop in that room! But it sure brought the message home to me. I've been getting so stressed out trying to work out all these projects with Dave, trying to raise the money just to give my kids money this year for Christmas, and stressing myself out that way, which became just as stressful as giving them presents!

Well, I was reminded today that I can only do as much as I can do, and that's all. I can't afford to get stressed out, or I'm going to get a bipolar episode for Christmas this year! :)

I just have to remember what that man said at the AA meeting. Christmas isn't about how much money I give my kids, or about decorations, or any of that. It's God's Son's birthday. And that's it.

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

A Sad Day

2007-12-13T11:20:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all--

Well, tomorrow would've been my sister's birthday, so I'm a little sad today. I plan on buying one (just one) cupcake with a candle on it and put it in front of her picture and sing her happy birthday, like I did last year. I miss her so much, and it especially hurts this year because everything else feels so vacant. It feels like such an empty Christmas, like I've been blogging about.

I'm not sure which is worse -- sad or depressed. Or what the difference is, really. Does anyone know the answer to that? All I know is that both hurt my heart.

Part of it I know is because I'm all about family, if nothing else. And this year I won't have family for the holidays. Nobody wants to get together, my kids want to cancel Christmas, told me not to decorate, they're not buying presents, they're all broke, etc. They just don't seem to get the idea that it's not about presents at all -- I just want to SEE them for Christmas! That's the only gift I want. Today my youngest told me I won't be seeing my middle son and his girlfriend, like I was assuming. (See? That's my problem -- I assumed it). And my oldest never comes out on Christmas.

A good friend said she and her hubby are just going to relax and watch movies in front of the TV on Christmas. That sounds so peaceful to me, I think we're going to do the same thing. Not sad, just peaceful. Sad comes from my bipolar. Peace comes from my God.

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

A Little Christmas

2007-12-12T09:03:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all --

I got a very encouraging response to my last post from a friend, and she said, "A little Christmas goes a long way if it's the right kind." I got so much out of that, ya know?''

I went to see my therapist yesterday and talked about the same thing. Like I was feeling so depressed about this whole Christmas deal, and how I feel so ABnormal, so different from everyone else, who are all going in and out of the malls with bulging bags of gifts, and people decorating their houses to the max and all the Christmas shows on TV and all...

And here I am depressed, wanting to cancel Christmas because I don't have the money I had last year to go all out like I did (really, you should've seen it!)... and I just want to punch the next electric Rudolph on someone's lawn, I am so frustrated!

But I went back and read my last post on this blog, down to the part where I talked about my blessed simple life now, as opposed to the complicated life I used to have, and how I wouldn't trade it for anything. And ya know, that is so true. And right now, the putting up of the tree (to say nothing of the expense), the decorating, and all the other trappings of Christmas right now would do nothing but stress me out. And I really don't think that's the "right kind" of Christmas that my friend was talking about.

The "little bit of Christmas" I have this year is a very simple day, hopefully with my sons, if they're not off doing things with their girlfriend's families -- if not, just a quiet day at home with my husband. And remembering that Chrtistmas day is about the birth of Christ, my Savior -- not Santa Claus and presents and a tree.

Thank God for simplicity, or else I might be staring a bipolar episode in the face right now, and that sure wouldn't be worth it.

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele

Cancelling Christmas

2007-11-30T08:53:00.000-08:00

Hey, y'all--

Well, just like the title says, I'm thinking about cancelling Christmas this year. Well, not the whole thing, and certainly not the true meaning behind Christmas. Just all the commercialism of it, and the whole decorating and gift giving part and all. We decided just to give each of the kids a gift card from WalMart. And not to buy a tree (I think), and to save that money, and probably not even putting up stockings or the "It's a Wonderful Life" village this year.

I'm just so overwhelmed by all the pressure of it all this year. I had a craft show to do, which is how I always make my Christmas money, but the show seemed to come up so fast, and I didn't get anything done, and the show is tomorrow! So I cancelled out of the show -- the first time in 10 yrs! I just couldn't do it. But it was a real lesson in stress management and in letting go of things.

Yep -- a real lesson in a lot of things. Like having to be in control. That was me. Miss Control. But I really don't think you can be that much in control and also have BP. Of course, I'm sure some of you would disagree with me on that, but let me finish. I would'nt let anything control me. Or anyone. That's who I was. And I went to great lengths to be that person.

Including alcohol and drugs, which I truly think was to mask my (undiagnosed) bipolar disorder. I just could not let anyone or anything have control over me. I never realized that I was actually doing the opposite! Until I finally ended up in the institution for the first time, diagnosed with BP. Then into treatment for alcoholism and drug addiction.

So, as many of you know, the first step in any 12-Step program teaches us how NOT in control we are! And, by that time, I really knew it. But since then (going on 5 yrs ago), I still forget who's in charge -- and that it ain't me! My husband says, "I'm glad there's a God, and it ain't me!" But like I said, sometimes I still forget that I'm not in control, and that it's OK that I'm not in control. It was trying to be in control all the time that got me where I was.

Now I'm on the right medications, I have a good treatment plan, my BP is stable, my life is wonderful, I'm married to a fantastic husband (who also has BP), I have 3 beautiful sons (25, 23, and 18 tomorrow!), I'm relatively healthy, I have a home and a car that gets me from point A to point B, and even a dog who loves me! A simple life now. A wonderful life now.

So I choose my simple life in which I DON'T have to be in charge over my old life where I felt like I HAD to be in charge any day!

So, if cancelling Christmas because it's too stressful for me this year is what I have to do to remain peaceful and to keep my simple life, and to NOT have a BP episode, then that's what I'll have to do, because it's just not worth the other option.

I'll still celebrate the real meaning of Christmas anyway, and that has nothing to do with trees and lights and other decorations! :)

Remember that God loves you and so do I!
Michele